Ian & Stuart's Australian Mac: Not for Sale/Another.not.for.sale (Australia).iso/Dr. Doyle/Simpsons/quotes

Text File | 1993-01-01 | 526KB | 9,558 lines

    1%Reporter: Ah.  So, kids, caught anything?
    1%Lisa:     Not yet, sir.
    1%Reporter: Uh huh.  Uh, what are you using for bait?
    1%Lisa:     My brother's using worms, but I who feel the tranquility
    1%          outweights the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
    1%Reporter: I see.  And what's your name, son?
    1%Bart:     I'm Bart Simpson.  Who the hell are you?
    1%Reporter: Heh heh.  I'm Dave Shutton, I'm an investigative reporter who's
    1%          on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk
    1%          that way to our elders.
    1%Bart:     Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
    1%          [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises]
    1%          All right!  We eat tonight!
    1%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
    2%Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole
    2%* Is Power Plant Responsible?
    2%------------------------------------------------
    2%Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms
    2%------------------------------------------------
    2%Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility
    2%------------------------------------------------
    2%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
    2%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
    3%Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole?
    3%* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap
    3%------------------------------------------
    3%Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!
    3%------------------------------------------
    3%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
    3%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
    4%Marge:  Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to step in
    4%        and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.
    4%Homer:  [snort] Mary Bailey.  Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find
    4%        better things to do with my time.
    4%Marge:  Like what?
    4%Homer:  Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday
    4%        back as separate paid holidays.  `President's Day' [blows a raspberry]
    4%        What a ripoff!  I bust my butt day in and day out...
    4%Marge:  You're late for work, Homer.
    4%Homer:  So?  Someone'll punch in for me.
    4%Lisa:   Try not to spill anything, Dad.
    4%Bart:   Keep those mutants comin', Homer!
    4%Homer:  [sotto voce] I'll mutant you...
    4%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
    5%Okay, men.  Geiger counters on.  [Geiger counters go crazy]
    5%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
    5%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
    6%Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
    6%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
    6%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
    7%Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
    7%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
    7%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
    8%Homer:  [wakes with a start]  Aa!  [twiddling levers wildly]
    8%        Uh, just resting my eyes!
    8%Burns:  Ah, well-done.  A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
    8%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
    8%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
    9%Inspector:  Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy,
    9%            deplorable...
    9%Burns:      Oh, look!  Some ... careless person has left thousands and
    9%            thousands of dollars lying here on my ... coffee table.  Uh,
    9%            Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we
    9%            return, the pile of money will be gone.
    9%            [leaves, waits, then returns]
    9%            Ooh.  Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are
    9%            still here.
    9%Inspector:  Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying
    9%            to bribe me.
    9%Burns:      Is there some confusion about this?
    9%            [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets]
    9%            Take it!  Take it!  Take it, you poor schmo!
    9%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
    9%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   10%Smithers: [computing how much it'll cost to fix the plant]
   10%        Fifty-six million dollars.
   10%Burns:  Fifty-six million!
   10%Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir.
   10%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
   10%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   11%Burns: Running for public office is too expensive for an honest man.
   11%Homer: Well, <you> could afford it.
   11%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   12%An election!?  Ah no, isn't that one of those deals where they close the bars?
   12%-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   13%Marge:  I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.
   13%Homer:  Oh, Marge.  What's the big deal?
   13%        I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion,
   13%        you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
   13%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
   13%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   14%Advisor: ... and smile, sir!
   14%Burns:   [view from back of head] I <am> smiling!
   14%Advisor: You're going to have to do better than that.
   14%Burns:   [grunt, grunt]
   14%Advisor: There you go!
   14%Burns    [front view, showing very slight grimace]
   14%         Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!
   14%-- Preparing for his campaign advertisement,
   14%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   15%Homer:  I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.
   15%Marge:  Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.
   15%Homer:  Oh yea?  Well, <I'm> a Burns Booster.
   15%        [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow!
   15%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
   15%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   16%Marge's sign:    An Independent Voter for Bailey
   16%Lisa's T-shirt:  I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey.
   16%Bart's T-shirt:  My dad told me to vote for Burns.
   16%Homer's sign:    I'm a fool for Burns.
   16%-- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign,
   16%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   17%Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are
   17%         up six points.
   17%Burns:   Ah, giving me a total of...
   17%Advisor: Six.
   17%-- Burns runs for governor,
   17%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   18%Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state
   18%             are gullible fools.  I, however, prefer to rely on their
   18%             intelligence and good judgement.
   18%Reporter:    Interesting strategy.
   18%-- The gubernatorial campaign,
   18%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   19%Bart:   Is your boss governor yet?
   19%Homer:  Not yet, son, not yet.
   19%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   20%Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like.
   20%Burns:   Hot dog!
   20%Advisor: But there's a down-side to it.
   20%         The latest polls say you're in danger of losing touch with
   20%         the common man.
   20%Burns:   Oh, dear!  Heaven forfend!
   20%-- Burns runs for governor,
   20%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   21%Homer: Oh, by the way, Mr. Burns is eating dinner over here tomorrow night.
   21%Marge: No, he's not.  I'm ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
   21%Homer: Kids, leave the room.  I don't want you to see this.
   21%Bart:  Uh-oh.  [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away]
   21%Homer: [on his knees]  Oh, please please please please please please...
   21%-- The power of persuasion,
   21%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   22%Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime
   22%         tomorrow?
   22%Lisa:    `Mr. Burns:  your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway
   22%          freight train.  Why are you so popular?'
   22%Advisor: Very good.
   22%Lisa:    Mm.  Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage
   22%         my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one
   22%         day render it uninhabitable?
   22%Advisor: No, dear.  The card question'll be fine.
   22%Marge:   Well, I think the non-card question is a valid...
   22%Homer:   Marge! ... Don't worry.  My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure
   22%         she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.
   22%-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
   22%   ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   23%Bart:  Dear God:  We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
   23%Media: Gasp!
   23%-- Saying grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   24%YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!  I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!
   24%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   25%Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
   25%       election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to
   25%       go to jail. That's democracy for you.
   25%Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
   25%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   26%Homer: Oh.  My dreams will go unfulfilled?  I don't like
   26%       the sound of that one bit.  That means I have nothing
   26%       to hope for.  Marge, make it better please, can't
   26%       you make it better, huh?
   26%Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on
   26%       desert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on
   26%       weekends, no one man can destroy them.
   26%Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up]
   26%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
   27%TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler?
   27%Homer:   Hitler!
   27%Marge:   [coming in with food]  Hitler, North Dakota?
   27%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
   28%TV host: The colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what?
   28%[all four simultaneously]
   28%Bart:    Blue!    Orange!  Red!  Purple!
   28%Patty:             [bored] Green.
   28%Selma:                     [bored] Green.
   28%Homer:      Yellow!                 Red!  White!  Black!  Green!
   28%Contestant: [pause] Green.
   28%Homer:  I was right!
   28%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
   29%Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to.
   29%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   30%For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza,
   30%Hair City, Utah.
   30%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   31%Marge, weren't you listening?  This is a miracle breakthrough!
   31%Not one of these cheapo sucker deals! [tosses a cheapo sucker hair restoration
   31%product in the trash]
   31%-- Hope springs eternal in Homer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   32%We do have a product that is more in your price range.  However, I must
   32%assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be
   32%purely coincidental.
   32%-- ``Dr. H'', ``Simpson and Delilah''
   33%Homer: [breaks down in tears] Of all the rip-off, screw job, chip joint...
   33%       [gets up] Forget you pal... [sobbing] thanks for nothing.
   33%       [leaves, crying]
   33%[at the nuclear plant]
   33%Homer: So I say, [angrily] Forget you, pal!  Thanks for nothing!
   33%       And I storm right out of there.
   33%-- A matter of perpective, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   34%Dry fish-sticks!  This sucks!
   34%-- Homer complains about cafeteria fare, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   35%Worker: Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
   35%Homer:  D'oh!  If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
   35%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   36%Why should you get nothing, while some guy who loses a finger hits the
   36%jackpot?
   36%-- One of Homer's coworkers cajoles him into filing a false medical insurance
   36%   form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   37%Dear God, give a bald guy a break.  Amen.
   37%-- Homer's hairful prayer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   38%Homer:  Good morning,  Moe's Tavern!
   38%Barney: Hey, it's the president!
   38%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   39%Marge: Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
   39%Patty: [grunt] I don't want to think about it.
   39%Homer: [from offscreen] Daddy's home, sugar!
   39%Marge: [goes offscreen to greet him]
   39%Homer: Come here, you.. heh heh heh.
   39%Marge: Oh, Ooh!
   39%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   40%Patty: This is Homer?  Oh, my!
   40%Selma: [grunt] Patty, stop drooling.
   40%Patty: Look who's talking.
   40%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   41%Burns:    None of these cretins deserves a promotion!
   41%Smithers: It's in the union contract, sir.  One token promotion from within
   41%          per year.
   41%Burns:    [indicating the security monitor]  Wait, who's that young go-getter?
   41%Smither:  Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more
   41%          dynamic and resourceful.
   41%Burns:    Simpson, eh?
   41%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   42%Attention Homer Simpson.  You have been promoted.  You are now an executive.
   42%Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to
   42%room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
   42%-- Smither's PA announcement, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   43%Well, your resume [pronounced ree-zoom] seems good enough...
   43%-- Homer interviews for a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   44%Karl:  You don't belong here.  You're a fraud and a phony, and it's
   44%       only a matter of time until they find you out.
   44%Homer: Gasp!  Who told you?
   44%Karl:  You did.  You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders,
   44%       the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself
   44%       in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.
   44%-- Homer hires a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   45%Smithers: Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high
   45%          worker accident rate.
   45%Burns:    [expels breath]  Any suggestions?
   45%Advisor1: A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.
   45%Advisor2: We could put caffeine in the water cooler.
   45%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   46%Burns: How would you improve the worker situation?
   46%Homer: Well, sir, for one thing, we have a problem every Tuesday when
   46%       the cafeteria would serve fish sticks...
   46%Burns: Fish sticks!?  What in blazes are you talking about?
   46%Homer: Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish, then chop up the rest of
   46%       the sticks [sic].  Then they put seasoned breadcrumbs on it...
   46%-- Haven't I heard this joke before? ``Simpson and Delilah''
   47%Let them have their tar-tar sauce!
   47%-- Burns implements Homer's plan, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   48%You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself
   48%is known or suspected to have caused last month.  And our output level is
   48%just as high as during Simpson's last vacation.
   48%-- Smithers, on Homer's promotion, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   49%Oh, hey ho, men.  You know, I was watching the Dumont last night, when
   49%I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox...
   49%-- Mr. Burns emerges from a bathroom stall, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   50%Hm... $1000?  Dimoxinil?  ``To keep brain from freezing''?
   50%-- Smithers finds Homer's phony medical insurance form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   51%Homer: [kindly] And what does my little girl want?
   51%Lisa:  An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.
   51%Homer: Uh...  How about a pony?
   51%Lisa:  Okay!
   51%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   52%Smithers: One of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan
   52%          out of $1000.
   52%Burns:    What!?  Blast his hide to Hades! [thunder roars outside]
   52%          And I was going to buy that ivory back-scratcher...
   52%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   53%Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy must die!
   53%Bart:  I love you, Dad!
   53%Homer: D'oh!  [lets him go]  Dirty trick.  Okay, I'm not going to kill you,
   53%       but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the
   53%       rest of your days.  You've ruined your father, you've crippled your
   53%       family, and baldness is hereditary!
   53%Bart:  It is!?
   53%-- Bart spills the Dimoxinil, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   54%Dad is taking this in less than a heroic fashion.
   54%-- Lisa observes Homer, reduced to blubbering when he realizes he's doomed,
   54%   ``Simpson and Delilah''
   55%Homer: [picks up a note]
   55%Karl's voice:  Dear Mr. Simpson, I've taken the liberty of preparing your
   55%       speech on the enclosed 3x5 cards.  All the big words are spelled
   55%       phonetically
   55%Homer: Phonanetically.
   55%Karl's voice:  God bless you.  You are one of Springfield's very special
   55%       creatures. [camera pulls back to reveal Karl is standing there]
   55%       Your obedient servant, Karl.  ... Good luck, sir.
   55%Homer: [startles]  Karl, so that <wasn't> just a sweet voice I heard inside
   55%       my head.
   55%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   56%Homer: I'm just a big fool.
   56%Karl:  Oh no, you're not.
   56%Homer: How do you know?
   56%Karl:  Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool! [smack]
   56%Homer: [somewhat surprised] Karl!
   56%Karl:  Now go get 'em, tiger!
   56%Homer: [roar!]
   56%Karl:  [pats Homer's behind as he leaves]
   56%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   57%Homer: [ahem]  A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this.
   57%       [burns a dollar bill]
   57%Burns: He's crazy!
   57%-- Homer gives a speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   58%Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant.  He doesn't even have hair!
   58%-- Executive watches Homer's presentation, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   59%[card #56 reads:  ``And the long-term benefits more than offset the
   59%one-time costs, for a net savings of $526,000.''
   59%Homer: And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for
   59%       a net savings of... fuh, five thousand, two eh hundred and...
   59%       lots of money...
   59%-- Homer's failed speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   60%Burns: Simpson, how old do you think I am?
   60%Homer: I dunno.  A hundred and two?
   60%Burns: [sadly] I'm only eighty-one...
   60%-- Missed it by that much, ``Simpson and Delilah''
   61%Burns: I'm giving you your old job back.
   61%Homer: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
   61%Burns: Now get out of here before I reconsider.
   61%Homer: Oh.  Better hurry up.
   61%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
   62%Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted.  Is this a book report or a witch hunt?
   62%-- Bart takes offence when Mrs.K accuses him of not reading the book
   62%   he is doing a report on, ``Bart Gets an F''
   63%Mrs.K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson: I think you know our district psychiatrist
   63%       Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
   63%Homer: Hey, Dr. J.
   63%Dr.J.: [ahem]  I think we have on our hands here a classic case of what lay
   63%       humen [sic] refer to as fear of failure.  As a result Bart is an
   63%       underachiever and yet he seems to be... How shall I put this...
   63%       proud of it.
   63%Homer: Hmmm.
   63%Dr.J.: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead
   63%       to blah blah blah blah...
   63%-- Bart is close to failing fourth grade, ``Bart Gets an F''
   64%Bart:   I can make you popular.
   64%Martin: But I'm already popular.
   64%Bart:   Allow me to demonstrate. [pushes Martin down, crowd laughs]
   64%Martin: But I don't understand...
   64%Bart:   Perhaps you missed my point. [pushes him down again, more laughs]
   64%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
   65%Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes!
   65%Bart: Otto, you know I respect you.  I mean, you always let us throw
   65%      stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns.
   65%Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it?  [unintelligible
   65%      `ga-hah' noise]  So what's in your head little man?
   65%Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
   65%Otto: Yeah huh...
   65%Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade
   65%      if I don't shape up.
   65%Otto: That's it?  Hey, relax, man!  It could end up being the best thing
   65%      that ever happened to ya.  I got held back in the fourth grade myself,
   65%      twice!  Look at me, man!  Now I <drive> the school bus!
   65%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
   66%Martin: [takes a seat at the front of the bus]
   66%Bart:   No!
   66%Martin: No?
   66%Bart:   Only geeks sit in the front seat.  From now on, you sit in the
   66%        back row.  And that's <not> just on the bus, it goes for school and
   66%        church, too.
   66%Martin: Why?
   66%Bart    [mezzo voce]  So no one can see what you're doing!
   66%Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand... [grabs pencil, starts writing]
   66%        the potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity
   66%        to the authority figure!   [Shows his equation to Bart:
   66%                          1
   66%            M  O(     ---------]
   66%                         P
   66%                          A
   66%Bart:   Well, yeah, but don't say it like that...
   66%-- Bart helps Martin shed his poindexter image, ``Bart Gets an F''
   67%Pretty soon, you'll be able to try it with a <real> book!
   67%-- Martin watches Bart with a highlighter pen and a `book', ``Bart Gets an F''
   68%Bart: [praying] Well old timer, I guess this is the end of the road.  I know
   68%      I haven't always been a good kid, but, if I have to go to school
   68%      tomorrow, I'll fail the test---and be held back.  I just need one more
   68%      day to study, Lord.  I need your help!
   68%Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel.
   68%Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard... Anything that'll
   68%      cancel school tomorrow.  I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do
   68%      it, you can!  Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson.
   68%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
   69%Bart:  [running towards door with sled; goggles on head] Cowabunga!
   69%Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb!
   69%Bart:  [sees Lisa standing in doorway]  Hey!
   69%Lisa:  I heard you last night, Bart.  You prayed for this.  Now your
   69%       prayers have been answered.  I'm no theologian; I don't know who or
   69%       what God is exactly, all I know is he's a force more powerful than Mom
   69%       and Dad put together, and you owe him big.  [shuts the door]
   69%Bart:  You're right.  [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa]
   69%       I asked for a miracle, and I got it.  I gotta study, man!
   69%       [goes upstairs to his room]
   69%       I'm not missing anything... frozen earlobes, trudging up that
   69%       stupid sledhill over and over again... How good could it be?
   69%       [looks out window...]
   69%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
   70%You wanna be held back a grade?  Concentrate, man!
   70%-- Bart, slapping himself, trying to study, ``Bart Gets an F''
   71%I got a D-!  I passed!  I got a D-!  I passed!  I got a D-!  I passed!
   71%I passed! I . . . kissed a teacher!  Yuck!  Ptuu!  Ick!
   71%-- Bart rejoices when he passes his test, ``Bart Gets an F''
   72%Homer: We're proud of you, boy!
   72%Bart:  Thanks dad.  But part of this D minus belongs to God...
   72%-- Posting Bart's test on the refrigerator, ``Bart Gets an F''
   73%Hello everyone.  You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday.
   73%Personally, I don't understand it.  hmm hmm  Kids worshipping ghosts,
   73%pretending to be devils.  oooh, things on TV that are <completely>
   73%inappropriate for younger viewers.  Things like the following half
   73%hour.  Nothing seems to bother my kids. But tonight's show, which
   73%I totally wash my hands of, is really scary.  So if you have
   73%sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight
   73%instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow.  Thanks for your attention.
   73%-- Marge's disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Terror''
   74%Quit throwing garbage into our Dimension!
   74%-- The Vortex, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   75%Do the blood thing again!
   75%-- Bart to the ... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   76%House: They are all against you, Bart.  You must kill them all.
   76%       They all must die.
   76%Bart:  Are you my conscience?
   76%House: I... [ponders] Yes, I am.
   76%-- A conversation with the... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   77%This family's had its differences and we've squabbled,
   77%but we never had knife fights before...
   77%-- Marge, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   78%It destroyed itself rather than live with us.  One can't help feeling
   78%a bit rejected.
   78%-- Lisa, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   79%Marge: Wow, you speak English!
   79%Alien: No, we are speaking Rigelian, but by some remarkable
   79%       coincidence, they are exactly the same.
   79%-- The Simpsons are abducted by aliens,
   79%   ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   80%Alien: We get over a million channels.
   80%Bart:  Do you have HBO?
   80%Alien: No, that costs extra.
   80%-- Showing the UFO's entertainment center,
   80%   ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   81%Alien: Everyone who has mastered intergalactic space travel raise your hand.
   81%         Ok, then.
   81%Marge: I'm sorry. I'm sure your game is very nice.
   81%-- After the Simpsons chuckle at the `Pong' video game on the UFO,
   81%   ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   82%Nobody, but NOBODY eats the Simpsons!
   82%-- Homer, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
   83%Narrator:  Quoth the Raven,
   83%Bart:                       Eat my shorts.
   83%Lisa:      Bart!
   83%-- Edgar Allen Poe's classic, with a twist,
   83%   ``The Raven'' in `Treehouse of Terror''
   84%Homer:  There's only one thing worse than being a loser.  It's being one
   84%        of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became
   84%        a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.
   84%Barney: Please, Homer?
   84%Moe:    Yeah, come on, Homer.
   84%Homer:  Well, okay.
   84%-- Homer becomes one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of
   84%   how he became a loser, ``Dancin' Homer''
   85%[police sirens wail in the distance]
   85%Heh, I think we lost 'em.  Hey, and we're at the ballpark!  Awright!
   85%Two birds with one stone!
   85%-- Otto drives the bus to the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer''
   86%Homer: You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it
   86%       to the big leagues someday.
   86%Bart:  What?  Aren't we going to see any washed-up major-leaguers?
   86%Homer: Sure!  We get a nice mix here.
   86%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''
   87%Marge: Last year you got a little rambunction and mooned the poor umpire.
   87%Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the
   87%       right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself.
   87%Marge: Mph.
   87%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''
   88%Burns: Ah, the Gammels.  Good to see you.
   88%Mr.G.: You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.
   88%Burns: Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog!
   88%       [laughs]
   88%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night
   88%   ``Dancin' Homer''
   89%Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
   89%Homer: Uh, it's Simp-son, sir.
   89%Burns: Eh?  [refers to the index card] Oh, yes.  Homer and Marge Simpson.
   89%       Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and uh, `expecting'.
   89%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night
   89%   ``Dancin' Homer''
   90%Marge: Here you go, Bart.
   90%Bart:  [reads the inscription]  Springfield Kozy Kourt Motel, Room 26,
   90%       How about it? -- Flash.
   90%Homer: Wow!  Flash Baylor came onto my wife!  You've still got the magic,
   90%       Marge.
   90%-- Marge gets a baseball autographed, ``Dancin' Homer''
   91%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball,
   91%           the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest
   91%           and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!
   91%           [isolated smatterings of applause]
   91%Smithers:  Oh, they love you, sir.
   91%-- At the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer''
   92%Ah, sitting with the employees.  I guess this proves I'm their friend.
   92%Tsk, get me something on an aisle, Smithers, I don't want to be
   92%<surrounded> by them...
   92%-- Monty Burns joins his employees at the ball game, ``Dancin' Homer''
   93%Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?
   93%-- Homer suspects a trap when Burns buys him a beer at the ball game,
   93%   ``Dancin' Homer''
   94%Big Bill McCloskey coming up.  As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the
   94%post-game show.
   94%-- Dan Horde calls the game between the 'Topes and Shelbyville,
   94%   ``Dancin' Homer''
   95%And I got up in front of them.  I felt an intoxication that had nothing to
   95%do with alcohol.  It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle!
   95%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
   96%Our lives have taken an odd turn.
   96%-- Lisa comments on Homer's goofy costume as... ``Dancin' Homer''
   97%Homer:     Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids.  Save room for your nachos!
   97%Lisa+Bart: All right!
   97%Marge:     [disapprovingly] Mmm.
   97%-- Homer takes the kids to the ballpark dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer''
   98%For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me,
   98%they were laughing <towards> me!
   98%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
   99%A Simpson on a T-shirt.  I never thought I'd see the day...
   99%-- Marge reacts disapprovingly to Homer's likeness on a T-shirt,
   99%   ``Dancin' Homer''
  100%S! P! R! I! N! G! F! E! E! L! D!!  Springfield!!!!!
  100%-- Homer spells out the town name while dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer''
  101%Tex:   Why don't you talk it over with your family?
  101%Homer: Because they might say no.
  101%-- Homer learns he's being promoted to work for the Capital City team,
  101%   ``Dancin' Homer''
  102%This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced.
  102%I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife.
  102%Oh, I shouldn't have called her that.
  102%Bite my tongue.  Bite my tongue.  Mmph.  Ow!
  102%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
  103%Lisa:  I can't leave Springfield!
  103%       I was born here and I thought I would die here!
  103%Homer: It won't be so bad.  You'll die someplace else.
  103%-- On moving to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
  104%We're simple people with simple values.  Capital City is too big and
  104%too complex.  Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us.
  104%-- Lisa lists some reasons not to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
  105%Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger!
  105%-- Lisa gives in and agrees to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
  106%Sure, what would you like?  Four years?  Five years.
  106%-- Homer's supervisor grants him a leave of absence, ``Dancin' Homer''
  107%Ned:   I don't know how to say this, but uh...
  107%Homer: Oh, knock it off, Flanders; don't start blubbering on me.
  107%       I'll miss you too.... [aside] not.
  107%-- Homer prepares to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
  108%Lisa:    I can't help but fell that if we had gotten to know each other
  108%         better, my leaving would actually have meant something.
  108%Friends: Yeah.
  108%-- Lisa bids farewell to her classmates, ``Dancin' Homer''
  109%Kids, look!  Street crime!
  109%-- Homer drives the family through Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
  110%Bart was strangely quiet.  Later, he explained he was confused by feelings
  110%of respect for me.  It wouldn't last.
  110%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
  111%Goof:  What exactly do you have planned for us?
  111%Homer: Well, I get up and dance, and I spell out the name of the city,
  111%       all to the tune of `Baby Elephant Walk'.
  111%Goof:  Ah, Mancini.  The mascot's best friend.
  111%-- Homer and the Capital City Goofball plan their strategy, ``Dancin' Homer''
  112%Well, hello again, everybody.  Dave Glass talking at ya.
  112%We've got great weather here tonight, under the dome...
  112%-- Calling the baseball game, ``Dancin' Homer''
  113%Homer:  [narrating] I was too tense to enjoy the game.  Every ounce of
  113%        concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand.
  113%Vendor: Red hots!  Getcher red hots here!
  113%Homer:  Ooh, red hots!
  113%-- ``Dancin' Homer''
  114%Oh, what a family.  My wife and kids stood by me.  On the way home, I
  114%realized how little that helped...
  114%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
  115%Live, from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts,
  115%the wrestling match of the century!
  115%-- Announcer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  116%Announcer: Rasputin, the friendly Russian!
  116%Millhouse: Didn't he use to be the Mad Russian?
  116%Lisa:      Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed
  116%           wrestling, perhaps forever.
  116%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
  117%[in the Simpsons' living room, watching a wrestling match]
  117%Bart:  If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.
  117%Lisa:  Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously.
  117%       Even a 5-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet!
  117%[in Moe's tavern]
  117%Homer: Eh, Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand,
  117%       the Professor's got his patented coma lock.
  117%       If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.
  117%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  118%Rasputin is spinning the professor like an autogyro.
  118%That's <got> to be disorienting...
  118%-- Announcer for wrestling match, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  119%If you miss this, you'd better be dead... or in jail...
  119%And if you're in jail, break out!
  119%-- Announcer for ``Truck-a-Saurus'', ``Bart the Daredevil''
  120%Homer: I have an announcement to make.  As a family growth thing, Bart and
  120%       I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday.
  120%Lisa:  Aren't you forgetting something?
  120%Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing.  No, I don't think so.
  120%-- at the dinner table, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  121%I'll be playing my first solo!  If you miss it on Saturday,
  121%I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.
  121%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  122%Oh cruel Fate!  Why do you mock me?
  122%-- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  123%Skinner:  Tonight, Sherberts, oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
  123%Homer:    Oh good, unfinished.  This shouldn't take long.
  123%Marge:    Mmmmm.
  123%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  124%Flanders: [weeping at his son's solo]  My son!  My son!
  124%Homer:    Come on Flanders, he's not <that> bad.
  124%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  125%I reached him!
  125%-- Lisa, on Homer humming the 1812 Overture while driving recklessly,
  125%   ``Bart the Daredevil''
  126%Let the destruction begin!
  126%-- Homer, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  127%The world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger,
  127%if he's not in action, he's in traction... Captain Lance Murdoch!
  127%-- Announcer at Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  128%Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children.  I'm glad you're
  128%all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death.  Tonight, my
  128%most dangerous stunt.  I will death-defy both nature and gravity by
  128%leaping over this tank of water, filled with man-eating great white sharks,
  128%deadly electric eels, ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators, and
  128%perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion!
  128%[a lion is added to the pool]
  128%Heh heh heh.  I almost forgot.  To add a real element of danger, one
  128%drop of human blood.
  128%[pricks his finger, one drop of blood falls in, the pool bubbles furiously]
  128%And in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so
  128%buckle up!
  128%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  129%Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold,
  129%when he's not in class, he's risking his ass,
  129%the world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson!
  129%-- Announcer in Bart's dream, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  130%Bart:  Dad, I want to be a daredevil.
  130%Homer: Heh heh heh.  Kids say such stupid things.
  130%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
  131%Lewis:     Oh no, he's hurt.
  131%?:         Bad.
  131%Millhouse: Let's get out of here!
  131%-- kids after Bart hurts himself doing a stunt, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  132%Marge:  Are you all right?
  132%Bart:   Better than all right.  I got stitches!  [lifts the bandage]
  132%Homer+Lisa:  Ewwwww.
  132%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  133%Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by
  133%imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage.
  133%-- Dr. Hibert, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  134%Dr. H: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.
  134%       This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a
  134%       recent TV wrestling match.
  134%       I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
  134%Marge: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.
  134%Dr. H: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless
  134%       hours of top-notch entertainment.
  134%Homer: Amen!
  134%-- Dr. Hibert shows Bart the injury ward, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  135%Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly.
  135%I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever
  135%find it.
  135%-- Otto, on Springfield Gorge, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  136%Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
  136%Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something?
  136%Bart: What?
  136%Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!
  136%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
  137%Otto: [humming into the bus microphone]
  137%Bart: Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone?
  137%Otto: Sorry, Bart-dude, it's for emergencies only.
  137%-- on the bus, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  138%Murdoch:    Doc, I heard a snap.
  138%Dr. Hibert: Hm.  I'm afraid the bone is broken.  Well, that's all of them!
  138%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  139%Now let me start by saying...  Good for you son!
  139%It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger.
  139%Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy,
  139%and maybe they're right.  But the fact of the matter is:
  139%Bones heal.  Chicks dig scars.  And the United States of America
  139%has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!
  139%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, upon hearing that Bart wants to do a dangerous stunt,
  139%   ``Bart the Daredevil''
  140%I'm sorry Bart.  But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra
  140%attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.
  140%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  141%Homer: He's done it, Marge; there's nothing we can do.
  141%       He's as good as dead! [bawls]
  141%Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him.
  141%Homer: Oh, that never works.  He's a goner!
  141%-- Bart wants to jump Springfield Gorge on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  142%Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you!
  142%Bart:  Maybe.
  142%-- Bart and the 9th commandment? ``Bart the Daredevil''
  143%Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect
  143%you to keep!
  143%-- Homer, having a heart-to-heart with Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  144%Why that little liar!  I should have...
  144%And I was going to play pickle with him.
  144%-- Homer, finding Bart's room empty, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  144%  (You need three people to play `pickle'.)
  145%I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even
  145%tried reasoning with you.
  145%-- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  146%You know boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right...
  146%-- Homer, slipping away on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  147%You think you've got guts.  Try raising my kids.
  147%-- Homer to Murdoch, ``Bart the Daredevil''
  148%Lisa:  Mmph. [as Bart muffles her with a cushion]
  148%Homer: Bart!  Stop fighting with your sister!
  148%Bart:  She took my glue!
  148%Lisa:  It's not yours, Bart.  This is family glue!
  148%Homer: Stop it, you two.  This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take
  148%       your glue away and then <no one> will have any glue to glue with.
  148%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  149%Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue.  It's about territoriality.
  149%      He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
  149%Bart: Oh yeah?  Prove it.
  149%Lisa: [hands him the glue]  Here.
  149%Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue.
  149%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  150%Announcer 1: Uh oh, here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose.
  150%Homer:       Heh heh heh, Bullwinkle's antler sprung a leak.
  150%Announcer 1: Uh oh, looks like ol' Bullwinkle's kinda gotten a taste of his
  150%             own medicine.  Ha ha.
  150%Announcer 2: He certainly does, Bill.
  150%Announcer 1: Ha ha.  Wait, what did...  Did what I say make sense?
  150%Announcer 2: Well, no, not really Bill.
  150%Announcer 1: Boy, now I know how the pilgrims felt.
  150%Announcer 2: What are you taling about, Bill?
  150%-- Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  151%Son, this is a tradition.  If they start building a balloon for every
  151%flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'll turn the parade into a FARCE.
  151%-- Homer watches the Thanksgiving Day parade with Bart,
  151%   ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  151%   [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]
  152%It's broken, Mom.  ...  Mom, it's broken. ... [sings]  Mom-it's-brok-en,
  152%Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en....
  152%-- Bart `helps out' in the kitchen,  ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  153%See Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys, Daddy's
  153%favorite team.  And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half
  153%points.  Understand?
  153%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  154%Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.
  154%-- Sportscaster on the quarterback's recent injury, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  155%Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the
  155%           well-groomed go-getters of `Hooray for Everything!'
  155%Homer:     Oh, I love those kids.  They've got such a great attitude!
  155%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, `Hooray for Everything' invites you
  155%           to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth,
  155%           the Western Hemisphere!  The dancingest hemisphere of all!
  155%-- Football halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  156%Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some, uh,
  156%happy news.  The following people have relatives who wished they could
  156%be here today...
  156%-- At the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  157%I have laryngitis.  It hurts to talk.  So I'll just say one thing...
  157%You never do anything right.
  157%-- Mrs. Bouvier, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  158%Thank you!   You're super!   Be good to each other!
  158%-- `Hoorary for Everything' entertains during the football halftime show,
  158%   ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  159%In the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as `Hooray for Everything'
  159%leaves the field!  Of course, a stadium is much too big for flash pictures
  159%to work, but nobody seems to care!
  159%-- Announcer for the halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  160%Holy moley!  That's the biggest... one of those things I ever saw!
  160%-- Homer appreciates Lisa's Thanksgiving dinner table centerpiece,
  160%   ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  161%And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
  161%safest energy source there is.  Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
  161%Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and
  161%love our family has experienced.  Well, not today, but... You saw what
  161%happened!  Oh, Lord, be honest!  Are we the most pathetic family in the
  161%universe or what!
  161%-- Homer says grace at Thanksgiving dinner, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  162%I saw the best meals of my generation
  162%destroyed by the madness of my brother.
  162%My soul carved in slices
  162%by spikey-haired demons.
  162%-- `Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  163%Cool!  The wrong side of the tracks!
  163%-- Bart crosses the railroad tracks, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  164%Twelve bucks!  Hey, I can bleed!
  164%-- Bart observes he can make $12 by giving blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  165%Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood.  Let's see some ID.
  165%Bart:  Here ya go, doll-face.
  165%Nurse: Okay, Homer, just relax.
  165%Bart:  Ow!
  165%-- Bart gives blood to make some money, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  166%At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing:
  166%I'm sorry I came.
  166%-- Mrs. Bouvier makes a rare comment, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  167%Grampa: Homer was never stubborn.  He always folded instantly over anything.
  167%        It was as if he had no will of his own.  Isn't that true, Homer?
  167%Homer:  [sycophantically] Yes, Dad.
  167%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  168%Twelve bucks and a free cookie!  What a country!  [passes out]
  168%-- Bart gives blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  169%All right!  Twelve big ones and free grub to boot.  Viva Skid Row!
  169%-- Bart learns about life on the wrong side of the tracks,
  169%   ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  170%Kent: Oh, we have lots of names for these people.  Bums, deadbeats, losers,
  170%      scums of the earth.  We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter,
  170%      or if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way
  170%      place.  Oh, we have our reasons.  They're depressing, they wear
  170%      ragged clothes, they're [makes quotation sign with fingers] ``crazy'',
  170%      they smell bad.
  170%Guy:  Hey, listen, man.
  170%Kent: [whispers]  Wait, I'm going somewhere with this.
  170%-- Kent Brockman's Emmy-winning news report from a soup kitchen,
  170%   ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  171%Marge:  Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written.
  171%Grampa: Sounds interesting.
  171%Homer:  Oh, okay.
  171%Lisa:   Ahem.  `Howl of the Unappreciated'.  By Lisa Simpson.  Ahem.
  171%        `I saw the best meals...' [Bart appears on television]
  171%Grampa: Gasp.  It's Bart!
  171%-- Bart manages to upstage Lisa from miles away, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  172%Kent: And how long have you been on the streets?
  172%Bart: Going on five years, Kent.
  172%Kent: Ah.  Son, your family might be watching.  Is there anything you'd like
  172%      to say to them?
  172%Bart: Yes there is, Kent.  Ha ha!  I didn't apologize!
  172%-- Bart is interviewed for a television documentary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  173%Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
  173%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  174%If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and
  174%collect my insurance!
  174%-- Grampa rushes back to the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  175%Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't
  175%       blame ourselves.
  175%Homer: We can and will!
  175%Marge: Children need discipline.  You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.
  175%-- Worrying about Bart, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  176%Marge:  Now we can blame him for everything!
  176%Homer:  It's your fault I'm bald!
  176%Bart:   [meekly] I'm sorry.
  176%Grampa: It's your fault I'm old!
  176%Bart:   I'm sorry!
  176%Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk!
  176%Bart:   I'm sorry!
  176%Uncle Sam: It's your fault America has lost its way!
  176%Bart:   I'm sorry!
  176%All:    It's all your fault!  It's all your fault!  It's all your fault!
  176%-- Bart's dream, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  177%Whoa!  My whiffle balls!  My frisbees!  My wire rackets!
  177%I've hit the jackpot!
  177%-- Bart climbs to the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  178%Dear Log:  My brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because
  178%I failed to take his abuse with good humor.  I miss him so much already
  178%that I don't... know... [sobs]
  178%-- Lisa writes in her diary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  179%Lisa: Bart, what are you doing up here?  Everybody's worried!
  179%Bart: Really?  Did they cry?
  179%Lisa: Yes.
  179%Bart: Whoa!  Bulls-eye!
  179%-- Lisa joins Bart on the roof after his brief career as a runaway,
  179%   ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  180%I don't know!  I don't know why I did it!  I don't know why I enjoyed it!
  180%And I don't know why I'll do it again!
  180%-- Bart doesn't apologize to Lisa, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  181%You know, Marge?  We're great parents!
  181%-- Homer watches Bart apologize to Lisa on the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  182%Homer: Oh Lord, on this blessed day, we thank Thee for giving our family
  182%       one more crack at togetherness.
  182%All:   Amen.
  182%-- Homer says grace at the second Thanksgiving dinner,
  182%   ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
  183%One o'clock.  Still just a potato.
  183%-- Bart, about his Science Project, ``Dead Putting Society''
  184%There's nothing wrong with crabgrass.  It just has a bad name, that's all.
  184%Everyone would love it if it had a cute name like, eh, `elfgrass'.
  184%-- Homer defending crabgrass against Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
  185%Homer: Marge, Where's the Duff!?!
  185%Marge: Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
  185%Homer: Doh!
  185%Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
  185%Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!!
  185%-- Homer needs refreshment while mowing the lawn, ``Dead Putting Society''
  186%Homer: All right, knock it off!
  186%Ned:   Knock what off, Simpson?
  186%Homer: You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here!
  186%       Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from <farther>
  186%       away, than my beer, you and your son like each other, and your wife's
  186%       <butt> [gasp] is higher than my wife's butt!  You make me sick!
  186%Ned:   Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask to leave.  I hope you
  186%       understand.
  186%Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet! [finishes his beer]
  186%-- a friendly visit to the Flanders rumpus room, ``Dead Putting Society''
  187%Homer: Lousy bragging know-it-all showoff...
  187%Marge: What exactly did he say?
  187%Homer: Get this.  He said, uh, he said...
  187%       Well, it wasn't so much what he said; it was how he said it.
  187%Marge: Well, how did he say it?
  187%Homer: Well, he...
  187%Marge: Was he angry?
  187%Homer: No.
  187%Marge: Was he rude?
  187%Homer: Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it, either.
  187%-- Homer sore about Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
  188%Mrs. Lovejoy: Honey, wake up.  Honey, it sounds like Ned Flanders.
  188%              And some sort of crisis.
  188%Rev. Lovejoy: Oh.  Probably stepped on a worm...
  188%-- Flanders calls in the middle of the night, ``Dead Putting Society''
  189%Mm.  I <was> going to wash my hair...
  189%-- Marge, after Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing,
  189%   ``Dead Putting Society''
  190%Lisa:  And I'm studying for the math fair.
  190%       If I win, I'll bring home a brand new protractor.
  190%Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
  190%-- Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing, ``Dead Putting Society''
  191%Play it where it lays, Homer.
  191%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society''
  192%Give up homeboy, there's a six stroke limit.
  192%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society''
  193%"The Toddmeister" (Todd Flanders): Hi Bart!
  193%Bart: Get bent.
  193%-- friendly greetings at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
  194%Ned:   Oh say, you look like you were having a little trouble there.
  194%Homer: That shot's impossible!  Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
  194%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
  195%Bart:  Final score.  Bart, forty-one.  Homer... let's see...
  195%       six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus...
  195%Homer: Never mind!
  195%-- leaving the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
  196%Todd:  Wow!  First prize fifty dollars!
  196%Bart:  Wow!  Free balloons for everyone who enters!
  196%-- seeing a sign announcing a miniature golf tournament,
  196%   ``Dead Putting Society''
  197%Flanders: So, my little Bartly, thinking of entering the tournament?
  197%Homer:    Yeah, he's entering.
  197%          And what's more, he's going to win, aren't you, boy?
  197%Bart:     I guess it's possible...
  197%Flanders: Hey hey, I like that confidence.
  198%Oh yeah?  Well I think the fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins
  198%any day of the week!  C'mon boy!
  198%-- Homer tells off Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
  199%Bart:   But Dad!  I've never won anything in my life!
  199%Homer:  Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this.  It is <not>
  199%        okay to lose!
  199%-- The ghost of Vince Lombardi? ``Dead Putting Society''
  200%Keep your head down, follow through. [Bart putts and misses]
  200%Okay, that didn't work.  This time, move your head and don't follow through.
  200%-- Homer giving putting advice, ``Dead Putting Society''
  201%Homer: What are you doing!  That putter is to you what a baseball bat is
  201%       to a baseball player!  What a violin is... to the... the guy that...
  201%       the violin guy!  Now c'mon!  Give your putter a name.
  201%Bart:  What?
  201%Homer: C'mon, give it a name.
  201%Bart:  Mister Putter.
  201%Homer: Doh..  You wanna try a little harder son?  C'mon give it a girl's
  201%       name.
  201%Bart:  Mom.
  201%Homer: Your putters name is Charlene!
  201%Bart:  Why?
  201%Homer: It just is, that's why!  Now this, is a picture of your enemy,
  201%       Todd Flanders.  Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes
  201%       staring at it.  And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how
  201%       glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!
  201%Bart:  Who's Charlene?
  201%Homer: I'll show you who Charlene is!  Now start hating!
  201%Bart:  Grrrrrrrr... rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
  201%-- a pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society''
  202%Marge: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind.
  202%Homer: And?
  202%Marge: I'm worried that you're making too big a deal of this silly little
  202%       kiddie golf tournament.
  202%Homer: But Marge, but this is our big chance to show up the Flanders's.
  202%Marge: Well, I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that?
  202%Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by
  202%       making someone else look bad.  And I'm tired of making other people feel
  202%       good about themselves!
  202%-- Marge concerned over Homer's tactics, ``Dead Putting Society''
  203%Bart: Hey Lis, whatdya call those guys in chess that don't matter.
  203%Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're
  203%      referring to a pawn.
  203%Bart: Right.  I am a pawn.
  203%Lisa: Hmm... I know.  It's times like this that I'm thankful Dad has little
  203%      to no interest in almost everything I do.
  203%      Bart, I think I can help you.
  203%-- Lisa offers some sisterly advice, ``Dead Putting Society''
  204%Golf...  `Anecdotes'... `Eisenhower and'... `fishing'... `humor'...
  204%`Japanese obsession with'...  Ah, here it is... `Putting'.
  204%-- Lisa, looking through card catalog under `Golf', ``Dead Putting Society''
  205%Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
  205%Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
  205%Bart: Oh... heh, heh... gotcha!  [wink]
  205%-- in the library, ``Dead Putting Society''
  206%Lisa: But Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it.
  206%Bart: Wooooooo...
  206%Lisa: It is time.
  206%-- Bart finally gets it, ``Dead Putting Society''
  207%Lisa: The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry.  All you have
  207%      to do is hit the ball... here.
  207%      [Tap] [Clunk-clunk] [Clunk-clunk] [Duh-dunk]
  207%Bart: I can't believe it.  You actually found a practical use for geometry!
  207%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
  208%Homer: Keep your left arm straight, Bart!  Rotate your shoulders!
  208%Lisa+Bart: DAD!
  208%Homer: Look son, all I'm asking is that you try.
  208%Bart:  Ok, I'll try.
  208%Homer: Doh!  Anybody can try!  I want you to <win>!
  209%Lisa: Eighth hole.
  209%Bart: Aim for the octopus, third tentacle.
  209%Lisa: Twelfth hole.
  209%Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
  209%Lisa: Nirvanha.
  209%Bart: A state of bliss obtained through the extinction of the self.
  209%-- pre-game drills, ``Dead Putting Society''
  210%Lisa:  Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats before he or she
  210%       wins the Kentucky Derby.
  210%Homer: Newsflash, Lisa, Bart is not a horse!
  210%-- the breakfast table the day of the contest, ``Dead Putting Society''
  211%Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself,
  211%      I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound.  Here goes.
  211%      I believe in you.
  211%Bart: Thanks, man.
  211%-- pre-game pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society''
  212%Homer: Remember what Vince Lombardi said:  If you lose you're out of the family!
  212%Marge: Homer!  [slap]
  212%Homer: Ow.
  212%-- words of encouragement during the golf match, ``Dead Putting Society''
  213%This is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship since
  213%Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs.
  213%-- Tearful announcer, ``Dead Putting Society''
  214%Mm.  My best dress...
  214%-- Marge watches Homer mow the lawn in her Sunday dress,
  214%   ``Dead Putting Society''
  215%Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
  215%-- Lisa watching Homer mow the lawn in Marge's dress, ``Dead Putting Society''
  216%Marge: [making pork chops]
  216%       A dash of rosemary, a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram...
  216%Homer: You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
  216%Marge: Oh, Homer, they're nothing special.  The extra ingredient is care.
  216%       [continues her work]
  216%       A sprinkle of chervil, a teaspoon of tumeric, and a whisper of MSG.
  216%-- How much care am I supposed to add?  ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  217%Homer: Marge, I'm going to build you a spice rack.
  217%Marge: Oh, you don't have to go to all that trouble just for me.
  217%Homer: It's no trouble!  I got a whole <garage> of tools I never use!
  217%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  218%Ah, here it is.  The complete handyman's bookshelf.  Volume 1:  Spice racks.
  218%-- Homer sets to work to build a spice rack, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  219%Bart:  Hey Dad, can you move your head?
  219%Homer: No, I can't.  It's broken...
  219%-- Is it in a cast?  ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  220%Maggie: [picks up a pencil]  [wacko `Psycho' music plays]
  220%Homer:  Aaaaaaaaagh!
  220%Marge:  [picks up Maggie]  No, Maggie, bad baby!
  220%Homer:  Keep her away from me, Marge!
  220%        She's got that crazy look in her eyes again!
  220%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  221%Marge: You won't be watching these cartoons any more.  Ever.
  221%Lisa:  But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense
  221%       of humor and be robots.
  221%Bart:  Really?  What kind of robots?
  221%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  222%You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ...
  222%I told you!  My baby beat me up! ...
  222%No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ...
  222%[sotto voce] Wise guy.
  222%-- Homer phones in sick after, well, you know, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  223%Marge: What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
  223%Homer: [laughs]
  223%Marge: Mm...
  223%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  224%Dear purveyors of senseless violence:
  224%I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you
  224%show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way.
  224%Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine
  224%programming.  Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
  224%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  225%Myers: Take a letter, Miss White.
  225%       Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy
  225%       and Scratchy program.  Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of
  225%       America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection.
  225%       In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research
  225%       shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big
  225%       a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
  225%Marge: [reading the letter] And the horse I rode in on?
  225%       I'll show them what one screwball can do!
  225%-- A letter from the CEO, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  226%Marge: [through a megaphone]
  226%       How many of you were hit on the heads with mallets last week?
  226%       [crowd murmurs]
  226%       [man with head bandaged raises his hand]
  226%       [another man with head bandaged raises his hand]
  226%       [and a whole bunch more]
  226%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  227%Homer: There's peas in my fruit cobbler!
  227%Lisa:  There's peas <everywhere>!
  227%-- The infamous TV dinners, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  228%D'oh!  Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
  228%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  229%Krusty: Hi Kids! [laughs]  Guess what, Sideshow Mel!
  229%Mel:    [slide whistle three times]
  229%Krusty: It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!
  229%Kids:   [really, parents]  Boo!
  229%Krusty: Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will
  229%        have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment, again.
  229%-- Krusty faces Kancellation, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  230%Marge: What do we want?
  230%Crowd: Less and less violence in children's programming!
  230%Marge: When do we want it?
  230%Crowd: Now!
  230%-- We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more,
  230%   ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  231%Meyers:  That screwball Marge Simpson, we've got to stop her.  But how?
  231%Man #1:  Drop an anvil on her?
  231%Man #2:  Hit her on the head with a piano.
  231%Woman:   Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?
  231%Meyers:  All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do?
  231%         You make me sick!
  231%All:     [agree meekly]
  231%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  232%You know, some of these stories are pretty good.
  232%I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
  232%-- Homer watches Itchy and Scratchy, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  233%Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of `Smartline'.
  233%Are cartoons too violent for children?  Most people would say, ``No, of
  233%course not, what kind of stupid question is that?''
  233%-- The value of objectivity in reporting, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  234%Joining us live, via satellite from Vienna, home of Sigmund Freud, the
  234%world's greatest psychiatrist, to give us an insight into the human mind,
  234%Dr. Marvin Monroe.
  234%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  234%   [Does that make Freud or Monroe the world's greatest psychologist?]
  235%Meyers: I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing...
  235%        There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.
  235%Kent:   I see.  Fascinating.
  235%Meyers: Yeah, and know something, Karl?  The Crusades, for instance.
  235%        Tremendous violence, many people killed, the darned thing went
  235%        on for thirty years.
  235%Kent:   And this was before cartoons were invented?
  235%Meyers: That's right, Kent.
  235%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  236%Well, Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters absolutely pales
  236%in comparison to the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into
  236%every day.  I'm referring to women who love too much, fear of winning,
  236%sexaholism, stuff like that.
  236%-- Dr. Marvin Monroe on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  237%Kent:   For another opinion...
  237%Krusty: [laughs]  Hi, kids!  [laughs]
  237%Kent:   Krusty, please.  We're giving you the opportunity to participate in
  237%        a serious discussion, here.
  237%Krusty: Oh, I'm sorry Kent.  Just that when the camera gets on me, I just...
  237%        Hey! [throws a custard pie in his own face]  [honks horn]
  237%Kent:   Krusty!
  237%Krusty: [honks horn]  [cowers]
  237%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  238%Meyers: [explaining on the phone]
  238%        Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone, and...
  238%Animator: Oh, make it a pie.  Pies are easier to draw.
  238%Meyers: [to animator] Okay, a pie!
  238%        [to Marge]  Anyway, Scratchy is understandable upset.
  238%Marge:  Uh huh.
  238%Meyers: So we figured he could just, you know, grab Itchy and toss him into
  238%        a bucket of acid.
  238%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  239%Marge:  Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy?
  239%        Then they would <both> have pie!
  239%Meyers: [walks to storyboard, considers, steps back]
  239%        It's different, I'll give you that...
  239%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  240%Announcer:  It's a tool that every home handyman needs!
  240%       It's a jigsaw!  It's a power drill!  It's a wood-turning lathe!
  240%       It's an asphalt spreader!  It's 67 tools in one!
  240%       How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
  240%Homer: One thousand dollars!
  240%Announcer:  Oh, don't answer yet...
  240%Homer: Oh, sorry.
  240%Announcer:  Because you also get...
  240%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  241%They love! They share!
  241%They share and love and share!
  241%Love, love, love!
  241%Share, share, share!
  241%The Itchy and Scratchy Show!
  241%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  242%Lisa:  Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge...
  242%Marge: Well, I think it conveys a very nice message about sharing.
  242%Bart:  I think it sucks.
  242%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  243%Marge: Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?
  243%Bart:  Naah.  Come on, Li.
  243%Lisa:  Maybe there's something else to do on this planet...
  243%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  244%Krusty:  Hi, kids!  [laughs]
  244%         [sees empty studio]
  244%         Huh?  Is it Saturday?
  244%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  245%Artist:   This will be the art even of the century.  The greatest
  245%          masterpiece of the Italian renaissance, Michelangelo's David,
  245%          on a coast-to-coast tour of United States.
  245%Reporter: Uh, sir, which cities will be included on your itinerary?
  245%Artist:   Eh, New York, Springfield, and if we have time, Chicago,
  245%          Boston, Los Angeles.
  245%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  246%Helen: You've got to lead our protest against this abomination!
  246%       [shows newspaper article]
  246%Marge: Mm, but that's Michelangelo's David.  It's a masterpiece.
  246%Helen: [gasp]  It's filth!  It graphically portrays parts of the human body,
  246%       which, practical as they may be, are evil.
  246%Marge: But I like that statue.
  246%Helen: [gasp]  I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity!
  246%       Come on, girls...
  246%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  247%Is it a masterpiece or just some guy with his pants down?
  247%That's our topic tonight on Smartline...
  247%-- Kent Brockman, on the coming of Michelangelo's David to Springfield,
  247%   ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  248%Kent:  Aren't you Marge Simpson the wacko?
  248%Marge: Mm... Yes and no.
  248%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  249%I guess one person <can> make a difference, but most of the time,
  249%they probably shouldn't.
  249%-- Marge, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  250%I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight.
  250%Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, ``Religion:  Which is the one true
  250%faith?''
  250%-- Kent Brockman on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  251%Well, there he is.  Michelangelo's `Dave'.
  251%-- Homer admires Renaissance art, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  252%Homer: Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School
  252%       is going to come and see this thing.
  252%Marge: Really?  Why?
  252%Homer: They're forcing 'em! [laughs]
  252%-- On Michelangelo's `David', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
  253%Smithers:  I think the boy is hurt.
  253%Burns:     Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going.
  253%-- after... ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  254%Hey, cool, I'm dead.
  254%-- Bart realizes he's dead, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  255%Please hold onto the handrail.  Do not spit over the side.
  255%[and repeated in Spanish]
  255%-- Heavenly voice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  256%I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
  256%-- Bart introduces himself to Satan, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  257%According to this, you're not due to arrive until the Yankees
  257%wins the pennant.  That's nearly a century from now.
  257%-- The Devil, on Bart's premature visit to Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  258%Boy is my face red.
  258%-- Satan after realizing Bart isn't due to arrive yet,
  258%   ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  259%Bart:  Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
  259%Satan: Oh, sure, yeah.  But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
  259%Bart:  Oh, okay!  See you later, then.
  259%-- Bart leaves Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  260%Satan:  Remember:  Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!
  260%Bart:   Yes, sir!
  260%-- Some parting advice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  261%Hutz:  Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson.  Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.
  261%       Here's my card.  It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
  261%Homer: Ooh, classy.
  261%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  262%Homer: The doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe,
  262%       nothing serious.
  262%Hutz:  Pfft.  Doctors.  Doctors are idiots!
  262%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  263%Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz.  Are you a shyster?
  263%Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?
  263%-- Lisa suspects Lionel Hutz isn't on the level, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  264%Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law.  What's that, a broken neck?  Great!
  264%-- Chasing a gurney down the corridor, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  265%Marge:  Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?
  265%Hibert: Mm, better let him rest up a while first.
  265%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  266%Homer:    If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office
  266%          right now and...
  266%Smithers: Simpson!
  266%Homer:    Aah!
  266%Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
  266%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  267%Ah, Simpson.  At last we meet.
  267%-- Mr. Burns, calling Homer in regarding Bart's accident,
  267%   ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  268%Burns: Throw him out, Smithers!
  268%Homer: You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns.  I can throw <myself> out.
  268%-- Burns tells Homer he isn't going to get a cent,
  268%   ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  269%The Supreme Court called again.  They need your help on some freedom thing.
  269%-- Della, Lionel Hutz' secretary, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  270%Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, the Louvre [pron. Loove-rah].
  270%-- Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, listing his degrees,
  270%   ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  271%Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement.
  271%But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.
  271%-- Lionel Hutz, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  272%You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson.
  272%You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace,
  272%a $99 value, as our gift to you.
  272%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  273%Just look at the X-rays!  You see that dark spot there?  Whiplash.
  273%And this smudge here, that looks like my fingerprint?  No, that's trauma!
  273%-- `Doctor' Nick Riviera, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  274%With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor, the boy's
  274%not a doctor, the only person who even comes CLOSE is this man [Nick Riviera].
  274%-- Lionel Hutz responding to Marge's skepticism, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  275%Hutz:    Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma
  275%         in the facial area?
  275%Riviera: Oh yeah, tons of it! [wrapping Bart's head]  Just say when!
  275%-- Bart is in the care of trained professionals, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  276%I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
  276%-- In court, Mr. Burns justifies his actions, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  277%Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court
  277%       in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
  277%Burns: You wouldn't dare!
  277%Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't.
  277%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  278%Judge: Hello, Bart.  Now, you do understand the difference between
  278%       telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you son?
  278%Bart:  Maybe.
  278%Judge: Uh huh.  Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?
  278%Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering]  No!  No!
  278%Bart:  No.
  278%-- Bart takes the witness stand, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  279%Defenseless child at three o'clock.
  279%-- Smithers spying a helpless Bart in the street, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  280%Marge and Lisa:  Mmm...
  280%-- Reactings to Bart's ``Believable testimony'', ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  281%Oh, it was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining.
  281%I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys...
  281%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  282%NOOOOOOOO!!  TAKE ME!!  I'M OLD!!
  282%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  283%Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary
  283%publics!  Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off
  283%with a banana or two!
  283%-- Mr. Burns bawling out his attorneys, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  284%Burns: And that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth.
  284%Marge: Hm, I didn't know you liked animals.
  284%Burn:  Oh, I don't like everything about them.  Just their heads.
  284%-- Invited to the Burns mansion, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  285%Homer:  Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
  285%Burns:  Yes.
  285%-- A brief moment of honesty from Monty Burns, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  286%Sorry, offer's expired, I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide,
  286%twelve good men and true, Smithers release the hounds.
  286%-- Mr. Burns realizes that Bart made up his story, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  287%Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing
  287%         but the truth, so help you God?
  287%Marge:   Mmm... Yes, I do.
  287%Hutz:    She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
  287%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  288%Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper.  It's not quite
  288%       as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
  288%       [draws a giant zero]
  288%Hutz:  I think we should take it.
  288%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  289%Homer: [thinks]  A million dollars.  My wife cost me a million dollars.
  289%Marge: Homer?  Would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
  289%Homer: [thinks]  Yeah, a million dollars' worth, you treacherous
  289%       snake-woman! [out loud] No, thank you.
  289%Marge: Some string beans?
  289%Homer: [thinks] No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing
  289%       back-stabbing... Uh oh, better answer. [out loud] No, thank you.
  289%Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
  289%Homer: [thinks] Just mouth polite nothings. [out loud] No, thank you.
  289%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  290%Moe:   Oh, you're better off.  Rich people aren't happy.  From the day they're
  290%       born to the day they die, they <think> they're happy, but trust me.
  290%       They ain't.
  290%Homer: [thinks]  Moe.  Wish he'd shut up.
  290%-- Homer drowns his sorrows in beer after losing a $1 million court case,
  290%   ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  291%Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.
  291%-- Marge, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  292%Homer: [thinks to himself]  She's been your wife for ten years, you've had
  292%       three children together, it's time to be honest with her.
  292%       [out loud]  I'm not sure I love you any more.
  292%Marge: Gasp!
  292%Homer: But, don't worry.  Uh, I'll never let on.  I'll still do all the
  292%       bed stuff.  Maybe it won't be so bad.
  292%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  293%All right, all right.  Look at her if it'll shut her up.
  293%Start with the feet.  Still angry.  Good!  Good, Homer, good!
  293%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  294%Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer.  My love for <you> will never die.
  294%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  295%Okay everybody, for the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher.
  295%One per customer, domestic beer only.  Hey, no sharing.
  295%-- Moe, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
  296%Homer: Is it done yet?  Is it done yet?
  296%Marge: Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer.
  296%Homer: D'oh!  Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?
  296%-- Homer watches dinner cook, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  297%Four... three... two... one... Bing!  We have meatloaf!
  297%-- Homer watches dinner cook in the microwave,
  297%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  298%I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it, Lisa!
  298%-- Homer serves dinner, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  299%Hm.  Thursday.  Meatloaf night.  As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
  299%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  300%Homer: What are you getting at?
  300%Lisa:  Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new
  300%       things, live life to the...
  300%Homer: What are you talking about?  Nobody's trying to teach you that!
  300%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  301%Marge: Tomorrow night, it might be nice to go out for dinner.
  301%Homer: Tomorrow night?  Friday?  Pork chop night?  Marge!  We haven't missed
  301%       pork chop night since the great pig scare in '87!
  301%-- Marge suggests a change of pace, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  302%Hm.  Friday night.  Pork chops.  From cradle to grave, etched
  302%in stone and God's library somewhere in heaven...
  302%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  303%Homer: Okay, okay, where do <you> want to go?
  303%Lisa:  Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza, or fried chicken!
  303%Homer: Fine!  We'll go to Mars!
  303%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  304%Marge: Mm, there's that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street...
  304%Bart:  Sushi?  Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on
  304%       the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
  304%Lisa:  As usual, the playground has the facts right, but missed the point
  304%       entirely.
  304%-- Marge suggests the family go to a Japanese restaurant,
  304%   `One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  305%Marge: Please, Homer, can't we try it? [going to a sushi bar]
  305%Homer: No.
  305%Lisa:  Please, Dad, this argument humiliates us both.
  305%Homer: If I said `no' the first time, what makes you think I'm going to
  305%       say `yes' the second time?
  305%Lisa:  Nothing, but you may say `yes' the ninety-ninth time.
  305%Homer: Oh?  Try me.
  305%Lisa:  Please, Dad.
  305%Homer: No.
  305%Lisa:  Please, Dad.
  305%Homer: No.
  305%Lisa:  Please, Dad.
  305%Homer: No.
  305%Lisa:  Please, Dad.
  305%Homer: No.
  305%Lisa:  Please, Dad.
  305%Homer: No.
  305%Lisa:  Please, Dad.
  305%Homer: Oh, okay, okay.
  305%-- If at first you don't succeed, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  306%This is our karaoke bar.  Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping
  306%with drunken Japanese businessmen.
  306%-- Restaurant hostess, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  307%Bart:  Akira, my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel.
  307%Akira: Very good.
  307%Bart:  Do you have any giant squid?  The kind that drags men to their deaths?
  307%Akira: Not today.
  307%-- At the Japanese restaurant, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  308%Come on, pal!  Fugu me!
  308%-- Homer snaps at Akira the waiter, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  309%Apprentice:  But master, we need your skilled hands.
  309%Master chef: My skilled hands are busy!
  309%-- The master chef making the pretzel with Mrs. Krabappel,
  309%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  310%Fan-fugu-tastic!
  310%-- Homer eats some fugu, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  311%No need to panic.  There is a map to the hospital on the back of menu.
  311%-- Apprentice chef at the Japanese restaurant,
  311%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  312%Dr. H: You have twenty-four hours to live.
  312%Homer: Twenty-four hours!
  312%Dr. H: Well, twenty-two.  I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.
  312%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  313%Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you will feel no pain at all
  313%until some time tomorrow evening, when your heart suddenly explodes.
  313%-- Dr. Hibbert explains the consequences of eating tainted fugu,
  313%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  314%Dr. H: Now, a little death anxiety is normal.  You can expect to go through
  314%       five stages.  The first is denial.
  314%Homer: No way!  Because I'm not dying! [hugs Marge]
  314%Dr. H: The second is anger.
  314%Homer: Why you little! [steps towards Dr. H]
  314%Dr. H: After that comes fear.
  314%Homer: What's after fear?  What's after fear? [cringes]
  314%Dr. H: Bargaining.
  314%Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this!  I'll make it worth your while!
  314%Dr. H: Finally, acceptance.
  314%Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
  314%Dr. H: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
  314%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  315%Homer: Marge!  Why did you let me sleep so late?
  315%Marge: You looked so peaceful lying there.
  315%Homer: There'll be plenty of time for that!
  315%-- Homer oversleeps to begin his final day on this earth,
  315%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  316%I want to share something with you:
  316%The three little sentences that will get you through life.
  316%   Number 1:  [whispers] Cover for me.
  316%   Number 2:  Oh, good idea, Boss!
  316%   Number 3:  It was like that when I got here.
  316%-- Homer tells Bart the secret, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  317%Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares,
  317%and stick one there... and there... and any place you're bleeding...
  317%there... and there... Don't worry, the blood will hold it right on
  317%your face.
  317%-- Homer teaches Bart how to shave, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  318%Oh I want to be in that rumba
  318%When the saints go over there!
  318%-- Homer sings to Lisa's sax playing,
  318%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  319%Ned:   Simpson, what a pleasant surprise.  We were just pulling taffy.
  319%Homer: Gee, the fun never stops at the Flanders house, does it.
  319%Ned:   Heh heh, no sirree-bob!
  319%-- Homer borrows Ned's camcorder, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  320%Homer: I'll even bring the thickest juciest T-bones you've ever seen.
  320%Ned:   Mm mm.  Sounds terrif!
  320%Homer: Heh, the joke's on him!  I'll be dead by then!
  320%-- Ned invites Homer over for a cookout,
  320%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  321%Ahem.  This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie.  Hi, Maggie!  I'm
  321%speaking to you from beyond the grave.  Woooooooo!  Hee hee hee, hope
  321%that didn't scare you.  Well, Maggie, you're grown-up now, and unless
  321%you've taped over this, you're probably wondering what sort of man
  321%your father was.  He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentle man who
  321%loved his children and... [phone rings]  D'oh!  [answers] Hello!
  321%Yeah, he's here, who is this? [scratches his butt] ... Bart's friend
  321%Millhouse?  Bart!  Get your butt down here!
  321%-- Homer tries to make a tape for Maggie,
  321%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  322%Homer:  Dad, we've never been too close, have we.
  322%Grampa: Not to my knowledge.
  322%Homer:  Never one went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other.
  322%Grampa: We never danced the hootchie-koo, either.  Whatcher point?
  322%-- Homer reconciles with his father,
  322%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  323%Homer: [spots his harmonica-playing cell-mate]
  323%       That's sort of nice.  What are you in for?
  323%Man:   Atmosphere.
  323%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  324%Homer:  [on the phone] You gotta help me, Barney, I'm in jail.
  324%Barney: You are?  Hey, Homer, go to the window.
  324%        [waves across the street to Homer]
  324%        Hiya neighbor!  I can see you!
  324%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  325%Bart:  Why are we all dressed up?
  325%Marge: [staring out the window waiting for Homer]
  325%       Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner.
  325%Lisa:  Why are we using the good china?
  325%Marge: Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china.
  325%Bart:  What's with the candles?
  325%Marge: Sometimes it's fun to use candles.
  325%Lisa:  Why are we waiting for Dad?
  325%Marge: Because we love your father and enjoy his company.
  325%Bart:  Why are we <really> waiting for Dad?
  325%-- Homer is late for the last dinner of his life,
  325%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  326%Burns:    [peering through binoculars]
  326%          Smithers!  Check out the luscious pair on that redhead.
  326%          [staring at her red pumps]
  326%          That's it baby, work those ankles!
  326%Smithers: Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.
  326%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  327%Homer:    Hey Burns!  Eat! my! shorts!
  327%Burns:    Who the Sam Hill was that?
  327%Smithers: Why it's Homer Simpson, sir.  One of the schmos from sector 7-G.
  327%Burns:    Simpson, eh?
  327%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  328%Moe:  Hello, Moe's Tavern.  Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
  328%Bart: Is Seymour there?  Last name Butz.
  328%Moe:  Just a sec.  Hey, is there a Butz here?  A Seymour Butz?
  328%      Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! [realizes]
  328%      Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket!  When I get my
  328%      hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
  328%-- Yet another phone prank, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  329%Moe, another last beer, please.
  329%-- Homer, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  330%Moe:    Please, not in public.
  330%Man:    You <better> be dying!
  330%Barney: Whoa!  How European! [belch]
  330%-- responses from the bar folk to Homer's good-bye kisses,
  330%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  331%Marge: I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer.  It's called,
  331%       `To a Husband'.
  331%Homer: Okay, okay.
  331%Marge: (Ahem.)  The blackened clouds are forming.
  331%Homer: Oh, give me a break, Marge.
  331%Marge: Soon the rain will fall.
  331%       My dear one is departing.
  331%       But first, please heed this call.
  331%       That always will I love you,
  331%       My one, my love, my all.
  331%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  332%Goodbye, Maggie.  Stay as sweet as you are.
  332%Goodbye, Lisa.  I know you'll make me proud.
  332%Goodbye, Bart.  ... I like your sheets.
  332%-- Homer tucks in his children one last time,
  332%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  333%Hi, I'm Larry King.
  333%In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...
  333%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  334%... lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.
  334%Well, that's it.  Old Fred [?] is standing by, we'll get some coffee,
  334%we'll get some matzo-ball soup.  I love the San Antonio Spurs,
  334%by the way, if you're betting on the NBA this year, I think they'll
  334%win it all.  So I guess there's nothing more to say but... [closing music]
  334%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  335%I'm alive!  From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest!
  335%-- Homer realizes he's not dead after all,
  335%   ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
  336%Homer:  Do you two have to sit so close to the TV?  Back up, or it'll hurt
  336%        your eyes.
  336%Bart:   It will not.
  336%Homer:  [makes a fist] Yes, it will...
  336%-- ``The Way We Was''
  337%Captain: Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in this state,
  337%         McBane.  And yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of
  337%         three of his bodyguards, and drove a bus through his front door?
  337%McBane:  But, Captain, I have prroof dat he is head of an international
  337%         drrug cartel!
  337%Captain: I don't want to hear it, McBane!  You're outta here!
  337%McBane:  [pushes the Captain out his office window, who falls into the
  337%         fountain in the plaza]  Dat makes two of us.
  337%-- Here's a typically brainless scene, ``The Way We Was''
  338%Homer:  Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery!
  338%        [bangs on the TV and the picture gets worse]
  338%Bart:   Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.
  338%-- ``The Way We Was''
  339%Cheap Chinese TV, what did I ever buy it for...
  339%-- Homer tries to fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was''
  340%Homer:     [fiddling with the back of the set] Is that better?
  340%Lisa+Bart: NOOOO!
  340%Homer:     How's this? [picture gets worse]
  340%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
  340%Homer:     Okay, everybody remain calm.
  340%           [gives the TV a big whack; picture disappears]
  340%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
  340%-- ``The Way We Was''
  341%Dear God, just give me one channel!  [dramatic camera angle]
  341%-- Homer can't fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was''
  342%I'm livin' it, but I ain't lovin' it.
  342%-- Bart suffers through Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was''
  343%Lisa: How did Dad propose to you?
  343%Marge: Oh, well... [ flashback ]
  343%Doctor: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
  343%        I think we've found the reason why you've been
  343%        throwing up in the morning.
  343%        Congratulations.
  343%Homer:  Doh! [ end of flashback ]
  343%Marge:  Lisa, I'd rather tell you a different story ...
  343%-- ``The Way We Was''
  344%Barney:  Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
  344%Homer:   Pffft, English.  Who needs that.  I'm never going to England.
  344%-- ``The Way We Was''
  345%Friend: Don't you think you deserve to earn just as
  345%        much as a man who does the same job?
  345%Marge:  Well, not if I have to do heavy lifting or math.
  345%-- ``The Way We Was''
  346%Barney: [bell rings] Oh no, we're late for wood shop!
  346%Homer:  But... we're early for lunch!  Let's go grab a burger.
  346%Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you never gain a pound.
  346%Homer:  It's my metabomolism.  I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
  346%-- Life as a high school senior, ``The Way We Was''
  347%Marge:  The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from
  347%        these male-imposed shackles! [lights a bra] [foom]
  347%Friend: I didn't think it would burn so fast.
  347%Marge:  Mm, I guess it's the tissue paper inside.
  347%-- ``The Way We Was''
  348%Barney:  Hey, Estelle?  Will you go to the prom with me?
  348%Estelle: I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould!
  348%Barney:  Oh, shot down again...
  348%Homer:   Hey, don't worry, Barney, it's a big school.  There's got to be a
  348%         girl nobody <else> wants to take the the prom.
  348%-- ``The Way We Was''
  349%Homer:   So, uh, what are you in for?
  349%Marge:   I'm a political prisoner.  Last time <I> ever take a stand...
  349%Homer:   Well, I'm here for being me.
  349%         Every day, I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.
  349%Teacher: Simpson, be quiet!
  349%Homer:   I haven't seen you in school before.
  349%Teacher: Okay, Simpson,
  349%Homer:                 What?
  349%Teacher:                     You just bought yourself
  349%                             another day of detention.
  349%Homer:   Maybe we should get together sometime.
  349%Teacher:                                       Two days!
  349%Marge:   I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.
  349%Homer:   I'm Homer
  349%Teacher:            Three days!
  349%Homer:                          J.
  349%Teacher:                           Four days!
  349%Homer:                                        Simpson.
  349%Teacher:                                               Five days!
  349%Homer:   It was worth it!
  349%Teacher:                  Six days!
  349%         Okay, Simpson, to the back of the room!
  349%         [ return to present ]
  349%Lisa:    So it was love a first sight!
  349%Bart:    It was a jailhouse romance, man!
  349%Homer:   I reached Step One:  She knew I existed.
  349%         The only problem was, she didn't care.
  349%-- The beginning of a beeootiful friendship? ``The Way We Was''
  350%Grampa: What's the matter, boy?
  350%Homer:  Nothing.
  350%Grampa: You haven't said poo all night and usually I have to wrestle the
  350%        bucket [of `Shakespeare's Fried Chicken'] out of your greasy mitts.
  350%Homer:  Dad, I'm in love.
  350%Grampa: Uh oh!  Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy.
  350%Homer:  But Dad, I don't drink ...
  350%Grampa: Cut the crap!
  350%        [in a mocking voice] I just collect the cans, Daddy.
  350%        [in his normal voice] Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.
  350%        Now, this girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker?
  350%Homer:  Uh huh.
  350%Grampa: A lot on the ball?  [ie, intelligent?]
  350%Homer:  Yeah.
  350%Grampa: Oh, Son, don't overreach!
  350%        Go for the DENTED car,
  350%        the DEAD-END end job,
  350%        the LESS ATTRACTIVE girl.
  350%        Oh, I blame myself.  I should've had this talk a long time ago.
  350%Homer:  Thanks, Pop.
  350%-- Grampa's three words of advice, ``The Way We Was''
  351%Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I need some guidance, Counselor.
  351%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was''
  352%I just met this girl Marge Bouvier and I want to force her to like me.
  352%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was''
  353%The only advice I can give you is, uh,
  353%try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend.
  353%-- Guidance counselor dispenses advice, ``The Way We Was''
  354%Counselor:  Do you have any plans for after graduation?
  354%Homer:      Me?  I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out ALL NIGHT.
  354%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Was We Was''
  355%Heh, heh, Imagine me in a nuclear power plant. KaBOOM!
  355%-- Homer thinks about life after graduation, ``The Way We Was''
  356%Homer:  My name's Homer Simpson, I'd like to sign up for something.
  356%Mrs. B: Well, we have an opening on the debate team.
  356%Homer:  Debate, like, arguing?
  356%Mrs. B: Yes.
  356%Homer:  I'll take THAT, you DINGPOT!
  356%        Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein.
  356%-- Homer tries to share interests with Marge, ``The Way We Was''
  357%Mrs. B: This year's topic is
  357%        `Resolved:  The national speed limit should be lowered
  357%        to 55 miles per hour.'
  357%Homer:  55? That's ridiculous!
  357%        Sure, it'll save a few lives,
  357%        but millions will be late!
  357%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
  358%Homer: Wait a minute.  That word you keep calling me?
  358%Artie: Ignoramus?
  358%Homer: Ignoramus?  It means I'm stupid, doesn't it!
  358%Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
  358%Homer: Not to me, there isn't!
  358%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
  359%Mrs.B: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
  359%Homer: With pleasure.  [turns around and moons the class]
  359%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
  360%Look, I'm not asking you to like me,
  360%I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position
  360%where I can touch your goodies,
  360%I'm just asking you to be fair.
  360%-- Homer smooth-talks Marge, ``The Way We Was''
  361%Barney: Wanna go to the prom with me?
  361%Girl:   Good God, no!
  361%Barney: Well-put.
  361%-- Negative feedback, ``The Way We Was''
  362%Bart:   Great story. [bangs TV]
  362%        Positively spellbinding. [bangs TV]
  362%        [to TV] Damn you.
  362%Homer:  Bart!  Pay attention,
  362%        you may be telling this to your <own> son if something breaks.
  362%-- ``The Way We Was'' [double entendre alert]
  363%Ooh.  [spots hairs in his brush]  Lost a few.
  363%Well, there are plenty more where that came from.
  363%-- Teenage Homer isn't worried about male pattern baldness, ``The Way We Was''
  364%Homer:  Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents
  364%Marge:  Consonants.
  364%Homer:  consonants, with your beautiful mouth,
  364%        your beautiful breath pushing past
  364%        your beautiful teeth...
  364%-- ``The Way We Was''
  365%So will you go out with me?   Please say `Oui'.
  365%-- Homer to Marge after a French lesson, ``The Way We Was''
  366%Homer:  My tux is going to have the widest lapels, the most
  366%        ruffles, and the highest platform shoes you ever saw!
  366%Marge:  And maybe I'll wear my hair ... up.
  366%-- Marge accepts Homer's invitation to the prom, ``The Way We Was''
  367%Get off the edge of your seat.
  367%They got married, had kids, and bought a cheap TV, okay?
  367%-- Bart fails to enjoy Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was''
  368%Artie:  Would you go to the prom with me?
  368%Marge:  Oh,
  368%Artie:  I can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments.
  368%        Now the first is from Time Magazine, dated January 8th, 1974 ...
  368%-- ``The Way We Was''
  369%Mrs.B: If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow.
  369%       A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
  369%Marge: Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
  369%Mrs.B: Ladies pinch.  Whores use rouge.
  369%-- ``The Way We Was''
  370%Selma: Marge's dates get homelier all the time.
  370%Patty: That's what you get when you don't put out.
  370%  [Or maybe Patty and Selma.  It's hard to tell.]
  370%-- ``The Way We Was''
  371%Homer:  You said you'd go the prom with me.
  371%Marge:  I also said I hated you, and we haven't even talked since then.
  371%Homer:  I was afraid you'd cancel our date, so I stayed away from
  371%        you completely, even though it meant skipping school
  371%        for three weeks and graduating this summer.  I hope.
  371%-- ``The Way We Was''
  372%Wait a second.  Is that a bong-g?  [student points at his throat]
  372%You have asthma?  All right.  Move along.
  372%-- Mr. Dondelinger chaperones the prom, ``The Way We Was''
  373%Hello, classmates.  Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy,
  373%you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king.  Good for you.
  373%-- Artie Ziff's acceptance speech, ``The Way We Was''
  374%Driver: Well, where to now, Romeo?
  374%Homer:  Inspiration point.
  374%Driver: Okay, but I'm only paid to drive.
  374%-- Homer goes (alone) to Inspiration Point, ``The Way We Was''
  375%Artie:  Marge, I would appreciate it
  375%        if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands.
  375%        Not so much for myself,
  375%        but I am so respected,
  375%        it would damage the TOWN to hear it.
  375%        Good night.
  375%Marge:  Yeah, right.
  375%-- ``The Way We Was''
  376%You know, when that Simpson boy showed up, it took years off my life.
  376%-- Mr. Bouvier, ``The Way We Was''
  377%The Lord has handed down to us ten commandments by which to live.
  377%I will now read them in no particular order.
  377%-- Moses, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  378%I should box your ears, you, you, you SNEAKY PETE!
  378%-- Flanders is upset at the cable TV hook-up man,
  378%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  379%So you've decided to steal cable.
  379%Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
  379%Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations,
  379%      which makes it okay.
  379%-- Homer reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet,
  379%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  380%It's funny 'cause it's true.
  380%-- Homer laughs at a stand-up routine, [inside joke alert!]
  380%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  381%I have an announcement to make:  The Simpsons have cable!
  381%-- Homer's important announcement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  382%Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before.
  382%       You really think we can afford it?
  382%Homer: Nothing a month?  Yeah, I think we can swing that.
  382%-- The Simpsons have cable!  ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  383%Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies.
  383%Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less
  383%      and are repeated ad nauseum.
  383%Hmm I don't know.
  383%-- Marge reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet,
  383%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  384%TV:    Hear Me Roar, the Network for Women.
  384%       In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid
  384%       bill in half by making your own band-aids.
  384%Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
  384%TV:    Now before we begin, you need five yards of sterilized cotton...
  384%-- Something for everyone on cable, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  385%Homer: Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico.
  385%       You know, down there, it's a <real> sport. ...
  385%Bart:  Ooh, this is where Jaws eats the boat. ...
  385%       Ooh, this is where Die Hard jumps through the window. ...
  385%       Ho ho, this is where Wall Street gets arrested, ha ha. ...
  385%TV:    ``Mr Speaker, if I could call your attention to the
  385%       retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill,
  385%       I refer you to page four thousand five hundred and...''
  385%Homer: They must think people will watch anything...
  385%TV:    ``Live, from New Orleans, this is the World Series of cock-fighting!
  385%       Oh, son-of-a-gun, we'll have big fun on the Bayou tonight.'' ...
  385%       [time passes]
  385%       ``We could get there quicker if I borrowed Dad's car.''
  385%       ``I don't know, Davey...''
  385%-- Watching cable all night, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  386%Rev. Lovejoy: Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God.  He thinks
  386%       he's got it made.  He's got his hi-fi.  His boob tube.  And his
  386%       instant pizza-pie.
  386%Homer: Ooh, pizza.  [licks his lips]
  386%-- Sunday sermon, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  387%Miss Allbright:  Today's topic will be Hell.
  387%Kids:  Ooh.
  387%Bart:  All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness.
  387%       <Finally> we get to the good stuff.
  387%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  388%Miss Allbright: Hell is a terrible place.  Maggots are your sheet, worms
  388%      your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur.  You'll
  388%      be tormented day and night for ever and ever.  As a matter of fact,
  388%      if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die.
  388%Bart: [raises his hand] Oh, Miss Allbright.
  388%M.A.: Yes, Bart.
  388%Bart: Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
  388%M.A.: No.
  388%Bart: [raises his hand]
  388%M.A.: Yes, Bart.
  388%Bart: Are there pirates in hell?
  388%M.A.: Yes.  Thousands of them.
  388%Bart: [rubs hands] Hoo hoo, baby!
  388%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  389%Marge:  So, what did you children learn about today?
  389%Bart:   Hell.
  389%Homer:  Bart!
  389%Bart:   But that's what we learned about.
  389%        I sure as HELL can't tell you we learned about HELL
  389%        unless I say HELL, can't I?
  389%Homer:  Well, the lad has a point.
  389%Bart:   Hell, yes!
  389%Marge:  Bart!
  389%Bart:   [singing] Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, ...
  389%Marge:  Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School.  Don't swear.
  389%-- Coming home from church, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  390%Troy:  Hello, I'm Troy McClure.  You may remember me from such movies as
  390%       `Cry, Yuma' and `Here Comes the Coast Guard'!  But today I'd like
  390%       to tell you about a pleasant-tasting candy that actually cleans
  390%       and straightens your teeth!
  390%Homer: Oh, goodie!  A program-length advertisement!
  390%Woman: [methodically] Wait a minute, Troy.  I'm a little confused.
  390%       Did you say, cleans <and> straightens?
  390%Troy:  There's no confusion, Tina.  Just good science.  Ladies and
  390%       gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
  390%Nick:  Thank you, Troy.  Hi, everybody!
  390%Studio audience:  Hi, Dr. Nick Riviera!
  390%-- The `I Can't Believe They Invented It!' show,
  390%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  391%Satan:  Come on, Lisa.  Watch a little cable with us.  Heh heh.
  391%        It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT YOUR SOUL!
  391%Lisa:   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out]
  391%Marge:  What's gotten into Lisa?
  391%Bart:   Beats the HELL out of me!
  391%Homer:  Bart!
  391%-- Lisa's conscience speaks, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  392%Lisa:   Mom, what are you doing?
  392%Marge:  What, what do you mean?
  392%Lisa:   Don't you remember the eighth commandment?
  392%Marge:  Oh, of course.  It's thou shalt not um not covet, um,
  392%        graven images, something about covet...
  392%Lisa:   THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!
  392%-- Marge eats two grapes in the supermarket,
  392%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  393%If you didn't catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it
  393%someplace else ... We've got it!  On the Blockbuster Channel!
  393%-- TV advertisement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  394%Lisa:   Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?
  394%Homer:  [sotto voce] Oh, great...
  394%        [speaking up] All right, what makes you say that?
  394%Lisa:   Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.
  394%Homer:  Well, DUH.
  394%Lisa:   But everybody does it.
  394%        I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
  394%Homer:  Oh.  Look at this way, when you had breakfast this morning,
  394%        did you pay for it?
  394%Lisa:   No.
  394%Homer:  And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?
  394%Lisa:   No, I didn't.
  394%Homer:  Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker!  Before I call the Feds!
  394%Lisa:   Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
  394%Homer:  Well, thank you, honey.
  394%-- There, I've run rings around you logically,
  394%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  395%It's Watson-Tatum 2.  This time... it's for money!
  395%-- `The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out',
  395%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  396%How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness!
  396%-- Homer on the wonders of cable TV, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  397%Len:  Hey, big fight coming up.
  397%Karl: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round
  397%      updates on the radio?
  397%Len:  Oh, yeah, okay.  Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the
  397%      still photos on the 11-o'clock news.
  397%Karl: Not too shabby!
  397%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  398%Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir.  One of your drones in sector 7-G.
  398%-- Smithers to Mr. Burns, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  399%Smithers:  Permission to speak frankly, sir?
  399%Burns:     Permission granted.
  399%Smithers:  Well, you are quite wealthy, ...
  399%Burns:     Thank you, Smithers.  Your candor is most refreshing.
  399%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  400%I'll get my brother Sanjay to cover for me.  He deplores violence of all kinds.
  400%-- Apu excited about watching the upcoming fight,
  400%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  401%Lisa:  So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family,
  401%       that would be stealing?
  401%Rev.:  No.  Well, it is if he puts anything on it.  Jelly, for example.
  401%Lisa:  I see.
  401%-- A clarification from Reverend Lovejoy,
  401%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  402%TV:    You're watching `Top Hat Entertainment'.  Adult programming
  402%       all day, every day.  (Except in Florida and Utah.)
  402%       Coming up next, `Stardust Mammaries'...
  402%Bart:  Aye, Carumba!
  402%Homer: Bart!
  402%Bart:  Dad!   [He didn't yell `Homer!']
  402%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  403%Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel.  It's only for
  403%mommies and daddies who love each other very much.
  403%-- Homer catches Bart watching an adult cable channel,
  403%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  404%Lisa:  Hi, Dad.
  404%       I think stealing cable is wrong,
  404%       so I am choosing not to watch it
  404%       in the hopes that others will follow my example.
  404%       That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter.
  404%       Thank you for your time.
  404%Homer: Hey, Lisa... `Racing From Belmont'?  Horsies!
  404%Lisa:  Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.
  404%-- Lisa takes the high ground, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  405%There's something wrong with that kid.  She's so moral.
  405%Why can't she be more like ... well, not like Bart...
  405%-- Homer muses on Lisa's moral posturing,
  405%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  406%The cable stays!  The foot has spoken!
  406%-- Homer puts his foot down, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  407%Homer: Hey, how'd you get in here?
  407%Man:   Oh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way.
  407%-- Homer finds a man in his living room,
  407%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  408%Marge, we can't be too careful.  There are thieves everywhere.
  408%And I'm not talking about the small forgiveable stuff.
  408%-- Homer installs bars on the windows,
  408%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  409%Bart:      Come one, come all!  Top Hat Theater is on the air!
  409%           The most beautiful women in the world!
  409%           Just fifty cents!
  409%           I am your host, Bart Simpson!
  409%           (Must be at least eight years old to enter.)
  409%TV:        And now, the `Top Hat' channel is honored to present...
  409%           `Broadcast Nudes'.
  409%Gang:      Oooooohh...
  409%Millhouse: Gross!
  409%Martin:    Yet strangely compelling...
  409%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  410%Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.
  410%-- Bart is caught watching a cable porn channel, [Burger King alert!]
  410%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  411%Here, I brought some imported generic beer.
  411%-- Barney brings a gift, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  412%Apu:   Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer.  I brought an assortment of jerkys.
  412%Homer: Oh, did you swipe those from work?
  412%Apu:   Certainly not.  What has been implied here?
  412%-- Apu arrives to watch the fight on Homer's stolen cable TV,
  412%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  413%I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching
  413%this fight as my form of nonviolent protest.
  413%-- Lisa refuses to watch stolen cable,
  413%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  414%Hey, go protest outside, will ya?  Now!
  414%-- Homer yells at Lisa who simply stares at him,
  414%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  415%Homer: Quick, Bart!  Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
  415%Bart:  Borrowed?
  415%Homer: All, right, that stuff I stole from work.
  415%-- Panicking when Mr. Burns arrives, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  416%Will you quit staring at me like that!?
  416%-- Homer to Lisa who is staring innocently at Homer from outside,
  416%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  417%Cop:   Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hookup.
  417%Homer: No!  No, I... It wasn't me.  It was my wife.  My wife's idea.
  417%       Yeah, yeah, ...
  417%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  418%When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end,
  418%they will do the right thing.
  418%-- Marge to Lisa, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  419%Announcer: The challenger learned how to fight in the notorious province[?]
  419%           of Capital City, and honed his skills while serving time for
  419%           aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison.
  419%Barney:    Awright!  A local boy!
  419%Tatum:     For five years, I was incarcerated, away from my family, and
  419%           the mothers [sic] of my children...
  419%-- Watching the pre-fight hype, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  420%I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that
  420%I've made a couple of really important decisions.
  420%Number 1: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and
  420%Number 2: I'm not very fond of any of you.
  420%-- Homer, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  421%Lisa:  Dad, we may have saved your soul.
  421%Announcer: [from the TV inside] Tatum is reeling from the champ's
  421%           exquisite hailing...
  421%Homer: Yeah, at the worst possible time!
  421%-- Cutting the cable hook-up, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  422%Apu:   What a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
  422%Burns: Oh, hogwash!  Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett
  422%       fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen
  422%       rounds!  Back then, of course, if the fight lasted less than
  422%       fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!
  422%-- After watching the big fight, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  423%Dad, I beg you to reconsider.
  423%Tractor pulls.  Atlanta Braves baseball.  Joe Franklin!
  423%-- Bart begs Homer not to cut the cable hook-up,
  423%   ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
  424%Marge:  Mmm, Lisa, you don't look well.
  424%Lisa:   I'll make it Mom.  Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.
  424%-- Lisa wakes up ill, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  425%Homer:  Maaarge, the dog is hungry.
  425%Marge:  Well, then, feed him.
  425%Homer:  Yeees, Master.
  425%-- Do I have to do everything around here?  ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  426%Bart:  No way, she's faking!  If Lisa[?] stays home, <I> stay home.
  426%Lisa:  If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
  426%Bart:  Fine, then...  Wait a minute...
  426%       [eyes dart madly as an indication of frantic neural activity]
  426%       If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa
  426%       stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
  426%Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
  426%-- There, I've run rings around you logically.
  426%   ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  427%Lisa, you wasted chicken pox.  Don't waste the mumps!
  427%-- Bart telling Lisa how to enjoy being ill,
  427%   ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  428%You!  Wandering mongrel!  Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.
  428%-- Apu shooing Santa's Little Helper away, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  429%You know, they've got the velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue,
  429%built-in odometer, reflective sidewalls, and little vanity licence plates!
  429%-- Ned Flanders showing off his `Assassins' sneakers,
  429%   ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  430%Dr. Hibert: I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
  430%Lisa:       Oh no.  I don't want to fall behind my class.
  430%Dr. Hibert: Ho ho ho.  Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.
  430%-- Lisa is diagnosed with the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  431%Take a rest, have yourself a wowwipop.
  431%-- Dr. Hibert's prescription for the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  432%Yello?  ...  Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? ... The mumps?  Ooh, the kissing disease.
  432%-- Homer learns on the phone that Lisa has the mumps,
  432%   ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  433%The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins.
  433%-- Marge telling Lisa she is genetically programmed to know how to sew.
  433%   ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  434%You just need to develop a callous.  [pricks her finger and lights a lighter
  434%under it]  You see?  Now <that's> a sewing finger, honey.
  434%-- Marge showing Lisa how to sew, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  435%Homer:    Oh, 125 bucks...
  435%          [Flanders appears in a `thought' balloon over Homer's head]
  435%Flanders: Sometimes, you got to spoil yourself... spoil yourself...
  435%          spoil yourself...
  435%Homer:    But I can't afford to...
  435%Flanders: Simpson!  I order you to buy those shoes!
  435%Homer:    Okay, Flanders, you're the boss!  Heh heh heh.
  435%-- Homer and his conscience? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  436%Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
  436%Lisa: Ooh.  Phonics, functions, vocabulary, ... remedial reading?
  436%      Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
  436%Bart: D'oh!
  436%-- Bart delivers Lisa's homework, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  437%Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.
  437%Bart:  They better be, for 125 big ones!
  437%Homer:     D'oh!
  437%Marge:        125 dollars?!?
  437%Homer:           Bart! [strangles Bart]
  437%Bart:              Wauuugh!
  437%Marge:                 Homer!
  437%Homer:                    D'oh!
  437%-- Caught in the crossfire, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  438%Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
  438%Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
  438%       a single fire.
  438%Marge: Mmm...
  438%-- Homer buys expensive sneakers, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  439%As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!
  439%-- pitchman Troy McClure on `I Can't Believe They Invented It!'
  439%   ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  440%Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
  440%Bart:  Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything...
  440%-- finding a school for Santa's Little Helper,
  440%   ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  441%Martin:         How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
  441%Miss Winthrop:  The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and
  441%                change color, ever so slightly.
  441%Bart:           Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
  441%Miss Winthrop:  Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that.
  441%                `Choke chain' is a misnomer.
  441%                Trust me.  They are always breathing.
  441%-- demonstrating the use of the choke chain, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  442%Lisa:  Gee, is it always this good?
  442%Marge: Mmm.  I don't know.  I just dip in and out.
  442%       I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma,
  442%       and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.
  442%-- watching a love scene on a TV soap opera, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  443%Woman:       Father McGrath... I thought you were dead.
  443%Fr. McGrath: I was!
  443%-- soap opera on television, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  444%I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.
  444%-- shoe store clerk, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  445%Girl:  Aloha!  Would you like a free sample?
  445%Homer: The price is right!  [stuffs them furiously into his mouth]
  445%       Mmm..  Ooh.. Macamadamia nuts.
  445%Girl:  If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.
  445%Homer: Oh, so <that's> your little plan.  Get us addicted, then jack
  445%       up the price!  [as he talks, cookie crumbs splatter out of his
  445%       mouth, dirtying up his shirt] ... [meekly] Well, you win.
  445%-- at the Cookie Collossus store, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  446%Look Mom, I've finished my patch.
  446%It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.
  446%[cough cough]
  446%On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school?
  446%He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of
  446%its beauty and soul.
  446%And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy.
  446%He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out
  446%of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.
  446%-- Lisa describes her contribution to the Bouvier Memory Quilt.
  446%   ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  447%Marge: [weeping]  My quilt! Six generations, ruined!
  447%Homer: Now Marge, honey honey honey.  Come on, come on, don't get upset.
  447%       It's not the end of the world.  We all love that quilt,
  447%       but we can't get too attached to...  OHH!!!  MY COOKIE!!!
  447%-- Homer tries to console Marge after Santa's Little Helper
  447%   chews up the quilt (and Homer's cookie) ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  448%Homer: Everybody in the kitchen.  We're having a family meeting.
  448%Bart:  We never had a family meeting before...
  448%Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.
  448%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
  449%Lisa:  I'm sure Mom agrees with me.
  449%Marge: Mmm.  No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.
  449%Homer: You do?  [taunting and dancing]  Ha ha ha ha ha.
  449%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
  450%Lisa:  This is our pet.  We can question his integrity and disposition,
  450%       but we can't question his heart.  Are you trying to teach us that the
  450%       way to solve a problem with something we love is to throw it away?
  450%Homer: [weeping] Oh, Lisa.  If they're ever going to pull the plug on me,
  450%       I want you in my corner, honey.
  450%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
  451%``Free to loving home.  World's most brilliant dog.  Says `I Love You'
  451%on command.''
  451%-- advertisement for selling Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
  452%Now... Sit!
  452%I said, Sit! [Santa's Little Helper walks away]
  452%Um, take a walk.  Sniff that other dog's butt.
  452%See?  He does exactly what I tell him.
  452%-- Bart trying to demonstrate his control over the dog,
  452%   ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
  453%You son of a bitch.  Good show!
  453%-- Dog obedience instructor to Santa's Little Helper,
  453%   ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
  454%                Buddy -- Ran away from home.
  454%              Lao Tzu -- Ate poison toad: now in a coma.
  454%Santa's Little Helper -- Bit Bart.  Homer didn't mind.
  454%-- The eventual fates of the dogs in the obedience school,
  454%   ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
  455%Homer: Marge honey, I've got five words to say to you!
  455%       [one word per finger] Greasy Joe's Bottomless Barbecue...
  455%       [realizes he needs his left hand] Pit.
  455%Marge: Oh, Homey, remember you told me you'd try to limit pork to six
  455%       servings a week?
  455%Homer: Marge!  I'm only human!
  455%-- ``Principal Charming''
  456%Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances...
  456%-- Rev. Lovejoy greets the wedding guests, ``Principal Charming''
  457%Lisa:  Aunt Selma?
  457%Selma: [grunt]
  457%Lisa:  Do you think you'll ever married?
  457%Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know.  [perks up]  Why?  You know somebody?
  457%Lisa:  No.
  457%Selma: [grunt]
  457%Lisa:  Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an eight-year-old niece,
  457%       I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant
  457%       number of forty-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.
  457%-- ``Principal Charming''
  458%Marge: You owe me a favor.
  458%Homer: [whining] Oh...
  458%Marge: To be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.
  458%Homer: But that was just an idle promise!
  458%-- Marge cashes in a favor, ``Principal Charming''
  459%Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
  459%Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines,
  459%       and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
  459%Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah.  But I thought she was the one that didn't like
  459%       to be ... you know ... touched.
  459%Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy.  Selma simply had celibacy
  459%       thrust upon her.
  459%-- ``Principal Charming''
  460%Marge: You will find her [Selma] a man!
  460%Homer: [conceding] All right.
  460%Marge: And not just any man.
  460%Homer: [annoyed] Okay!
  460%Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring.  And well-off.  And handsome.
  460%Homer: Hey!  Why should she have a better husband than you do!?
  460%-- ``Principal Charming''
  461%Mrs. K: Sodium tetrasulfate is highly toxic, and can remove your skin.
  461%        [pours into a beaker] Say when... [chuckles]
  461%Martin: That will do. [Mrs. K stops pouring, and spills quite a bit]
  461%Bart:   What's this stuff for?
  461%Martin: It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and
  461%        as a preservative in fast foods.
  461%-- Chemistry class, ``Principal Charming''
  462%Karl...      Too handsome.
  462%Smithers...  Jerk.
  462%Ms. Finch... Not a man.
  462%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
  462%   ``Principal Charming''
  463%Boy, a good man really <is> hard to find.
  463%-- Homer searches for a husband for Selma, ``Principal Charming''
  464%One seafood burrito, Apu.
  464%-- Homer makes a purchase from the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Principal Charming''
  465%Apu...  Pro: Discounted snack treats.   Con:  Dangerous profession.
  465%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
  465%   ``Principal Charming''
  466%I am loathe to interrupt your meditation, sir, but the time has come for
  466%money to change hands.
  466%-- Apu snaps Homer out of his daze at the Kwik-E-Mart register,
  466%   ``Principal Charming''
  467%?...  Pro:  Nice stride.   Con:  Complete stranger.
  467%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
  467%   ``Principal Charming''
  468%Pro:  Smoker.   Con:  Just a sign.
  468%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
  468%   ``Principal Charming''
  469%Say what they will about our cafeteria, I still think they're the best
  469%tater tots money can buy.
  469%-- Principal Skinner eats his lunch at school, ``Principal Charming''
  470%Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted.  Surely you knew that you were
  470%      writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters on the field, and that
  470%      you would be caught.
  470%Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
  470%Principal Skinner: There are no other Barts!
  470%Bart: Uh oh.
  470%-- Another visit to the principal's office, ``Principal Charming''
  471%Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
  471%Moe:  Homer who?
  471%Bart: Homer... Sexual.
  471%Moe:  Wait one second, let me check. [calls]  Uh, Homer Sexual?  Hey, come on,
  471%      come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!  [guffaws from the
  471%      gang]  You rotten liver pot!  If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my
  471%      teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
  471%-- ``Principal Charming''
  472%Principal Skinner...
  472%Pros:   *  Uses big words.
  472%        *  Dislikes the boy.
  472%        *  [something]
  472%Cons:   *  Possible Homer Sexual.
  472%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
  472%   ``Principal Charming''
  473%Homer:   Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely
  473%         (and available) sister, Selma.
  473%Patty:   You bozo, I'm Patty!
  473%Homer:   What!?
  473%Skinner: [dreamily] Patty...
  473%Homer:   D'oh!!  Wrong one!
  473%-- Homer introduces Principal Skinner to the wrong woman,
  473%   ``Principal Charming''
  474%I tried to repel him, I really did!
  474%-- Patty to Selma, on Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming''
  475%Patty: I'll have a Lady Laramie 100's please.
  475%Selma: We both know it could have easily been me.  Very easily.
  475%       [to Apu] Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack, and I don't have all day.
  475%Apu:   Ooh, all right, here you go.  Smoke them in good health.
  475%-- ``Principal Charming''
  476%I suggest we start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant.
  476%You know, food tastes better when you're revolving.
  476%-- Principal Skinner takes Patty out for a date, ``Principal Charming''
  477%Principal Skinner: That was the worst movie I've ever seen.
  477%Patty: Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.
  477%Principal Skinner: Ho ho ho.  Isn't it nice we hate the same things?
  477%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming''
  478%Principal Skinner: So, see me again tomorrow?
  478%Patty:  [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
  478%Principal Skinner: Then the day after that.
  478%Patty:  Oh, gee.  Tae kwon do.
  478%Principal Skinner: The day after that, then.
  478%Patty:  Seymour, you're touching me.
  478%Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty.  I don't have cooties.
  478%Patty:  Hai-ya!  [gives him a healthy karate (or whatever) chop]
  478%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming''
  479%Principal Skinner: I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
  479%Bart:              It's your funeral, Seymour.
  479%-- ``Principal Charming''
  480%Wheel her in, Homer.  I'm not a picky man. [belch]
  480%-- Barney comes to the rescue when Homer needs to find a husband for Selma?
  480%   ``Principal Charming''
  481%Clerk:             A good rule of thumb is two years' salary, sir.  Try this.
  481%Principal Skinner: I can't afford that, I'm an educator!
  481%Bart:              Seymour...
  481%Principal Skinner: I'll take it.
  481%-- Buying an engagement ring for Patty, ``Principal Charming''
  482%Oh, Springfield Elementary!  I will have you back again.  After all,
  482%tomorrow is another school day!
  482%-- Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming''
  483%And then when I got out of the service, eh, uh...  Well, the next few years
  483%are a blur.
  483%-- Barney, ``Principal Charming''
  484%Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. [sobs]
  484%Moe:    Don't worry, Barney.  Time heals all wounds.
  484%Barney: [perks up]  Well, whaddya know!  You're right!
  484%        And look, a whole pitcher to myself!
  484%-- Every cloud has a silver lining?  ``Principal Charming''
  485%Grampa:  The screen was too small.
  485%Jasper:  The floor was sticky.
  485%Grampa:  The romantic subplot felt tacked-on.
  485%Jasper:  In short, we demand a refund.
  485%-- Complaining at the movie theater, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  486%... and thank you most of all for nuclear power,
  486%which has yet to cause a single proven fatality.
  486%At least in this country.  Amen.
  486%-- Homer, saying grace, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  487%Quiet you kids.  If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons,
  487%and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
  487%-- Homer, threatening his kids, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  488%Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
  488%Homer:  What is it, Dad?
  488%Grampa: Peeyoo!  Not that close!  Sheesh.
  488%        Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die
  488%        someday.
  488%Homer:  Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
  488%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  489%Hey handsome, wanna `dunk' the `clown'?
  489%-- Carnival girl/prostitute, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  490%She did things your mother would never do.  Like have sex for money.
  490%-- Grampa, remembering an affair, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  491%Granma: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father.
  491%        He must never know about that, that carnival incident.
  491%Grampa: Okay.
  491%Granma: Promise you won't tell him.
  491%Grampa: I promise.
  491%        [end of flashback]
  491%Grampa: Oops!  Forget what I just told you.
  491%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  492%Homer:  This makes me special, Dad.  Since I'm the one you kept, that
  492%        must mean you really loved me.
  492%Grampa: Mm.  Interesting theory.
  492%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  493%Lisa:   A long-lost half-brother.  How Dickensian!
  493%Bart:   So, any idea where this bastard lives?
  493%Homer:  Bart!
  493%Bart:   His parents aren't married are they?
  493%        It's the correct word, isn't it?
  493%Homer:  I guess he's got us there.
  493%Marge:  Mmm...
  493%Bart:   [singing]
  493%        Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard bastard!
  493%Marge:                         Bart!
  493%Homer:                                   Bart!             Baart!
  493%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  494%Homer:     Oh brother, where art thou!
  494%Attendant: Take it easy, buddy, they moved across the street.
  494%Homer:     Oh, hee hee.  Sorry.
  494%-- looking for the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  495%Director:  I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.
  495%           I myself have spent years searching for <my> long-lost twin brother.
  495%Homer:     Yeah yeah yeah.  Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking
  495%           for <my> brother today.
  495%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  496%Director:  Your brother could be anywhere.  Even ... Detroit.
  496%Homer:     I know he could be <anywhere>,
  496%           that's why I want you to narrow it down!  Please!
  496%Director:  You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of <brotherly> love
  496%           isn't Philadelphia, it's ... Detroit.
  496%Homer:     Well, if you asked me, changing the subject makes you the
  496%           most worthess, heartless excuse for a human being I ever...
  496%Director:  Read between the lines, Mr. Simpson!
  496%Homer:     Oh, I get it!  Okay.  Here's twenty bucks.  Now will you
  496%           tell me where my brother lives?
  496%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  497%Let's see.  Powell, Powell, Powell...
  497%Pomerantz, Poole, Popkins, Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randal, oops, too far.
  497%-- Homer, looking through the phone book, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  498%Homer:   Hello?  Hello?  Stupid phone!  [bangs the phone]
  498%Herbert: Hey, knock it off.  I'm here!
  498%         I'm just silent because of the emotion involved.
  498%Homer:   Oh.  Sorry.
  498%-- first contact with his brother, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  499%Bart+Lisa:  Are we there yet?
  499%Homer:      Just a little further!
  499%Bart+Lisa:  Are we there yet?
  499%Homer:      Just a little fur...
  499%Bart+Lisa:  Are we there yet?
  499%Homer:      Just a little further!!
  499%Marge:      Bart!  Lisa!  If you don't behave, we'll turn this car
  499%            right around and go home.
  499%Homer:      But Marge, I want to see my brother!
  499%Marge:      Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
  499%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  500%Herbert:  Every day we're losing ground to the Japanese and I want to know why.
  500%Advisor:  Oh, unfair trade practices?
  500%Advisor:  Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington?
  500%Advisor:  Some sort of gypsy curse?
  500%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  501%People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads!
  501%-- Herbert Powell, board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  502%Herbert: You, what are your roots?
  502%Advisor: Well, I guess you could say they extend to when the Angles met
  502%         the Saxons... [all except Herbert chuckle]
  502%Herbert: Or in other words, when white met bread.
  502%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  503%Holy moly, the bastard's rich!
  503%-- Homer, seeing his brother's mansion, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  504%Homer:    And our three children:  Bart, Lisa ...
  504%Maggie:   [falls down]  [thud]
  504%Homer:    ... and Maggie.
  504%Bart:     Hello, sir.
  504%Lisa:     Hello, Mr. Powell.
  504%Herbert:  All born in wedlock?
  504%Homer:    [whispers] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.
  504%-- introducing his family, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  505%Herbert:  While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home.
  505%          Any time you're hungry, any time day or night,
  505%          Cook will make you anything you want.
  505%Homer:    Even pork chops?
  505%Herbert:  Absolutely.  We have a tennis court, a swimming pool,
  505%          a screening room...
  505%Homer:    If I want pork chops any time in the middle of the night,
  505%          your guy will fry them up?
  505%Herbert:  Sure, that's what he's paid for.
  505%          Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids...
  505%Homer:    Wait, wait, wait.  Lemme see if I got this straight.
  505%          It's Christmas Day, 4am, there's a rumble in my stomach...
  505%Marge:    Homer, please.
  505%-- touring the estate, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  506%Herbert: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
  506%Marge:   Well, I met Homer in high school.  We got married and had three
  506%         beautiful children.
  506%Herbert: Wow.  We have so much catching up to do.
  506%Marge:   Mm.  Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
  506%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  507%Bart:   Watch me dive!
  507%Lisa:   Watch me dive!
  507%Homer:  OKAY, we're watching!
  507%Marge:  I hope we're not spoiling them...
  507%        [they dive]
  507%Bart:   Man, you weren't watching, I did a double gainer with a half...
  507%Lisa:   Hey, you didn't see what I did, you didn't watch me dive...
  507%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  508%A millionaire!?  Ooh, I kept the wrong one.
  508%-- Grampa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  509%Bart:    Unkie Herb, can I spit over the side?
  509%Herbert: Heh heh heh.  I love this kid.  Hock your brains out!
  509%         [Bart spits, as does Herbert]
  509%Bart:    Ho!  Got him!
  509%-- in a balloon, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  510%Hello, cook?
  510%Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some...
  510%That's right.  Don't forget the applesauce!
  510%-- Homer, on the phone late at night, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  511%Herbert:  And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
  511%Homer:    And I want to let you!
  511%-- hiring Homer as a consultant, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  512%Herbert:  Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
  512%Homer:    Oh, fine.  They were putting in an onboard something-or-other
  512%          and rack-and-peanut steering.
  512%-- first day on the job, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  513%Herbert:  Do you understand?
  513%Homer:    Sort of.
  513%Herbert:  Homer?
  513%Homer:    What.
  513%Herbert:  Answer me again with self-confidence!
  513%Homer:    SORT OF!
  513%-- pep talk, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  514%Some things are so snazzy they never go out of style!
  514%Like tail fins... And bubble domes... And shag carpeting...
  514%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  515%Hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said.
  515%-- Herbert, to his advisor, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  516%I want a horn here, here, and here.
  516%You can never find a horn when you're mad.
  516%And they should all play `La Cucaracha'.
  516%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  517%Advisor: What about a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids
  517%         with optional restraints and muzzles?
  517%Homer:   Bullseye!
  517%-- designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  518%Lisa: The mouse is named Itchy and the cat is named Scratchy.
  518%Bart: They hate each other.
  518%Lisa: And they're not shy about expressing it.
  518%-- ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  519%To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings,
  519%when I could've been watching cartoons!
  519%-- Herbert Powell, watching `Itchy and Scratchy'
  519%   ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  520%Hello there.  Do you miss the Antarctic?
  520%-- Lisa, talking to a penguin at the zoo, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  521%Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders,
  521%members of the press, Your Holiness...
  521%-- Herbert Powell, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  522%All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
  522%Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball.
  522%Now, at last, I have found it.
  522%-- Homer, describing his car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  523%Homer:   Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all
  523%         your possessions.  I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been
  523%         better off if I'd never come into your life.
  523%Herbert: Maybe I would have been better off?
  523%         MAYBE!
  523%         Why you sponge-head.  Of COURSE I'd have been better off.
  523%         As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
  523%Marge:   Mm.  Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
  523%-- Herbert leaving forever, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  524%His life was an unbridled success until he found out... he was a Simpson.
  524%-- Lisa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  525%Bart:  Dad?
  525%Homer: What is it, boy?
  525%Bart:  I thought your car was really cool.
  525%Homer: Thanks boy!  I was waiting for someone to say that.
  525%-- driving home, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
  526%Marge: You know, <we'll> be old someday.
  526%Homer: Gasp!  My God, you're right, Marge!  You kids wouldn't put me in a home
  526%       like I did to my dad, would you?
  526%Bart:  [considering the idea] Well...
  526%Homer: Aaah!
  526%-- After another miserable Sunday with Grampa, ``Old Money''
  527%Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place
  527%at the same time and... Jeez!  You'd think this would get easier with time!
  527%-- Grampa asks Bea Simmons out, ``Old Money''
  528%Yo, active wear?  Need a price check on a wool shoal.
  528%-- Clerk at `Grandma's World', ``Old Money''
  529%Do not feed the animals.  Do not allow animals inside the car.
  529%Do not make eye contact with animals.
  529%-- Lisa reads the instruction pamphlet for Discount Lion Safari, ``Old Money''
  530%Mr. Simpson, I presume.
  530%-- Very British `Discount Lion Safari' guide, ``Old Money''
  531%You know, Jasper, they may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know
  531%she died of a broken heart.
  531%-- Grampa mourns Bea's passing, ``Old Money''
  532%You can tell she really cared for me.  She didn't make me a pallbearer.
  532%-- Grampa watches the pallbearers struggle with the casket, ``Old Money''
  533%Homer:  I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
  533%Grampa: Is someone talking to me?  I didn't hear anything.
  533%Homer:  Oh no!  Dad's lost his hearing!
  533%-- Grampa disowns Homer, ``Old Money''
  534%Hutz:   There is one catch...  You must spend one night in... a haunted house!
  534%Grampa: [gasp!]
  534%Hutz:   Just kidding.
  534%-- Grampa inherits $106,000, ``Old Money''
  535%Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it.  It looks
  535%just like a cigar.  Isn't that something!
  535%-- Lionel Hutz leaves a calling card, ``Old Money''
  536%Grampa:   Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated
  536%          like human beings! whether they have money or not?
  536%Director: Yes, but it passes.
  536%-- The retirement home director tries to get his hands on... ``Old Money''
  537%Oh, Abraham, calm down.  I'm not here to scare you.  They've got me haunting
  537%a family in Texas.
  537%-- Bea's ghost appears, ``Old Money''
  538%Hiya.  You have reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line.
  538%If you have a sullen teenager, press `1'.. NOW!
  538%If you are estranged from your spouse, press `2'... NOW!
  538%If you have trouble maintaining an...
  538%-- ``Old Money''
  539%Monroe: It's a special isolation chamber.  The subject pulls levers to receive
  539%        food and water.  The floor can become electrified, and showers of
  539%        icy water randomly fall on the subject.  I call it... The Monroe Box!
  539%Grampa: Uh huh.  Sounds interesting.  How much will it cost to build?
  539%Monroe: Oh, that's the beauty part!  It's already built!  I need the money
  539%        to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of thirty.
  539%Grampa: What are you trying to prove?
  539%Monroe: Well, my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and
  539%        will harbor a deep resentment towards me.
  539%Grampa: Mm.  Interesting.
  539%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
  540%Man:    With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby could destroy
  540%        an area the size of New York City.
  540%Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill them!
  540%Man:    Oh.  Well, to be honest, the ray only has <evil> applications...
  540%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
  541%Lisa:   The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums.
  541%        They're little children who need more library books, and they're
  541%        families who can't make ends meet.  Of course, if you really wanted
  541%        to, you could buy me a pony.
  541%Grampa: You're right!
  541%Lisa:   I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!
  541%-- Lisa suggests how Grampa could spend his... ``Old Money''
  542%Homer: A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and
  542%       for God's sakes, hurry!
  542%Voice: [unintelligible, thanks to the poor-quality microphone]
  542%-- The drive-through window of a Krusty Burger, ``Old Money''
  543%Grampa: I think Rudyard Kipling said it best:  If you can make one heap
  543%        of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
  543%        and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe
  543%        a word about your loss, yours is the earth is everything that is
  543%        in it, and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.
  543%Homer:    You'll be a bonehead!
  543%-- Trying to stop Grampa from risking it all at the casino, ``Old Money''
  544%Grampa: Put it all on 41.  [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
  544%Roulette man:  The wheel only goes to 36.
  544%Grampa: Okay, put it all on 36.
  544%        [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
  544%-- Grampa at the casino, ``Old Money''
  545%Krusty: Okay kids, it's time to...
  545%Kids:   Kroon Along With Krusty!  Yeah!
  545%        [singing]
  545%        I want to go to Mt. Splashmore,
  545%        Take me, take me, take me, take me now!
  545%        Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
  545%        Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now!  Yay!
  545%-- ``A rather shameless promotion'', ``Brush with Greatness''
  546%Homer:      [asleep on the couch, drool dripping out of his mouth]
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No.
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No.
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No!
  546%            [following Homer walking down the hallway]
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No.
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No.
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No.
  546%            [at the dinner table]
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No.
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No!
  546%            [as Homer watches television with a beer in his hand]
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No.
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No.
  546%            [as Homer takes a shower]
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      No!!
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      NO!!!!
  546%            [as Homer tries to get some sleep]
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      NO!!!!!!
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      NO!!!!!!!!
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      NOOO!!
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      NOOOOO!!!
  546%            [Marge pulls her pillow over her head]
  546%            If I take you will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME!
  546%Bart:       Yeah!
  546%Lisa:       Of course!
  546%Bart:       Well?
  546%Bart+Lisa:  Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
  546%Homer:      Yes!
  546%Bart+Lisa   Thanks, dad!
  546%-- The persistence of memory? ``Brush with Greatness''
  547%Everybody stick together.  We don't want to get separ...
  547%[turns around, everybody is gone]  D'oh!
  547%-- Homer's instructions to the family at Mt. Splashmore,
  547%   ``Brush with Greatness''
  548%Challenge the raging water of DEATH.
  548%Dare to discover what water is really made of!
  548%H2WHOA!
  548%-- Mt. Splashmore announcer, ``Brush with Greatness''
  549%Bart: Okay, Lis.  Turn on the water works, babe.
  549%Lisa: [crying] Mommy!  I want my mommy! [sob sob]
  549%-- How to get to the front of the line for a ride at Mt. Splashmore,
  549%   ``Brush with Greatness''
  550%Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and
  550%five hundred pounds.
  550%-- Newscaster on Homer's getting stuck in the water slide,
  550%   ``Brush with Greatness''
  551%Krusty: [surrounded by reporters]
  551%        No, this slide is perfectly safe.  This was an isolated incident.
  551%Kent Brockman:  I understand that Krusty... [lost in the reporters' yelling]
  551%        Krusty!  Was that exactly what you said just before the recall of
  551%        tainted `Krusty Brand Mayonnaise'?
  551%Krusty: Now kids, you know that question is out of bounds.
  551%        This interview is over.
  551%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
  552%Homer:  All right, family.  I want the truth.  Don't pull any punches.
  552%        [sweetly]  Am I just a little bit overweight?
  552%        [silence]
  552%        [angrily] Well, am I?
  552%Lisa:   Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugar-coat a response.
  552%-- Ooh, and a split infinitive, too, ``Brush with Greatness''
  553%Oh!  Four hundred and thirty-seven...  Fifty pounds?
  553%Oh my God!  Three hundred and...  A hundred and fifty?
  553%OH! Ooh. OH! Ooh.
  553%Oh my God!  It's two hundred and sixty pounds!
  553%I'm a big fat pig!
  553%-- The ups and downs of dieting with a shaky scale, ``Brush with Greatness''
  554%Marge: You do have big bones.
  554%Homer: Marge, no one gains thirty pounds of bones!
  554%-- Homer finds he weighs 260 pounds, ``Brush with Greatness''
  555%I am going on a diet.
  555%From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent!
  555%No donut too tasty!
  555%No pizza too laden with delicious toppings
  555%to prevent me from reaching my scientifically-determined ideal weight!
  555%As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!
  555%-- Homer, upon realizing he needs to lose weight, ``Brush with Greatness''
  556%Bart:  Hey, Homer, I found your weights.
  556%Homer: [admiring] Oh, the Glutemus Maximizer...
  556%-- Up in the attic, ``Brush with Greatness''
  557%Marge: Oh Homer, don't be jealous.  I was a schoolgirl.
  557%       The Beatles were very popular, and I had a crush on him.
  557%Homer: A likely story...
  557%-- Marge explains her collection of Ringo Starr paintings,
  557%   ``Brush with Greatness''
  558%Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?
  558%-- Homer, setting out on his diet, ``Brush with Greatness''
  559%Hey, I've been setting my drinks on these things!
  559%-- Homer admires a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness''
  560%Hello!  Hello!  Hello, taste?  Where are you?
  560%-- Homer bites into a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness''
  561%Hey Mom, these paintings are good.
  561%While I know first-hand how fragile young talent is,
  561%I'd love to hear the particulars of how <your> gift was squashed.
  561%-- Lisa asking Marge to explain her schoolgirl painting talent,
  561%   ``Brush with Greatness''
  562%Lisa:  Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College.
  562%Marge: I think it's a very nice idea.  Don't you, Homer?
  562%Homer: Do I have to do anything?
  562%Marge: No.
  562%Homer: Great!  Fine!  Go nuts!
  562%-- A loving, supportive husband, ``Brush with Greatness''
  563%I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class.
  563%I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu,
  563%pushed too far by convenience store bandits.
  563%I call it `Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey'.
  563%-- Apu, at Springfield Community College, ``Brush with Greatness''
  564%Marvelous!
  564%-- Prof. Lombardo sees a handyman paint the handrail, ``Brush with Greatness''
  565%Now, using the Lombardo method, you learn to see everyday objects
  565%as a simple grrouping of geometrical shapes.  Heah, we see how two
  565%concentric circles, various trapezoids, ellipses, and yes! even a rrhombus!
  565%can create an adorable little bunny-rabbit.  It's just that easy!
  565%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness''
  566%Bravo!  Walk away from it.  Now it belongs to the ages.
  566%[to next student]
  566%You!  Not another stroke!  Oh well, maybe one more, that's it!  Perfect!
  566%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness''
  567%Marge, please, I don't take praise very well!
  567%[sees a sign painter]
  567%Oh!  Another triumph!
  567%-- Prof. Lombardo, ``Brush with Greatness''
  568%Damnation, Smithers.  This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait
  568%was as half-baked as your idea about me having children!
  568%-- Burns chews out Smithers, ``Brush with Greatness''
  569%Smithers: Mrs. Homer Simpson.
  569%Burns:    Who?
  569%Smithers: She won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair,
  569%          and she's the wife of an employee, she'll be easily
  569%          intimidated.
  569%Burns:    Excellent.
  569%-- Searching for an artist to do Burns' portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
  570%Burns:    Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
  570%Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, sir.
  570%Burns:    Shut up.
  570%-- Too much of a good thing? ``Brush with Greatness''
  571%Marge:  That's wonderful, isn't it kids?
  571%Lisa:   [to Bart] Pass the moo juice.
  571%Marge:  Kids, remember what I told you about showing a little support?
  571%Lisa:   Way to go, Dad!
  571%Bart:   You look mahvelous!
  571%Maggie: [toasts Homer with her bottle of formula]
  571%-- Homer reaches his weight goal, ``Brush with Greatness''
  572%Donut man:  Hey, what gives?  These donuts are piling up.
  572%Worker:     Heh.  Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet.
  572%Donut man:  Oh my God.  And I just bought a boat! [slaps forehead]
  572%-- Homer's diet depresses the local economy, ``Brush with Greatness''
  573%Smithers:  Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?
  573%Marge:     Well, no.  Just Ringo Starr.
  573%Burns:     Ring-Go?
  573%Smithers:  He was the drummer for a rock-and-roll combo called
  573%           the Beatles, sir.
  573%Burns:     Beatles, eh?  Oh, yes.  I seem to remember their off-key
  573%           caterwauling on the old Sullivan show.  What <was> Ed thinking?
  573%-- Burns commissions Marge to paint his portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
  574%Smithers: Ah, sir.  At least the world will see you as I always have.
  574%Burns:    [trying to get him to shut up]  Yes, yes, yes.
  574%-- Preparing for a portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
  575%Marge:  What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns?
  575%        Did you have a dog that you loved?
  575%Burns:  Well...  Daah!  There's something on my leg.  [waves his leg]
  575%        Get it off!  Get it off!  [Maggie is clutching his leg]  Ugh!
  575%Marge:  [takes Maggie, holds her up] Mr. Burns, she's just a baby.
  575%Maggie: [suck suck suck]
  575%Burns:  [still scared] Ooh!
  575%-- Trying to find Mr. Burns' `inner beauty', ``Brush with Greatness''
  576%Homer:    All right, all right.  Who took the funny pages?
  576%Smithers: [reading to Burns]  So Ziggy goes to the repair shop,
  576%          there's a sign on the doorbell reading `out of order'.
  576%Burns:    Heh heh.  Ah, Ziggy.  Will you ever win?
  576%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
  577%Bart:  Hey Mom, did he have those spots all over his body?
  577%Burns: [opens the door] I heard that.
  577%-- Marge accidentally bursts in on Burns (naked) in the bathroom,
  577%   ``Brush with Greatness''
  578%Smithers: Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir?
  578%Burns:    Of course not, Smithers.  You're.  You're like a doctor.
  578%-- Marge catches Burns naked in the bathroom, ``Brush with Greatness''
  579%Burns:    [off camera]  Smithers!  I want my tea!
  579%Marge:    Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
  579%Smithers: Oh ho ho.  Actually, I value every second we're together.
  579%          From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning,
  579%          til I tuck him in at night.
  579%          He's not just my boss.  He's my best friend, too.
  579%Burns:    [sipping the tea]  Bah!  Too hot!  [spills it on Smithers]
  579%Smithers: Right, sir.  It's scalding me as we speak.
  579%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
  580%Dear Sally.  In response to you letter of December the 12th 1966,
  580%me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard.
  580%Thanks for the snapshot.  You're a real cute bird.  Love, Ringo.
  580%PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
  580%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness''
  581%Look!  I'm using the original notches that came with my belt!
  581%-- Homer is proud of his weight loss, ``Brush with Greatness''
  582%If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. [leaves, crying]
  582%--Homer reacts to Burns' insulting his weight, ``Brush with Greatness''
  583%Dear Marge.  Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly.  I hung
  583%it on me wall.  You're quite an artist.  In answer to your question,
  583%yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England.  But we call French
  583%fries `chips'.  Love, Ringo.  PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
  583%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness''
  584%Friends, art lovers, security personnel...
  584%-- Burns begins his speech on the opening of the Burns wing of the
  584%   art museum, ``Brush with Greatness''
  585%He's bad, but he'll die.  So I like it.
  585%-- Art critic, on Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness''
  586%You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate.
  586%-- Burns to Marge on her portrait of him, ``Brush with Greatness''
  587%Burns:  Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
  587%Marge:  [sotto voce]  I thought I did.
  587%-- On Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness''
  588%1: Did you hear about Miss Hoover?
  588%   She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake.
  588%2: Oh, I heard she fell down a well.
  588%   [Principal Skinner comes in with Miss Hoover, who is crying]
  588%Lisa:  My God, she's been dumped again...
  588%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
  589%Miss Hoover: [shakily] Children, I won't be staying long.
  589%             I just came from the doctor, and I have lyme disease.
  589%             Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
  589%Ralph:       What's lyme disease?
  589%Pr. Skinner: I'll field that one.  [goes to blackboard]  Lyme disease
  589%             is spread by small parasites called `ticks'.  [writes `TICKS'
  589%             on blackboard]  When a diseased tick attaches itself to
  589%             you, it begins sucking your blood...
  589%Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
  589%Pr. Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually
  589%             spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
  589%Miss Hoover: The brain!?  Oh, dear God...
  589%Class:       Wow!
  589%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
  590%   [a scream is heard from the room above]
  590%Skinner:  Bart Simpson!  I know it's you!
  590%-- Principal Skinner fills in for Miss Hoover, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  591%Oh look, this is really cool.  When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in!
  591%-- Bart shows a videotape of kittens being born, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  592%Bergstrom: [enters the classroom, guns ablazin']
  592%Skinner:   Are you the substitute?
  592%Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
  592%Skinner:   Are you insane?
  592%-- Principal Skinner doesn't quite get Bergstrom's unorthodox teaching
  592%   technique, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  593%And, for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen.
  593%Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.
  593%-- Mr. Bergstrom's lesson on the American West, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  594%Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library,
  594%        featuring an ABC of the over[something] genre.  Asimov,
  594%        Bester, Clarke!
  594%Student: What abouy Ray Bradbury?
  594%Martin: [dismissing]  I'm aware of his work...
  594%        [orating] Thank you, and... Keep watching the skies...
  594%-- Martin's campaign speech for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  595%Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat.
  595%      How can I put this?  Does your father help you with it.
  595%Lisa: No.  Homework's not my father's specialty.
  595%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
  596%Martin: [campaign speech]  In a sample taken in this very classroom,
  596%        a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos!
  596%Bart:   That's not enough!  We demand MORE asbestos!
  596%        [leads the class in a chant of `MORE ASBESTOS']
  596%-- Martin and Bart run for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  597%Homer: Wow!  You made the front page!
  597%Bart:  Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest?
  597%Homer: JUST a popularity contest?
  597%       Excuse me.  What's more important than popularity?
  597%-- Bart runs for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  598%I always knew you had personality.
  598%The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
  598%-- Homer is pleased that Bart's running for class president,
  598%   ``Lisa's Substitute''
  599%He says there aren't any easy answers.
  599%I say, he's not looking hard enough!
  599%-- Bart's campaign speech against Martin, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  600%Martin's Poster:  A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy!
  600%  Bart's Poster:  A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy! [scrawled]
  600%-- The campaign for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  601%You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.
  601%-- Lisa comments on Bart's campaign antics, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  602%Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow,
  602%       and I think you should take her.
  602%Homer: Museum?  Tomorrow?  Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning
  602%       on... [thinks to himself] Sleeping?  Eating a big sandwich?  Watching
  602%       TV?  Spending time with the boy! [speaks up]  Spending time with the
  602%       boy!  The boy needs attention, Marge.
  602%Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your
  602%       relationship with her.
  602%Bart:  Me too, Mom.  I think you're drifting apart.
  602%Homer: Shut up, boy.
  602%Marge: Homer, please.
  602%Homer: Marge, you don't understand.  I can't do it because...
  602%       [thinking to himself] You're trapped.  If you were smarter, you
  602%       might think of something.  But you're not, so you just might as
  602%       well... [speaks up]  All right, all right, I'll take her.
  602%       [sotto voce]  Lousy brain.
  602%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
  603%Homer: Eh, what do you mean by `suggested donation'?
  603%Clerk: Pay any amount you wish, sir.
  603%Homer: And uh, what if I wish to pay ... zero?
  603%Clerk: That is up to you.
  603%Homer: Ooh, so it's up to me, is it?
  603%Clerk: Yes.
  603%Homer: I see.  And you think that people are going to pay
  603%       you $4.50 even though they don't have to?
  603%       Just out of the goodness of their... [laughs]
  603%       Well, anything you say!  Good luck, lady, you're gonna need it!
  603%-- Homer sees the sign `Suggested donation: $4.50' at the museum entrance,
  603%   ``Lisa's Substitute''
  604%Ooh, pretty creepy.  Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.
  604%-- Homer admires the mummy at the museum, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  605%She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education,
  605%youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, ``Why me?  What
  605%did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...'' [cries]
  605%-- Homer talks to Mr. Bergstrom on Lisa's need for a strong male role model,
  605%   ``Lisa's Substitute''
  606%Mr. B: There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.
  606%Homer: Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A!
  606%Mr. B: I <am> giving her an A.
  606%Homer: Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me.  Tell her she earned it.
  606%Mr. B: Mr. Simpson, she <did> earn it.
  606%Homer: You are smooth, I'll give you that.
  606%-- On Lisa's education, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  607%Marge: Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner?
  607%Lisa:  Oh, Mom!  That's wonderful!
  607%       Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it?
  607%Marge: Sure.
  607%Lisa:  Can I wear your jewelry?
  607%Marge: Sure.
  607%Lisa:  Can I get my ears pierced?
  607%Marge: No.
  607%Lisa:  Can I dye my shoes pink?
  607%Marge: Yes.
  607%Lisa:  Can I paint my nails?
  607%Marge: No.
  607%Lisa:  Can we have wine?
  607%Marge: Yes.
  607%Lisa:  Can I have wine?
  607%Marge: No.
  607%Lisa:  Does Bart have to be there?
  607%Marge: Yes.
  607%Lisa:  Can we do it this week?
  607%-- Setting the ground rules, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  608%Miss Hoover: You see, class, my lyme disease turned out to be
  608%             [spells it on the board] psychosomatic.
  608%Ralph:       Does that mean you're crazy?
  608%Student 2:   No, that means she was faking it.
  608%Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both.
  608%-- Miss Hoover returns to teaching, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  609%Bart:  I demand a recount!
  609%Ms. K: [counts the votes] One for Martin.  Two for Martin.
  609%       Would you like another recount?
  609%Bart:  [realizing he's beat] No.
  609%Ms. K: [enjoying it]  Well, I just want to make sure.
  609%       One for Martin.  Two for Martin.  [chuckles]
  609%-- The Apathy Party loses again, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  610%That's the problem with being middle-class.
  610%Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.
  610%-- Mr. Bergstrom's parting remarks, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  611%Bart didn't get one vote?
  611%Oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us!
  611%-- Homer, on Bart failing to be elected class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  612%Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
  612%-- Homer tries to understand Lisa, ``Lisa's Substitute''
  613%Lisa:  You, sir, are a baboon!
  613%Homer: [gasp] Me?
  613%Lisa:  Yes, you!  Baboon!  Baboon!  Baboon!  Baboon!
  613%Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying...
  613%Lisa:  BABOON! [leaves in tears]
  613%Bart:  Whoa.  Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe
  613%       it was her.
  613%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
  614%Mmm... Horse doovers...
  614%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons''
  615%Marge: [slaps Homer's hand] Homer!  You promised.
  615%Homer: I promised I wouldn't eat?  Never!  You lie!
  615%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons''
  616%Homer: Never thrown a party?  What about that big bash we had with all
  616%       the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything?
  616%Marge: That was our wedding!
  616%Homer: Oh.
  616%-- pre-party discussion, ``War of the Simpsons''
  617%Marge: Oh, they're here.  How does everything look?
  617%Homer: Yeah, how do I look?
  617%Marge: Do we have enough glasses?
  617%Homer: Do we have enough gag ice cubes?
  617%Marge: Homer, Homer, put a record on.
  617%Homer: What are all our friends' names again?
  617%-- pre-party panic, ``War of the Simpsons''
  618%And the house!  You've done...
  618%[looks at the living room; nothing spectacular]  Whatever!
  618%-- Ned tries to compliment the Simpsons, ``War of the Simpsons''
  619%Homer: Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it!
  619%Ned:   Au contraire, Simpson.  It has three shots of rum, a jigger of
  619%       bourbon, and just a little daberilla of creme de cassis for flavor.
  619%Homer: Really?  Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I sheem
  619%       to be slurring my speech.  You're right!  Gimme another.
  619%-- Flanders demonstrates his mixological skills, ``War of the Simpsons''
  620%Marge: Homer, go easy on the alkyhol.  Remember last year at the Winfields'
  620%       party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
  620%Homer: No.
  620%Marge: Mm.
  620%-- Homer starts getting tipsy, ``War of the Simpsons''
  621%Hey!  You're Homer's sister-in-law, right?
  621%I remember you.  But I don't remember you being so beau[burp]tiful.
  621%[she maces him]  Oh, ow, hey, [burp] [cough]
  621%Is that a new kind of mace?  It's really painful.
  621%-- Barney talks to Patty (or is it Selma?), ``War of the Simpsons''
  622%Dr. Hibert:  If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you
  622%    roll him onto his stomach.
  622%Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibert.  Thanks for coming.
  622%Dr. Hibert:  Remember, I said `if'.
  622%-- The party's over, ``War of the Simpsons''
  622%    [And notice that she didn't roll him over! -- Chuck Anderson]
  623%Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
  623%Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.
  623%-- The kids watch Marge and Homer talk in the car, ``War of the Simpsons''
  624%I like to think that I am a patient, tolerant woman, and that there
  624%was no line you could cross that would make me stop loving you.
  624%But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!
  624%-- Marge, ``War of the Simpsons''
  625%Marge: You are going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred
  625%       him for life.
  625%Homer: No, I didn't!  I ... Oh, you mean inside, don't you.
  625%-- ``War of the Simpsons''
  626%Homer: About last night.  You might have noticed Daddy acting a little
  626%       strange and you probably don't understand why.
  626%Bart:  I understand why.  You were wasted.
  626%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons''
  627%Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect
  627%       for me.
  627%Bart:  Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
  627%Homer: Awww.... [pats Bart's head]
  627%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons''
  628%We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including
  628%`Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners'
  628%and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'.
  628%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons''
  629%Marge:  Grampa, could you do something?
  629%Grampa: I can dress myself.
  629%-- Asking Grampa to babysit the kids, ``War of the Simpsons''
  630%Bart:   Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this.
  630%        It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.
  630%Grampa: [reads] Eh heh.  Uh huh.  You're allowed to smoke cigars?
  630%-- Marge leaves the kids in Grampa's care, ``War of the Simpsons''
  631%Bart: After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty
  631%      Burger, and head for the arcade.
  631%Lisa: Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man.  He trusts us.  Are you sure it's
  631%      right to take advantage of him?
  631%Bart: Lis, in these crazy topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or
  631%      wrong?  But right now, my gut's telling me, ``Bleed Gramps dry.''
  631%-- Grampa babysits the kids, ``War of the Simpsons''
  632%A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer.
  632%It takes a whole weekend to do that!
  632%-- Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
  633%Rev.:  We must bait our hooks with honesty.  That way, a happy marriage,
  633%       heh heh, won't be the one that got away.
  633%Homer: I see. [sotto voce] He also understands bowling expressions.
  633%-- Rev. Lovejoy welcomes Homer to his marriage encounter retreat,
  633%   ``War of the Simpsons''
  634%Ah, three couples.  Our best turnout yet!
  634%-- Rev. Lovejoy opens the marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
  635%Ned:   Sometimes Maude (God bless her), she underlines passages in <my> Bible
  635%       because she can't find hers.
  635%Homer: [mutters] Oh.  Lucky they don't keep guns in the house.
  635%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
  636%Rev.:  Marge is going to tell us about your faults, why don't you tell
  636%       us about hers?
  636%Homer: Oh, she's perfect.
  636%Rev.:  Come on, Homer, what are her faults?
  636%Homer: Well, sometimes it can be annoying.
  636%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
  637%Marge: He chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy
  637%       bar with bums and lowlifes.
  637%Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true!
  637%Rev.:  Homer, don't interrupt.
  637%Homer: Sorry.
  637%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
  638%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate.
  638%Bart: Check.
  638%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge.
  638%Bart: Check.
  638%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chip.
  638%Bart: Yep.
  638%Grampa: Did your mom really write that shopping list?
  638%Lisa: Grampa, what a question!
  638%-- Shopping for groceries, ``War of the Simpsons''
  639%It's no use kidding myself.  I'm having an ethical crisis.
  639%-- Lisa is concerned about how she and Bart are taking advantage of Grampa,
  639%   ``War of the Simpsons''
  640%Grampa: [pours Lisa a cup of coffee] Sugar?
  640%Lisa:   Yes, ten please.
  640%Bart:   [shaking]  Hey Grampa, top me off.
  640%Grampa: Are you sure your Ma let you kids drink coffee?
  640%Bart:   [snaps] For the last time, yes!
  640%-- My breakfast with Grampa, ``War of the Simpsons''
  641%Helen: Now, this is a trust exercise.
  641%       You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
  641%Marge: Do I have to do this?
  641%Rev.:  No.  Even if your husband <were> here, I wouldn't recommend it.
  641%-- Marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
  642%Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where
  642%I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right.  It's all his fault.
  642%I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.
  642%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons''
  643%Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is.
  643%Right up there with, the... uh... that bald guy on the cable fishing show.
  643%-- Homer plans to catch `General Sherman', ``War of the Simpsons''
  644%Holy mackerel!
  644%-- Homer lands a catfish, ``War of the Simpsons''
  645%Otto: Any chicks over eight?
  645%Bart: Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
  645%-- Bart throws a wild party, ``War of the Simpsons''
  646%Bart: Lisa, what's wrong?
  646%Lisa: Isn't it obvious?  We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's
  646%      rights movement for decades to come.
  646%Bart: You're great at a party, Lis.  Really great.
  646%-- Lisa observes the wild party Bart is throwing, ``War of the Simpsons''
  647%Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
  647%Lisa: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.
  647%-- Is it contagious? ``War of the Simpsons''
  648%I gave up fame and breakfast for our marriage.
  648%-- Homer, after tossing `General Sherman' back into the lake,
  648%   ``War of the Simpsons''
  649%I'll never trust another old person...
  649%-- Bart realizes Grampa duped him, ``War of the Simpsons''
  650%Clerk: Yep, `General Sherman'.  They say he's five hundred pounds of
  650%       bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know.  No one knows how old he is, but
  650%       if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day.
  650%Customer: And uh no one's ever caught him?
  650%Clerk: Well, one fella came close.  Went by the name of Homer.  Seven feet
  650%       tall he was, with arms like tree trunks.  His eyes were like steel,
  650%       cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell.
  650%-- The making of a legend, ``War of the Simpsons''
  651%Lisa:  If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will
  651%       be gone!
  651%Bart:  Ah, what do you care about good comics?  All you every buy is Casper
  651%       the Wimpy Ghost.
  651%Lisa:  I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and
  651%       I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
  651%Bart:  Well, you know what I think?  I think Casper is the ghost of
  651%       Richie Rich. [shows comics of Casper and Richie Rich]
  651%Lisa:  Hey, they do look alike!
  651%Bart:  Wonder how Richie died.
  651%Lisa:  Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and
  651%       took his own life.
  651%Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?
  651%-- driving to the comics convention, ``Three Men and Comic Book''
  652%Too bad you didn't come dressed as a popular cartoon character.
  652%-- Lisa to Bart at the comics convention, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  652%   [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]
  653%Bart: Oooh, what's that?
  653%Otto: My very own idea for a comic book, little man.
  653%      [unveils his conception of Busman, which bears a distinct resemblance
  653%      to Otto despite some anatomically awesome features]
  653%      It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day, but by night,
  653%      fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone!
  653%Bart: Cool!
  653%-- A Heroic Ideal, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  654%Radioactive Man: Ah, these Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves that
  654%    I need to combat evil.
  654%Fallout Boy: Gee willikers, Radioactive Man.  Wished I was old enough to
  654%    smoke Laramies.
  654%Radioactive Man: Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen.
  654%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  655%Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello where his
  655%bullet-riddled body was found?
  655%-- Bart asks a pointed question at a Q&A session at the comic convention,
  655%   ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  656%Bart:   Wow, Radioactive Man #1!  I bet it's worth a million bucks!
  656%Dealer: It is, my lad.  But I'll let you have it for a hundred, because you
  656%        remind me of me.
  656%-- A deal that's hard to beat, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  657%Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this earth, but now I know:
  657%To buy that comic book!
  657%-- Bart, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  658%Bart:  I need a hundred dollars for a comic book.
  658%Homer: A hundred bucks for a comic book?  Who drew it, Michael Milangelo?
  658%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  659%Bart:  I want this more than anything in the world.
  659%Homer: Well, T.S.!
  659%-- Bart wants $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No.
  660%Bart:  Please, Dad.
  660%Homer: No!  Now look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like
  660%       this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying.  (It shows
  660%       you've been paying attention.)  But we all know I'm not gonna give
  660%       you a hundred dollars.  Now, are you going to stop bugging me?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  No.
  660%Homer: Are you?
  660%Bart:  OKAY!!!!
  660%Homer: Hoo hoo!  I win!  In your face!  Yeah, how do you like them apples?
  660%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  661%Young Selma: We'll give you half our allowance.
  661%Young Patty: Uh huh.  But you have to be our slave.
  661%Young Marge: Oh, okay.
  661%Young Selma: This gives us a lot more free time.
  661%Young Patty: Uh huh.  Let's take up smoking.
  661%-- Marge wants to buy a light-bulb toy oven, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  662%Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
  662%Bart:  Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that.  Your already taking care
  662%       of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
  662%Lisa:  She means <you> should get a job, stupid!
  662%-- Bart needs $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  663%Bart:  [Daniel Stern's voice, a la Wonder Years]  Me?  Get a job?  Were they
  663%       serious?  I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my
  663%       childhood had slipped away, forever.
  663%Homer: Bart!  What are you staring at?
  663%Bart:  Uh, nothing.  [Daniel Stern continues]  He didn't say it, and neither
  663%       did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we...
  663%Homer: Bart!  Stop it!
  663%Bart:  Sorry.
  663%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  664%Bart:  Ching-ching-ching!  [smashes a souvenir coin collection he received
  664%       from Patty and Selma]  [goes to the bank]  Americanize this, my good man.
  664%Clerk: Okay.
  664%Bart:  All those coins were only worth three lousy cents?
  664%Clerk: Let the good times roll!
  664%-- Bart is desperate for money, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  665%Bart: There you go, Apu.
  665%Apu:  Ah, very good.  Would you like the deposit defrayed from the cost of a
  665%      jumbo cherry squishy?
  665%Bart: No, not today, I need the dime.
  665%Apu:  Oh, it is good to see you are learning a trade.
  665%-- Young entrepeneurship, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  666%Barney: Hey, Bart, can you give me one on credit?  I'm a little short this
  666%        week.
  666%Bart:   Beat it.
  666%-- No harm in trying, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  667%Cop:  Hey, uh, do you have liquor license here, young fella?
  667%Bart: Uh, my dog ate it.
  667%-- Bart's one-time lemonade stand is now a beer stand,
  667%   ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  668%Dried apricots?  Almond paste?  Sauerkraut candy!
  668%-- Mrs. Quick offers Bart some sweets, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  669%[Asa pulls the pin, ready to throw the grenade]
  669%This one's for you, Kaiser Bill.  Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the
  669%boys in D company.  Yeah...  Johnny, Harris, Brooklyn Bob.  And Reggie.  Yeah,
  669%even Reggie.  He ain't so stuck up once you get to know hi...
  669%[*** KABOOM ***]
  669%-- And the rest is history, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  670%Woman: Jack, please, I'm married.
  670%Jack:  [embraces her]  Ha.  Must be what's turning me on.  [hot stuff ensues]
  670%Mrs.Q: Filthy!  But genuinely arousing.
  670%-- Mrs. Quick watches a smarmy soap, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  671%Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
  671%-- Bart, Romancing the Comic, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  672%No, no, not the iodine.  Burn the germs off with a torch.
  672%Amputate my arm, but not the ....  AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
  672%-- Bart is treated by Mrs. Quick, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  673%Mrs. Quick:  Bart!  You didn't say `Thank you'.
  673%Bart:        Listen Lady, I can leave without screaming, and I can
  673%             leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way that I
  673%             am saying `Thank you'.
  673%Mrs. Quick:  You're welcome!
  673%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
  673%   ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  674%Homer: Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money.
  674%Bart:  Really?
  674%Homer: Naah.
  674%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
  674%   ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  675%Bart:  I am through with working.  Working is for chumps.
  675%Homer: Son, I'm proud of you.  I was <twice> your age before I figured
  675%       that out.
  675%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
  675%   ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  676%Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars?
  676%Dealer: Forty bucks?  You made me get off my stool for that?
  676%Martin: It's all I got.  I sold seeds.  I visited my aunt in the nursing home.
  676%        I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake!
  676%Dealer: No way.  [notices Bart]  What do you want?
  676%Bart:   Can I have it for thirty-five?
  676%-- Unsuccessful haggling, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  677%Bart:   Look pal, we got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy
  677%        Radioactive Man #1.  So why don't you just waddle over
  677%        there and get it?
  677%Dealer: Yes, sir.
  677%-- Bart in charge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  678%Martin: I would've thought that being hit by an atomic bomb would've
  678%        killed him.
  678%Bart:   Now you know better.
  678%-- The gang read the original `Radioactive Man' comic,
  678%   ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  679%Martin:    How about this, guys?  Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays,
  679%           Millhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will
  679%           take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
  679%Bart:      Perfect!
  679%Millhouse: Wait a minute!  What about Sundays?
  679%Bart:      [suspiciously] Yeah, what <about> Sundays?
  679%Martin:    Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number
  679%           generator.  I will take the digits 1 through 3, Millhouse will
  679%           have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.
  679%Bart:      Perfect!
  679%Millhouse: Wait a minute!  What about 0?
  679%Bart:      [suspiciously] Yeah, what <about> 0?
  679%Millhouse: Yeah.
  679%Martin:    Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined
  679%           by Rock Scissors Paper competition, best 3 out of 5.  How's that?
  679%Bart and : Oh, okay.
  679%Millhouse: Yeah, all right.
  679%-- An Equitable Split, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  680%Bart:   Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
  680%Martin: I don't know.  Is it worse than what you do with people who have to go
  680%        to the bathroom?
  680%-- Crime and Punishment, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  681%I've got some cocoa on the stove.  Who wants imitation marshmallows?
  681%-- Marge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  682%Bart:      We worked so hard, and now it's all gone.
  682%           We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.
  682%Millhouse: What's your point?
  682%Bart:      Nothing.  Just kind of ticks me off.
  682%-- The moral of the story, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
  683%Diamond Joe Quimby:  Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests,
  683%       I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system.  In the
  683%       off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the
  683%       good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
  683%       [sign lights up, ``Relax.  Everything is fine.'']
  683%Crowd: Aah. [applause]
  683%       [sign lights up, ``Minor leak.  Roll up window.'']
  683%Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
  683%       [sign lights up, ``Meltdown.  Flee city.'']
  683%Crowd: [scattered applause]
  683%       [sign lights up, ``Core explosion.  Repent sins.'']
  683%Crowd: [stunned silence]
  683%Homer: Hee hee.  Joke's on them.  If the core explodes, there won't be any
  683%       power to light that sign!
  683%-- Homer jokes with his coworkers about the Nuclear Disaster Warning Sign,
  683%   ``Blood Feud''
  684%No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me.  As long as there's
  684%an ounce of strength left in me, I... [passes out]
  684%-- Monty Burns collapses from hypohemia, ``Blood Feud''
  685%Smithers, don't feel so bad.  After all, that kidney you donated to me
  685%really hit the spot.
  685%-- Burns, consoling Smithers, who is unable to give the blood necessary
  685%   to save his life, ``Blood Feud''
  686%I can't believe you guys.  There's a human being out there with millions
  686%of dollars who needs our help.  And you don't want to cash in?
  686%-- Homer tries to take the moral high ground when none of his coworkers
  686%   wants to donate blood to save Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''
  687%[showing Maggie flashcards] Maggie, look!  What's that?  Lemur.
  687%[slowly]  Le-mur.  [next card]   Zebu.  [slowly]  Ze-bu.
  687%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''
  688%Marge: [watching Lisa show Maggie flashcards] What's a zebu?
  688%Lisa:  It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap.
  688%       [indicating to Maggie]  [sweetly] Hump, and a dewlap!  Hump and dewlap!
  688%-- Lisa shows Maggie animal flashcards, ``Blood Feud''
  689%Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion?
  689%Bart:  Is it a Bible story?
  689%Homer: Yeah, probably.  Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion
  689%       who got a thorn in his paw.  All the village people tried to pull it
  689%       out, but nobody was strong enough!  So, they got Hercules.  And
  689%       Hercules used his mighty strength, and Bingo!  Anyway, the moral is,
  689%       the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
  689%Bart:  How did a lion get rich?
  689%Homer: It was the olden days!
  689%Bart:  Oh.
  689%-- ``Blood Feud''
  690%Burns:    [weakly] Smithers, I'm not going to make it.  I want to
  690%          dictate my epitaph.
  690%Smithers: [choked with tears] Go ahead.
  690%Burns:    Charles Montgomery Burns.  ... American...  Patriot... American...
  690%          Patriot...  [gaining energy] Master of the atom. ... Scourge
  690%          of the despot!  [really on a roll] Oh, tyrant!  Hear his
  690%          mighty name, and quake! [gets up]  Smithers, I'm back!
  690%-- Burns receives a badly-needed transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
  691%Burns: Oh, top of the morning to ye!  Why, look who's here!
  691%       It's ... good old... You!
  691%Man:   Hi, Mr. Burns.
  691%Burns: Oh, hey there, Mr. uh... Brown-Shoes!  How about that ..
  691%       local sports team!
  691%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
  692%Smithers, I'm back in the pink!  Full of pith and vinegar!
  692%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
  693%You know, it's funny, Smithers.  I tried every tincture and poultice and
  693%tonic and patent medicine there is, and all I really needed was the blood
  693%of a young boy.
  693%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
  694%Burns:    By the way, what was the lad's name?
  694%Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir.
  694%Burns:    Who?
  694%Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, sir.  One of your stiffs
  694%          in sector 7-G.
  694%-- Burns leans who donated the blood to save his life, `Blood Feud''
  695%Bill.     [tosses into wastebasket]
  695%Bill.     [tosses into wastebasket]
  695%Summons.  [tosses into wastebasket]
  695%Bill.     [tosses into wastebasket]
  695%-- Homer goes through the daily mail, ``Blood Feud''
  696%Homer: Marge, Lisa, Maggie, let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors
  696%       can see.  Lisa, dim the lights.  No, turn on more lights.  Oh, do
  696%       something!
  696%Lisa:  Yes, Dad. [turns on the sprinkler]
  696%-- Homer prepares to open the letter from Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''
  697%Some way to show your gratitude!  No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even
  697%a lousy card!  Wait a minute... there <was> a card...
  697%-- Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, whose only expression of gratitude was a
  697%   thank-you card, ``Blood Feud''
  698%Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded.  You do
  698%       them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand.
  698%Homer: Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but [condescendingly]
  698%       you're living in a world of make-believe!  With flowers and bells
  698%       and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
  698%Bart: Yeah, Mom, we got hosed.
  698%-- When Bart saves Mr. Burns' life with his donated blood, ``Blood Feud''
  699%Homer: Bart!  Take a letter!
  699%       Dear Mr. Burns...  [heavy sarcasm] I'm so `glad' you enjoyed my
  699%       son's blood.  And your `card' was `just great'.  In case you can't
  699%       tell, I'm being sarcastic.  You.. Stink!  Could you read that last
  699%       part back to me?
  699%Bart:  `You stink!'
  699%Homer: Heh heh heh.  Good.  `You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy,
  699%       with bony girl-arms, and you smell like...'
  699%Bart:  An elephant's butt?
  699%Homer: Hee hee.  `An elephant's butt.'
  699%-- Homer writes a nasty letter to his boss, ``Blood Feud''
  700%I'm with you, Homer!  Fight the Power!
  700%-- Barney provides encouragement as Homer kicks the mailbox, ``Blood Feud''
  701%Homer: I'll get our letter so wet, the ink will run and no one will
  701%       be able to read it!
  701%Bart:  Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there?
  701%Homer: So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo!
  701%       You know the kind of letters people write. ``Dear somebody you've
  701%       never heard of, How is so-and-so?  Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
  701%       Yours truly, some bozo.''  Big loss.
  701%-- On watering the mail to prevent a letter from being mailed, ``Blood Feud''
  702%Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and you
  702%       know my name and address and everything, huh?
  702%Postal Worker: That's right.
  702%Homer: Well.. I'm still going to run. [runs away]
  702%-- Homer is caught tampering with a mailbox, ``Blood Feud''
  703%Mr. Roman: First question.  Have you slept with anyone famous?
  703%Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I...  [catches himself] What in blazes!
  703%-- Burns hires a ghost writer, ``Blood Feud''
  704%Homer: [trying to disguise his voice]
  704%       Hello, my name is Mr. Burns.  I believe you have a letter for me.
  704%Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
  704%Homer: [brief pause] I don't know.
  704%       [outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
  704%-- Trying to intercept a letter, ``Blood Feud''
  705%Lisa:  Ooh, look, Maggie!  What is that?  Dodecahedron!  Dodecahedron!
  705%Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and
  705%       your father is trying to worry.
  705%-- Lisa shows Maggie some very peculiar flashcards, ``Blood Feud''
  706%Burns:  Who are you?
  706%Homer:  [thinks] Don't tell him.  Give him a fake name.
  706%        [aloud]  Homer Simpson.
  706%        [thinks] D'oh!
  706%-- Thinking fast on your feet, ``Blood Feud''
  707%I could crush him like an ant.  But it would be too easy.  No, revenge is
  707%a dish best served cold.  I'll bide my time until...  Oh, what the hell.
  707%I'll just crush him like an ant.
  707%-- Burns plans his next move, ``Blood Feud''
  708%Bart: You always told me I was going to destroy the family.  But I never
  708%      believed it.
  708%Lisa: That's okay, Bart.  Nobody really believed it.
  708%      We were just trying to scare you.
  708%-- Bart destroys the family, ``Blood Feud''
  709%In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you.
  709%`What's that?' you say?  Me thanking you?
  709%No, it's not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much
  709%as you enjoyed reading it.  The End.
  709%-- Burns finishes his book, ``Blood Feud''
  710%Moe:  [answers the phone]  Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
  710%Bart: Uh, hello.  Is Mike there?  Last name, Rotch.
  710%Moe:  Hold on, I'll check. [calls]  Mike Rotch!  Mike Rotch!  Hey, has
  710%      anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? [snickers from the patrons]
  710%      [to phone] Listen, you little puke.  One of these days, I'm going
  710%      to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with
  710%      an ice pick.
  710%-- Another phone prank, ``Blood Feud''
  711%Moe:    What's the matter, Homer?  You're not your normal effervescent self.
  711%Homer:  I got my problems, Moe.  Give me another one.
  711%Moe:    Homer, hey.  You should not drink to forget your problems.
  711%Barney: Yeah.  You should only drink to enhance your social skills. [belch]
  711%-- But does it work? ``Blood Feud''
  712%We'll get the Simpsons a present.  An extravagant present.  A mad, unthinkable,
  712%utterly impossible present!  A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!
  712%-- Monty Burns meets Dr. Seuss? ``Blood Feud''
  713%Burns: Hello, young fellow.  I haven't forgotten you.  Here.
  713%Bart:  Wow, a crowbar!
  713%Lisa:  It's to open the crate, stupid.
  713%-- Burns gives the Simpsons a gift, ``Blood Feud''
  714%Maggie: [holds up an `Aztec' flashcard]
  714%Lisa:   No, Maggie.  Not Aztec, Olmec.  [slowly]  Ol-mec.
  714%Maggie: [falls down]
  714%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''
  715%Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get?  Nothing!  Worse than nothing!
  715%       Just a big scary rock.
  715%Bart:  Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head.
  715%Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts.  The moral of the story is a
  715%       good deed is its own reward.
  715%Bart:  Hey, we <got> a reward.  The head is cool.
  715%Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
  715%Homer: Wait a minute.  If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've
  715%       gotten anything.
  715%Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
  715%Lisa:  Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
  715%Homer: Exactly!  Just a bunch of stuff that happened.
  715%Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
  715%Homer: Amen to that!
  715%       [laughter all around]
  715%-- We don't need no steenkin' morals, ``Blood Feud''
  716%Ned:   Come on over and strap on the feed bag.  We're going to fire up ol'
  716%       Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat!  Nummy-nummy-num!
  716%       [hands Homer an invitation]
  716%Homer: I'll be there!  [sotto voce]  Notty-notty-not.
  716%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
  717%The Flanders' are having a beef-a-thon.
  717%Incredible Ned-ibles.
  717%Maude-acious vittles.
  717%-- Lisa reads Ned's barbecue invitation, ``When Flanders Failed''
  718%Stupid Flanders.  Go ahead, Marge.  Have a ball.  What if they came back
  718%and I was dead from not eating.  They'd cry their eyes out.  [mock crying]
  718%``We should have never gone to the Flanders'.  Oh, why did we go to the
  718%Flanders' house and leave Homer alone with no food?''  And I'll be laughing,
  718%laughing from my grave, ha ha ha.
  718%-- Homer really knows how to show 'em, ``When Flanders Failed''
  719%Hmm, let's see...
  719%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT DECLARES WORLD PEACE]
  719%Naah...
  719%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON DECLARES WORLD PEACE]
  719%Mmm...
  719%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON WINS SUPER BOWL]
  719%Hey!
  719%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed''
  720%Come on, Homer.  I've got an ambition to do some wishin'!
  720%-- Ned Flanders, ``When Flanders Failed''
  721%[dreams of a penniless Ned]
  721%Ooh!
  721%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with
  721% a `Going out of business' sign]
  721%Heh heh heh heh.
  721%[dreams of a grave with the tombstone, ``RIP Ned Flanders']
  721%Eh, too far.
  721%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with
  721% a `Going out of business' sign]
  721%Mm!  Okay, ready.
  721%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed''
  722%Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
  722%Bart:  Six.  Seven if there's something good on.
  722%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
  723%Marge, TV gives so much and asks so little.  It's a boy's best friend.
  723%-- Homer explains, ``When Flanders Failed''
  724%Akira: Hello, I am Akira.  Ha!  [breaks a cinder block with his forehead]
  724%       That didn't hurt very much, because I know the ancient art of karate.
  724%       [lying on his back with a giant rock on his chest, as two men pound the
  724%        rock with sledgehammers]
  724%       Karate focuses the mind and gives you self-confidence.
  724%       People from all walks of life...
  724%       Doctors...
  724%Man:   Hai-ya! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead, in the process,
  724%       breaking his glasses, which he forgot to take off]
  724%Akira: Home makers...
  724%Woman: Hoi-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead]
  724%Akira: Landscape architects...
  724%Woman: Haiiiii-ya!  [breaks a cinder block with her forehead]
  724%Akira: Choreographers...
  724%Man:   Hoa!  [breaks a cinder block with his forehead]
  724%Akira: High karate, at low, low prices.
  724%George Washington:  I cannot tell a lie.  This is a great deal!
  724%       [smashes a wooden board with his head]
  724%       [TV caption:  Washington's Birthday Sale, $10 a lesson]
  724%-- TV advertisement, ``When Flanders Failed''
  725%Absotively posilutely!
  725%-- Ned Flanders' way of saying, `yes', ``When Flanders Failed''
  726%Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it.
  726%Bart:  Um, excuse me, sir.  I already know how not to hit a guy.
  726%       Can we break out the nunchucks?
  726%Akira: Ah yes, the impetuousness of youth.  For now, let us read...
  726%Bart:  Akira, my good man, when do we break block of ice with our heads?
  726%Akira: First, you must fill you head with wisdom, then you can hit ice with it.
  726%Bart:  Yo, sensei.  Can I go to the bathroom?
  726%Akira: You can if you believe you can.
  726%Bart:  [leaving]  Pay money to read books, pffft.  The hell with this!
  726%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed''
  727%Lisa:  Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
  727%Homer: No, I do not know what shaden-frawde is.
  727%       [sarcasm]  Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
  727%Lisa:  It's a German term for `shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering
  727%       of others.
  727%Homer: Oh, come on Lisa.  I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
  727%       [getting mad]
  727%       He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones,
  727%       and it makes me feel...  What's the opposite of that shameful joy
  727%       thing of yours?
  727%Lisa:  [nastily]  Sour grapes.
  727%Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!
  727%-- Selbstverstaendlich!  ``When Flanders Failed''
  728%Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
  728%-- Marge, ``When Flanders Failed''
  729%Homer: Hey, boy!  How was class?
  729%Bart:  Today, we learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him
  729%       before he dies!
  729%Homer: Ooh.  That'll learn him.
  729%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed''
  730%Ned: I think word of mouth is starting to spread.
  730%Man: Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.
  730%Ned: Oh, right as rain!  Or, as we say around here, `left as rain', heh heh.
  730%Man: Just stamp the ticket.
  730%Ned: Oh, okay.
  730%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
  731%Burns: And what's your name?
  731%Homer: Homer Simpson, sir.
  731%Burns: Simpson, eh?  I'm Monty Burns.
  731%-- Pleased to meet you, again, ``When Flanders Failed''
  732%Burns:    [reads an entry in the suggestion box]
  732%          `Keep that handsome owner out of sight,
  732%          he's distracting the female employees'.
  732%          Oh, Smithers...
  732%Smithers: You got me, sir.
  732%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
  733%Burns:  Damned infernal gizmo.  My kingdom for a left-handed can opener!
  733%Homer:  Um, Mr. Burns? ... [dreams of Ned's Leftorium store]
  733%Ned:    [in Homer's dream]  Come on, Homer, tell him about the store!
  733%        I'm dying out here!
  733%Homer:  Sorry, Flanders.  [leaves]
  733%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
  734%Ned:   See anything you like?  [at Ned's lawn sale]
  734%Homer: Oh, I get it!  It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough
  734%       for me!  Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this...  Hello!
  734%-- Homer espies Ned's gas grill, ``When Flanders Failed''
  735%Homer: Hey, Bartly-boobly, care for a steak-a-rooney?
  735%Bart:  Sounds crumptly-uptious, dear old duddly-doodly!
  735%Homer: Heh heh, duddly-doodly.
  735%-- Talking like Ned Flanderoosky, ``When Flanders Failed''
  736%I'm sure <you> did nothing to discourage this, you scavenger of human misery.
  736%-- Lisa, ``When Flanders Failed''
  737%Chuck: Good afternoon, sir.  I'm Chuck Ellis, from the Springfield Collection
  737%       Agency, and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay
  737%       your bills.
  737%Homer: Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many!
  737%Chuck: Does it make you feel good about yourself to owe people money?
  737%       We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders.
  737%Homer: I know, but... Wait a minute, I'm Homer Simpson.  Ned Flanders lives
  737%       over there.  Flanders is in debt?  Are you sure?
  737%Chuck: Ha.  We don't make mistakes.
  737%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
  738%Ned:   At times like these, I used to turn to the Bible and find solace,
  738%       but even the Good Book can't help me now.
  738%Homer: Why not?
  738%Ned:   I sold it to you for seven cents.
  738%Homer: Oh.
  738%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
  739%Homer: Listen, Flanders, you still have that store?
  739%Ned:   For two more days. [sniff]  It becomes Libertarian Party headquarters.
  739%       I hope they have better luck than I did.
  739%-- Fat chance, ``When Flanders Failed''
  740%`Kiss me, I'm left-handed''?  [laughs]  Oh, that's a classic!  [laughs]
  740%Whoa! [falls off the table]
  740%-- Barney, bastion of balance, ``When Flanders Failed''
  741%It's all here, and it's all backwards!
  741%-- Homer hypes Ned's Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed''
  742%Burns:  [talking to a tin can]
  742%        Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend?
  742%        Look at you, you were once so proud.  Feel the wrath of
  742%        the left hand of Burns!
  742%Moe:    My life begins today!
  742%Barney: [wearing a `Kiss me, I'm left-handed' shirt]  Wow, what an icebreaker!
  742%        [two pretty girls kiss him]
  742%Chuck:  Left-handed ledgers!  Now I can write all the way to the edge!
  742%Akira:  Ha ha ha.  Left-handed nunchucks!
  742%-- Shopping at the Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed''
  743%Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends.
  743%-- Ned, ``When Flanders Failed''
  744%Hey, we're like the Waltons.  We're praying for the end of the Depression, too.
  744%-- Bart reacts to President Bush's 1992 State of the Union Address
  745%Lisa: [wakes up Bart]
  745%Bart: Lisa!  It's 6am!  Something's wrong.  Dad died!
  745%Lisa: No no, he's fine!
  745%Bart: Well, whaddya know, I'm relieved.
  745%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  746%Lisa: Bart, in two days, I'm going to be eight years old.
  746%      It's a big number, almost double digits.
  746%Bart: Well, enjoy it while you can.  Everything changes when you hit the
  746%      big one-oh.  Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good
  746%      any more...
  746%Lisa: Bart, will you please let me pour my little heart out?
  746%Bart: Sorry, this old-timer does ramble on sometimes, don't he.
  746%-- Pre-life crisis?  ``Stark Raving Dad''
  747%Hi, kids!  You've reached the Krusty Hot-Line!
  747%If you haven't asked your parent's permission, naughty-naughty!
  747%But Krusty forgives you.
  747%($2 for the first minute, 50 cents for each additional minute.)
  747%[laughs and laughs and laughs]
  747%Thanks for calling, kids!  A new message every day!
  747%-- 1-909-O-U-KLOWN, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  748%Marge: Bart, I asked you to watch your sister [Maggie].
  748%Bart:  I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me!
  748%-- A likely story, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  749%Aagh!  Pink?
  749%Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work.
  749%Everybody wears white shirts.  I'm not popular enough to be different...
  749%-- Homer finds all his shirts are pinko, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  750%Burns:    Why is that man in pink!
  750%Smithers: Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir.
  750%          He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.
  750%Burns:    Simpson, eh?
  750%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  751%Burns:    Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of
  751%          free-thinking anarchist.
  751%Smithers: I'll call security, sir.
  751%Burns:    Excellent.  Yes, these color monitors have already
  751%          paid for themselves...
  751%-- Homer wears a pink shirt to work, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  752%Burns:  Doctor, what should we do about our freewheeling fop over here?
  752%Monroe: Well, Monty, it used to be that establishing a patient's sanity
  752%        took months.  That's all changed, thanks to the Marvin Monroe
  752%        take-home personality test.  Twenty simple questions that will
  752%        determine exactly how crazy or [makes quotation sign with fingers]
  752%        `meshuggeneh' someone is.  [hands it to Homer]
  752%Homer:  [reading]  Print name?   [moans]  Oh...
  752%-- In triplicate, please... ``Stark Raving Dad''
  753%Homer: Lisa, you like homework.  Could you fill out this form for me?
  753%Lisa:  Well, all right.  If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.
  753%Homer: D'oh!!  Oh, okay.
  753%Lisa:  Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson.
  753%       [reads]
  753%       I had a cat named Snowball --
  753%       She died!  She died!
  753%       Mom said she was sleeping --
  753%       She lied!  She lied!
  753%       Why oh why is my cat dead?
  753%       Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?
  753%       [next verse]
  753%       I had a hamster named Snuffy --
  753%       He died...
  753%Homer: [takes his form]  No deal.
  753%-- Death and Transfiguration, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  754%Bart:  Dad, maybe you should do this.
  754%Homer: Son, it's no different than the time I let you vote for me.
  754%       Remember that absentee ballot?
  754%-- On filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  755%Announcer:  Our $50,000 home video finalists are...
  755%       Man Breaking Hip. [sound of bowling pins, followed by a scream]
  755%Homer: [chuckles]
  755%Announcer:  [chuckles]
  755%       Dog On Fire.
  755%       [doing a doggy voice]
  755%       Ruff, anybody order a hot dog?
  755%Homer: [laughs uproariously]  Oh, look at him!
  755%Announcer: And finally, Baby With a Nail Gun. [kachunk]
  755%Homer: Aww....
  755%Announcer: Cast your votes now!
  755%Homer: Dog On Fire!  Dog On Fire!
  755%-- America's Stupidest Home Videos, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  756%Bart:  Hey, Dad, do you hear voices?
  756%Homer: [angrily] Yes, I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV...
  756%Bart:  [checks] Yes.  Are you quick to anger?
  756%Homer: Bart!  Shut up or I'll shut you up!
  756%Bart:  [checks] Yes.  Do you wet your pants?  Well, even the best of us
  756%       has an occasional accident.
  756%       [checks the remainder of the form `Yes' all the way down]
  756%-- Filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  757%Careful, men.  He wets his pants.
  757%-- Smithers' instructions to security, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  758%Doctor: [shows Homer an inkblot]
  758%Homer:  Eh, the devil with his fly open.
  758%Doctor: Right.  [shows another]
  758%Homer:  Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it.  Uh, they're
  758%        going to eat it.
  758%Doctor: Good.  [shows another, which looks like Bart]
  758%Homer:  THE BOY!!!!!!  [restrained by two orderlies]
  758%-- I'm perfectly normal, really... ``Stark Raving Dad''
  759%Homer:  This isn't fair!  How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
  759%Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method.
  759%        [stamps his hand, `INSANE']
  759%        Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.
  759%-- Does that mean he can come back for free?  ``Stark Raving Dad''
  760%Homer: Who are you?
  760%Man:   Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons.
  760%Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons...
  760%-- Homer meets his cell-mate at the asylum, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  760%   [A little meta-humor for your enjoyment.]
  761%Man:   I can't believe you never heard of me.  I'm a very popular entertainer.
  761%Homer: Oh, of <course> I've heard of you!  I mean, you'd have to be living
  761%       under a rock not to know... What'd you say your name was?
  761%Man:   Michael Jackson.
  761%Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.
  761%-- I own a mansion and a yacht... ``Stark Raving Dad''
  762%Man:   Well, have you heard of MTV?
  762%Homer: No.
  762%Man:   Motown.
  762%Homer: No.
  762%Man:   Beat It.
  762%Homer: <You> beat it!
  762%Man:   Thriller.
  762%Homer: What was that last one?
  762%Man:   Thriller.
  762%Homer: Nope.
  762%Man:   Well, how about this...
  762%       [sings Billy Jean, complete with wild gyrations, crotch grab,
  762%       and moonwalk]
  762%Homer: Wow!  How do you do that thing with your feet?
  762%Man:   The moonwalk?
  762%Homer: No, that thing with your feet!
  762%Man:   Here, look.  Just raise your heel a bit, put a little pressure on
  762%       the ball of your foot.  [demonstrates]
  762%Homer: [tries to imitate, but ends up going forwards]  D'oh!
  762%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  763%Man:   You seem like a nice guy.  Why'd they put you in here?
  763%Homer: 'Cause I wore a pink shirt.
  763%Man:   I understand.  People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed...
  763%Homer: What'd you wear?
  763%Man:   One white glove, covered with rhinestones.
  763%Homer: [crosses his eyes and does that `bebebebebebe' thing with his lips]
  763%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  764%Lisa: Bart, in the split second before he died,
  764%      I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present.
  764%      Do you see how this relates to us?
  764%Bart: Hey, you want that once-a-year empty gesture?  You got it, Sis.
  764%- Lisa fishes for a birthday gift, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  765%Man:   Homer, this is Floyd.  He's an idiot savant.  Give him any two
  765%       numbers, and he can multiply them in his head, just like that.
  765%Homer: Okay.  Five times nine.
  765%Floyd: Forty-five.
  765%Homer: Wow!
  765%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  766%Homer: I gotta call my family.  Oh, this is so embarrassing, calling them
  766%       from a nuthouse.  I mean, they think I'm a god!
  766%Man:   I could call them for you.
  766%Homer: Oh great.  And uh, try to put a good face on it.
  766%       Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.
  766%-- HS, Phone Home... ``Stark Raving Dad''
  767%Joe's Crematorium.  You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
  767%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  768%Man:  Hello?  Who's this?
  768%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson.  Who the hell are you?
  768%Man:  I'm Michael Jackson.
  768%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  769%Man:  I'm Michael Jackson.
  769%Bart: <The> Michael Jackson?  [makes scoffing sound]  No way!
  769%Man:  It's true.  I'm with your father in a mental institution.
  769%Bart: Uh huh.  And is Elvis with you?
  769%Man:  Could be.  It's a big hospital.
  769%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  770%Man:   Your father really needs your help.  You don't want him to get a
  770%       lobotomy, do you?
  770%Bart:  Hm...  lobotomy...
  770%       [begin dream]
  770%       [Bart is playing in the house and breaks a lamp]
  770%Homer: [stitches on forehead still visible, wearing his pink shirt]
  770%       [zombie-like]  That's all right, son...
  770%       [end dream]
  770%Bart:  Well, there's probably a down side I don't see.
  770%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  771%[Bart jots down a message]
  771%Uh huh.  New Bedlam Asylum.  Loves us.  Needs us.  Fears he may never see
  771%us again.  Got it.  [hangs up]
  771%Michael Jackson, woo hoo!  I love you, man!
  771%-- A difference of priorities, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  772%Bart:  Hey, Mom!  Dad's in a mental institution!
  772%Marge: Oh, my God... Mother was right!
  772%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  773%Man:     Don't you worry.  Your family's going to be here before you know it.
  773%Patient: Forget it, pal.
  773%         There's only one way out of here, and it ain't pretty.
  773%Homer:   What's that?
  773%Patient: Dating a nurse.
  773%Homer:   [whining] Oh!
  773%-- Escape from New Bedlam, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  774%Marge: I told you kids you were going to send your father to the crazy house!
  774%Bart:  No, Mom, you said poor house.
  774%Marge: I said crazy house.
  774%Bart:  Poor house.
  774%Marge: Crazy house.
  774%Bart:  Poor house.
  774%Marge: Crazy house!
  774%-- Den of iniquity?  ``Stark Raving Dad''
  775%Hello, you have reached the New Bedlam ``Wrongly Committed'' Hot-line.
  775%All of our operators are currently busy.  Please stand by.
  775%[Muzak is `Crazy', Patsy Cline's biggest hit (written by Willie Nelson).]
  775%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  776%Homer: [talking in his sleep] pancakes... football... boobies...
  776%       pork rinds... waffles...
  776%Man:   [to his stuffed animal]  Bubbles, it's going to be a long night.
  776%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  777%Dave:  So I was working in an insurance company, right?  Youngest VP
  777%       in the history of the firm, okay?  The job was my life.
  777%       Then one Monday morning, I got up.  I got up, I couldn't leave
  777%       the house.  I just couldn't.
  777%Homer: Was the door locked?
  777%Dave:  No, I just couldn't face what was out there.
  777%Homer: Was it raining?
  777%Nurse: No, Homer, Dave suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open areas and
  777%       crowds.  Please, Dave, go on.
  777%Dave:  Thank you.  Anyway, that day I just knew I just couldn't make that
  777%       long drive to work.
  777%Homer: Were you out of gas?
  777%Nurse: [glares at Homer]
  777%Homer: Pffft.  Baby...
  777%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  778%Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution
  778%        complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.
  778%Marge:  Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning
  778%        our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
  778%Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?!  Good Lord!
  778%-- Springing Homer from the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
  778%   ``Stark Raving Dad''
  779%Doctor: Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, we believe you're no
  779%        threat to yourself or others.
  779%Homer:  That's the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me.
  779%        Can I have it in writing, please?
  779%Doctor: Of course.  [hands Homer a certificate:
  779%            This certifies
  779%            HOMER SIMPSON
  779%            not insane.]
  779%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  780%Homer: If you ever find your marbles, come visit us.
  780%Man:   Well, how about today?  I'm only here voluntarily.
  780%Homer: You are!?  Why?
  780%Man:   Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my `Off the Wall'
  780%       album just got one lousy Grammy nomination.
  780%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  781%Joe's Taxidermy.  You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
  781%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  782%Homer: [on the phone with Bart]
  782%       I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days.
  782%       [aside]  Isn't that cute, he's heard of you.
  782%       [to phone]  Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some
  782%       beer on ice...
  782%Man:   Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.
  782%Homer: Are you <sure> you're here voluntarily?
  782%-- Checking out of the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
  782%   ``Stark Raving Dad''
  783%Bart:  [on the phone]
  783%       Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul.
  783%       ...
  783%       No, not even Millhouse. [hangs up]
  783%       [intense, but brief, mental struggle]
  783%       [dials phone]
  783%       Hello, Millhouse?  Can you keep a secret?
  783%Millhouse:  No.
  783%Bart:  Oh, well, who cares.
  783%-- I've got a secret, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  784%This is the uh most exciting thing to happen to our uh fair town
  784%since the Dalai Lama visited in 1952.  And so, I hereby declare that
  784%Route 401, currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway, will be
  784%henceforth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway.
  784%-- Mayor `Diamond' Joe Quimby, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  785%Lisa: Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood, and before I join
  785%      them, I have one question.  Today is my birthday.  You promised
  785%      to get me something and... and... I'm afraid to ask...
  785%Bart: You know, maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask.
  785%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  786%Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me <for my birthday>
  786%to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only.  Perhaps
  786%if a professional so advises, I will give you a hug at some far-distant
  786%family reunion.  But rest assured, it will be purely for show. [sobs]
  786%-- Lisa writes a letter to Bart, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  787%Bart: I can't write a song, I'm only ten.
  787%Man:  Only ten?  When I was your age, I had six gold records!
  787%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  788%Bart: Looney Toons, this is what Michael Jackson looks like.
  788%      [shows an album]
  788%      You're nothing but a big fat mental patient.
  788%Man:  You'd be amazed how often I hear that.
  788%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  789%[to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March]
  789%Lisa, her teeth are big and green.
  789%Lisa, she smells like gasoline.
  789%Lisa, da da da Disa.
  789%She is my sister, her birthday, I missed-a.
  789%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  790%Man:  Oh, she looks sad.
  790%Bart: That's 'cause she knows you're looking at her.
  790%Lisa: [turns]  Although I'm aware you're looking at me, I would look
  790%      exactly the same even if you weren't.
  790%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  791%Man:  Bart, think.  What happens to you when you turn eight?
  791%Bart: Well, your training wheels come off your bike...
  791%Man:  Good.  That's good.  [plays and sings]
  791%      Your training wheels come off your bike,
  791%      You start to notice boy you like.  Hee hee hee!
  791%Bart: You're just putting that in because it's commercial.
  791%Man:  [chuckles]
  791%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad''
  792%Man:   [in his normal voice]  Well, my work is done here.
  792%Bart:  Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice?
  792%Man:   This is my real voice.  My name is Leon Kompowski, and I'm a bricklayer
  792%       from Paterson, New Jersey.  All my life, I was very angry.  Until one
  792%       day, I just [Michael Jackson voice] talked like this.
  792%       [in his normal voice]  All of a sudden, everyone was smiling at me,
  792%       and I was only doing good on this earth.  So I kept on doing it.
  792%       To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
  792%Homer: Not me, I've got this!  [shows his certificate]
  792%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  793%Marge: Bye-bye, Leon.
  793%Lisa:  You're a credit to dementia!
  793%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
  794%Bad news, drivers.  There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate.
  794%Oh, it's a mess.  There's lots of rubber-necking and melon wrestling
  794%going on, folks...
  794%-- Bill Pie ``in the Sky'', KBBL traffic report, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  795%This is KBBL talk radio, K-Babble.  All talk, 24 hours a day.
  795%If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening
  795%audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin
  795%Monroe.  The number is 555-PAIN.
  795%[Marge drums her fingers and casts nervous glances at the phone]
  795%Don't be afraid, call now!
  795%[Marge dashes for the phone]
  795%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  796%Dr.MM: Next we have Marge.  She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of
  796%       a marriage.
  796%Homer: Hey, turn it up!  I love hearing those wackos!
  796%-- The SNPP workers listen to a radio call-in show, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  797%Dr.MM: [radio talk show therapist]  Tell me about your husband, Marge.
  797%Marge: [on the phone] When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more
  797%       romantic! ...  [beginning to sob]  And forty pounds thinner,
  797%       and he had hair... [burbling barely coherently]  And he ate
  797%       with utensils!  [breaks down crying]
  797%-- Marge calls KBBL, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  798%Dr.MM: Your husband sees you as nothing.
  798%Marge: [pause]  Oh, okay.  Well, thank you.  [about to hang up]
  798%Dr.MM: No no no, don't hang up!
  798%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  799%Dr.MM: The pig has made you into his mother.
  799%       You are not the hot love object you deserve to be!
  799%Marge: Really?
  799%Dr.MM: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying.
  799%       Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got
  799%       to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving you,
  799%       you will be leaving.
  799%Marge: Leave Homer!?
  799%Dr.MM: Please!  Don't use his real name!
  799%Marge: Leave Pedro!?
  799%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  800%Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
  800%Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor.
  800%Moe:  Moe's Tavern.
  800%Bart: Hello, is Al there?
  800%Moe:  Al?
  800%Bart: Yeah, Al.  Last name:  Coholic.
  800%Moe:  Lemme check...  [calls]  Phone call for Al.  Al Coholic.
  800%      Is there an Al Coholic here?
  800%      [bar denizens laugh]
  800%      Wait a minute...
  800%      [to phone]
  800%      Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out
  800%      who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
  800%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  801%Homer:  Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
  801%Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am!   [huge belch]
  801%-- From someone who should know, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  802%Moe: Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the
  802%     town.  Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.
  802%-- Gee, I didn't mean to put you to so much trouble, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  803%Homer:   [unsure of himself]  Uh, I'd like some flowers.
  803%Florist: What kind of flowers?
  803%Homer:   Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead.
  803%Florist: Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses.  They're $55
  803%         a dozen.
  803%Homer:   [thinks]  One, please.
  803%-- Think small, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  804%Bart: [dialing the phone] A little pre-dinner entertainment.
  804%Moe:  [answering the phone]  Moe's Tavern.
  804%Bart: Is Oliver there?
  804%Moe:  Who?
  804%Bart: Oliver Clothesoff.
  804%Moe:  Hold on, I'll check.  [calls]  Oliver Clothesoff!  Call for Oliver
  804%      Clothesoff!
  804%Bart+Lisa: [laugh]
  804%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  805%Homer: And, I made reservations at Chez [pron. /chez/] Paree!
  805%Marge: Oh, but Homer, that's expensive!
  805%Homer: It matters not, mon frere!
  805%-- A night on the town with the boys?  ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  806%Clerk: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service!
  806%Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sam-son.
  806%Clerk: Did your wife just call a second ago?
  806%Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
  806%-- Just checking, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  807%Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a
  807%quite misunderstood and underrated family.
  807%-- Homer pretends to be Mr. Samson, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  808%Aye-aye, Mambo-Man!
  808%-- Bart, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  809%[moaning] Oh!  The Elves!  The Elves!
  809%-- Quasi-Bart-o, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  810%Bart: [watching a Happy Little Elves tape] Oh, man, I can't take it any more!
  810%Lisa: But I want to see what happens.
  810%Bart: You <know> what happens.  They find Captain Quick's treasure.
  810%      All the elves dance around like little green idiots.  I puke.  The End.
  810%Lisa: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
  810%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  811%The Cue-ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous.
  811%If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.
  811%-- ``Some Enchanged Evening''
  812%The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living
  812%room, while the bandit roamed the house at will,
  812%[TV pans over an empty house]
  812%stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for!
  812%-- Watching `America's Most Armed and Dangerous', ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  813%Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
  813%-- Bart to The Babysitter Bandit, after a failed capture attempt,
  813%   ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  814%Bart: We know who you are, Ms. Botz.  Or should I say, Ms. Botzcowski.
  814%      You're the Babysitter Bandit.
  814%Ms.B: You're a smart young man, Bart.  I hope you're smart enough to keep
  814%      your mouth shut.
  814%Lisa: He isn't.
  814%-- A little knowledge, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  815%Operator: Hello, vigilant viewer.  How may we help you?
  815%Lisa: We caught her!  We caught the Babysitter Bandit!  She's tied up
  815%      at our house right now!
  815%Bart: Ask if there's a reward.
  815%Lisa: Is there a reward? ... [to Bart] If she's convicted, we get T-shirts.
  815%Bart: Yeah!
  815%-- Calling America's Most Armed and Dangerous, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  816%Ms.Botz: Mr. Samson, can I give you a bit of advice?
  816%Homer:   Sure.
  816%Ms.Botz: Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.
  816%-- Words of warning from the Babysitter Bandit, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  817%Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
  817%Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that.  The way I see it, you raised three
  817%       children who could knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger,
  817%       you must be doing <something> right.
  817%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
  818%Lisa:  `Id', triple-word score!
  818%Homer: No abbreviations.
  818%Lisa;  Not I.D., Dad, `id'.  It's a word!
  818%Bart:  As in ``This game is stoop-id''.
  818%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius''
  819%Bart:  Here we go.  Kwyjibo.   [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.
  819%       Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points
  819%       for using all my letters.  Game's over.  I'm outta here. [gets up]
  819%Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right]
  819%       Wait a minute, you little cheater!
  819%       You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
  819%Bart:  Kwyjibo.  Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape.  With no chin.
  819%Marge: And a short temper.
  819%Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart]
  819%Bart:  [making his escape]  Uh oh.  Kwyjibo on the loose!
  819%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius''
  820%Pr.Sk:  Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
  820%Martin: And a sloppy speller, too.
  820%        The preferred spelling of `wiener' is W-I-E-N-E-R,
  820%        althoug E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.
  820%Pr.Sk:  Good point.
  820%-- Either way, he's still a weiner.  ``Bart the Genius''
  821%Now I don't want you to worry, class.  These test will have no effect on your
  821%grade.  They merely determine your future social status and financial success.
  821%[looks at Bart]  If any.
  821%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
  822%Remember to visualize the complex problem.
  822%And relaaaaax.  The test will start... [looks around calmly]  [yells] Now!
  822%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
  823%Bart: [reading a test question]
  823%      The 7:30am express train travelling at 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe
  823%      bound for Phoenix, [chews on his pencil] 520 miles away.
  823%Ms.K: Shhh!  [points to her head]  Visualize it, Bart!
  823%Bart: [visualizing in black-and-white]  At the same time, the local train
  823%      travelling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix
  823%      bound for Santa Fe.  It is eight cars long and always carries the
  823%      same number of passengers in each car.  [Bart counts five passengers on
  823%      the train car (the number hovering over each passenger's head)
  823%      and visualizes 40 / 8 = 5.  The train travels through a numerical
  823%      landscape.]
  823%      An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of
  823%      minutes past the hour get off, and three times as many plus six
  823%      get on.  [Bart and his equation are trampled by the passengers.]
  823%      At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice
  823%      as many get on as got on at the first stop.  [Trampled again.
  823%      Bart spits out a number.]
  823%Train conductor:  Ticket, please.
  823%Bart: I don't have a ticket!
  823%Train conductor:  Come with me, boy.
  823%      [drags Bart off.  Numbers circle Bart's head]
  823%      We've got a stowaway, sir.
  823%Bart: I'll pay!  How much?
  823%      [the train engineer is... Martin!  Shoveling numbers into the engine.]
  823%Martin: Twice the fare from Tuscon to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare
  823%      Albuquerque to El Paso!  Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!
  823%-- Math is Hell, ``Bart the Genius''
  824%What are you looking at, Bart!  Are those naughty dogs back again?
  824%-- Ms. Krabappel catches Bart staring out the window, ``Bart the Genius''
  825%Pr.Sk: I caught your son defacing school property this morning.
  825%       We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly
  825%       unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
  825%Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?
  825%Marge: [whispers to Homer]
  825%Homer: Oh no.  He can't mean that.  [to Principal Skinner]
  825%       My wife thinks you want <me> to pay for it.
  825%Pr.Sk: That <was> the idea.
  825%Homer: Oh.
  825%-- ``Bart the Genius''
  826%What do <we> need a psychiatrist for?  We know our kid is nuts.
  826%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
  827%Dr.J:  The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but
  827%       as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt.
  827%       [hands Homer a slip of paper]
  827%Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!!?!?
  827%Dr.J:  Uh, no.  You have it upside-down.  It's two hundred and sixteen.
  827%Homer: [disappointed] Oh.
  827%-- ``Bart the Genius''
  828%Dr.J: [measuring Bart's head with calipers]
  828%      Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?
  828%Bart: Oh, you bet.
  828%Dr.J: Mm hm.  Do you ever feel a little frustrated?
  828%Bart: All the time, sir.
  828%Dr.J: Uh huh.  And do you ever dream of leaving class to pursue your own
  828%      intellectual development on an independent basis?
  828%Bart: Oh, like you're reading my mind, man.
  828%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Genius''
  829%Pr.Sk: I think we should re-test him.
  829%Dr.J:  No, I think we should move him to another school.
  829%Pr.Sk: Even better!
  829%-- ``Bart the Genius''
  830%Homer: My son, a genius!?  How does it happen?
  830%Dr.J:  Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity
  830%       and environment.
  830%Homer: [stares blankly]
  830%Dr.J:  Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.
  830%-- ``Bart the Genius''
  831%Marge: It's a big day for you.  Why don't you eat something a little more
  831%       nutritious.
  831%Homer: Nonsense, Marge.  Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he
  831%       is today!  [looks at the box]  It must be one of these chemicals
  831%       here that makes him so smart...  Lisa?
  831%Lisa:  [looks up from her granola]
  831%Homer: Maybe you should try some of this.
  831%Marge: Homer!
  831%Homer: I'm just saying, why not have <two> geniuses in the family?
  831%       Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.
  831%-- First day of genius school, ``Bart the Genius''
  832%Bart:  Oh no, ties!
  832%Homer: Don't worry, son, you can have mine.
  832%       Here, let me show you how to put on a tie.
  832%       [takes off his clip-on]
  832%       The hook goes over the top, and these things go in there.
  832%-- ``Bart the Genius''
  833%Now go on, boy, and pay attention.  Because if you do, someday, you may
  833%achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations:
  833%You may outsmart someone!
  833%-- Homer drops Bart off at the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children,
  833%   ``Bart the Genius''
  834%Ms.M: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
  834%Bart: [looks around nervously; all stare at him]
  834%      Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
  834%-- ``Bart the Genius''
  835%Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm...
  835%       mmm... What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
  835%Bart+Homer: [stare blankly and hum ``I dunno'']
  835%Lisa:  [brightly] Nurturing.
  835%Marge: ... nurturing your brilliant brain.
  835%-- ``Bart the Genius''
  836%Marge: I got tickets to the opera tonight.  Hurry up, get dressed,
  836%       it starts at eight.
  836%Bart:  [whining] Oh, Mom, not tonight...
  836%Homer: Come on, Bart.  Your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead
  836%       and enjoy the show.
  836%Marge: Homer, you're going, too.
  836%Homer: But I'm not a genius!  Why should <I> suffer!?
  836%-- ``Bart the Genius''
  837%Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor.
  837%Please use the cuspador.
  837%That's what it's for.
  837%-- Bart at the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
  838%Marge: Bart, stop fooling around!
  838%       Homer, stop encouraging him.
  838%Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge.  We're <supposed> to encourage him.
  838%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
  839%Homer: Who's the lard-butt?
  839%Lisa:  He's the bullfighter.
  839%Bart:  No way the bull's going to miss a target that big!
  839%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
  840%Ms.M: So y = r^3/3.  And if you determine the rate of change in this
  840%      curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
  840%Class: [chuckles]
  840%Ms.M: Don't you get it, Bart?  Derivative dy = 3 r^2 / 3, or r^2 dr,
  840%      or r dr r.  Har-de-har-har, get it?
  840%Bart: [not amused]  Oh, yeah.  [forced laugh]
  840%-- Making math fun, ``Bart the Genius''
  841%It doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.
  841%-- Dr. J. Loren Pryor, ``Bart the Genius''
  842%I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors
  842%before he invented the light bulb.
  842%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
  843%Ms.K: [blows whistle]  Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a
  843%      repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison.  So
  843%      I want you all to be on your best behavior.  Especially you,
  843%      Bart Simpson.
  843%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door!
  843%-- It was like that when I got there!  ``Homer's Odyssey''
  844%Oooh, sorry little dudes.  Party hearty equals tardy.
  844%-- Otto, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  845%Bart: Hey Otto!  Hey Otto-man!
  845%Otto: Hey Bart-dude!
  845%Bart: Any new tattoos, Otto?
  845%Otto: Ho!  Funny you should ask, man.  This morning I woke up
  845%      with this one.  [lifts his sleeve]
  845%Bart: Cooool!  I want one!
  845%Otto: Not till your fourteen, my little friend.
  845%Bart: [forlorn look]
  845%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  846%Please try not to shake the seat like that.
  846%-- Wendell rides on the school bus, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  847%Ms.K: Now class, remember, do not stick any part of your body out the
  847%      window.  We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck
  847%      his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck
  847%      coming in the other direction.
  847%Bart: [arm tucked inside his shirt]  And I was that fool!
  847%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  848%Lewis: Look, there's our school again!
  848%Ms. K: Otto, are you sure you...
  848%Otto:  It's a shortcut Mrs. K, trust me!
  848%-- Field trip, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  849%Bart:   Mrs. Krabappel, Mrs. Krabappel!
  849%Mrs K:  Bart!  Not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the
  849%        humiliation of making you sing in front of the class.
  849%Bart:   Can I pick the song?
  849%Mrs K:  No!  The song will be `John Henry Was a Steel Driving Man'.
  849%Bart:   [moans] Oh no.  [zips his mouth shut]
  849%Sherry: We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson.
  849%Terry:  Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.
  849%        [they consult privately, giggle, then both lean over the
  849%        bus seat and kiss Bart]
  849%Bart:   Waaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
  849%Ms.K:   That's it Bart!  Oh, why can't you be more like...  uh... uh... uh...
  849%S+T:    [raising their hands] Us, Mrs. Krabappel?
  849%Otto:   Yeah... Sherry and Terry, they know how to behave.
  849%S+T:    [halos appear over their heads as they sit angelically on the bus]
  849%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  850%Bart: Da-da, da da-da, DA, Whoa!
  850%      They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard. [ungh]
  850%      And buried him in the sand.  (oh yeah)
  850%      And every locomotive that came rollin' by
  850%Ms.K: Bart!
  850%Bart:                                           said
  850%      There lies a steel-driving man,
  850%Ms.K: Bart!
  850%Bart:                                 (lord lord, ooh)
  850%      There lies a steel...
  850%Ms.K: Okay, Bart, that's enough!
  850%-- Bart sings as punishment, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  851%Narrator:  When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this...
  851%A-Bomb:    BOOM!  [the kids cheer wildly]
  851%-- Nuclear Energy, our misunderstood friend, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  852%Uh-oh.  Looks like there's a little left-over nuclear waste.
  852%[pulls out a hand broom]  No problem!
  852%I'll just put them where nobody will find them for a million years!
  852%[sweeps the wasties under a throw rug and stomps them down]
  852%-- Smilin' Joe Fission, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  853%Sherry: Hey Bart!  Our dad says your dad is incompetent.
  853%Bart:   What does incompetent mean?
  853%Terry:  It means he spends more time yacking and scarfing down donuts than
  853%        doing his job.
  853%Bart:   Oh, okay.  I though you where putting me down.
  853%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  854%Ya know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and
  854%ones baked today!
  854%-- Homer enjoys some donuts, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  855%Supervisor:  All right, who's responsible for this?
  855%             [everyone points at Homer]
  855%Homer:       [meekly raises his hand]
  855%Supervisor:  I might have known it was you, Simpson.
  855%Homer:       But sir, I...
  855%Supervisor:  I don't want to hear about it Simpson, your fired!
  855%             [looks up to catwalk]
  855%             Oh, hi, girls!
  855%Sherry+Terry: [waving]  Hi, Daddy!
  855%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  856%Lisa:  Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
  856%Homer: Those perfectionists, forget it.
  856%Lisa:  How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump.
  856%Homer: I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
  856%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  857%There there, Homer.  You'll find a job.  You've caused plenty of
  857%industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back.
  857%-- Marge, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  858%I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.
  858%-- Homer bemoans his lost job, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  859%Bart:  Is Mister Freely there?
  859%Moe:   Who?
  859%Bart:  Freely, first initials I. P.
  859%Moe:   Hold on, I'll check.  Uh, is I. P. Freely here?
  859%       Hey everybody, I. P. Freely!
  859%       [the customers laugh]
  859%       Wait a minute...  Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a
  859%       hold of you, your dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.
  859%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  860%Marge:  Are you all right, Homer?
  860%Homer:  I'm fine, I'm just thinking.
  860%Marge:  I've been thinking, too.  You know Homer, you've always been such a
  860%        good provider... but when we got married, even Mr. Burger promised I
  860%        could come back to my old job any time I wanted.
  860%Homer:  You think you can still do that line of work?
  860%Marge:  Sure, you never forget.  It's just like riding a bicycle.
  860%        [at a drive-in restaurant]
  860%Otto:   Hey Momma, where's my fries already!
  860%        [Marge skates in, somewhat annoyed]
  860%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  861%Lisa:   Dad!  Eat something!  [holds up a sandwich] It's got mustard on it.
  861%        [Homer's eye view of the ceiling]
  861%        [Bart leans in and waves his hand.  Lisa also leans in.]
  861%Bart:   All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
  861%Lisa:   I don't know what else to do.
  861%Maggie: [pokes Homer in the eye.  The picture fuzzes.]
  861%Bart:   There's only one thing we can do... take advantage of the old
  861%        guy.  You've gotta sign my report card, Dad.
  861%        [Bart takes Homer's hand and scrawls his name]
  861%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  862%TV Announcer:  Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be
  862%        back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this.
  862%Duff Beer commercial:  Unemployed?  Out of work?  Sober?  You sat
  862%        around the house all day, but now it's Duff time!  Duff, the beer
  862%        that makes the days fly by!
  862%Homer:  Beer.  Now there's a temporary solution.
  862%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  863%Beer.  Now there's a temporary solution.
  863%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  864%[smashes open Bart's piggy bank with a hammer]
  864%Oh no!  What have I done?  I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank,
  864%and for what?  A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer.
  864%Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... [counts] not even close.
  864%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  865%Mrs. Winfield:  Looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.
  865%Mr. Winfield:   Oh, maybe not.
  865%                Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.
  865%-- Homer walks down the street with a rock tied to his waist,
  865%   ``Homer's Odyssey''
  866%Homer:  Boy!  This intersection is dangerous.  Someone oughta put a
  866%        stop sign here.  [a beam of sunlight graces Homer's face]
  866%Marge:  Oh, Homer, how could think of killing yourself?  We love you.
  866%Lisa:   Yeah, Dad, we love you.
  866%Bart:   Yeah!
  866%        [during Homer's speech, the sun rises slowly in the distance]
  866%Homer:  Kill myself?  Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do.  Now
  866%        I have a purpose, a reason to live.  I don't care who I have to
  866%        face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until
  866%        this street gets a stop sign!
  866%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  867%Chief Wiggum:  Well it's no secret.  Our city is under siege by a
  867%       graffiti vandal know as El Barto.  Police artists have a
  867%       composite sketch of the culprit.  If anyone has any information,
  867%       please contact us immediately.
  867%Bart:  [looking at the `Wanted' poster that shares only a slight resemblance]
  867%       Cool man!
  867%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  868%Homer:  Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls,
  868%        retired people with nothing better to do.  Danger comes in many,
  868%        many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman
  868%        ancestors, to the...
  868%Esteemed Councilman:  Simpson!  Get to the point.
  868%Homer:  I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth.  The
  868%        other...
  868%Councilman:  All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye.
  868%        Approved, Meeting adjourned.
  868%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  869%If they think I'm going stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
  869%-- Homer becomes safety-conscious, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  870%Homer:  But come on, we all know this is small potatoes.  There's a
  870%        danger in this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together.
  870%Lisa:   What, Dad?
  870%Homer:  I'm talking about <that>!  [points at the SNPP]
  870%Marge:  You mean your going to pick on your old bosses?
  870%Lisa:   Wow!
  870%Bart:   Gee, Dad's a hero.
  870%Homer:  Whadja say, son?
  870%Bart:   Nuthin'.
  870%Homer:  That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I though I heard you say.
  870%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  871%He also brought you the speed bump [cheer!]
  871%The dip sign  [cheer!]
  871%The fifteen mile per hour speed limit on Main Street [boo!]
  871%I give you the man who's very name is synonymous with safety, Homer Simpson!
  871%-- Demonstration in front of SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  872%Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
  872%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  873%Burns:    Look at that man, he has the crowd in the palm of his hand.  I
  873%          haven't seen anything like it since Jolson.  [to Smithers]
  873%          Who is he?
  873%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir.  He used to work here in the plant,
  873%          but we fired him for gross incompetence.
  873%Burns:    Ah, so that's his little game.  Get this Simpson character up here
  873%          right now.
  873%Smithers: But Mr. Burns!
  873%Burns:    I said do it, now DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
  873%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  874%Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I,
  874%many of them incompetent boobs.
  874%I know this because I worked alongside them,
  874%gone bowling with them,
  874%watched them pass me over for promotions time and again.
  874%And I say... This stinks!
  874%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  875%Smithers:  Hey, Simpson, Burns wants to talk to you privately.
  875%Homer:     [still speaking through the megaphone] Privately?
  875%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  876%Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet.
  876%-- Monty Burns' famous words, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  877%Burns: Hear me out Simpson!  I don't want you to come back as a technical
  877%       supervisor, or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you
  877%       used to be.  I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant.
  877%Homer: Safety?  But sir!  If truth be known, I actually caused more
  877%       accidents around here than any other employee,  [leaning forward]
  877%       including a few doozies no one every found out about.
  877%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  878%Homer: [thinking to himself] Me in charge of safety?
  878%       This place could blow sky-high.
  878%       Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now.
  878%       Hey, this guy's desk sure is big.
  878%       I can't let Marge support the family!
  878%       This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen.
  878%       What should I...
  878%Burns: Simpson!  Time's up.
  878%Homer: What the hay, I'll take the job.
  878%-- A carefully-thought-out decision, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  879%Burns: You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just
  879%       for your principles?
  879%Homer: Hmmmm, you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched,
  879%       but that's the lug your looking at... and I vow to continue
  879%       spending every free minute I have crusading for safety.  Of
  879%       course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me
  879%       the job.
  879%Burns: Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing
  879%       indicates.
  879%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
  880%Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
  880%-- Monty Burns, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  881%Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog.
  881%So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow
  881%yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life.  You
  881%have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us,
  881%and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe.  The
  881%only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you...
  881%But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at
  881%this very plant, and a big fat raise!
  881%-- Homer's announcement, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  882%You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.
  882%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
  883% Bart:   Yeah,       Oh yeah!       yeah!       oh Yeah!
  883% Lisa:         yeah!          yeah,       yeah,           Yeah!
  883% Homer:  [running into the room, picking both kids up by the collar]
  883%         Hey!  What's the problem here?
  883% Lisa:   We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
  883% Homer:  [touched]  You where?  [sniff]  Aww -- well, go ahead.
  883%         [releases the kids]
  883% Bart:   You love him more.
  883% Lisa:   No, you do!
  883% Bart:   No I don't!
  883% Lisa:   Yes you DO!
  883% Bart:   NO I DON'T!
  884% Homer:  [growling]  Look!  You better get this out of your system right now,
  884%         I don't you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.
  884%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  885% Homer:  Hhmmmm, marshmallows,,
  885%         [helps himself to one, then belches a la' Barney]
  885% Marge:  [standing in the passageway to the den, arms folded]  Ho-mer!
  885% Homer:  I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate flatuations (?)
  885%         out of my system while I can, Marge.  I don't want to embarrass
  885%         myself at the company picnic.
  885%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  886% Homer:  [looking to the kitchen counter]  Are you sure that's enough?  You
  886%         know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin dessert!
  886% Marge:  Oh Homer, Mr Burns just said he liked it,,  [indicates with her
  886%         finger]  Once.
  886% Homer:  Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the
  886%         word  [dejectivley]  Bonehead.
  886%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  887% Homer:  Okay, now look.  My Boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want
  887%         you to show your father some love and/or respect.
  887% Lisa:   Tough choice.
  887% Bart:   I'm picking respect.
  887%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  888% Burns:    Oh please please, don't fight.  Just go out back and have a good
  888%           time.  [to Smithers]  Fire that man Smithers, I don't want him, or
  888%           his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
  888% Smithers: He'll be gone by the Tug-o-war sir.
  888% Burns:    Excellent.
  888%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  889% Homer:    Ah, afternoon Mr Burns!
  889% Burns:    Hello there.. ah.. ah..
  889% Homer:    [whispering to Smithers]  Simpson, Homer.
  889% Smithers: [handing a record card to Burns]  Here you go sir.
  889% Burns:    Ah!  Oh yes,, [reading the card]  Oh, and this must be your lovely
  889%           wife [pauses]  Marge. [she smiles]
  889%           Ho ho, look at little.. ah  [consults the card]  Lisa!  Why, she's
  889%           growing like a weed.
  889%           And this must be.. ah, Brat!
  889% Brat:     [unimpressed]  Bart.
  889% Homer:    Don't correct the man, Brat!
  889%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  890% Burns:  [slapping forehead]  Oh for the love of Peta,,  that's all that
  890%         anyone brought.  Some damned fool went around telling everyone that
  890%         I loved that slimy goop!  [family taken aback]  Well, toss it in the
  890%         pile over there  [pointing to several rooms full of GD], and... make
  890%         yourself at home.
  890% Bart:   Hear that Dad?  You can lie around in your underwear and scratch
  890%         yourself.
  890% Homer:  [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart]  Now you listen to me!
  890% Burns:  Trouble, Simpson?
  890% Homer:  [one hand around Bart's neck]  No, heh heh heh.  Just congratulating
  890%         the son on a fine joke about his old man.  [nervously pats Bart's
  890%         head]
  890%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  891% Homer:  Now, remember!  As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
  891% Lisa:   Hey Bart!  Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!
  891% Homer:  D'oh!  [chasing after the two]  Be Normal!  Be Normal!
  891%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  892% Marge:   Do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?
  892% Mother1: Your right. [turns on the TV]
  892%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  893% Homer:  Bart!  Lisa!  [swans stampede Homer]  Willya,, D'oh,,  Where are are
  893%         you kids!  [Bart beans Homer with a rock]  Ow!
  893% Bart:   Oops.  [Homer grabs Bart]  Whoa, careful Dad.  Blow a gasket, and
  893%         you lose you job.
  893% Announcement over Loudspeaker:
  893%         NOW HEAR THIS, THE FATHER-SON SACK RACE WILL BEGIN IN FIVE MINUTES
  893%         ON THE NORTH LAWN.  PARTICIPATION IS MANDATORY, REPEAT MANDATORY.
  893%         THAT IS ALL.
  893% Homer:  You remember the rules from last year?
  893% Bart:   Yeah, shut my mouth and let your Boss win.
  893%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  894% Red-haired Mother: I don't know who to love more,,  My son Joshua who's
  894%          captain of the school team, or my daughter Amber who got the lead
  894%          in the school play.  Usually, I use their grades as a tie-breaker,
  894%          but they both got straight A's this term, so what's a mother to do?
  894% Marge:   [helping herself to ample amounts of the punch]  Umm-hmm.  Well I
  894%          sense greatness in my family.
  894% Mother1: <Your> family?
  894% Marge:   Well, it's a greatness that others can't see,, but it's there, and
  894%          if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average.
  895% Marge:  I don't want to alarm anyone, [woozily]  but I think there's a
  895%         little al-key-hol in this punch.  [scoops another cupful]
  895%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  896% Bart:  Man, this is pathetic!  I'm going for it!
  896%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  897% Marge:  Here we sit, enjoying the shade.
  897% Wives:  Hey Marge, and pour the wine!
  897% Marge:  Drink the drink that I have made.
  897% Wives:  Hey Marge and pour the wine!
  897% Marge:  He's here with me, my one and only.
  897%                [Homer runs past chasing the kids.  He sees Marge, ``Huh?'']
  897%         Drink my friends and don't be lonely.
  897%                [Homer slaps forehead, ``Oh!'']
  897% Wives:  Hey Marge, and pour the wine!
  897%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  898% Homer:  Snap out of it Marge!  You've gotta come with me, the Boss is going
  898%         to make a toast.
  898% Marge:  Whoa-oh, I'm not much of a drinker.  [collapses]
  898% Homer:  You picked a perfect time to start, you... [Marge gazes at him]
  898%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  899% Burns:  Musicians, cease that infernal tootling!
  899%         [Smithers hands him a palm card]
  899%            Thank you all.
  899%         [handed another card]
  899%            ah,, For coming.
  899%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  900% Burns:  [politely, smiling]  But now it's time to say goodbye.  Please get
  900%         off my property, until next year.  [dispensing with the niceties]
  900%         I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten
  900%         minutes!
  900%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  901% Homer:  Quick Bart, give me a kiss.
  901% Bart:   Kiss you?  But Dad, I'm your kid!
  901% Homer:  Bart, <please!>  Five bucks for a kiss.
  901%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  902% Burns:    Look, I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.
  902% Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous.
  902%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  903% Homer:  Boy, I'm glad that's over.  Now we can go home and act normal again.
  903% Father: What do you mean?
  903% Homer:  Oh come on!  ``[kiss kiss kiss],'' that corn-ball routine?  ``I love
  903%         you Daddy,''  Gimme a break!
  903% Father: I pity you.
  903%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  904% Marge:  Homey!  Get in the Car!
  904% Lisa:   This is where you belong!
  904% Bart:   Yeah Homer, room for one more!
  904% M+L+B:  [chanting]  One of us!  One of us!  One of us!  One of us!
  904%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  905% TV:     Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets are dependent
  905%         on their mother regurgitating the food.
  905%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  906% Bart+Lisa: Hey!
  906% Homer:  Look everybody.  Yesterday was a real eye-opener.  We've got to do
  906%         better as a family.  So tonight, we're not going to shovel food into
  906%         our mouths while we stare at the TV.  We're going to eat at the
  906%         Dining-room table like a normal family.
  906%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  907% Lisa:   Happy Dad?
  907% Homer:  Yes.
  907% Lisa:   Good, commence shoveling.
  907% Homer:  No, [everyone stops mid-shovel]  We're going to say Grace first.
  907% Bart:   Ok,, [hands clasped]  Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
  907% Homer:  Grrrrr!  No!  Ignore the boy, Lord.  Now can the chatter and bow
  907%         your heads.  [clears throat]
  907%         Dear Lord,  thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we
  907%         don't deserve it.  I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions!
  907%         Pardon my French,, but they act like savages! [kids bewildered]
  907%         Did you see them at the picnic?  Oh, of course you did... you're
  907%         everywhere, you're omnivorous.
  907%         Oh Lord!  Why did you spite me with this family?
  907% Marge+B+L: Amen!  [Bart:``Lets eat!'' and they continue shoveling]
  907%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  908% Marge:  But Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here listening to you
  908%         bad-mouth us to the man upstairs?
  908% Homer:  I'm sorry Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in
  908%         town.
  908% Marge:  Maybe we should move to a larger community.
  908% Homer:  D'oh,,
  908% Bart:   Don't have a cow, Dad.
  908% Lisa:   The sad truth is all families are like us.
  908% Homer:  [standing up]  You think so huh?  Well there's only one way to find
  908%         out,, follow me.
  908%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  909% Homer:  Look at that kids!  No fighting, no yelling.
  909% Bart:   No belching.
  909% Lisa:   Their dad has a shirt on!
  909% Marge:  Look!  Napkins!
  909% Bart:   These people are obviously freaks.
  909% Homer:  You think so?  Well lets see what's behind door number 2.
  909% Lisa:   What are they doing?
  909% Marge:  They're having a conversation.  They actually enjoy talking to each
  909%         other.
  909% Homer:  I wish I could hear what they're saying.
  909% Kid:    Papa!  I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.
  909% Papa:   I did too.  Better get the gun.
  909% Lisa:   Were's he going?
  909% Homer:  Probably to get the old man his pipes and slippers.
  909%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  910% Bart:   Whoa!  Look at this place, what a dump!
  910% Homer:  It's worst than you think, heh heh heh.  I just trampled this poor
  910%         sap's flower bed.
  910% Marge:  Ho-mer, this is <our> house.
  910% Marge:  Are you coming in Homey?
  910% Homer:  No, no.  [depressed]  I want to be alone with my thought.
  910%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  911% Homer:  Another beer Moe.
  911% Moe:    Whatsdamatta Homer?  Bloodiest fight of the year.  You're sitting
  911%         there like a thirsty bump on a log.
  911%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  912% Moe:    Eddie!  Would you like some pretzels?
  912% Eddie:  No thanks, we're on duty.  A couple of beers would be nice though.
  912% Moe:    That'll be two bucks, boys,,  just kidding  [reaches underneath the
  912%         counter for two bottles]
  912% Cop2:   Ah, listen,, We're looking for a family of peeping toms who have
  912%         been terrorizing the neighborhood  [police dog detects Homer, goes
  912%         nuts]  [to dog] Quiet boy!  Let the nice people enjoy their beers.
  912%         Ah, don't worry, this dog has the scent.
  912% Eddie:  Hey?  What's gotten into Bobo?
  912% Homer:  Err, I've got some weiners (?sp) in my pocket.
  912%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  913% Homer:  You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.
  913%         She said ``Homer, you're a big disappointment'', and god bless her
  913%         soul, she was really onto something.
  913% Barney: Don't blame yourself Homer.  You've got yourself a bad hand.  You've
  913%         got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
  913% Homer:  [agro]  You can't talk way about my kids!  Or at least two of them.
  913% Barney: Why?  You got two that I haven't met?
  913% Homer:  Why you!  Here's five you haven't met!  [punches Barney off his
  913%         stool]
  913%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  914% TV:     All-star Boxing was brought to you by ``Doctor Marvin Monroe's
  914%         Family Therapy Center''. [Dr M on tube waving.]
  915% Wife:    Honey, aren't you going to work today?
  915% Husband: No-o-o,, I don't think so.
  915% Wife:    Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit
  915%          it.
  915% Husband: I admit this -- you better shut your big yap!
  915% Wife:    Oh you shut up.
  915% Hus:     No, you shut up!
  915% Wife:    No <you> shut up!
  915% Hus:     Oh shut up!
  915% Wife:    Shut up!
  915% Hus:     Shut up!  [little kid enters the bedroom]
  915% Kid:     Why don't you BOTH SHUT UP!
  915% Dr M:   Hi friends, I'm Dr Marvin Monroe.  Does this scene look familiar?
  915%         If so, I can help.  No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets.  Just
  915%         family bliss, or double your money back!  So call today!
  915%         [dial 1-800-555-HUGS]
  915% Homer:  When will I learn?  The answer to life's problems aren't at the
  915%         bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
  915%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  916% Homer:  All right, time for a family meeting.
  916% Lisa:   [snidely]  Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?
  916% Homer:  Now look,, You know and I know this family needs help, professional
  916%         help.  So I've made an appointment with Dr Marvin Monroe.
  916% Bart:   The fat guy on TV?
  916% Lisa:   You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Pro-Wrestling?
  916% Homer:  Boxing, Lisa, Boxing -- there's a world of difference.
  916%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  917% Homer:  Honey, I've given matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials
  917%         I saw, his was the best.
  917%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  918% Homer:  Oh come on Marge,,  Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll
  918%         actually get in someplace.
  918%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  919% Marge:  28.. 29.. 50.  Twenty-eight dollars and fifty cents.
  919% Homer:  That's it!  That the college fund that we've been saving for all
  919%         these years?!?
  919% Lisa:   I guess I have needed a partial scholarship.
  919%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  920% Homer:  To save this family we're gonna have to make the <supreme>
  920%         sacrifice.  [Outside, Homer carries the family television into a
  920%         Pawn shop.]
  920% Lisa:   No Dad!  Please don't pawn the TV!
  920%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  921% Marge:  Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
  921% Homer:  I appreciate that honey, but we need a hundred an fifty dollars
  921%         here!
  921%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  922% Homer:  [presenting TV]  Would you pay $150 for this _lovely_ Motorola?
  922% Clerk:  Is it cable-ready?
  922% Homer:  As ready as she'll ever be.
  922%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  923% Marge:  [despairingly] Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer,
  923%         you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
  923% Homer:  Hey,, No pain, no gain!
  924% Receptionist:  Will you be paying by cash or cheque?
  924% Homer:  Cash of course!  I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here
  924%         with me,,  I'm holding it right now.  Here it is, look,, check it
  924%         out, [Homer realizes he could be making a big mistake]  Two hundred
  924%         and fifty big ones.
  924% Bart:   You really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where
  924%         our TV used to be.
  924%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  925% Lisa:   [forlornly]  There go my young girl dreams of Vasser.
  925%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  926% Monroe: Hello, I'm doctor Marvin Monroe, no doubt you recognize me from TV.
  926% Lisa:   We would if we had one.
  926%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  927% Monroe: Homer, what have you got for us?  Homer,, Homer!
  927% Homer:  Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
  927% Monroe: Well if you had been paying attention, perhaps you've noticed that
  927%         your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure -- an ogre,
  927%         if you will.
  927% Marge:  Now doctor, that's not true.
  927% Lisa:   Ogre is such a strong word.
  927% Bart:   Right on Doc!  Another successful diagnosis!
  927%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  928% Monroe: Whoa!  Okay, so you want to kill each other,, that's good, that's
  928%         healthy.  There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict.
  928%         All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.
  928%         [unlocks a gun-rack with the therapy mallets inside.]
  928%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  929% Homer:  Wait a minute, these mallet things are padded with foam rubber,,
  929%         What's the point?
  929% Bart:   They work much better without the padding Doc.
  929% Monroe: [hastily]  No no no, that's not true!
  929%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  930% Monroe: That concludes this portion of our treatment.
  930% Marge:  Are we cured yet?
  930% Monroe: No!  Don't be ridiculous.  You will be cured, but it's going to
  930%         require somewhat more unorthodox methods.
  931% Monroe: Don't worry!  I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up
  931%         the...  Electric Generator.
  931%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  932% Monroe: Everyone comfy?  Hmmph, good.  Now don't touch any of those buttons
  932%         in front of you for a very important reason.  Ie:  You are wired in
  932%         to the rest of your family.  You have the ability to shock them, and
  932%         they have the ability to shock... [Homer gets buzzed]
  932% Bart:   Just testing.
  932%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  933% Monroe: No Homer, not yet!  [Homer: ``Awwww'', disappointed]  You see, this
  933%         is what's known as aversion therapy.  When someone hurts you
  933%         emotionally, you will hurt them physically,, and gradually you will
  933%         learn not to hurt each other -- at all!  And won't that be wonderful
  933%         Homer?
  933% Homer:  Oh yes doctor!  [zaps Bart]
  933% Bart:   Ow!  [presses button]
  933% Lisa:   Aggghh!
  933% Marge:  [scornfully]  Bart!  How could you shock you little sister?
  933% Bart:   My finger slipped.  [zapped]  Arrrggh!
  933% Lisa:   So did mine!  [zapped by Bart]  Ow!  [she retaliates]
  933% Bart:   Arggh!  [zaps Lisa again]
  933% Marge:  Bart!  Lisa!  Stop that!  [zaps both]
  933%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  934% Smithers: Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
  934% Burns:    Excellent!  Excellent,  [walking over to a power meter]  Perhaps
  934%           this energy conservation fad is as dead as the Dodo.
  934%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  935% Receptionist: Doctor Monroe!  Your other patients have fled the building!
  935% Monroe: [near-continuous buzzing heard]  Stop!  Your damaging the equipment!
  935%         [pulls the power supply to the Generator]
  935%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  936% Bart:   Hey, nice hair Mom.
  936% Marge:  Gee, I thought we where making real progress.
  936% Monroe: No!  I'm Sorry!  You're not!  Please, you've just got to go.
  936% Homer:  Wait a minute Doc!  Your TV commercial said, `Family bliss, our
  936%         double our money back.'
  936% Monroe: But that was just a...  Alright  [to receptionist, hand cover face,
  936%         hushed/secretly]  Get the money.
  936%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  937% Homer:  Wow, five hundred smackers!
  937% Marge:  Homer, how wonderful!  Our first pleasant surprise.
  937% Lisa:   It's no the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it.
  937% Bart:   You did it Dad!
  937% Marge:  Excuse me dear, shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get
  937%         our TV back?
  937% Homer:  That piece of junk?  Forget it!  We're gonna get a new TV.
  937%         Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so
  937%         we can wheel it into the Dining room on holidays.
  937% B+L:    Yay!
  937% Marge:  Oh Homer, we love you!  [kisses him]
  937%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
  938%Bart:  You know, there are names for people like you.
  938%Lisa:  No there aren't.
  938%Bart:  Teacher's pet!  Apple polisher!  Butt-kisser!
  938%Homer: Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
  938%-- ``Bart the General''
  939%Bart: You sniveling toad!  You little egg-sucker!
  939%Lisa: [holding secure her box of cupcakes] Tell me more!
  939%Bart; Back-scratcher!  Boot-licker!  Honor student!
  939%Lisa: [smirking]  You'll never get one now, name-caller.
  939%Bart: All right, all right.  Look, I'm sorry.  I, I got upset.
  939%      In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.
  939%Lisa: [milking it] You weren't thinking, were you.
  939%Bart: No.
  939%Lisa: I'm <not> a sniveling toad, am I?
  939%Bart: Not really.
  939%Lisa: I'm <not> a little egg-sucker, am I?
  939%Bart: Of course not.
  939%Lisa: Then what am I?
  939%Bart: A beautiful human being.
  939%Lisa: [coyly]  What do you like best about me?
  939%Bart: [staring at the cupcakes] Well, I'd have to say...
  939%      Your generous nature, your spirit of giving.
  939%Lisa: Well... [thinks]  Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will
  939%      get a big surprise.
  939%Bart: [does so]
  939%Lisa: [gets up.  The bus stops, and a cupcake falls out of the box.
  939%      Lisa picks it up and shoves it into Bart's mouth, then leaves]
  939%Bart: [munching]  Thanks, Lis.  You're the best!
  939%-- ``Bart the General''
  940%It was an accident, man.  A terrible, ghastly mistake.
  940%-- Bart tries to talk his way out of another jam, ``Bart the General''
  941%Nelson: [threateningly] I'll get you after school, man.
  941%Bart:   But...
  941%Princ. Skinner: Oh no no no, he'll get you after school, son.
  941%        Now hurry up, it's time for class.
  941%Bart:   But...
  941%Princ. Skinner: [shooing]  Scoot, young Simpson!  There's learning to be done!
  941%-- ``Bart the General''
  942%Look, everybody.  I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.
  942%I'm not saying that I'm not a hero.
  942%I'm just saying that... I fear for my safety.
  942%-- Bart, ``Bart the General''
  943%Otto: [at Bart's wake]  Good-bye, little dude.
  943%      [to Principal Skinner]  He looks so lifelike, man!
  943%Pr.S: Yes, the nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face
  943%      after the fight.  Good-bye, son.  I guess you were right.  All
  943%      that homework <was> a waste of your time.
  943%-- Wake me when it's over, ``Bart the General''
  944%Thanks, Bart!  We got the day off from school for this!
  944%-- Milhouse attends Bart's wake, ``Bart the General''
  945%Nelson:  Put 'em up!  [circles his fists]
  945%Bart:    [raises his hands in surrender]
  945%-- ``Bart the General''
  946%Bart:  Well, I had a run-in with a... bully.
  946%Marge: [bursts in] A bully!?
  946%Homer: [annoyed] Come on, Marge!  I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa!
  946%Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
  946%Bart:  I... guess I could do that.
  946%Homer: What!?  And violate the code of the schoolyard!?
  946%       I'd rather Bart die!
  946%Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer!?
  946%Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge!  The rules that teach a boy to be
  946%       a man.  Let's see.  [enumerates them on his fingers] Don't tattle.
  946%       Always make fun of those different from you.  Never say anything,
  946%       unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
  946%       What else...
  946%-- Rule number four:  Girls have cooties, ``Bart the General''
  947%Marge: This bully friend of yours.  Is he a little on the chunky side?
  947%Bart:  Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
  947%Marge: Mmm.  And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
  947%Bart:  No, he's pretty dumb.  He's in all the same special classes I am.
  947%-- ``Bart the General''
  948%Homer: You didn't expect that, did you.  And neither will he.
  948%Bart:  You mean that I should fight dirty, Dad?
  948%Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules
  948%       a little in order to hold our own.
  948%Bart:  Amen!
  948%Homer: So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch,
  948%       you throw a glob of mud in his eye!
  948%       And then you sock him [pounds fist into hand] when he staggers
  948%       around blinded!
  948%Bart:  [getting into it]  Yeah!
  948%Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
  948%Bart:  Gotcha.
  948%Homer: [quietly] And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels.
  948%       That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.
  948%       [punches the punching bag down low]
  948%Bart:  [cringes]  Thanks, Pop.
  948%-- The rules of the schoolyard, Simpson style, ``Bart the General''
  949%Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
  949%Bart: What can <he> do?
  949%Lisa: He'll give you good advice.  He's the toughest Simpson alive.
  949%Bart: He is?
  949%Lisa: Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
  949%-- ``Bart the General''
  950%Dear Advertisers,
  950%    I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television.
  950%We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs.  Many of us are bitter,
  950%resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment
  950%was bland and inoffensive.  The following is a list of words I never
  950%want to hear on television again.  Number one:  Bra.  Number two:  Horny.
  950%Number three:  Family Jewels.
  950%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
  951%Herman: [whispers] What's the password?
  951%Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
  951%Herman: Right you are.  [opens the door]
  951%-- ``Bart the General''
  952%Bart:   Uh, Mr. Herman?
  952%Herman: Yes?
  952%Bart:   Did, did you lose your arm in the war?
  952%Herman: My arm?  Well, let me put it this way:  Next time your teacher tells
  952%        you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
  952%Bart:   [nervously]  Yes, sir.  I will.
  952%-- ``Bart the General''
  953%Herman: How many men do you have?
  953%Bart:   None.
  953%Herman: You'll need more.
  953%-- ``Bart the General''
  954%The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street.
  954%The Greeks knew it.  The Carthaginians knew it.  Now <you> know it.
  954%-- Herman, ``Bart the General''
  955%First, you'll need a declaration of war.  That way, everything you do will be
  955%nice and legal.
  955%-- Herman, giving Bart advice on dealing with a local bully,
  955%   ``Bart the General''
  956%Bart:   Pssst.  Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
  956%Grampa: Oh yeah?  Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts.
  956%        And this guy's completely out of his mind!  We can't fail!!
  956%-- ``Bart the General''
  957%Bart:     Okay, we all know why we're here, right?
  957%Milhouse: No, why?
  957%Bart:     To fight Nelson, the bully.  That guy has been tormenting all of
  957%          us for years, and I for one am sick of it!
  957%          I can't promise you victory.  I can't promise you good times.
  957%          But the one thing I do know...
  957%          [all the kids file out]
  957%          Whoa!  Whoa!
  957%          I promise you victory!  I promise you good times!
  957%          [kids cheer]
  957%-- Give 'em what they want, ``Bart the General''
  958%Bart: I got a B in arithmetic.
  958%Army: I got a B in arithmetic.
  958%Bart: Would have got an A but I was sick.
  958%Army: Would have got an A but I was sick.
  958%-- ``Bart the General''
  959%Bart: We are rubber, you are glue.
  959%Army: We are rubber, you are glue.
  959%Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
  959%Army: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
  959%Bart: Sound off.
  959%Army: One!  Two!
  959%Bart: Sound off!
  959%Army: Three!! Four!!
  959%-- ``Bart the General''
  960%Bart: What's the matter with you, soldier!
  960%Boy:  It's my nerves, sir.  I just can't stand the barking any more.
  960%Bart: Your nerves!  [slaps the kid]  I won't have cowards in my army.
  960%Grampa: [whaps Bart]  Sorry, Bart.
  960%      You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff,
  960%      you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for
  960%      some reason you can't slap them.
  960%-- ``Bart the General''
  961%Bart: In English class I did the best.
  961%Army: In English class I did the best.
  961%Bart: Because I cheated on the test.
  961%Army: Because I cheated on the test.
  961%Bart: Sound off.
  961%Army: One!  Two!
  961%Bart: I can't hear you!
  961%Army: Three!!  Four!!
  961%-- ``Bart the General''
  962%Bart: We are happy, we are merry.
  962%Army: We are happy, we are merry.
  962%Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary.
  962%Army: We got a rhyming dictionary.
  962%Bart: Sound off.
  962%Army: One!  Two!
  962%Bart: One more time!
  962%Army: Three!  Four!
  962%Bart: Bring it on home now!
  962%Army: One!  Two!  Three!  Four!
  962%      One!  Two!  .... Three-Four!
  962%-- ``Bart the General''
  963%Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing.
  963%        You got the water balloons?
  963%Bart:   [salutes]  Two hundred rounds, sir.  [holds a balloon]
  963%        Is it okay if they say `Happy Birthday' on the side?
  963%Herman: Urgh.  I'd rather they say `Death from Above', but I guess we're stuck.
  963%-- Saturation bombing with a smile, ``Bart the General''
  964%It's a classic Pincer's Movement.  It can't fail against a ten-year-old!
  964%-- Herman lends Bart military advice, ``Bart the General''
  965%I thought I was too old.  I thought my time had passed.  I thought I'd never
  965%hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a man's eyes.  Thank
  965%heaven for children!
  965%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
  966%Homer: All right, you kids!  Keep it down!  Am I making myself cl--[oomph]
  966%       [Homer is hit by a water balloon]
  966%Grampa: [giggles]  Heh heh, got him!
  966%Homer: You!  Up in the tree!  The tall grey-haired kid!  You come down
  966%       here right now!
  966%Grampa: [pegs Homer in the face with another balloon]
  966%-- ``Bart the General''
  967%Goon #1: Don't hurt us!
  967%Goon #2: We surrender!
  967%Goon #1: We were only following orders!
  967%-- A likely story, ``Bart the General''
  968%Article Four:  Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger.
  968%Article Five:  Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist.
  968%Article Six:   Although Nelson shall have no official power,
  968%               he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.
  968%-- Terms of surrender, ``Bart the General''
  969%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
  969%Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun.
  969%There are no winners, only losers.  There are no good wars, with the
  969%following exceptions:  The American Revolution, World War II,
  969%and the Star Wars Trilogy.  If you'd like to learn more about war,
  969%there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool,
  969%gory pictures.  Well, good night, everybody.  Peace, man.
  969%-- Bart's disclaimer, ``Bart the General''
  970%Homer: Where the hell are my keys?  Who stole my keys?  Come on, I'm
  970%       late for work!  [lift Maggie and looks underneath]
  970%Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to
  970%       your neck.
  970%Bart:  Did you check the den?
  970%Homer: The den!  Great idea!  [heads into the den.  Bart follows]
  970%       [Homer pulls the couch apart]
  970%Bart:  Warm.
  970%       No, cold.
  970%       Colder.
  970%       Ice cold.
  970%Homer: You know where my keys are?
  970%Bart:  No, I'm talking about your breakfast.  [laughs]
  970%Homer: Grrrrrrrrrr!
  970%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  971%Marge:  I'm sorry everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three
  971%        of you.
  971%Bart:   Well Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes
  971%        over the past three decades to keep his...
  971%Homer:  Bart!
  971%Lisa:   Just take mine.  A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.
  971%        [Homer and Bart watch Lisa trudge out of the room]
  971%Homer+Bart: Yeah!  [exchange high-fives]
  971%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  972%Largo: [tapping on music stand]  Lisa.  [taps louder]  LISA SIMPSON!
  972%       [finally attracting her attention]  Lisa, there's no room for
  972%       crazy bebop in ``My Country 'Tis of Thee''.
  972%Lisa:  But Mr. Largo!  That's what my country's all about.
  972%Largo: What?!?
  972%Lisa:  I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of a car.  The
  972%       idle farmer whose land has been taken away by uncaring
  972%       bureaucrats.  The West Virginia coal-miner caught...
  972%Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant
  972%       people are going to be at the recital next week.  Now class, from
  972%       the top.  Five, six, seven...
  972%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  973%Lisa: Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here to
  973%      feeding time.  So we sit around like cattle, chewing our cud,
  973%      dreading the inevitable...
  973%Bart: A-ha!  Food fight!
  973%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  974%Lisa:  OW!  Ooh, ow!  Ooh!
  974%PE Teacher: [blows whistle]  Lisa!  We are playing dodge-ball here.
  974%       The object of the game is to avoid the ball, by weaving or ducking
  974%       out of its path.
  974%Lisa:  In other words, to dodge the ball.
  974%PET:   Listen missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way
  974%       of those balls.
  974%Lisa:  [despairingly]  I'm too sad.
  974%PET:   Too sad to play dodgeball?  That's ridiculous. [to the rest of the
  974%       class]  Now let's see some enthusiasm.  Play Ball!
  974%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  975%Homer: Come on, come on, let's go.
  975%Bart:  [as announcer]
  975%       In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the
  975%       undisputed champ of the town, Battling Bart Simpson!
  975%       [whistles] whoopee, wo wo wo!
  975%       And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48
  975%       defeats... oh, correction, <humiliating> defeats, all of them by
  975%       knock-out.
  975%Homer: Must you do this every time...
  975%Bart:  Homer ``the human punching bag'' Simpson!
  975%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  976%Marge:  They sent a note from school.
  976%Homer:  [to Bart]  What did you do this time you little hoodlum?
  976%Bart:   I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove
  976%        anything!
  976%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  977%Homer:  [reading the note]  Lisa refuses to play dodgeball because she is
  977%        sad.  [end of note]  She doesn't look sad.  I don't see any tears
  977%        in her eyes.
  977%Lisa:   It's not that kind of sad.  I'm sorry Dad, but you wouldn't
  977%        understand.
  977%Homer:  Oh sure I would, Princess.  I have feeling too, you know, like
  977%        ``My stomach hurts', or ``I'm going crazy!''
  977%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  978%Lisa:  Sorry Dad, I know you mean well.  [kisses him]
  978%Homer: Thanks for knowing I mean well.
  978%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  979%Bart:  Gee Homer, it looks like you've got yourself a real problem on
  979%       your hands.
  979%Homer: Your right... Uhh... Bart!  Vacuum this floor!
  979%Bart:  Hey Man!  I didn't do anything wrong!
  979%Homer: In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know.  Now hop
  979%       to it boy!
  979%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  980%Bart:   [sarcastically]  Enjoy your bath?
  980%Lisa:   No, not really.
  980%Bart:   Oh, too bad.  Well I've certainly had fun vacuuming.  Maybe now
  980%        I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub.
  980%Lisa:   [to Maggie] So typical of Bart.  All he thinks about is himself.
  980%Bart:   Hey!  Don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie.  She's on my
  980%        side anyway.
  980%Lisa:   Is not!
  980%Bart:   Is too!
  980%Lisa:   Is not.
  980%Bart:   Is too!
  980%Lisa:   Is not.
  980%Bart:   Is too!  Watch, I'll prove it.  Maggie, come to the one you love
  980%        best.
  980%Maggie: [hops off the couch, looks at Bart]
  980%Lisa:   No Maggie!  Come here girl, come to me.
  980%Bart:   [shaking a rattler]  Come on Maggie, the choice is obvious.
  980%Lisa:   [beckoning her]  No Maggie, don't go for the glitter, look for
  980%        substance.
  980%Maggie: [looks at them both, uncertain]
  980%Lisa:   [giving up] All right Maggie, just go to Bart.
  980%Bart:   Egg-zactly, come to the one you love best.
  980%Maggie: [looks at them both, then walks away and embraces the TV set]
  980% -- ``Moaning Lisa''
  981%Homer: Lisa!  What did I tell you about playing that saxamuhthing in the
  981%       house?
  981%Lisa:  I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]
  981%Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to yell.  Go ahead, play your
  981%       blues if it'll make you happy.
  981%Lisa:  No, that's okay, Dad.  I'll just work on my fingering, unless my
  981%       fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
  981%Homer: Let's hear it.  [Lisa clacks away]  You just clack as loud as you
  981%       want, Lis.
  981%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  982%Lisa:   That was beautiful.  What's it called?
  982%Murphy: Oh, it's a little tune that I call ``The `I Never Had an Italian
  982%        Suit' Blues''.
  982%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  983%Homer:  [in a dream] What the?!?!  [Homer is a video boxing character]
  983%Bart:   [his opponent] Put up your dukes, Homer.
  983%Homer:  Agggh!  Bart!  Go easy on me!  I'm your Dad!
  983%Bart:   I <am> going easy on ya.  [pow] Your so old, [pow] and slow,
  983%        [pow] and weak, [pow] and pathetic.  [Bart winds up for the kill]
  983%Homer:  No!  Son!  No!  [the fist impacts]
  983%        [wakes up screaming]
  983%        Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
  983%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  984%You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing.  I think the
  984%saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at
  984%most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
  984%-- Homer, ``Moaning Lisa''
  985%Marge:  I don't know... Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs
  985%        attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young
  985%        woman.
  985%Homer:  Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.
  985%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  986%Lisa:    [improvises]
  986%Murphy:  Now now now, low B flat.
  986%Lisa:    [jams down low]
  986%Murphy:  Okay, Lisa.  Altissimo register.
  986%Lisa:    [another wild riff]
  986%Murphy:  [applauding]  Very nice, very nice.  I once ruptured myself
  986%         doing that.
  986%-- All you ever wanted to know about sax, ``Moaning Lisa''
  987%Murphy:  My friends call me `Bleeding Gums'.
  987%Lisa:    Ewwww, how'd you get a name like that?
  987%Murphy:  Well let me put it this way... You ever been to the dentist?
  987%Lisa:    Yeah.
  987%Murphy:  Not me.  I suppose I should go to one, but I've got enough pain
  987%         in my life as it is.
  987%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  988%Murphy:  Oh, I'm so lonely,
  988%         Since my baby left me.
  988%         I got no money,
  988%         And nothing is free.
  988%         Oh, I've been so alone
  988%         Since the day I was born.
  988%         All I got is this rusty,
  988%         This rusty old horn.
  988%Lisa:    I got a bratty brother.
  988%         He bugs me everyday.
  988%         And this morning my own mother,
  988%         Gave my last cupcake away.
  988%         My Dad acts like he belongs,
  988%         He belongs in the zoo.
  988%         I'm the sa-a-a-addest kid,
  988%         In gra-a-a-de number two.
  988%-- ``Moaning Lisa'
  989%The Blues isn't about feeling better, it's about making other
  989%people feel <worse>, and making a few bucks while your at it.
  989%-- Bleeding Gums Murphy, ``Moaning Lisa''
  990%Marge:  Lisa!  Get away from that jazz man!
  990%Lisa:   But Mom!  Can I stay a little longer?  Can I Mom, can I?
  990%Marge:  Come on, come on.  We were worried about you.
  990%        [to Bleeding Gums Murphy]
  990%        Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar.
  990%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  991%Kent:  ... through downtown Springfield today gutting Symphony Hall, the
  991%       Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts
  991%       Center, and Barney's Bowl-o-rama.
  991%Homer: Waugh!  [chokes]  Oh no!  [walks into kitchen]  Marge!  Marge, you
  991%       all right?
  991%Marge: No, I'm very upset.
  991%Homer: Oh then you've heard.  Oh God!  What are we going to do?  The
  991%       lanes were kinda warped, but all the food...
  991%Marge: I'm upset about Lisa.
  991%Homer: [realizing]  Oh, me too.
  991%Bart:  Me three, whatawe talking about?
  991%Homer: Bart!
  991%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  992%Marge: Do you think you could be nice enough to your sister, Bart?
  992%Bart:  Oh yeah, easy.
  992%Marge: You do love her don't you?
  992%Bart:  [whining] Oh Mom...
  992%Marge: Well you do, don't you?
  992%Bart:  [uncomfortably]  Don't make me say it.  You know the answer, I
  992%       know the answer, he knows the answer, let's just drop it, ok?
  992%Marge: Okay, Bart, you don't have to say it, but you do have to have a
  992%       loving attitude.  Be nice to your sister.
  992%Bart:  [reluctantly]  Okey dokey.
  992%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  993%Moe:   Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
  993%Bart:  Is Jock there?
  993%Moe:   Who?
  993%Bart:  Jock, last name Strap.
  993%Moe:   Uh, hold on.  [to everyone in the bar]  Uh, Jock... Strap...
  993%       Hey guys I'm looking for a Jock Strap.  [laughs from all]
  993%       Oh... wait a minute... Jock Strap...
  993%       It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt?  When I get a hold of you,
  993%       I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
  993%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  994%Homer: Give me some quarters... I'm doing my laundry.
  994%Clerk: Yeah, right.  [gives him the quarters]
  994%Homer: [looks around] Where's the video boxing?
  994%Clerk: Over there in the corner.  If I were you I really would use
  994%       those quarters for laundry.
  994%Homer: [sotto voce]  Wise guy.
  994%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  995%Howie:  Ok, who's next?  [every one raises their hands, `memememememe']
  995%Homer:  [rising from above the crowd]  No, me!  No, meeee!  Now listen...
  995%        can you teach me how to fight like you do?
  995%Howie:  No.
  995%Homer:  Aw, come on...
  995%Howie:  I'll tell you what.  I'll do it if you'll bark like a dog.
  995%Homer:  Whyyoulittle... Woof woof woof!
  995%Howie:  Hah!  You've got yourself a deal, Fido.
  995%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  996%Lisa:   Ahem.  [Marge waits for her to say something, but Lisa turns
  996%        away]
  996%Marge:  Now Lisa, listen to me, this is important.  I want you to smile
  996%        today.
  996%Lisa:   But I don't feel like smiling.
  996%Marge:  Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know?  It's what
  996%        shows up on the surface that counts.  That's what my mother
  996%        taught me.  Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all
  996%        the way down, past your knees until your almost walking on them.
  996%        And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and
  996%        boys will like you, and happiness will follow.
  996%Lisa:   [feeble attempt at a smile]
  996%Marge:  No, come on.  You can do better than that.
  996%Lisa:   [a much brighter smile]
  996%Marge:  Aww, that's my girl.  [rubs Lisa's hair]
  996%Lisa:   [through her teeth]  I feel more popular already.
  996%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
  997%Boy1:  Hey, nice smile.
  997%Lisa:  Thanks.
  997%Boy2:  Hey, what are you talking to her for?  She's just going to say
  997%       something weird.
  997%Lisa:  Not me!
  997%Boy1:  You know, I used to think you were some sort of a Brainiac, but, I
  997%       guess you're okay, and...
  997%Lisa:  Uh-huh.
  997%Boy2:  Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice.  You can
  997%       do my homework.
  997%Lisa:  [forced]  Okay.
  998%Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's
  998%outburst of `Unbridled Creativity'.
  998%-- Mr. Largo, ``Moaning Lisa''
  999%Bart:   I'll gonna knock you out one more time and that's it, this is
  999%        getting boring man!
  999%Homer:  [smirking] Try not to kill me too hard, son.  Heh heh heh.
  999%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
 1000%Marge:  I'd like your attention, please.
 1000%Homer:  Quiet Marge!  This is my big moment!  Bart the Bloody Pulp
 1000%        Simpson is on the ropes.  He's hoping I'll put him out of his
 1000%        misery.  Wow, you're in luck Bart!  Here comes my right!
 1000%        [Marge pulls the plug]  Oh, no!!!!
 1000%        My game!  My game!  I could've beat the boy!  Marge, how could
 1000%        you!  I was so close!
 1000%Marge:  I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly loud game.
 1000%Bart:   You're right Mom.  I'd just like to use this occasion to announce
 1000%        my retirement, undefeated from the world of video boxing.
 1000%        [Homer collapses into a whimper]
 1000%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
 1001%Bart:   Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives, at least until you've
 1001%        heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our belov\'ed
 1001%        town founder.
 1001%Barney: How long will this story take?
 1001%Bart:   Uh... About twenty-three minutes and five seconds.
 1001%-- Does that include commercials?  ``The Telltale Head''
 1002%Marge: Bart, assume the position.
 1002%Bart:  [turns and leans against the wall, legs spread]
 1002%Marge: [frisks Bart]
 1002%-- Leaving for church, ``The Telltale Head''
 1003%Announcer: This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose
 1003%           from the dead!
 1003%Homer:     Laza-who?
 1003%-- Driving to church, ``The Telltale Head''
 1004%Marge: [confiscates Bart's personal stereo]
 1004%       Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday School?
 1004%Bart:  Maybe.
 1004%Marge: Can you believe this, Homer? ... Homer?  Homer?
 1004%Homer: [in the car, bashes his head on the steering wheel in frustration]
 1004%Marge: [goes to the car]  Homer, were you planning on sitting in the
 1004%       car until the [football] game is over?
 1004%Homer: Maybe.
 1004%-- Great minds think alike, ``The Telltale Head''
 1005%Milhouse:  Will there be cavemen in heaven?
 1005%Sunday School Teacher:  Certainly not!
 1005%Bart: Uh, ma'am?  What if you're a really good person, but
 1005%      you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets
 1005%      gangrene and it has to be amputated.  Will it be waiting for
 1005%      you in heaven?
 1005%SST:  For the last time, Bart, yes!
 1005%-- Playing by the rules, ``The Telltale Head''
 1006%Sunday School Teacher:  [very tired]  The ventriloquist goes to heaven,
 1006%      but the dummy doesn't.
 1006%Bart: [raises his hand]  Ooh-ooh-ooh!  Me!
 1006%SST:  Bart?
 1006%Bart: What about a robot with a human brain?
 1006%SST:  [at the breaking point] I don't know!  All these questions!
 1006%      Is a little blind faith too much to ask!?!
 1006%-- ``The Telltale Head''
 1007%Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
 1007%Lisa:  The answers to deep theological questions.
 1007%Bart:  Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
 1007%Homer: What?  Those cute little monkeys?  That's terrible.
 1007%       Who told you that?
 1007%Bart:  Our teacher.
 1007%Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but
 1007%       what about those really smart ones who live among us?
 1007%       Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
 1007%-- And work in nuclear power plants, ``The Telltale Head''
 1008%Bart:  Cool, man, Space Mutants 4.  Let me off!  Let me off!
 1008%Marge: No way, Jose.
 1008%Homer: Marge, they're only space mutants.
 1008%Marge: Uh uh.  I know what those movies are like.
 1008%       Killing innocent people, eating human flesh.
 1008%       You'll just get a lot of bad ideas.
 1008%-- ``The Telltale Head''
 1009%Bart:  You guys are sneaking in?
 1009%Kerny: Yeah, only saps pay to see movies.
 1009%Jimbo: Hey, Bart, come on!
 1009%Bart:  But sneaking into movies is practically stealing, man.
 1009%Kerny: Practically?
 1009%Jimbo: It <is> stealing.
 1009%Bart:  Well, okay.  I just wanted to make sure we aren't deluding ourselves.
 1009%-- An irrefutable argument, ``The Telltale Head''
 1010%Homer: [reading The Bowl Earth Catalog]
 1010%       Wow, look at these bowling balls, Maggie!
 1010%       Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his
 1010%       hard-won fifty bucks?
 1010%       [turns the page]
 1010%       Gasp!  Now I've seen everything.
 1010%       Black, marbelized with a liquid center.  The Stealth Bowler.
 1010%       The pins don't know what hit 'em.
 1010%-- ``The Telltale Head''
 1011%Bart:  I was wondering.  How important is it to be popular?
 1011%Homer: I'm glad you asked, son.  Being popular is the most important thing
 1011%       in the world!
 1011%Bart:  Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad,
 1011%       so other kids will like you better?
 1011%Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
 1011%Bart:  No.
 1011%Homer: Are you!
 1011%Bart:  No!
 1011%Homer: Then run along, you little scamp!  [musses Bart's hair]
 1011%       A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
 1011%-- ``The Telltale Head''
 1012%A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
 1012%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head''
 1013%Homer: Ooh, look at this one!  The Hammer of Thor!
 1013%       It will sends your pins to... Valhalla?  Lisa?
 1013%Lisa:  Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
 1013%Homer: Ooh, that's some ball!
 1013%-- Reading The Bowl Earth Catalog, ``The Telltale Head''
 1014%We have no witnesses, no suspects, no leads.
 1014%If anyone has any information, please dial `O' and ask for the police.
 1014%That number again:  `O'.
 1014%-- Chief Wiggum's press conference, ``The Telltale Head''
 1015%Just a statue?  Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue?
 1015%Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza [sic] just a statue?
 1015%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head''
 1016%There is someone out there in Krusty-Land who has committed an atrocity!
 1016%If you know who cut off Jebediah's head, I don't care if it's your brother,
 1016%your sister, your daddy, or your mommy, turn him in!
 1016%[brightly]  Krusty will send you a free slide whistle,
 1016%just like Sideshow Bob's!
 1016%-- ``The Telltale Head''
 1017%[Caption:  SPRINGFIELD: A CITY HELD HOSTAGE.  DAY ONE  (dramatization)]
 1017%Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield, he was.
 1017%[A cheesy documentary.  Jebediah chops wood.]
 1017%In 1838, along the way, he met a ferocious bear.
 1017%[What is obviously a man in a bear costume appears.
 1017% Jebediah discards his axe and wrestles the bear.
 1017% The caption `dramatization' reappears.]
 1017%And killed him with his bare hands.  That's B-A-R-E hands.
 1017%[Jebediah wins.]
 1017%We've recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably
 1017%killed <him>.
 1017%-- ``The Telltale Head''
 1018%Burns:    [overcome with emotion]  I love you, Smithers.
 1018%Smithers: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
 1018%-- ``The Telltale Head''
 1019%Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles
 1019%         uh.. Dickens' Christmas Carol.
 1019%Homer:   Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!
 1019%-- Watching the school Christmas pageant, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1020%Maggie is walking by herself.  Lisa got straight A's.  And Bart...
 1020%Well, we love Bart.
 1020%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter,
 1020%   ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1021%Marge: [writing] The magic of the season has touched us all.
 1021%Homer: Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?
 1021%Marge: [writing] Homer sends his love.
 1021%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter,
 1021%   ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1022%Marge: A tattoo?
 1022%Homer: A what?
 1022%Bart:  Yeah, they're cool, and they last for the rest of your lives.
 1022%Marge: You will <not> be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
 1022%Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your
 1022%       own allowance!
 1022%-- Reading Bart's Christmas list, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1023%Oh, Bart, that's so sweet.  It's the best present a mother could get,
 1023%and it makes you look so dangerous.
 1023%-- Marge in Bart's dream of getting a tattoo,
 1023%   ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1024%Bart:  One `mother' please.
 1024%Clerk: Wait a minute.  How old are you?
 1024%Bart:  21, sir.
 1024%Clerk: Get in the chair.
 1024%-- Bart gets a tattoo, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1025%Smithers: Attention all personnel.  Please keep working during the
 1025%          following announcement.  And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.
 1025%Burns:    Hello.  I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase
 1025%          safety here at the plant without cost to the consumer or
 1025%          affecting management pay raises.  However, for you semi-skilled
 1025%          workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses.  Oh, and one more
 1025%          thing:  Merry Christmas!
 1025%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1026%Lisa:   [touches Bart's injured arm]
 1026%Bart:   Ow!  Quit it.
 1026%Lisa:   [touches Bart's injured arm]
 1026%Bart:   Ow!  Quit it.
 1026%Lisa:   [touches Bart's injured arm]
 1026%Bart:   Ow!  Quit it.
 1026%Maggie: [touches Bart's injured arm]
 1026%Bart:   Ow!  Quit it.
 1026%Homer:  Hey, what's with this?  [touches Bart's injured arm]
 1026%Bart:   Ow!  Quit it.
 1026%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1027%Marge: [in bed, reading the shopping list]
 1027%       I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me Homer.
 1027%Homer: Huh?  Oh, I love you Marge.
 1027%Marge: Mm, Homer, you tell me that all the time.
 1027%Homer: Oh good, because I <do> love you.
 1027%       I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit
 1027%       card that won't set off that horrible beeping.
 1027%Marge: Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus.
 1027%       I keep asking for it, but...
 1027%Homer: Marge...  Oh... Let me be honest with you...
 1027%Marge: Yes?
 1027%Homer: Well... I...
 1027%Marge: [rubs his hand]
 1027%Homer: I want to do the Christmas shopping this year!
 1027%Marge: [hands over the list she was holding]  Well, sure.  Okay.
 1027%       [flicks bed-side light off. Homer's forced grin glows in the dark]
 1027%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1028%Homer: [bumps into Ned.  Their respective armfuls of gifts fall into the snow]
 1028%Ned:   Oh ho ho, Simpson, it's you.
 1028%Homer: Hello, Flanders.
 1028%Ned:   Oh my, what a little mess we've got here.  Well, which ones are yours
 1028%       and which ones are mine?
 1028%Homer: Well, let's see.
 1028%Ned:   [picking up gifts] Well, this one's mine, and this one's mine, heh heh,
 1028%       this one's mine, and...
 1028%Homer: They're <all> yours!
 1028%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1029%Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
 1029%Homer:  Wow.  Can <I> do that?
 1029%Barney: I dunno.  They're pretty selective.  [belch]
 1029%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1030%Manager: Do you like children?
 1030%Homer:   What do you mean?  All the time?  Even when they're nuts??
 1030%-- Homer applies for a job as a department store Santa,
 1030%   ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1031%Bart:  Hey Santa, what's shakin', man?
 1031%Homer: [as Santa]  What's your name, Bart...ner?  Uh, little partner?
 1031%Bart:  I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
 1031%-- Homer works as a department store Santa,
 1031%   ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1032%You must really love us to sink so low.
 1032%-- Bart admires Homer's working as a department store Santa,
 1032%   ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1033%Homer: Thirteen bucks?  Hey, wait a minute.
 1033%Clerk: That's right.  $120 gross, less Social Security...
 1033%Homer: Yeah.
 1033%Clerk: ... less unemployment insurance ...
 1033%Homer: But...
 1033%Clerk: ... less Santa training...
 1033%Homer: Santa training?
 1033%Clerk: ... less costume purchase...
 1033%Homer: Wait a minute...
 1033%Clerk: ... less beard rental...
 1033%Homer: But...
 1033%Clerk: ... less Christmas Club.
 1033%Homer: But...
 1033%Clerk: See you next year.  [closes the window]
 1033%-- Paydirt, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1034%Bart:  Aw come on, Dad.  This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons'
 1034%       Christmas.  If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always
 1034%       happen to poor kids at Christmas.  It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened
 1034%       to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen
 1034%       to us!
 1034%Homer: Well, okay, let's go.  Who's Tiny Tim?
 1034%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1035%Lisa:  What, Aunt Patty?
 1035%Patty: Oh, nothing, dear.  I'm just trashing your father.
 1035%Lisa:  Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the
 1035%       same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have.
 1035%       Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will
 1035%       govern the prospects of my adult relationships.
 1035%       So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me,
 1035%       and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
 1035%Patty: Mm hm.  Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
 1035%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1036%Don't worry, Dad.  Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.
 1036%-- Bart's been watching too much TV, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1037%It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.
 1037%-- Bart, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1038%Bart:  Oh, Dad, can we keep him?
 1038%Homer: But he's a loser!  He's pathetic!  He's...
 1038%SLH:   [licks Homer's face]
 1038%Homer: ... a Simpson.
 1038%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
 1039%Krusty: Hi, kids!  Who do you love?
 1039%Kids:   Krusty!
 1039%Krusty: How much do you love me?
 1039%        [Bart and Lisa watch the show at home]
 1039%Bart+Lisa+Kids: With all our heart!
 1039%Krusty: What would do if I went off the air?
 1039%Bart+Lisa+Kids: We'd kill ourselves!
 1039%-- Making life worth living, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1040%Krusty: Don't blame me...
 1040%Krusty+Kids:  <I> didn't do it!
 1040%-- Words to live by, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1041%Comedy, thy name is Krusty.
 1041%-- Bart, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1042%Bart+Lisa:  [laugh at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon]
 1042%Marge: My, all this senseless violence.  I don't understand the appeal.
 1042%Bart:  We don't expected you to, Mom.
 1042%Lisa:  If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
 1042%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1043%If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
 1043%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted'
 1044%Oooooh, eight carousels!  We're in for a real treat!
 1044%-- Marge welcomes her sisters, laden with slides of their latest trip,
 1044%   ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1045%Hello, steady customer!  How are you this evening, sir?
 1045%-- Apu welcomes Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1046%Mmm... Chocolate...
 1046%Ooooh, double chocolate...
 1046%Gasp!  New flavor!  Triple chocolate!
 1046%-- Homer buys ice cream, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1047%What's the matter, sir?  Never have I seen you so unhappy when you are
 1047%purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
 1047%-- Apu to Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1048%Krusty: [holding a gun]  Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
 1048%Apu:    Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery.
 1048%        I do work in a convenience store, you know.
 1048%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1049%You can emerge now from my chips.
 1049%The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
 1049%-- Apu to a (cowardly) Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1050%Patty: This is a Mexican delicacy called a `taco platter'.
 1050%Selma: Mmm, delicious.
 1050%-- Narrating a slide show of their trip to the Yucatan, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1051%Krusty: Hey, what's going on, here?
 1051%Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery.
 1051%        You have the right to remain silent.
 1051%        Anything you say, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah.
 1051%-- You know the rest, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1052%Send in the clowns!
 1052%-- Chief Wiggum prepares for a police line-up, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1053%And this is all the mail that awaited us upon our return.
 1053%[click, next slide]
 1053%And this is Selma dropping off our vacation film to be developed.
 1053%Thus concludes our Mexican Odyssey.
 1053%-- Patty shows vacation slides, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1054%Why did the clown cross the road?
 1054%To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.
 1054%A new story behind that enigmatic half-joke after this commercial message.
 1054%-- Scott Christian anchors the newscast, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1055%Homer: Bart, you know that guy on your lunchbox?
 1055%Bart:  Oh, you mean Krusty the Clown?
 1055%Homer: He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he?
 1055%Bart:  Are you kidding?  He's my idol!
 1055%       I've based my life on Krusty's teaching.
 1055%-- Krusticism?  ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1056%Earlier this evening, the Springfield SWAT team apprehended
 1056%the TV clown, who appears on a rival station, opposite our
 1056%own Emmy award winning Hobo Hate.
 1056%-- Scott Christian's news flash, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1057%Earth-to-Marge.  Earth-to-Marge.  I was there.  The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.
 1057%-- Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1058%Good evening again, Springfield.  Krusty the Klown, the beloved idol of
 1058%countless tots, now nothing more than a common (alleged) criminal.
 1058%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1059%His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media
 1059%circus, as children of all ages, from 8 to 80, hang onto each new
 1059%development like so many Rumanian trapeze artists.
 1059%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1060%Krusty: Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids?
 1060%        Well, we've got another one coming right up.
 1060%        But first!  I've got a hankerin' for some pork products!
 1060%        [Sideshow Bob wheels in a barebecue grill]
 1060%        Mmmm.... Look!  Plump, succulent sausage.  Honey-smoked bacon.
 1060%        And glistening, sizzling.... Aaaagh!  D'oh!
 1060%        [Krusty clutches his chest and contorts his face]
 1060%Kids:   Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
 1060%Krusty: [collapses, his hand slowly descending out of frame]
 1060%        Heart...attack... Gagh!  I'm... dying...  I'm dying...
 1060%Kent:   [watching on a monitor]  Heh heh heh.
 1060%-- Krusty's near-fatal heart attack in 1986, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1061%Bart:   Look at him.  His clothes are so drab.
 1061%Lisa:   His face is so flesh-colored and sad.
 1061%Bart:   And his feet.  They're so small.
 1061%        [grabs Krusty] Say it ain't so, Krusty!
 1061%Atty:   Uh, my client has no comment at this time.
 1061%Krusty; [meekly]  I didn't do it!
 1061%        [all laugh as Krusty is dragged away on his heels]
 1061%-- Once a clown, always a clown.  ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1062%Judge:  Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
 1062%Krusty: [brightly] I plead guilty, your honor.
 1062%        [huge gasp from the crowd, Krusty looks around surprised]
 1062%Atty:   [whispers into Krusty's ear]
 1062%Krusty: Oh, heh heh heh, not guilty, heh heh heh.
 1062%        Opening-night jitters, your honor.
 1062%-- Just picture them in their underwear, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1063%Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of
 1063%heavily-salted snack treats?
 1063%-- Prosecutor at Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1064%These toys are just adorable.  Who would have guessed they were inspired
 1064%by an insane criminal genius.
 1064%-- Marge throws out Krusty-related toys, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1065%Bart:  Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality!
 1065%Homer: No I'm not, I'm hopping on the bandwagon!
 1065%       Now come on, son, get with the winning team!
 1065%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1066%Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight.  But please, just a few
 1066%words of caution.  Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but
 1066%because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please
 1066%stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
 1066%-- Reverend Lovejoy coordinates a Krusty-burning, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1067%Prosecutor: Betting slips, indicating that you've lost substantial sums
 1067%            of money on sports gambling.
 1067%Krusty:     [dramatically]  Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
 1067%Prosecutor: Yes, it is!
 1067%Krusty:     [meekly]  Oh.
 1067%-- Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1068%Foreperson: We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown...  Guilty.
 1068%Crowd:      [gasp!]
 1068%Defense Attorney:  Ugh!  [bangs the table]  I knew it!
 1068%            This happens to me every time!
 1068%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1069%Bart: I bet I can prove Krusty's innocent, but... [meekly] I need your help.
 1069%Lisa: [genuinely not knowing]  You do?  Why?
 1069%Bart: Oh, come on, Lis, you know why.
 1069%Lisa: No!  Why?
 1069%Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but...
 1069%      [deep breath]  You're smarter than me.
 1069%Lisa: [adorable smile]
 1069%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1070%[hiding behind the counter]
 1070%Okay, don't try anything funny.  I'm armed to the teeth.
 1070%-- Apu, once bitten twice shy, ``Krusty the Clown''
 1071%Hey, hey, this is not a lending library!
 1071%If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
 1071%-- Apu, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1072%Come on, Bart, go with the flow!
 1072%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1073%Sideshow Bob: So what's on your mind, Bart?  Is it that other children
 1073%              don't accept you?
 1073%Bart:         Sure, Sideshow Bob, but that doesn't bother me.
 1073%-- Armchair psychiatry, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1074%The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield
 1074%Review of Books.  Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal
 1074%and Susan Sonntag.
 1074%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1075%There was a school of thought called stoicism...
 1075%-- Sideshow Bob hosts his Cavalcade of Whimsy, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1076%Bart: Attention, fellow children!  Krusty didn't rob that store!
 1076%      Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof!
 1076%      [whams Sideshow Bob's foot with a mallet]
 1076%Sideshow Bob: [hopping and grabbing his foot]
 1076%      Ow!  You lousy, stupid clumsy...
 1076%Kids: Gasp!
 1076%Bart: See that?  Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet,
 1076%      like all good-hearted people.  [whams Sideshow Bob's other foot]
 1076%Sideshow Bob: [on the floor, grabbing his feet]
 1076%Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled those shoes with these ugly feet!
 1076%      [removes Sideshow Bob's shoe, revealing his big, ugly feet]
 1076%The Cop:  [watching the show, eating donuts]  Kid's right.
 1076%The Other Cop: [doing the same]  How do you suppose we missed that?
 1076%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1077%And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids.
 1077%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1078%Treat kids like equals!  They're people too!  They're smarter than you think!
 1078%They were smart enough to catch me!
 1078%-- Sideshow Bob is carted away to jail, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1079%I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in
 1079%prison are exaggerated.
 1079%-- Homer to Krusty, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
 1080%Homer:  [receives a sweepstakes junk mail with a `You may have already won'
 1080%        check]  One million dollars!  I'm rich!  [rushes to the bank]
 1080%Teller: Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is non-negotiable.
 1080%Homer:  Oh yeah?  Well, what makes you so damn sure?
 1080%Teller: See where it says, ``VOID VOID VOID'' and ``This is not a check'',
 1080%        ``Cash value one twentieth of a cent'', ``Mr. Banker, do not
 1080%        honor''...
 1080%Homer:  Shut up.
 1080%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1081%Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true.
 1081%       Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.
 1081%Lisa:  I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
 1081%-- Homer may have already won $1 million, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1082%Marge: Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
 1082%Homer: Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not going to start
 1082%       now.
 1082%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1083%Homer: [reading `Reading Digest']  Hey, a cartoon!
 1083%       [a woman tries to explain a pile of metal that used to be a car]
 1083%       ``Well, dear, you always wanted a compact...''
 1083%       [laughs]  Ain't it the truth!
 1083%Marge: No, it's not the truth, Homer.  It's well-documented that women are
 1083%       safer drivers than men.
 1083%Homer: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning.  They're just
 1083%       stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
 1083%       [gets up, revealing rear cleavage]
 1083%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1084%Len:   Hey Einstein, put down your reading.  It's lunchtime!
 1084%Homer: Ah, you go ahead.
 1084%Len:   Hey, you don't want to eat?  What did you do, get one of those
 1084%       stomach staples?
 1084%Homer: As Tolstoi said in Quotable Notables, ``Give me learning, sir,
 1084%       and you may keep your black bread.''
 1084%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1085%Burns:    Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
 1085%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
 1085%Burns:    Simpson, eh?  How very strange.
 1085%          His job description clearly specifies an illiterate!
 1085%-- Why is Homer reading on the job?  ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1086%Announcer:  We now return to Troy McClure and Dolores Montenegro
 1086%            in ``Preacher with a Shovel''.
 1086%Man's voice: But irrigation can <save> your people, Chief Smiling Bear!
 1086%-- The wonders of the American cinema, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1087%Marge: You've certainly taking a shying to that magazine.
 1087%Homer: It's not just <one> magazine, Marge; they take <hundreds> of
 1087%       magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something
 1087%       that fits right into your front pocket.
 1087%       [struggles to shove it into his front pocket, tearing the seams
 1087%       in the process]
 1087%-- Reading is fundamental, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1088%Homer: [reading]  Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers
 1088%       dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion!
 1088%       [gasp]  He'll be killed!
 1088%Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
 1088%Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead]  Oh, you're right.
 1088%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1089%Homer: [reads]  Seven ways to spice up your marriage.
 1089%       [ahem] [reads woodenly]  Marge, you have a nice body.
 1089%       And if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask.
 1089%Marge: Why, thank you, Homey.
 1089%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1090%Homer: Wow, `Win a trip to Washington, DC.  All expenses paid, VIP tour'...
 1090%       Oh, it's for kids. [throws into trash]
 1090%Lisa: Wait, Dad.  [fishes out of trash]
 1090%      Mm, an essay contest.  Children under twelve, three hundred words,
 1090%      fiercely pro-American.  Sounds interesting.
 1090%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1091%[as tranquil music plays in the background, Lisa writes her essay]
 1091%What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today?
 1091%He'd say...  [tranquil music abruptly stops]
 1091%[erasing]  Oh, think of a better opening.
 1091%-- After all, Ben Franklin was an editor, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1092%Lisa:  Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad.
 1092%Homer: Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine.
 1092%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1093%We the purple?  What the hell was that?
 1093%-- Father to son on his essay topic, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1094%Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off!
 1094%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1095%Steward: Yes, sir, can I get you something?
 1095%Homer:   Playing cards, note pad, aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin,
 1095%         propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask, and anything else
 1095%         I've got coming to me.
 1095%Steward: I'll see what I can do.
 1095%-- Flying to Washington, DC, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1096%Pilot: And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle.
 1096%       Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats?
 1096%Bart:  No thank you.  I'd rather push this button.
 1096%       [leans over and pushes a button]
 1096%Pilot: No!
 1096%       [in the main cabin, oxygen masks descend from the overhead compartments]
 1096%Homer: Aagh!  We're all going to die!  [screams from the passengers]
 1096%-- Are you breathing naturally?  ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1097%[at the airport, sees a chauffeur holding a sign that reads, `SIMPSON']
 1097%Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do!
 1097%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1098%Wow!  A shoe horn!  Just like in the movies!
 1098%-- Homer is amazed at what comes with the hotel room,
 1098%   ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1099%Ooh, I love your magazine.  My favorite section is `How to increase
 1099%your word power'.  That thing is really, really.. really.... good.
 1099%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1100%Faith: Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists.
 1100%       This is Trong Van Din and Maria Diminguez.
 1100%Maria and Trong: Hello.
 1100%Faith: Maria is the national spelling bee champion, and Trong has
 1100%       won both the Westinghouse Talent Search and the NFL
 1100%       Punt-Pass-and-Kick competition.
 1100%Lisa:  Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior
 1100%       ability?
 1100%Maria: Mm.
 1100%Trong: Sure, I guess.
 1100%Lisa:  Oh!   Me, too!  [embraces them]
 1100%-- The plight of the superior, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1101%Faith: These are special VIP badges.  They'll get you into places
 1101%       other tourists never see.
 1101%Homer: Miss, what does the `I' stand for?
 1101%Faith: Important.
 1101%Homer: Ooh.  How about the `V'?
 1101%Faith: Very.
 1101%Homer: Oh.  And Miss, just one more question.
 1101%Faith: Person.
 1101%Homer: Ah... What does the `I' stand for again?
 1101%-- Short term um, what's that called... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1102%Bart: [reading a sign]  On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled
 1102%      back-to-back 300 games.
 1102%Homer: Yeah, right.
 1102%-- Would he lie to you?  ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1103%Marge: Wow, the President's bathroom...
 1103%Lisa:  [opens a curtain, revealing our First Lady in the tub soaking]
 1103%Babs:  [gasp]  Do you mind!
 1103%Lisa:  Barbara Bush!
 1103%Babs:  Ugh, you have those damn badges.  Okay... [playing tour guide]
 1103%       This tub was installed in 1894...
 1103%-- The VIP tour, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1104%Tour guide:  Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day.
 1104%       Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we don't give out free samples.
 1104%       [tour group chuckles]
 1104%Homer: Lousy cheap country...
 1104%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1105%Homer:  Bart!  Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis!
 1105%-- Or is it Looey?  ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1106%Marge: [admiring the Washington Monument]  [chuckles]
 1106%Homer: Hey, what's so funny?
 1106%Marge: [whispers]
 1106%Homer: Oh, Marge, grow up.
 1106%-- Did he say, `up'?  ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1107%Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist, and I'd like to give you a
 1107%logging permit, I would.  But this isn't like burying toxic waste.  People
 1107%are going to notice those trees are gone.
 1107%-- The quandaries of a Congressman, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1108%Arnold: You must be Lisa Simpson.
 1108%Lisa:   Hello, sir.
 1108%Arnold: Lisa, you're a doer.  And who knows, maybe someday you'll be a
 1108%        congressman or a senator.  We have quite a few women senators, you
 1108%        know.
 1108%Lisa:   Only two.  I checked.
 1108%Arnold: [chuckles]  You're a sharp one.
 1108%-- Congressman Arnold has met his match?  ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1109%Moe:    [seeing a photo of Congressman Arnold and Lisa in the paper]
 1109%        Aw, isn't that nice.  Now <there> is a politician who cares.
 1109%Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him!  [belch]
 1109%-- Portrait of a Nonvoter, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1110%Lisa:  I'm too excited to sleep.  Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe
 1110%       Memorial?
 1110%Homer: [half asleep]  Who's that?
 1110%Lisa:  An early crusader for women's rights.  She led the Floor Mop Rebellion
 1110%       of 1910.  Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.
 1110%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1111%``I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor
 1111%laws.''  Amen, sister.
 1111%-- Lisa reads the inscription on the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial,
 1111%   ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1112%Lisa:     [over the strains of the Battle Hymn of the Republic]
 1112%          [sees the Lincoln Memorial in the reflecting pool]
 1112%          Honest Abe, he'll show me the way.
 1112%          [goes to the memorial]
 1112%          Mr. Lincoln?
 1112%Man:      Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice.  What can I do to make this a
 1112%          better country?
 1112%Woman:    Is this a good time to buy a house?
 1112%Woman:    I can't get my boy to brush proper.
 1112%Man:      Would I look good with a mustache?
 1112%Old man:  [takes of his hat, revealing his bald pate]
 1112%          So I tried some turpentine but that just made it worse.
 1112%Lisa:     [trying to make herself heard over the din]
 1112%          Mr. Lincoln?  My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
 1112%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1113%Lisa:      Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
 1113%Jefferson: I know your problem.  The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded.
 1113%Lisa:      Sorry, sir.  It's just...
 1113%Jefferson: No one ever comes to see me.  I don't blame them.  I never did
 1113%           anything important.  Just the Declaration of Independence,
 1113%           the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter...
 1113%Lisa:      Uh, maybe I should be going.  I've caught you at a bad time...
 1113%           [leaves]
 1113%Jefferson: Wait!  Please don't go.  I get so lonely...
 1113%-- Talking heads, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1114%Page:    Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest.
 1114%Senator: Please, son, I'm very busy.
 1114%Page:    A little girl is losing faith in democracy!
 1114%Senator: Good Lord!
 1114%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1115%Speaker:  We now vote on House bill 1022, the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
 1115%Representative:  Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we
 1115%    tack on a pay raise for ourselves?
 1115%All:      No!
 1115%-- Heed my quips...  ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1116%When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no
 1116%English and had no money in our pockets.  Today, we own a nationwide
 1116%chain of wheel-balancing centers.  Where else but in America, or
 1116%possible Canada, could our family find such opportunity?  That's why,
 1116%whenever I see the Stars and Stripes, I will always be reminded
 1116%of that wonderful word:  flag!
 1116%-- Trong's award-winning speech, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1117%Imprisoned Congressman Becomes Born-Again Christian
 1117%-- If it's in the paper, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1118%Faith: Will the winning essay be...
 1118%       Bubble On, O Melting Pot,
 1118%       Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady,
 1118%       USA A-OK,
 1118%       or Cesspool on the Potomac?
 1118%Bart: Cesspool!  Cesspool!  Cesspool!  Cesspool!
 1118%-- Awards ceremony, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
 1119%Ahem.  Hello, everyone.  Before last year's Hallowe'en show, I warned you
 1119%not to let your children watch.  But you did anyway.  Mm.  Well, this
 1119%year's episode is even worse.  It's scarier, more violent, and I think
 1119%they snuck in some bad language, too.  So please, tuck in your children
 1119%and... [sighs]  Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not
 1119%going to now.  Enjoy the show.
 1119%-- Marge's second disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1120%And to conclude this Hallowe'en newscast on a scary note... Remember, the
 1120%Presidential primaries are only a few months away.  [chuckles]
 1120%-- Kent Brockman, ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1121%Marge: If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares.
 1121%Bart:  [mouth full of candy]  [sarcasm] Oh yeah, everybody in the family
 1121%       is going to have bad nightmares tonight, ha!
 1121%Lisa:  [more sarcasm] Oh yeah, three bad nightmares.
 1121%Homer: [yet more sarcasm]  I'd like to see that!  Heh heh heh!
 1121%-- Little do they know... ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1122%Homer: What a dump!  Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
 1122%Lisa:  [annoyed]  Dad, that's Monaco.
 1122%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1123%Vendor: Sir, I must strongly advise you:  Do not purchase this.
 1123%        Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune.
 1123%        I, myself, was once president of Algeria.
 1123%Homer:  Come on, pal, I don't want to hear your life story.  Paw me!
 1123%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1124%Marge: Ew, Homer, where did you get that ugly thing?
 1124%Homer: Why, at that little shop right over... there?
 1124%       [all that's left is a gust of wind]  [gasp!]
 1124%       Oh, no, wait, it was over there.
 1124%       [points at the shop]
 1124%-- Sleight of hand, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1125%Marge:   Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say.
 1125%Woman 1: If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear, I'm going
 1125%         to scream.
 1125%Woman 2: At first they were cute and funny, but now they are just annoying.
 1125%-- Dame Fortune frowns, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1126%Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes
 1126%would bring grave misfortune.  I thought he was just being colorful.
 1126%-- Homer, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1127%Lisa:  [takes the paw]  I wish for world peace.
 1127%       [the second finger on the paw closes]
 1127%Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you!
 1127%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1128%British ambassador:   Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
 1128%Argentine ambassador: Oh, forget it.  We kind of knew they were yours.
 1128%-- The peace dividend, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1129%People of earth!  We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!
 1129%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1130%Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!
 1130%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1131%Len: They're conking us with a club!
 1131%Man: Wish we'd saved an A-bomb or two...
 1131%-- Green aliens invade, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1132%I'll make a wish that can't backfire.  I wish for a turkey sandwich, on
 1132%rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, <and> I don't want any zombie
 1132%turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any
 1132%other weird surprises.  You got it?
 1132%[the monkey's paw closes its finger in understanding]
 1132%[a turkey sandwich materializes]
 1132%[Homer takes it]  Hey!  [digs in]
 1132%Not bad.  Nice, hot mustard.  Good bread.  The turkey's a little dry.
 1132%[in realization]  The turkey's a little dry!
 1132%Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! [huh?]
 1132%What demon from the depths of hell created thee!
 1132%-- Homer deals with... `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1133%Okily dokily!
 1133%-- Ned Flanders, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1134%Alien 1: It seems the earthlings won.
 1134%Alien 2: Did they?  That board with a nail in it may have defeated us.
 1134%         But the humans won't stop there.  They'll make bigger boards
 1134%         and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail
 1134%         so big, it will destroy them all!
 1134%         [both aliens laugh evilly, for quite some time]
 1134%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1135%Presented for your consideration:  Springfield.  An average little town,
 1135%with a not-so-average monster.
 1135%[townsfolk wander around with nervous smiles, saying, `Happy happy!']
 1135%The people of Springfield have to make sure they think happy thoughts
 1135%and say happy things.  Because this particular monster can read minds.
 1135%and if displeased, can turn people into grotesque walking terrors.
 1135%-- Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1136%And did I mention to you that the monster is a ten-year-old boy?
 1136%[zoom in on Bart]
 1136%Quite a twist, huh?  Bet you didn't see that one coming.
 1136%-- Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1137%Bart:  [sees Snowball 2]  Every day, same old cat.  I'll make it more
 1137%       interesting.  [furrows his brow, turning the cat into a
 1137%       multi-colored fire-breathing whatever]
 1137%Snowball:  Meow.  [fire breath singes the breakfast table.  The cereal
 1137%       box is on fire]
 1137%Bart:  Ah, there.  That's better.
 1137%Marge: Much better.  Oh, good!  The curtains are on fire.
 1137%Homer: [nervously]  It's good that you made that.. awful thing, Bart.
 1137%       It's real good.
 1137%       [Marge hoses down the fire with the fire extinguisher]
 1137%-- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1138%He gets it from your side of the family, you know.  No monsters on <my> side.
 1138%-- Homer to Marge, on Bart's impish powers,
 1138%  `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1139%Well, class the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond
 1139%with Bart's answers on yesterday's test.  [groans from the class]
 1139%America was now discovered in 1942 by ... [consults]  `Some Guy'.
 1139%And our country isn't called America any more.  It's Bonerland.
 1139%-- Ms. Krabappel, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1140%Moe:  [answers the phone]
 1140%      Moe's Tavern. ... Hold on, I'll check.  Uh, hey, everybody!  I'm a stupid
 1140%      moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to
 1140%      kiss my own butt.
 1140%All:  [laugh]
 1140%Barney: Ho ho, that's a good one.
 1140%Moe:  Wait a minute...  [picks up the receiver]
 1140%Bart: [hangs up and laughs]
 1140%Ms.K: [holding the phone, forces a laugh]
 1140%-- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1141%The kick is up!  It's looking good!  The ball is turning into a fat bald
 1141%guy!  [Homer sails through the air (`Aaaaaaaaagh!') and collides with the
 1141%goal post.  (Twanggggg!)]  And it's no good!  And you know what we say
 1141%every time something strange happens!  It's good that Bart did that!  It's
 1141%<very> good!
 1141%-- Football announcer, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1142%[laughs sickly]  Well, we're still on.  Three hundred and forty-six
 1142%consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who... who WON'T LET
 1142%ME STOP!!!  [delirious] Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel
 1142%has any more of those legal over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his!
 1142%-- Krusty's marathon, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1143%Marge: Goodness, what's wrong?
 1143%Bart:  We both had nightmares.
 1143%Lisa:  Can we sleep with you?
 1143%Homer: You both toilet trained?
 1143%Bart and Lisa: [indignantly] Yes!
 1143%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1144%Smithers: [over P.A.]  Attention Homer Simpson.  Attention Homer Simpson.
 1144%Homer:    [still dozing at his post]
 1144%Smithers: Wake up, Homer.
 1144%Homer:    [startles awake]
 1144%Smithers: You're fired.
 1144%Homer:    For what?
 1144%Smithers: For sleeping on the job.
 1144%Homer:    How'd you know I was sleeping?
 1144%Smithers: We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.
 1144%Homer:    Camera?  [spots the camera]  D'oh!
 1144%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1145%Behold!  The greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat o' nine
 1145%tails!  [unveils his Frankenstein monster]
 1145%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1146%Lisa:  [reading the classifieds]  Hey, here's a good job, Dad!
 1146%       Oh, wait, you have to know how to operate an ultrasonic
 1146%       lithotriptor.
 1146%Homer: How hard can it be?
 1146%Bart:  Hey Dad, here's one!  $28/hr, plenty of fresh air, and you
 1146%       get to meet lots of interesting people.
 1146%Homer: Ooh, what job is that?
 1146%Bart:  Grave digger. [laughs evilly]
 1146%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1147%Smithers, get him out quickly.  The stench is overpowering.
 1147%-- Burns finds Homer's ``dead'' body,
 1147%   `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1148%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.  He wasn't exactly a model employee.
 1148%Burns:    Well, who <is> a model [sees Smithers sans skull, just brain]
 1148%          employee....
 1148%Smithers: [panicking]  Uh, Simpson will do just fine, sir.
 1148%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1149%Smithers: You hear that, sir?
 1149%Burns:    No, I didn't.  Who is it?  Frankenstein?  The Booooger Man?
 1149%-- Me and my shadow, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1150%Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir.  I think he's alive.
 1150%Burns:    Oh.  [walks over to it, and thwacks it with a shovel]
 1150%          Bad corpse.  [thwack]  Bad corpse. [thwack]
 1150%          Stop [thwack] scaring [thwack] Smithers! [thwack]
 1150%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1151%Burns:    [saws off the top of Homer's head.  No blood, very clean.
 1151%           The top of Homer's head rolls away.]
 1151%          Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
 1151%Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!
 1151%Burns:    Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
 1151%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1152%It's alive!  Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad.  Well, who's
 1152%mad now!  [laughs diabolically]
 1152%-- Mad Scientist Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1153%Johnny Carson:  [as Karnak] Geraldo Rivera, Madonna, and a diseased yak.
 1153%Ed McMahon:     Ho ho ho ho.
 1153%-- Watching TV, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1154%Lisa:  Mom, what's wrong?
 1154%Marge: It's your father.  He's missing.
 1154%Bart:  Dad's missing?  Get outta here.
 1154%Marge: He's been gone for two days.
 1154%Lisa:  Whaddya know.  She's right.
 1154%-- Familial concern, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1155%I was wrong to play God.  Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with.
 1155%Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet.
 1155%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1156%Smithers: You know what this means?  He <is> alive!
 1156%Burns:    Oh, you're right, Smithers.  I guess I owe you a Coke.
 1156%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1157%And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous
 1157%cog and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it]
 1157%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1158%Every bone ... shattered, organs ... leaking vital fluids ...
 1158%a slight headache ... loss of appetite.  Smithers, I'm going to die.
 1158%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1159%Homer: [wakes up and screams]
 1159%Marge: Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
 1159%Homer: No, Bart bit me.
 1159%Bart:  Hey, man, you were crushing me.  I tried to scream, but my mouth
 1159%       was full of flab.
 1159%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1160%Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads.  Well, my body was
 1160%       crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
 1160%Homer: [trying to stay calm]  I can wake up.  It's all a dream.
 1160%       It's just a dream.
 1160%Burns: Oh, that's right.  It's all a dream... Or is it? [laughs diabolically]
 1160%       [Executive Producer credit appears]
 1160%Announcer:  Next week, on `The Simpsons'...
 1160%       [the breakfast table]
 1160%Lisa:  [puts down the newspaper]  Don't forget, Dad, tonight my class is having
 1160%       an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
 1160%Homer: Mmm...  Spaghetti.
 1160%Burns: [his head attached to Homer's shoulder]  But Homer, tonight's our
 1160%       reception for Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands!
 1160%Homer: Oh, I hate having two heads.
 1160%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
 1161%Bart:  Looks like I've got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge!
 1161%       [hunts through the box of cereal]
 1161%       Hey, it's not in here.  You stole it!
 1161%Lisa:  No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart.
 1161%Homer: [coming in] Hey, look what I got!  A genuine official police badge!
 1161%       ``Calling all cars!  Come out with your hands up!'' Heh heh heh.
 1161%Bart:  Hey, that's my badge, Homer.
 1161%Homer: That's <Officer> Homer!  Hee hee hee hee.
 1161%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1162%You ate my homework!?  I didn't know dogs <really> did that...
 1162%-- Bart to Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1163%Ms.K: Bart Simpson, you're late.  Go fill out a tardy slip.
 1163%Bart: But I'm only five... [looks at the clock]  ten, twenty...
 1163%      Forty minutes!  That's pretty damn late!
 1163%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1164%Lisa:      I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate!
 1164%Wendell?:  I'm going to each chocolate 'til I barf!
 1164%-- Field trip to the chocolate factory, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1165%Principal Skinner:  Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the PTA!
 1165%Bart: You're making me lick envelopes?
 1165%P.S.: Oh, licking envelopes can be fun!  All you have to do is make a game
 1165%      of it.
 1165%Bart: What kind of game?
 1165%P.S.: Well, for example, you could see how many you could lick in an hour,
 1165%      then try to break that record.
 1165%Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me.
 1165%P.S.: Yes, well... Get started.
 1165%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1166%I think this is something Bart would really have enjoyed.
 1166%But it's the only way he'll learn...
 1166%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1167%Welcome to the Chocolate Factory.  I'm Troy McClure!  You probably remember
 1167%me from such films as `The Revenge of Abe Lincoln', and `The Wackiest
 1167%Covered Wagon in the West'.
 1167%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1168%[haunting native American music plays, scene changes to an Aztec pyramid]
 1168%The history of chocolate begins with the ancient Aztecs.
 1168%[see a hand holding an `Ah Fudge' candy bar]
 1168%In those days, instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package,
 1168%chocolate was wrapped in a tobacco leaf.
 1168%[candy bar changes to a coiled tobacco leaf]
 1168%And instead of being pure chocolate, like we have today, it was
 1168%mixed with shredded tobacco.
 1168%[pull back to see a smiling Aztec fellow holding the cigar-shaped tobacco leaf]
 1168%And they didn't eat it, they smoked it!
 1168%[Aztec lights it, takes a puff, and smiles broadly]
 1168%-- Educational film at the chocolate factory, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1169%Tony: Pick a horse, kid.  We're putting two dollars on the third race.
 1169%      Make it a good one.
 1169%Bart: Eat my shorts!
 1169%Tony: Eat My Shorts?  Ah, okay... [consults the racing form]
 1169%      Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk!  Eat My Shorts is
 1169%      in the fifth race!  I said the <third> race!
 1169%Bart: Don't have a cow!
 1169%Tony: Mm.. [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third,
 1169%      put a deuce on him.
 1169%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1170%As they come out of the turn, it's Sufferin' Succotash by a neck over
 1170%Yabba-Dabba-Doo, two lengths back Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks.
 1170%I Yam What I Yam can see them all, but here comes Don't Have a Cow flying on
 1170%the outside, and coming down to the wire, it's all Don't Have a Cow!
 1170%-- The third race, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1171%Homer: How much does it pay?
 1171%Bart:  Thirty bucks a week!
 1171%Homer: Pfft!  I make more than that.
 1171%-- Bart gets a part-time job, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1172%It's funny because it's true.
 1172%-- Fat Tony, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1173%Fat Tony:     Chief Wiggum!  You honor us with your presence.
 1173%Chief Wiggum: Baloney!  I'm not going to rest until one of us is behind bars.
 1173%              You!  You wouldn't happen to know anything about a cigarette
 1173%              truck that got hijacked on Route 401?
 1173%Fat Tony:     What's a truck?
 1173%Chief Wiggum: Don't play dumb with me!
 1173%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1174%Wiggum: Let me assure all you smokers out there that there is <no>
 1174%        shortage of cigarettes.
 1174%Reporter: [shouts]  How do we know that?
 1174%Wiggum: Um, let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, Laramie Tobacco
 1174%        Products.  Jack?
 1174%Jack:   Thank you, Chief.  Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload
 1174%        of Laramie's, with their smoooooth good taste of fresh tobacco
 1174%        flavor is already heading towards Springfield.  The driver <has> been
 1174%        instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks. [all cheer]
 1174%-- Press conference, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1175%Lisa: [somewhat shocked] Bart, is your boss a crook?
 1175%Bart: I don't think so.  Although it would explain an awful lot.
 1175%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1176%Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
 1176%Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving
 1176%      family?
 1176%Bart: No.
 1176%Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family.  Is it wrong to steal
 1176%      a truckload of bread to feed them?
 1176%Bart: Uh uh.
 1176%Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread?  They like... cigarettes?
 1176%Bart: I guess that's okay.
 1176%Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price
 1176%      that was practically giving them away.  Would that be a crime, Bart?
 1176%Bart: Hell, no!
 1176%Tony: Enjoy your gift.
 1176%-- What if he puts jelly on it?  ``Bart the Murderer''
 1177%Give me three fingers of milk, Ma.
 1177%-- Bart, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1178%Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for.
 1178%       I think they're criminals.
 1178%Homer: A job's a job.  I mean, take me.  If my plant pollutes the water
 1178%       and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
 1178%-- Guilt by association?  ``Bart the Murderer''
 1179%Marge: That pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for
 1179%       two weeks.  [looking at a pizza delivery truck conspicuously
 1179%       equipped with a satellite dish]
 1179%[inside the truck, loaded with electronic snooping equipment]
 1179%Marge's voice:  How long does it take to deliver a pizza?
 1179%Man 1: Looks like our cover's blown.
 1179%Man 2: Let's roll.  [the truck speeds off]
 1179%[back in the bedroom]
 1179%Homer: See?  It was all your imagination.
 1179%[another truck pulls into the spot that was vacated.  The sign painted
 1179% on the side?   Flowers
 1179%                By
 1179%                Irene]
 1179%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1180%Homer: [playing poker]
 1180%       Heh heh!  Read 'em and weep, boys.  Another pair of sixes!
 1180%Tony:  [folding with four aces]  Beats me.
 1180%Man:   I was... bluffing.
 1180%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1181%Tony:  I am thrilled you decided to let your boy continue to work here.
 1181%Homer: You know, if you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter.
 1181%Tony:  Homer, you're a helluva father.
 1181%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1182%Secretary: Some large men to see you, sir.
 1182%Skinner:   Um, I don't have any appointment with any large men.
 1182%           [Fat Tony and two heavies come in]
 1182%Fat Tony:  You Skinner?
 1182%Skinner:   <Principal> Skinner, yes.  And how, may I ask, did you get
 1182%           past the hall monitors?
 1182%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1183%I can assure you that we're using the most advanced scientific techniques
 1183%in the field of... [searching for the word]  body-finding.
 1183%-- Police Chief Wiggum's briefing, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1184%Gypsy:  [roaming her hands over a picture of Skinner]
 1184%        I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy.
 1184%Wiggum: Please, Princess Opal, if we could just stick to Principal Skinner.
 1184%Gypsy:  Chief Wiggum, I am merely a conduit for the spirits.
 1184%        [gasp]  Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming
 1184%        the English Channel.
 1184%Wiggum: Really?  Willie Nelson?
 1184%-- Would she lie to you?  ``Bart the Murderer''
 1185%Lewis:    [covered in leaves]  Hey, look at me.  I'm Skinner's body!
 1185%Bart:     That is not funny, Lewis.
 1185%Milhouse: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
 1185%Student:  Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us
 1185%          at lunch.
 1185%Nelson:   I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
 1185%Bart:     That's not true!  It's just a rumor.  You're engaged in speculation.
 1185%          I know the law, you can't prove anything.
 1185%-- He was like that when I got there.  ``Bart the Murderer''
 1186%Bart: Reverend Lovejoy!  You've come to comfort me?
 1186%Rev.: Yes, Bart.  [pats Bart]  [emotionlessly]  There there.
 1186%      [pats some more]  There there.
 1186%-- An enormous help, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1187%Bart: Did you kill my principal?
 1187%Tony: Uh, Chinese guy with a moustache?
 1187%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1188%Oh Bart, why couldn't you have gotten a paper route like other boys?
 1188%-- Marge, when Bart is arrested for murder, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1189%Bart: What's that guy doing here?
 1189%Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney.  I'll be defending you against
 1189%      charges of... [reads the deposition]  Murder One!  Wow!  Even if
 1189%      I <lose>, I'll be famous!
 1189%-- Inherit the Windbag, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1190%Smithers: That Simpsons boy is looking at 180 years.
 1190%Burns:    Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a
 1190%          ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult.
 1190%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1191%Tony: I didn't order this Skinner guy killed...
 1191%D.A.: But aren't you the head of this gang?
 1191%Tony: No.  I just stop by the club occasionally to read the complimentary
 1191%      newspaper.
 1191%D.A.: Then who is the kingpin, the [jargon I can't make out]
 1191%Tony: That's the guy!  [fingers Bart]
 1191%All:  [gasp]
 1191%Bart: Hey!
 1191%Tony: Forgive me, Don Bartholomew.
 1191%-- Is... ``Bart the Murderer''
 1192%Hutz:  Mr. Simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years.
 1192%       Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous
 1192%       criminal syndicate?
 1192%Homer: Well, not the leader, I mean...  [cries]  Oh, it's true, it's true!
 1192%       All the pieces fit! [bawls]
 1192%-- Is... ``Bart the Murderer''
 1193%Now, in light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your
 1193%father, your teachers, and the seemingly endless parade of emotionally
 1193%shattered babysitters...
 1193%-- The Judge's summing-up, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1194%Wiggum: Find anything this time, boys?
 1194%Cop:    Uh, no sign of him, Chief.
 1194%Wiggum: Princess Opal?
 1194%Opal:   I see nothing here, but I'm afraid it's splitsville for Delta
 1194%        Burke and Major Dad.
 1194%Wiggum: But they seem so happy!
 1194%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1195%Judge: Case dismissed!
 1195%Hutz:  Your honor... Do I still get paid?
 1195%-- Pro bono pocketo, ``Bart the Murderer''
 1196%Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings.
 1196%Bart: Get bent.
 1196%Tony: I deserved that.
 1196%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1197%Tony: Me and the boys, we still think you got a big future in racketeering
 1197%      and extortion.
 1197%Bart: Sorry, Fat Tony.  I used to think your gang was cool.  But now
 1197%      I learned that crime doesn't pay.
 1197%Tony: Yeah, you're right.  [leaves in his expensive limo, complete with
 1197%      pretty woman]
 1197%-- Do as I say... ``Bart the Murderer''
 1198%Announcer:  Blood on the Blackboard!  The Bart Simpson story!
 1198%    Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Montegna
 1198%    as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, and TV's Doogie
 1198%    Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson!
 1198%`Tony':  Bart, I'm scared.  Let's get out of here.
 1198%`Bart':  Shut up!  Where do you want it, Skinner?
 1198%`Skinner':  [spits on him]
 1198%`Bart':  Not smart.  [pumps him full of lead]
 1198%Bart:  Cool!
 1198%Homer: Hey, when do we get the check for this?
 1198%Marge: Well, they said they changed it just enough so they don't have to
 1198%       pay us.
 1198%Homer: Oh, you know who the <real> crooks are?  Those sleazy Hollywood
 1198%       producers!
 1198%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
 1199%Homer: Here's good news!  According to this eye-catching article,
 1199%       SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
 1199%Lisa:  Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs,
 1199%       factoids and Larry King.
 1199%Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell
 1199%       the truth, that everything is just fine.
 1199%-- Reading US of A TODAY, ``Homer Defined''
 1200%Bart: [inscribing a card]
 1200%      ``To me bestest bud, Milhouse.  Happy Birthday.  Bart.''
 1200%Lisa: Bart, that's so sweet.  May I see the card?  [reads]  ``Hey there,
 1200%      ten-year-old!  I couldn't afford to get you a new drum...''
 1200%      [opens the card, revealing a picture of a well-endowed woman]
 1200%      [reading with lost enthusiasm]  ``So how about a nice pair of
 1200%      bongos''?  Ewww...
 1200%-- Amen, sister, ``Homer Defined''
 1201%They're official Krusty the Clown walkie-talkies!
 1201%I'll keep one and you keep one.
 1201%Now, whenever you want to talk to me, just call me on the phone
 1201%and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie.
 1201%-- Bart, explaining his gift to Milhouse, ``Homer Defined''
 1202%Martin:   Milhouse, I'd like to express my appreciation for Saturday.
 1202%          Jelly bean basket, personalized noisemakers.
 1202%          But the little touches are what made it enduring!
 1202%Bart:     What's he talking about?
 1202%Milhouse: Uh... Hey!  Look at that dog!  Isn't that something!
 1202%Bart:     [sees a rather plain dog] Wow, brown!
 1202%-- How to change the subject, method 3.  ``Homer Defined''
 1203%Whoa, Springfield Elementary, last stop!
 1203%Oh, and by the way, I'd like to say Thanks, and applose[?] applause to
 1203%birthday boy Milhouse for his totally bitchin' party on Saturday!
 1203%Oh, and Milhouse, I think I left my pants on your roof.
 1203%-- Otto's announcement (emergencies only), ``Homer Defined''
 1204%Bye, little dudes!  Don't learn anything I wouldn't learn!
 1204%-- Otto drops the kids off at school, ``Homer Defined''
 1205%Burns:    So, what did you do this weekend, Smithers?
 1205%Smithers: Well, I caught up on my laundry, wrote a letter to my mother,
 1205%          oh, here a kicker, and I took Hercules out to be clipped.
 1205%Burns:    Who the devil is Hercules?
 1205%Smithers: Oh, he's my Yorkshire terrier, sir.  He's kind of tiny, so you
 1205%          know, it's a joke.  Here's a picture of Herky. [shows a wallet
 1205%          photo]
 1205%Burns:    Ugh.  Well, Smithers, don't you know how to paint the town red!
 1205%-- Hercules and the Lion?  ``Homer Defined''
 1206%Burns:    I took in a movie.  An appalling little piece of filth.
 1206%          Its leading lady was a blonde harlot who spent half the
 1206%          film strolling around naked as a jaybird!
 1206%Smithers: [gasp]
 1206%Burns:    No, just give the Great Unwashed a pair of oversized breasts
 1206%          and a happy ending, and they'll oink for more every time.
 1206%[Homer talking with his coworkers]
 1206%Homer:   What a movie!  And that blonde cutie!  Does she have assets! [oinks]
 1206%-- Wallowing in filth, ``Homer Defined''
 1207%[poking at each jelly donut in turn]
 1207%[poke]  Igh, lemon.  [poke]  Ugh, cherry.  [poke]  Ooh, custard.
 1207%[poke]  Mmmmm.... purple...
 1207%-- Homer, enjoying the finer things in life, ``Homer Defined''
 1208%Apu:  Otto, do you know there's a small child inside your bus?
 1208%Otto: [sees Bart] Ooh, good thing you warned me.  I was on my way to Mexico!
 1208%-- Tijuana Schoolbus, ``Homer Defined''
 1209%Voice:    Warning... Problem in Sector 7-G.
 1209%Burns:    7-G?  Good God, who's the safety inspector there?
 1209%Smithers: [calls up a video file photo of a hairful Homer]
 1209%          Homer Simpson, sir.
 1209%Burns:    Simpson, eh?  Good man?  Intelligent?
 1209%Smithers: [reluctantly]  Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
 1209%Burns:    [sarcastically]  Thank you, President Ford.
 1209%-- Quality is Job One, ``Homer Defined''
 1210%Homer: [waking up to the sound of loud rhythmic buzzing]
 1210%       Huh? ... Noise! ... Bad noise!
 1210%Voice: [calmly] Five minutes before critical mass...
 1210%Homer: Critical what!?  [trying to calm down]
 1210%       Okay, okay, don't panic, whosever problem this is, I'm sure they
 1210%       know how to handle it...  [the jelly covering the dial pops off]
 1210%       Huh?  Aaagh!!  It's <my> problem!!!  We're doomed!!!!
 1210%Voice: [as steel doors seal off the safety control room]
 1210%       [calmly] Sector 7-G is now being isolated...
 1210%-- It has been our pleasure to serve you, ``Homer Defined''
 1211%You know, once, my old lady ran off and married my brother.
 1211%Well, it hurt, but here it is a month later, and I'm sleeping on
 1211%their couch!
 1211%-- Otto-Man, ``Homer Defined''
 1212%Announcer: We interrupt `Search for the Sun' for this special news bulletin.
 1212%           Meltdown Crisis:  The First Couple of Minutes.
 1212%Brockman:  [surrounded by comb and hair dryer]  Forget the hair, just give
 1212%           me the blush!  [realizes the cameras are on him]  Oh, we're on.
 1212%-- Ready for anything, ``Homer Defined''
 1213%Kent:  On the line with us now is plant owner C. Montgomery Burns.  Mr. Burns?
 1213%Burns: Oh, hello, Kent.  [as loud rhythmic buzzing continues in the background]
 1213%       Right now, skilled nuclear energy technicians are calmly correcting
 1213%       a minor, piffling malfunction.  [rapid-fire shots of havoc in the plant]
 1213%       But I can assure you and the public that there is absolutely no danger
 1213%       whatsoever.  [air raid siren wails]  Things couldn't be more ship-shape.
 1213%       [cut to Burns' office, where he is busy donning a radiation suit]
 1213%Smithers:  Sir, where is <my> radiation suit?
 1213%Burns: How the hell should I know?  [covers the name `Smithers' on the suit
 1213%       he is wearing]
 1213%Kent:  Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
 1213%Burns: [laughs] Oh, meltdown.  It's one of those annoying buzzwords.  We prefer
 1213%       to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
 1213%-- Obfuscatory sesquipedalianism, ``Homer Defined''
 1214%Homer: [panicking, as warning sirens wail]  Gotta think, gotta think...
 1214%       Okay, somewhere there's a thingie that tells you how to work this
 1214%       stuff.  The uh, the uh, the manual!  The manual!  Right!
 1214%       [hunts under the console] [finds it]
 1214%       Agh!  It's as fat as a phone book!  [opens to first page]  [reads]
 1214%       `Congratulations on your purchase of a Fissionator 1952 Slow-Fission
 1214%       Reactor'...  D'oh!  Get to the point, man!  [finds an insert]
 1214%       Ooh, what's this?  [unfolds it, it's a giant schematic]
 1214%       D'oh!  Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated!
 1214%-- Everything is under control, sort of, ``Homer Defined''
 1215%Voice:    [cheerfully] Ninety seconds to core meltdown.
 1215%Smithers: Sir, there may be never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
 1215%Burn:     [disgusted]  Oh, hot dog.  Thank you for making my last few moment
 1215%          on earth socially awkward.
 1215%-- The moment of truth, ``Homer Defined''
 1216%Moe:    Looks like this is the end...
 1216%Barney: Oh, that's all right.  I couldn'ta led a richer life.
 1216%-- Core meltdown is imminent, ``Homer Defined''
 1217%Kent:   After the meltdown, we can expect roving bands of...
 1217%Abe:    Ah, I don't like this program.
 1217%Jasper: Change the channel.
 1217%        [woman does so]
 1217%TV:     Wheel!  Of!  Fortune!!
 1217%-- Dame Fortune smiles, ``Homer Defined''
 1218%Marge: [praying]  Dear Lord.  If you spare this town from becoming
 1218%       a smoking hole in the ground, I'll try to be a better Christian.
 1218%       I don't know what I can do... Mm... Oh, the next time there's
 1218%       a canned food drive, I'll give the poor something they'd actually
 1218%       like, instead of old lima beans and pumpkin mix.
 1218%-- Throw in a coupla Hail Mary's and we might have a deal, ``Homer Defined''
 1219%Homer:   Okay okay, think back to your training...
 1219%         [begin flashback]
 1219%Trainer: Now, Homer, this may very well save your life one day.
 1219%         This... Homer?
 1219%Homer:   [playing with a Rubik's cube]  Yeah?
 1219%Trainer: Please pay attention.  This button here controls the emergency
 1219%         override circuit.  In the event of a meltdown, push this button
 1219%         and only this button.
 1219%Homer:   [completing a side of the cube]  Ooh, a side!
 1219%Trainer: Simpson!
 1219%Homer:   What?
 1219%Trainer: You see which button I'm pushing?
 1219%Homer:   [not looking]  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Push the button.  Got it.
 1219%         [end flashback]
 1219%         This is all your fault!  [throws Rubik's cube away]
 1219%-- Well, at least he remembered the general idea, ``Homer Defined''
 1220%Voice:    [pleasantly]  Thirty seconds to core meltdown.
 1220%Burns:    Oh, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left but to kiss
 1220%          my sorry butt good-bye.
 1220%Smithers: May I, sir?
 1220%Burns:    Ugh.
 1220%-- Just asking, ``Homer Defined''
 1221%Prof. John Fink:  [indicating on a map]  These unfortunate people here will
 1221%       be instantly killed.  [indicating]  This circle, which I am sad to say
 1221%       we are in, will experience a slower, considerably more painful death.
 1221%Kent:  Good Lord!
 1221%-- Analyzed to death?  ``Homer Defined''
 1222%Skinner:  They called me old-fashioned for teaching the duck-and-cover
 1222%    method, but who's laughing now!
 1222%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1223%Voice:  All systems returning to normal.  Danger in 7-G neutralized.
 1223%        Have a nice day.
 1223%-- It's been a pleasure serving you, ``Homer Defined''
 1224%Man:   [emerges from closet, fixing his tie]
 1224%Woman: Will I ever see you again?
 1224%Man:   Sure, baby.  Next meltdown.
 1224%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1225%TV:   I'd like to solve the puzzle.  `Three Loins in the Fountain'.  [buzz]
 1225%-- Wheel of Misfortune, ``Homer Defined''
 1226%Burns:  [voice only]
 1226%        Yes, we've isolated the problem.  Wouldn't you know, false alarm.
 1226%Marge:  Phew!
 1226%Burns:  It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system.
 1226%Kent:   Very good.  Well, sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well-taken.
 1226%        This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant
 1226%        in the future.
 1226%Burns:  [in his office, still wearing his radiation suit]
 1226%        Excellent.  Well, ta!
 1226%-- Hardly a post-apocalyptic war zone, ``Homer Defined''
 1227%Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend any more.
 1227%          That's why you couldn't come to the party.
 1227%Bart:     What's she got against me?
 1227%Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence.
 1227%Bart:     [slams his hand on the table]  Bad influence, my ass!
 1227%          How many times have I told you?  Never listen to your mother!
 1227%-- What he said, ``Homer Defined''
 1228%Karl:  Hey, way to save our lives!
 1228%Len:   Yeah, we owe you one!
 1228%Homer: Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman.
 1228%       You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
 1228%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1229%Burns: Oh, and what's this?  A congratulatory phone call from Earvin
 1229%       `Magic' Johnson?
 1229%Homer: [gasps]  Magic Johnson!?  [picks up the phone]  Yello?
 1229%Magic: [calling from the arena]  Is this really Homer Simpson?
 1229%Homer: Yeah.
 1229%Magic: Wow.  Homer, I just used our last time-out to call and congratulate
 1229%       you on averting that nuclear holocaust.
 1229%-- On his way to Disneyland, ``Homer Defined''
 1230%Lisa: [laughing at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon]
 1230%      Bart, you're not laughing.  Too subtle?
 1230%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1231%Marge: [reading the plaque]  For heroic competence, for narrowly
 1231%       averting a meltdown, and proving without question that
 1231%       nuclear power is completely safe.  Employee of the Month!
 1231%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1232%A role model in my very own home.  How convenient!
 1232%-- Lisa, ``Homer Defined''
 1233%Homer: Look, I get enough admiration and respect at work!
 1233%       I don't need it here at home!
 1233%-- No argument from Bart, ``Homer Defined''
 1234%Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
 1234%Homer: Tastes so bitter, it's like ashes in my mouth...
 1234%Marge: Hm.  It's actually more of a honey glaze.
 1234%Lisa:  Maybe you ate a clove.
 1234%-- Marge and Lisa uncharacteristically miss a metaphor, ``Homer Defined''
 1235%Homer: [angrily] What's <your> problem, boy?
 1235%Bart:  I had a fight with Milhouse.
 1235%Homer: That four-eyes with a big nose?  You don't need friends like that.
 1235%Lisa:  How Zen...
 1235%-- Dinner conversation, ``Homer Defined''
 1236%Homer: What is it?  What are you doing?
 1236%Lisa:  Looking at you with quiet awe.
 1236%Homer: Well, as long as it's quiet.
 1236%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1237%Burns:  Ah, Simpson, here's someone I want you to meet.
 1237%        Aristotle Amodopoulos, owner of the Shelbyville Nuclear Power
 1237%        Facility.  It seems Ari's been having terrible worker
 1237%        problems at Shelbyville.
 1237%Ari:    They've lost their zest for work.  You must help them find their
 1237%        ine-haratu-nadzu-leri [or whatever].
 1237%Homer:  Their ine-aratu-zoola-what?
 1237%Ari:    Yes!
 1237%-- Just checking, ``Homer Defined''
 1238%We want you to give them a pep talk that turns them from a bunch of
 1238%donut-eating goof-offs into a pack of Homer Simpsons!
 1238%-- Burns seems to have missed the point, ``Homer Defined'
 1239%Maggie: [playing Monopoly with Bart]
 1239%        [removes her pacifier, coughs up a hotel]
 1239%Marge:  Bart, don't feed your sister hotels.
 1239%Bart:   [holding up the box]  Don't worry, Mom.  There's tons of these things.
 1239%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1240%Marge: Why don't you go play with Milhouse?
 1240%Bart:  I don't want to play with Milhouse.
 1240%Marge: You mean you still haven't made up with him?
 1240%Bart:  It's his mom.  She says I'm a bad influence.
 1240%       [takes Maggie's hand]  Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that
 1240%       hornet's nest.
 1240%Marge: Mmm...
 1240%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1241%Marge: Mrs. Van Houten?  I'm Bart's mother.  We met in the emergency room
 1241%       when the boys drank paint?
 1241%Mrs.V: I remember.
 1241%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1242%Marge: I know Bart can be a handful, but I also know what he's like inside.
 1242%       He's got a spark.  It's not a bad thing.  ... Of course, it makes
 1242%       him <do> bad things...
 1242%Mrs.V: Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf `sucks'.
 1242%       He must've gotten that from your little boy, because they
 1242%       certainly <don't> say that on TV.
 1242%-- Of course, ``Homer Defined''
 1243%Barney: So next time somebody tells you carney folk are good, honest people,
 1243%        you can spit in their faces for me!
 1243%Lisa:   I will, Mr. Gumbel, but if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad
 1243%        for the school paper.  I thought it would be neat to follow him around
 1243%        for a day to see what makes him tick.
 1243%Barney: Aw, that's sweet.  I used to follow my dad to a lot of bars, too.
 1243%        [belch]
 1243%-- ``Homer Defined''
 1244%Moe:  Here you go, one beer [sets it in front of Lisa].  One chocolate
 1244%      milk. [sets it in front of Homer]
 1244%Lisa: Uh, excuse me, <I> had the chocolate milk.
 1244%Moe:  Oh.
 1244%-- They're so hard to tell apart, ``Homer Defined''
 1245%What's the matter, Homer?  The depressing effects of alcohol usually
 1245%don't kick in 'til closing time.
 1245%-- Moe, ``Homer Defined''
 1246%Lisa:  He's just a little nervous.  He has to give a speech tomorrow on
 1246%       how to keep cool in a crisis.
 1246%Homer: [shaking Lisa in a panic]  What am I going to do!?
 1246%       What am I going to do!?
 1246%-- You could see that gag coming, couldn't you?  ``Homer Defined''
 1247%Barney: I had to give a speech once.  I was pretty nervous, so I used a
 1247%        little trick.  I picture everyone in their underwear.
 1247%        The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.
 1247%Homer:  Did it work?
 1247%Barney: I'm a free man, ain't I?
 1247%-- A mixed blessing, ``Homer Defined''
 1248%Milhouse: [on the walkie talkie]  Milhouse to Bart.  Do you want to come
 1248%          over and play?
 1248%Bart:     Really?  We can be friends again?  Did your mom die?
 1248%Milhouse: Um, I don't think so.
 1248%Bart:     Well, who cares.
 1248%-- Would you like to check?  ``Homer Defined''
 1249%As I look out into this sea of smiling faces, I am filled with a sense of
 1249%[suddenly turns nasty] loathing and revulsion!  You are not workers!  You
 1249%are a pack of mangy, cud-chewing, ugly goats!
 1249%-- Aristotle Amodopoulos gives his employees a pep talk, ``Homer Defined''
 1250%Homer: [nervously reading a speech]  Grace under pressure is no...
 1250%Voice: [sirens wail]  Three minutes to meltdown.
 1250%       [the auditorium empties in a panic]
 1250%Homer: Phew!  Saved by the bell.
 1250%-- Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ``Homer Defined''
 1251%Crisis has been averted.  Everything is super.
 1251%-- Computer announcement, ``Homer Defined''
 1252%Eenie meenie miney moe.
 1252%Is Homer a hero?  The answer is, `No'.
 1252%I'm Kent Brockman, and that was `My Two Cents'.
 1252%-- A brief editorial, ``Homer Defined''
 1253%Bart:     Okay, Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you
 1253%          down for?
 1253%Milhouse: A hundred!
 1253%Bart:     Consider it done.
 1253%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1254%Dear Krusty:  This is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302, respectfully
 1254%returning his badge.  I always suspected that nothing in life mattered.
 1254%Now I know for sure.  Get bent!  -- Bart Simpson
 1254%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1255%Krusty: [dials 1-900-SEX-CHAT]
 1255%Voice:  You've reached the Party Line!  In a moment, you'll be connected to
 1255%        a hot party, with some of the world's most beautiful women!  Now,
 1255%        let's join the party!
 1255%        [five-way split screen, showing five men]
 1255%Krusty: Hello?
 1255%Man 1:  Hello?
 1255%Man 2:  Hello?
 1255%Apu:    Are there any women here?
 1255%Krusty: Hello!?
 1255%Apu:    Are you a beautiful woman?
 1255%Krusty: [angrily] Do I sound like a beautiful woman?
 1255%Apu:    This is not as hot a party as I anticipated.
 1255%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1256%Marge: [gently reminding] Bart, wipe your feet.
 1256%Bart:  Why bother?  They'll just get dirty again.
 1256%-- A different point of view, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1257%[a rap at the door in the `Shave and a Haircut' rhythm, with horn honks
 1257% and Krusty's laugh in place of `Two Bits'.]
 1257%Homer: You think it's him?
 1257%-- Waiting for Krusty, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1258%Krusty: [entertaining the family by riding a unicycle while balancing
 1258%         a plant on his nose]
 1258%Bart:   Krusty, you don't have to be `on' tonight.
 1258%Homer:  What are you talking about!  Of course he does!
 1258%Lisa:   No Dad, Krusty is our guest.  Your pratfalls and Punchinello
 1258%        antics aren't necessary here.
 1258%Krusty: Really?
 1258%Bart:   Yeah, just relax and be yourself.
 1258%Krusty: Oh, that's a relief.  [gets down from unicycle, removes plant from
 1258%        nose (revealing that it was attached via suction cup), and releasing a
 1258%        chimp on roller skates]  Go wait in the car.  [the chimp skates away]
 1258%Homer:  Aw, we could have seen the monkey!
 1258%-- To complement the baboon, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1259%Marge:    Who wants to say Grace?
 1259%Lisa:     Why don't we let our guest do it?
 1259%Milhouse: Bless us O Lord...
 1259%Bart:     [whaps Milhouse]
 1259%Milhouse: Hey!  [rubs his ample nose]
 1259%-- My Dinner with Krusty, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1260%Krusty: [saying a pre-meal blessing]
 1260%        Baruch atah adonai,
 1260%        eloheinu, melech ha'olam,
 1260%        hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz.
 1260%Homer:  Hee hee hee hee hee!  He's talking funny-talk!
 1260%Lisa:   No Dad, that's Hebrew!  Krusty must be Jewish.
 1260%Homer:  A Jewish entertainer?  Get out of here!
 1260%Lisa:   Dad, there are many prominent Jewish entertainers, including
 1260%        Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks.
 1260%Homer:  Mel Brooks is Jewish!?!
 1260%-- Who would've known?  ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1261%Bart:   Krusty, are you all right?
 1261%Krusty: Yes, it's just that saying the bracha brings back a lot of
 1261%        painful memories, the old days, my... my father... [bawls]
 1261%Homer:  Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meatloaf or what?
 1261%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1262%Poor Krusty.  He's like a black velvet painting come to life.
 1262%-- Lisa, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1263%My name isn't Krusty the Klown.  It's Herschel Krustofsky.  My father was
 1263%a rabbi.  <His> father was a rabbi.  His father's fath---  Well, you get
 1263%the idea.
 1263%-- Big shoes to fill with small feet (like all good-hearted people),
 1263%   ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1264%Man 1:   Should I finish college?
 1264%Rabbi K: Yes.  No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.
 1264%Woman:   [babe in arms]  Rabbi, should I have another child?
 1264%Rabbi K: Yes.  Another child would be a blessing on your house.
 1264%Man 2:   Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
 1264%Rabbi K: Eh, couldn't you rephrase that as a, as an ethical question?
 1264%Man 2:   Um...  Is it right to buy a Chrysler?
 1264%Rabbi K: Oh, yes!  [chuckles]  For great is the car with power steering
 1264%         and dynaflow suspension!
 1264%-- It is written... ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1265%Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
 1265%Bart:  Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
 1265%Homer: Why you little! [strangles Bart]
 1265%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1266%Rabbi K: You know that my son Herschel was first in his yeshiva class?
 1266%         As a matter of fact, he was voted `The most likely to hear God'.
 1266%Rabbi 2: Oh, go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again, you're so proud of
 1266%         your son.
 1266%Rabbi K: A rabbi would never exaggerate!  A rabbi composes.  He creates
 1266%         thoughts.  He tells stories that may never have happened.
 1266%         But he does not exaggerate!
 1266%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1267%Oy vey's mir!  You have brought shame on our family!
 1267%Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer, this I could forgive.
 1267%-- Rabbi Krustofsky to his son the clown, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1268%Bart:   Krusty, do you think about your father a lot?
 1268%Krusty: All the time.  Except when I'm at the track.  Then it's all business.
 1268%-- Keeping those emotions in check, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1269%Krusty:   So, uh, Milhouse, know any knock-knock jokes?
 1269%Milhouse: [crying] I want to go home!
 1269%-- The clown who came to dinner, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1270%Announcer:  Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to...
 1270%            Hercules vs. the Martians!
 1270%Martian:    Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules.  Hahahaha.
 1270%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1271%Rabbi K: [answering the phone]  Hello.  Hello?  Anybody there?
 1271%    What's this, I hear the phone ring, and suddenly there's nothing.
 1271%    I'm listening and there's no talking.  Hello, mister, who are you?
 1271%    Why would they call if they don't want to talk to you? [hangs up]
 1271%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1272%Didn't Itchy Junior look happy playing with his father?  And didn't Scratchy
 1272%Junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher?
 1272%-- Krusty asks the kids, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1273%A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.
 1273%-- Lisa Simpson on Krusty the Klown, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1274%Bart:  Reverend Lovejoy, we need you to help us find a rabbi.
 1274%Rev.L: [flustered] Well, um, before you make any rash decisions, let me
 1274%       just remind you that the church is changing to meet the needs
 1274%       of today's young Christians!
 1274%-- Church Chat, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1275%Lisa:  We just want to find a Rabbi Krustofsky.
 1275%Rev.L: Rabbi Krustofsky?  Well, I do a radio call-in show with him every
 1275%       Sunday night!
 1275%Bart:  Really?
 1275%Lisa:  I didn't know that.
 1275%Rev.L: Gee, uh, I mention it in my sermon every week.
 1275%Bart:  [false realization]  Oh, oh, <that> radio show!
 1275%Lisa:  [playing along]  Oh yeah!  It's all the kids talk about on Monday at
 1275%       school.
 1275%-- Church Chat, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1276%Bart:  Can you give us the rabbi's address?
 1276%Rev.L: Oh, sure thing.  Let me just check my non-Christian rolodex...
 1276%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1277%Lisa:    Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky?
 1277%Rabbi K: Oh, what can I do for you, my young friend?
 1277%Bart:    We came to talk to you about your son.
 1277%Rabbi K: I have no son!  [slams the door]
 1277%Bart:    Oh great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
 1277%Rabbi K: [opens the door]  I didn't mean that literally!  [slams the door]
 1277%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1278%And, in order to keep our broadcasting licence, we devote Sunday night
 1278%dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.
 1278%-- It's funny 'cause it's true, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1279%Gabbin' about God, sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say,
 1279%``If we don't got it, it ain't holy.''
 1279%-- Or kosher, as appropriate, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1280%Announcer: And our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.
 1280%Caller:    Yes, hi.  With all the suffering and injustice in the world,
 1280%           do you ever wonder if God really exists?
 1280%Rev. L:    No.
 1280%Msgr. D:   [Irish accent] Not for a second.
 1280%Rabbi K:   Not at all.
 1280%Announcer: Great, good conversation there.  Our next call...
 1280%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1281%Rabbi K: Hello?  Anybody there?  I hear breathing but I don't hear talking.
 1281%         What's going on here?  Hello, mister?  Hello, hello?
 1281%Krusty:  [sighs, hangs up]
 1281%Rabbi K: Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up.
 1281%         There's all kinds of mishegoyim in the world.
 1281%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1282%Bart:      Hello, my name's Dmitri.  I'm a first-time caller, long-time
 1282%           listener.  My question is, if a son defies his father and chooses
 1282%           a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the
 1282%           father forgive the son?
 1282%Rev. L:    I think so.
 1282%Msgr. D:   Yes, of course.
 1282%Rabbi K:   No way!  Absolutely not!  Never, never!  Who screens these calls?
 1282%           Who's in charge here?  There's nobody in charge?  They leave
 1282%           a building without people watching it, and anybody who wants can...
 1282%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1283%Bart: Oy!  This guy's tough.
 1283%Lisa: Bart, we're going to have to outsmart him.
 1283%Bart: I dunno, he's pretty sharp.  He saw right through this disguise.
 1283%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1284%Rabbi K: [answers phone]  What?  Saul Bellow?  The Nobel-prize-winning
 1284%         Jewish novelist?  He wants to have lunch with me?
 1284%         Ha ha!  It's a date!  Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there!
 1284%Krusty:  [on the phone]  The French government wants to give <me>
 1284%         the Legion of Honor?  Where do I receive this prestigious
 1284%         award?  [writes]  Izzy's Deli.  One o'clock.  [puts pencil
 1284%         down]  Thank you, Monsieur President!
 1284%Bart:    [holding his nose]  Au revoir!
 1284%-- Heeding the call, or, Many are called... ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1285%Waitress: And for you, sir?
 1285%Rabbi K:  Ah, let's see.  I want a nice sandwich.  But the Joey Bishop,
 1285%          eh, too fatty.  the Jackie Mason?  I dunno, sauerkraut makes me
 1285%          gas.  Bruce Willis?  I don't even like his work!  What is this?
 1285%          Krusty the Klown?
 1285%Waitress: That's ham, sausage, and bacon, with a smidge of mayo.
 1285%Rabbi K:  What!?
 1285%Waitress: On white bread.
 1285%-- Izzy's Deli, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1286%Krusty:   [humming the Marseillaise]  Um, could you direct me to
 1286%          President Francois Mitterand's table?
 1286%Waitress: You think you're funny?
 1286%Krusty:   Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong!
 1286%-- You wanna bet?  ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1287%Lisa: Bart, we've been going about this all wrong.  What's the one thing
 1287%      rabbis prize above everything else?
 1287%Bart: Those stupid hats?
 1287%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1288%We're going to hit him where it hurts.  Right in the Judaica.
 1288%-- Lisa Simpson on Rabbi Krustofsky, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1289%Agugugug.  Glug glug glug.  `Oh, Noah, Noah!  Save us!  Save us!'  `No!'
 1289%-- Bart plays with a biblical pop-up book, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1290%Bart:    At all times, let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid
 1290%         as a cedar.
 1290%Others:  Ah, mm.  [general murmers of appreciation]
 1290%Rabbi K: But, my short learned friend, the book of Joshua says, ``You
 1290%         shall medidate on the torah all day and all night.''
 1290%Others:  Ah, mm.  [general murmers of appreciation]
 1290%Man:     All night?
 1290%-- Dueling scriptures, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1291%Lisa: [tired]  Here you go, Bart.  It's a longshot, but that's all
 1291%      I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
 1291%Bart: [stares at her]
 1291%Lisa: Bart!  I am <not> going to learn ancient Hebrew!!
 1291%-- But you already know pig Latin, how much different can it be?
 1291%   ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1292%Moe:    [moved to tears]  I got something in my eye...
 1292%Barney: Here, take my hankie.
 1292%Moe:    [sees Barney's filthy handkerchief]  Agh!
 1292%-- It's the thought that counts, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
 1293%Lisa:  [on the phone]
 1293%       Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
 1293%Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
 1293%Lisa:  I called her; she's not home.  I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty,
 1293%       Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught
 1293%       the snake in our basement.
 1293%Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.
 1293%-- My one and only, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1294%Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight.  Uh, I'd like to point out
 1294%that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show
 1294%after your own child as performed.  Oh, and let me caution the people in
 1294%the first five rows:  You <will> get wet.
 1294%-- Principal Skinner opens the school talent contest, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1295%Homer: [sees sign:  Open 10 - 7, checks his watch.  It's 6:55]
 1295%       Whew!  Just in the nick of
 1295%       [spots Moe's Tavern next door]
 1295%       Mmmmmm.  Beeeeer.
 1295%-- Your attention, please, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1296%Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry, I've only got five minutes 'til the music store
 1296%       closes.
 1296%Moe:   Well, why don't you go there first?
 1296%Homer: Hey!  Do I tell you how to do <your> job?
 1296%Moe:   Sorry, Homer. [draws a mug of beer]
 1296%Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.
 1296%Moe:   Sorry, Homer.
 1296%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1297%Jerry: What's the matter, buddy?
 1297%Homer: The moron next door closed early!
 1297%Jerry: I happen to be that moron.
 1297%Homer: Oh... Me and my trenchant mouth!
 1297%-- For whom the bold tells, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1298%Pr. Skinner: [watchs Milhouse's pathetic act]
 1298%             Oh terrible, just terrible.  You know, they seem to get worse
 1298%             every year.  [comes out on stage]
 1298%             Wonderful!  You know, I think this is the best pageant we've
 1298%             ever had.  I really do!
 1298%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1299%Homer: Okay, okay, but I want you to see a picture of the little girl
 1299%       you're disappointing.  [looks through his wallet]
 1299%       Well, I don't have one.
 1299%-- Use your imagination, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1300%Moe:   Come on, Jer, open up, be a pal.  Remember when I pulled you and your
 1300%       wife out of that burning car?
 1300%Jerry: Well, okay, okay.  But now we're even.
 1300%-- Begging Jerry to open his music shop, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1301%Jerry: What instrument does she play?
 1301%Homer: ... [whining] I don't know...
 1301%-- Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1302%Lisa:  Mom, where is he?  If I don't get that reed, I'll sound terrible!
 1302%Marge: Don't worry, honey, I'm sure your father is...
 1302%       [imagines Homer fixing a flat tire]         Maybe.
 1302%       [imagines Homer chased up a tree by a bear] No.
 1302%       [imagines Homer abducted by aliens]         That's a long shot.
 1302%       [imagines Homer at Moe's Tavern]            Bingo.
 1302%-- Whatever remains, however improbable... ``Lisa's Pony''
 1303%Jerry: Clarinet?
 1303%Homer: No.
 1303%Jerry: Oboe?
 1303%Homer: No.
 1303%Jerry: Saxophone?
 1303%Homer: No.  Wait a minute, what was that last one again?
 1303%Jerry: Saxophone!
 1303%Homer: [recalls]  Lisa, stop playing that stupid... saxophone!  Yes, that's it!
 1303%Jerry: Alto or tenor?
 1303%Homer: D'oh!
 1303%-- Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1304%[singing]  My ding-a-ling.  My ding-a-ling.
 1304%I want you to play with my ding-a-ling...
 1304%-- Student's entry in the school talent contest, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1305%Let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of Stormy Leather, uh, Weather.
 1305%-- Principal Skinner's reduction, er, introduction, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1306%Homer: Look, I let you down, and I apologize.  I know that doesn't make it
 1306%       right, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
 1306%Lisa:  [not convincingly]  I forgive you.
 1306%Homer: D'oh!  You didn't mean that!
 1306%Lisa:  No, I didn't.
 1306%-- Some things are not lost on Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1307%Lisa:  [as a baby, taking her first steps]
 1307%Marge: [o.s.]  Look, Homer!  Lisa's taking her first steps!
 1307%Homer: [engrossed in watching TV]  You taping it?
 1307%Marge: Yes.
 1307%Homer: I'll watch it later.
 1307%-- Let's go to the videotape, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1308%Tattoo: De plane!  De plane!
 1308%Mr. R:  No, my freakish little friend.  That's a seagull.
 1308%-- Watching TV, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1309%Lisa:  [as a baby, in her high chair]  Dada?  Dada?
 1309%Marge: [o.s.]  Did you hear that, Homer?
 1309%       [pan over to Homer strangling Bart]
 1309%Homer: Marge, please, I'm busy!
 1309%-- Lisa's first words, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1310%Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start
 1310%with Maggie.
 1310%-- Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1311%Marge: Homey, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix.  If you keep
 1311%       spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.
 1311%Homer: Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm going to,
 1311%       you know, go fruity.  No, you were right the first time with that
 1311%       quick fix idea.
 1311%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1312%Homer: I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for.
 1312%Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
 1312%Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford <not>
 1312%       to buy a pony.
 1312%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1313%Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony.  Promise me you won't.
 1313%Homer: Mm.
 1313%Marge: What was that?  Was that a yes or a no?
 1313%Homer: Buh!
 1313%Marge: Those aren't even words!
 1313%Homer: Snuh!
 1313%Marge: Mmmmm. [turns off the light]
 1313%Homer: [huge grin]
 1313%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1314%Oh my!  What is that smell! [sees Homer]  Oh, it's you.
 1314%-- Pet shop owner, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1315%Homer: Excuse me, do you sell ponies?
 1315%Owner: Uh, sure, pal.  Right here.  [points at a cage]
 1315%Homer: [reads the sign]  Scottish deer hound.  [$259]  Hey!  This is a dog!
 1315%Owner: Oh, my friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for!
 1315%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1316%Homer: Now lady, I'm buying a pony for my little girl, and I don't care what
 1316%       it costs.
 1316%Lady:  Very good.  That stunning creature over there is half
 1316%       a million dollars.
 1316%Homer: Half a million dollars!?
 1316%Lady:  He was sired by Seattle Slew, and his mother won the Kentucky Derby.
 1316%Homer: Wow.
 1316%Lady:  His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.
 1316%-- Shopping around for ``Lisa's Pony''
 1317%Isn't there a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from
 1317%home?
 1317%-- Homer shops for ``Lisa's Pony''
 1318%Burns:  [appears behind the employee credit union desk] Hello.
 1318%Homer:  Ack!
 1318%Burns:  [reads the loan application] Simpson, eh?
 1318%-- Paying for ``Lisa's Pony''
 1319%Burns: Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
 1319%Homer: [slowly]  Usury?
 1319%Burns: Oh, silly me!  I must've just made up a word that doesn't exist.
 1319%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
 1320%Smithers: You have any collateral?
 1320%Burns:    Oh, Smithers, let's not be so cold.  His spirit is my collateral.
 1320%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
 1321%Burns:    Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.  Muhahahahaha....
 1321%          Ahem.  Sorry, I was just um, eh, um, thinking of something funny
 1321%          Smithers did today.
 1321%Smithers: I didn't do anything funny today.
 1321%Burns:    [hand over mouth]  Shut! up!
 1321%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
 1322%Lady:  Mr. Simpson, are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony?
 1322%Homer: [shoving the pony into the back seat]  Of course!
 1322%-- Buying ``Lisa's Pony''
 1323%Bart:  Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
 1323%Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
 1323%Bart:  I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
 1323%Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat.  Hee hee hee.
 1323%-- The squeaky wheel gets the squat, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1324%Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
 1324%Homer: I got it all figured out.  By day, it'll roam free around the
 1324%       neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars
 1324%       in our garage.
 1324%Lisa:  Dad, no!
 1324%Marge: That's illegal!
 1324%Homer: That's for the courts to decide!
 1324%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1325%This is what love costs a month?
 1325%-- Homer sees the $530/month bill for stable fees to house ``Lisa's Pony''
 1326%Lady: I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming, and at no extra charge,
 1326%      pronunciation.
 1326%Lisa: [atop Princess, in riding gear]
 1326%      Fahther, you've made me the happiest gahl who ever lived!
 1326%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1327%Grampa: [fumbling with the joystick] What do I do?
 1327%Bart:   Grampa, you want to go to the right?
 1327%Grampa: Yes?
 1327%Bart:   Move the joystick to the left.
 1327%Grampa: Yes, move the... What's a joystick!  You didn't tell me...
 1327%Bart:                                        Ooh, ahh, ooh, ooh, here comes a
 1327%        Xylon Cruiser!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!
 1327%Grampa:                 A Xylon Cruiser!?
 1327%Bart:                                       Go into hyperspace!  Ready? Hit it!
 1327%Grampa: Wha?  WHERE'S THE HYPERSPACE!
 1327%Bart:   Grampa, you're the spaceship, not the...
 1327%Grampa:                               I'm the what!?  I thought I was <this>
 1327%        guy.  [the ship explodes]  Ohhhhh!
 1327%Bart:   Game's over, Grampa.
 1327%Grampa: I got down on the floor for this!?
 1327%-- Playing video games, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1328%Lisa:  Wait Dad, I've got something for you.  [kisses him]
 1328%Homer: Oh, I was hoping it'd be money.
 1328%-- How to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
 1329%Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
 1329%Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases
 1329%       she doesn't even have!
 1329%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1330%First you didn't want me to get the pony.  Now you want me to take it back!
 1330%Make up your mind!
 1330%-- Homer argues with Marge over ``Lisa's Pony''
 1331%Homer: There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work
 1331%       for it!  Do you have any jewelry you don't need any more?
 1331%Marge: Mmmmmmm.....
 1331%-- Paying for ``Lisa's Pony''
 1332%Homer: Oh, I need money.
 1332%Apu:   Well, if you need money, you should have at least jammed a gun in my
 1332%       ribs, or better yet, you could inquire about my help-wanted sign.
 1332%Homer: You're looking for help?
 1332%Apu:   Yes, we need someone for the demanding yet high-profile midnight to
 1332%       8am shift.
 1332%Homer: I'm your man!
 1332%Apu:   You're hired.  Oh, how I dreamed the day would come when one of <you>
 1332%       would be working for <me>.
 1332%-- Must've been the jam, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1333%Chuck:     She certainly tamed that horse.
 1333%Student 2: Yes, but what man can tame her?
 1333%-- Watching Lisa and ``Lisa's Pony''
 1334%Apu:   I won't lie to you.  On this job, you <will> be shot at.
 1334%       [reveals his chest]  Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honor.
 1334%Homer: [taking notes]  Badge of honor.
 1334%Apu:   Here's a pointer.  Try to take it in the shoulder.
 1334%-- Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1335%Apu:   Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years.  They are
 1335%       strictly ornamental.  There is only one bozo who comes in and
 1335%       buys them.
 1335%Homer: But I eat... Oh.
 1335%-- Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1336%Homer: Marge, could we go in the other room?
 1336%       I did something last night that I'm not proud of, and I don't want
 1336%       the kids to hear it.
 1336%Bart:  Busted!
 1336%Homer: [in the other room, explaining]  I'll work from midnight to eight,
 1336%       come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more
 1336%       minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love,
 1336%       then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.
 1336%Bart:  [at the breakfast table, hears a thud]  Oh my God, she killed him!
 1336%       [rushes into the living room; Homer has passed out, asleep]
 1336%-- Death of a Kwik-E-Mart Salesman, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1337%Homer, you are asleep at your post!  Now go change the expiration dates
 1337%on the dairy products!
 1337%-- Apu, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1338%Marge: Homer, how long do you plan to do this?
 1338%Homer: I don't know.  How long do horses live?
 1338%Marge: Thirty years.
 1338%Homer: D'oh!
 1338%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1339%Johnny Carson:  I just heard Milli Vanilli was arrested for impersonating
 1339%                a McNugget.
 1339%Ed McMahon:     Ho ho ho ho!
 1339%Bart:           Well, it's still fun to be up late.
 1339%-- Watching TV, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1340%All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in
 1340%my face.
 1340%-- Lisa has to decide the fate of ``Lisa's Pony''
 1341%Oh, the young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.
 1341%-- Apu, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1342%Lisa:  I gave up the pony.
 1342%Homer: You did?
 1342%Lisa:  Mm hm.  There's a big, dumb animal I love even more than that horse.
 1342%Homer: Oh no!  What is it, a hippopotamus?
 1342%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
 1343%Apu, you can take this job and restaff it!
 1343%-- Homer quits his job at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1344%He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers.  Still, there goes the
 1344%best damned employee a convenience store ever had.
 1344%-- Apu on Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
 1345%I'm actor Troy McClure.  You might remember me from such TV series as ``Buck
 1345%Henderson, Union Buster'' and ``Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory''.
 1345%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It!  ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1346%Troy: I'm here to tell you about `Spiffy!', the twenty-first-century
 1346%      stain remover.  Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
 1346%Nick: Thank you, Troy!  Hi, everybody!
 1346%All:  Hi, Dr. Nick!
 1346%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It!  ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1347%Nick: Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul
 1347%      Edgar Allen Poe!  [exhibits a grimy tombstone]
 1347%Troy: One of our best writers.
 1347%Nick: Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone
 1347%      into a depressing eyesore.
 1347%Troy: So what?  I guess we're going to have to throw it away.
 1347%Nick: Not so fast, Troy!  With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the
 1347%      body's still warm!  [applies some Spiffy, removes all the grime]
 1347%All:  Ooooooh!   Ahhhhhhhh!
 1347%      [The name `POE' twinkles (add visual and sound effects).]
 1347%Troy: Quoth the raven, ``What a shine!''
 1347%Homer: [watching the show]  Ooooh!  That's one clean tombstone!
 1347%-- For all your tombstone-cleaning needs,
 1347%   I Can't Believe They Invented It!  ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1348%Nick: I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones,
 1348%      for only $39.95!
 1348%All:  Booo!  [a chair is heaved on stage]
 1348%Troy: I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor.
 1348%Homer: [watching the show]  Yeah, give us a break, doctor!
 1348%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It!  ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1349%Bart:  Hey Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw.
 1349%Homer: If stuff starts flying, just turn your head!
 1349%Bart:  Oh.  Check.
 1349%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1350%Okay, I'll throw in a <fourth> bottle, the applicator glove, and a
 1350%state of Kansas jell-o mold.  $29.95!  [crowd goes wild]
 1350%-- Dr. Nick Riviera hawks `Spiffy' on I Can't Believe They Invented It!
 1350%   ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1351%Homer: Patty!  Selma!  What a pleasant surprise!
 1351%Patty: [grunt]  Whaddya know, he's wearing pants.
 1351%Selma: I owe you a lunch.
 1351%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1352%Expiration date?  June nineteen eighty ni--uh.... 2012, yeah...
 1352%-- Homer orders junk off the TV again, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1353%Marge: Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone.
 1353%Homer: [sugary-sweet] Oh, sure, great idea.  I've love to.
 1353%       [sees Lisa] D'oh!!  Did you hear that?
 1353%Lisa:  Yes.
 1353%Homer: How much?
 1353%Lisa:  Everything.
 1353%Homer: What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you?
 1353%Lisa:  Uh.... Take us to the video store?
 1353%Homer: Anything for my little girl.
 1353%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1354%[Bart wields an acetylene torch, his safety goggles neatly perched atop his
 1354% head (not over his eyes).]
 1354%Homer: Bart!  You can't weld with such a little flame.  (Stupid kid.)
 1354%-- Safety last, ``Saturdays eachy .. egg-headed ..
 1354%          institute guy!  How much do you see <your> son?
 1354%Dave:     Why don't you ask him yourself?  Homer, meet Dave, Jr.
 1354%Homer:    [stunned]  Huh?
 1354%Dave:     How's your research, coming, son?
 1354%Dave, Jr: I think we're near a breakthrough.
 1354%Dave:     Good work.
 1354%Dave, Jr: [leaving] Thanks, Dad.
 1354%Homer:    Oh, how I envy you.
 1354%Dave:     Homer, that easy back-and-forth you just witnessed didn't happen
 1354%          overnight.  It took years of effort.
 1354%-- The National Fatherhood Institute, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1355%Homer: Bart, I'm gonna help you build that racer.
 1355%Bart:  Thanks, but I'm almost done.  Why don't you go back on the couch
 1355%       and watch TV.
 1355%Homer: Okay.  [catches himself]  Urgh.  No!
 1355%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1356%Homer: [reading]  Cosby's First Law of Inter-generational Perversity:
 1356%       No matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the
 1356%       opposite.  Huh?
 1356%       [inner voice]  Don't you get it!?  You gotta use reverse psychology!
 1356%       [out loud]  Well, that sounds too complicated.
 1356%       [inner voice]  Okay, <don't> use reverse psychology.
 1356%       [out loud]  All right, I will!
 1356%-- His own worst enemy, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1357%Thank you, Bill Cosby.  You've saved The Simpsons!
 1357%-- Homer thanks the author of `Fatherhood', ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1358%Judge:  Hey, you're not supposed to smoke in the pit area.
 1358%Nelson: Fine!  [extinguishes his cigarette on his tongue]
 1358%-- At the soap box derby race, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1359%Nelson: Hey, [Bart] Simpson, where's your loser-mobile?
 1359%Homer:  Loser-mobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute!
 1359%-- At the soap box derby race, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
 1360%house, yet Ned was seen through the kitchen window. (i.e. Ned would have to
 1360%be in the Simpson's back yard rather than his own yard.)
 1361%Wow!  Info-tainment!
 1361%-- Homer watches `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
 1362%Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard
 1362%Fire.  Twenty-five years, and still burning strong!
 1362%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
 1363%Kent:  We'll watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man.
 1363%       [caption reads, ``Opposites attract?'']
 1363%Homer: He's not so fat.
 1363%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
 1364%Kent:  And we visit with heavyweight champion Dreaderick Tatum, who
 1364%       reminisces about growing up in Springfield.
 1364%Tatum: That town is a dump.  If you ever see me back there,
 1364%       you'll know I really [bleep]ed up bad.
 1364%-- A candid interview, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1365%But first!  Part seven of our eye-opening look at the bikini!
 1365%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
 1366%Whoa!  T and A!
 1366%-- Bart catches a glimpse of `Eye on Springfield's story on bikinis,
 1366%   ``Flaming Moe's''
 1367%Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what
 1367%       your husband's job will be.
 1367%Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop.  My husband will be a janitor.
 1367%Lisa:  That looks like an Olympic torch to me.  Your husband could be
 1367%       an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!
 1367%Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall]  It's a dustpan.
 1367%Lisa:  The wax never lies...
 1367%-- Lisa's slumber party, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1368%Coming up next:  An elephant who never forgets... to brush!
 1368%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
 1369%Homer: What is it, boy?
 1369%Bart:  Mmph.  Mmph.  Mmph.
 1369%Homer: Is anything the matter, my son?  Talk to me, young man.
 1369%Bart:  [takes a pad and writes, `Say my name'.]
 1369%Homer: Say your name?  Why should I do that, my lad?
 1369%Bart:  Because I'm jinxed, dammit!
 1369%Homer: [punches Bart in the arm]
 1369%Bart:  Ow!  What was that for!?
 1369%Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm!
 1369%       Sorry, it's the law!  Heh heh.
 1369%-- A kid at heart, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1370%Homer: What's the matter, Moe?
 1370%Moe:   Oh, business is slow.  People today are healthier and drinking less.
 1370%       You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one
 1370%       would even use the cigarette machine.
 1370%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
 1371%Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a
 1371%purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
 1371%-- Moe, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1372%Gin and... tonic?  [in disbelief] Do they mix?
 1372%-- Moe dusts off his chart of drink recipes, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1373%Selma: [showing slides]  And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor
 1373%       into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets.
 1373%       [next slide, of a hairy-legged Patty]  As you can see, we never
 1373%       did get the hang of it.
 1373%Bart:  Aye, carumba!
 1373%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
 1374%I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.
 1374%In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kid's cough syrup.
 1374%[mixes them in the blender, pours a glass, gulps it down]
 1374%[waves his hand in front of his face]
 1374%It passed the first test:  I didn't go blind.
 1374%-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1375%I don't know the scientific explanation, but FIRE MADE IT GOOD.
 1375%-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1376%Wow, Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everybody's invited!
 1376%-- Moe tastes a Flaming Homer, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1377%Hey, this drink is delicious.  And my phlegm feels looser!
 1377%-- Snake oil not included, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1378%Barney: [discovers the salad bar]  Hey, what's this?
 1378%Moe:    A sneeze guard.
 1378%Barney: [sneezes, spewing snot all over the sneeze guard] Wow, it really works!
 1378%-- An ounce of prevention, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1379%Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down
 1379%on you for accepting food stamps.
 1379%-- Homer, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1380%The Flaming Moe is not for sale.  Do you know how much of my blood
 1380%and sweat are in this drink?
 1380%[everybody in the bar spits out their drink]
 1380%Uh, figure of speech.
 1380%-- Moe refuses to sell out, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1381%Martin: So the next time you use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank
 1381%        Mr. A. J. P. Martin.
 1381%Ms. K:  [applauding]  Oh, brilliant, Martin, brilliant!  Once again, you've
 1381%        wrecked the grading curve.  Oh, I pity the poor student who has
 1381%        to follow you.  [consults her sheet]  Bart Simpson, you're next.
 1381%-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1382%The Inventor I Admire, by Bart Simpson.
 1382%The inventor I admire is not a rich man or a famous man or even a smart
 1382%man.  He's my father, Homer Simpson.
 1382%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
 1383%Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate...
 1383%      [pulls out of brown paper bag a blender and bottles of liquor]
 1383%Ms.K: Bart, are those liquor bottles?
 1383%Bart: [as if this excused it] I brought enough for everybody.
 1383%Ms.K: Take those to the teachers' lounge!  You can have what's left at the
 1383%      end of the day.
 1383%-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1384%Quimby:  Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day!
 1384%Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day.
 1384%Quimby:  It can be two things!
 1384%-- Serving one's country, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1385%Moe:       How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Aerosmith!
 1385%Aerosmith: Nah, I don't think so Moe, we're just hanging out, etc.
 1385%Moe:       C'mon guys, free pickled eggs!
 1385%Aerosmith: Awright!  Yeah!  [head onstage]
 1385%-- The price of fame?  ``Flaming Moe's''
 1386%Ms.K:  [heavy make-up, in a tube top]  Hiya, scrumptious.
 1386%       Do you want to ignite my drink?
 1386%Homer: You're my kid's teacher!
 1386%Ms.K:  Single parent, are we?
 1386%Homer: No!
 1386%Ms.K:  [lasciviously]  Well, let's pretend you are...
 1386%-- Ms. Krabappel lets it all hang out at... ``Flaming Moe's''
 1387%If there was any justice, <my> face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
 1387%-- Homer gripes about Moe's phenomenal success, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1388%Moe:  [answering the phone] Flaming Moe's.
 1388%Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine.  Last name Jass.  First name
 1388%      Hugh.
 1388%Moe:  Uh, hold on, I'll check.  [calling]  Hugh Jass!  Somebody check the
 1388%      men's room for a Hugh Jass!
 1388%Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
 1388%Moe:  Telephone.  [hands over the receiver]
 1388%Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
 1388%Bart: [surprised]  Uh, hi.
 1388%Hugh: Who's this?
 1388%Bart: Bart Simpson.
 1388%Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
 1388%Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister.  This is a crank call that
 1388%      sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
 1388%Hugh: All right.  Better luck next time. [hangs up]  What a nice young man.
 1388%-- Nobody's perfect, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1389%When the weight of the world has got you down
 1389%    and you want to end your life.
 1389%Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
 1389%    and problems with the wife.
 1389%But don't throw in the tow'l,
 1389%    'cuz there's a place right down the block...
 1389%Where you can drink your misery away...
 1389%At Flaming Moe's....            (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
 1389%When liquor in a mug            (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
 1389%    can warm you like a hug.                    (Flaming Moe's...)
 1389%And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
 1389%Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
 1389%-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's''
 1390%Barney:    [comes into Flaming Moe's]
 1390%All:       Barney!
 1390%Bartender: How's the world treating you, Mr. Gumbel?
 1390%Barney:    [belch]
 1390%-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's''
 1391%Brace yourselves, gentlemen.  According to the gas chromatograph, the
 1391%secret ingredient is...  Love!?  Who's been screwing with this thing!
 1391%-- Prof. John Fink's attempt to discover the recipe for a Flaming Moe,
 1391%   ``Flaming Moe's''
 1392%Kent: Next on `Eye on Springfield',
 1392%      a toast to Moe! the Wizard of Walnut Street.
 1392%Moe:  The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the
 1392%      czar.
 1392%-- Continuing the tradition of rewriting history, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1393%Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
 1393%Hutz:  I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
 1393%Homer: [whines]  Oh!
 1393%Hutz:  This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78.
 1393%       How about that!  I looked something up!
 1393%       These books behind me don't just make the office look good,
 1393%       they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
 1393%-- The Great Hutzby, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1394%Homer: [grumbles]  Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...
 1394%Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that
 1394%       something you created is making so many people happy.
 1394%Homer: [sickly sweet]  Oh, look at me!  I'm making people happy!
 1394%       I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on
 1394%       Lollipop Lane!  [leaves the room, slamming the door]
 1394%       [pokes his head back in]  Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
 1394%       [closes the door]
 1394%Marge: Well, DUH!
 1394%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
 1395%Now <that's> what I call a Happy Hour.
 1395%-- Moe in bed with the waitress, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1396%Woman: Morris, something troubles me.
 1396%Moe:   Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another 20 minutes.
 1396%-- Moe and the waitress in bed, ``Flaming Moe's''
 1397%Homer: [mumbling]  Moe... Moe... Moe...
 1397%Marge: Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today?
 1397%Bart:  Okay, but you promised me mo' money.
 1397%Marge: I mo, I mo.
 1397%Homer: [mumbling]  Moe... Moe... Moe...
 1397%Lisa:  When Bart's done, can we mo to the moe-vies?  There's a moe-tinee.
 1397%Marge: Of course!  All work and mo play makes Moe a moe moe.
 1397%Bart:  Moe moe moe moe moe?
 1397%Marge: Moe moe moe.
 1397%Lisa:  Moe moe-moe-moe-moe moe.
 1397%Bart:  Moe-moe-moe moe.
 1397%Maggie: [removes her pacifier]  Moe.
 1397%-- Moe Better Blues (or... Persistence of Moe-mory), ``Flaming Moe's''
 1398%Joey: Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks.
 1398%Ms.K: [lasciviously playing with the drumsticks]  Come and get 'em...
 1398%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
 1399%Homer: Where's that waitress of yours?
 1399%Moe:   Oh, she left to pursue a movie career.  Frankly, I think she
 1399%       was better off here.
 1399%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
 1400%Broker: Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time
 1400%        in ten years.
 1400%Homer:  I own stock?
 1400%Broker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain
 1400%        Constitutional rights.
 1400%-- A fair exchange, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1401%For your information, I just made a cool $25 playing the market.
 1401%Buy low, sell high, that's my motto.
 1401%I may just quit my job at the power plant and become a full-time
 1401%stock... market guy.
 1401%-- Homer makes a killing on the stock market, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1402%Homer: Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you?
 1402%Man 1: Ach, nein.  We are from Chermany.  He is from ze East.
 1402%       I am from ze Vest.
 1402%Man 2: I hat a big company, and he hat a big company, and now we
 1402%       have a very big company.
 1402%Man 1: We are interested in buying the power plant.
 1402%       Do you think the owner will ever sell it?
 1402%Homer: Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than
 1402%       $100 million!
 1402%Man 2: 100 million?
 1402%Man 1: [opens a briefcase of cash, counts]  Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fuenf...
 1402%       Oh, don't vorry, we still enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.
 1402%-- Buy one, get one free, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1403%We'll have a savings account!  We've never had one.
 1403%-- Marge decides what to do with a stock market windfall,
 1403%   ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1404%Man 1: [hands Burns an offer of $100,000,000]
 1404%Burns: Woo hoo!  [dances about a bit]  Ahem.  I grudgingly accept.
 1404%-- Driving a hard bargain, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1405%Len:   Those lousy Germans can't fire me.  I'm the only one knows how to
 1405%       unjam the rod bottom dissociator.
 1405%Karl:  Well, they can't fire me.  I'm the only one certified to run the
 1405%       gaseous contaminant particular [sic] fire.
 1405%Homer: Well, they can't fire me!
 1405%Len and Karl: Why?
 1405%Homer: Because... [long silence]
 1405%-- Reason enough, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1406%Horst: Guten Morgen.  I am Horst.  The new owners have elected me to speak
 1406%       with you because I am the most non-threatening.  Perhaps I remind you
 1406%       of the loveable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes.
 1406%All:   Oh yeah, yeah he does.
 1406%-- Familiarity breeds familiarity, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1407%Horst: Do we have any alcoholics among us?
 1407%       [hands slowly go up]
 1407%Man 1: Uh, me?
 1407%Man 2: Right here.
 1407%Man 3: I'm drunk right now!
 1407%-- Getting to know you, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1408%Horst: You will be given a six-week treatment at our drying-out facility
 1408%       in Hawaii, after which you will return at full pay.
 1408%Len:   Oh, great!  [general agreement from other employees]
 1408%Man 1: Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor!
 1408%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1409%Horst: We plan to have some frank discussions with your safety inspector.
 1409%Homer: Hee hee.  Yeah.  Sock it to him, Horst!
 1409%Len:   Psst, Homer.  Aren't <you> the safety inspector?
 1409%Homer: [sees his nametag, ``SAFETY INSPECTOR'']  D'oh!
 1409%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1410%``You look sharp today, sir.''
 1410%``You looken sharpen todayen, mein Herr.''
 1410%-- Smithers studies Sycophantic German, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1411%Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help.  Do you know anything about Germany?
 1411%Lisa:  Well, it's a country in Europe.
 1411%Homer: Good, good, I'm learning.
 1411%-- Teaching an old dog, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1412%Marge, it's not the money.  My job is my identity.
 1412%If I'm not a safety whatchamajigger, I'm nothing!
 1412%-- Homer fears the loss of his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1413%Hey you, stop being... so unsafe!  Smitty!  Safen up!
 1413%-- Homer tries to look busy, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1414%Horst: Homer, could ve have a word with you?
 1414%Homer: No.
 1414%Horst: I must have phrased that badly.
 1414%       My English is, how you say, inelegant.
 1414%       I meant to say, may we have a brief friendly chat.
 1414%Homer: No.
 1414%Horst: Once again, I have failed.  [consults phrasebook]
 1414%       We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange
 1414%       of ideas.
 1414%Homer: [runs away in panic]
 1414%-- Homer fears for his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1415%Man 1: You have been safety inspector for two years.
 1415%       What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
 1415%Homer: Uh... All of them?
 1415%Man 1: I see. ... Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?
 1415%Homer: I sure do!
 1415%Man 1: [waits for a follow-up, which doesn't come]
 1415%-- Homer tries to justify his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1416%Karl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad.
 1416%Len:  Sure they made mistakes in the past, but aah, that's why pencils have
 1416%      erasers!
 1416%-- The power plant is under new management, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1417%Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant.  We regret
 1417%to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order:
 1417%    Simpson, Homer.
 1417%That is all.
 1417%-- The power plant is under new management, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1418%Lisa:  I made a new bar of soap by squeezing all our little soap
 1418%       slivers together!  [holds up a multi-colored ball of soap slivers]
 1418%Marge: That's very clever.
 1418%Bart:  And today, instead of buying comic books, I just read 'em and
 1418%       left 'em in the store.
 1418%Marge: Mmm... You shouldn't do that.
 1418%Lisa:  My jumprope broke, but I just tied it back together.
 1418%Marge: That's good, Lisa.
 1418%Bart:  I didn't take a bath today, and I may not take one tomorrow.
 1418%Marge: I want you to take baths, Bart.
 1418%-- The family try to scrape by, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1419%That's right.  Gather the nectar, my little drones.  And make the honey.
 1419%Honey for your children...
 1419%Fools!  [laughs evilly]
 1419%-- Burns watches his bee colony, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1420%Moe:  Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
 1420%Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem?  First name, Bea.
 1420%Moe:  Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check.
 1420%      [calls]  Uh, Bea O'Problem?  Bea O'Problem!
 1420%      Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
 1420%Barney: You sure do!  [bar denizens laugh]
 1420%Moe:  Oh... [to phone]  It's you, isn't it!
 1420%Bart: [laughs]
 1420%Moe:  Listen, you.  When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head
 1420%      for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
 1420%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1421%Burns:    Smithers, who is this saucy fellow?
 1421%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.  Sector sieben-Grueber, I mean, sector 7-G.
 1421%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1422%What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
 1422%-- Burns learns the moral of the story, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1423%Burns: [begging] Please sell me my plant back.  I'll pay anything.
 1423%Horst: Isn't this a happy coincidence!  You are desperate to buy, and we
 1423%       are desperate to sell.
 1423%Burns: [calculatingly]  Desperate, eh? ... Advantage: Burns!
 1423%-- Reversal of fortune, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1424%Horst: [threatingly] We Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.
 1424%Burns: [recoils in mock horror]
 1424%       Oooh, the Germans are mad at me.  I'm so scared!  Oooh, the Germans!
 1424%       [hiding behind Smithers]  Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
 1424%Horst: Stop it!
 1424%Man 2: Stop, sir.
 1424%Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me.
 1424%       Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
 1424%Man 2: Please stop to pretending you are scared, here.
 1424%Horst: Stop it!  Stop it!
 1424%Burns: [brief pause, then resumes]
 1424%       No!  They're so big and strong!
 1424%Man 2: Stop it.
 1424%Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
 1424%Man 2: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
 1424%Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans!  The Germans...
 1424%Horst: Burns, STOP IT!
 1424%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
 1425%Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test?  Homer, shouldn't we have gone
 1425%       with a better-known brand?
 1425%Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
 1425%-- And smoke it, ``I Married Marge''
 1426%Ahoy, Maties!
 1426%If the water turns blue, a baby for you!
 1426%If purple ye see, no baby thar be!
 1426%If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!
 1426%-- Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test, ``I Married Marge''
 1427%Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
 1427%Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with
 1427%       the other kids.
 1427%Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating
 1427%       I always did.
 1427%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1428%Bart:  Hey, Homer, how come Mom's going to the doctor?
 1428%Lisa:  Is anything wrong?
 1428%Homer: No, everything's fine.  Your mother uh just... broke her leg.
 1428%Lisa:  What!?
 1428%Bart:  I smell a bun in the oven...
 1428%Lisa:  Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad?
 1428%Homer: [fierce internal struggle manifests itself in wiggling fingers]
 1428%       Maybe.
 1428%Bart+Lisa: Whoa, awright!  Way to go!  [exchange high fives]
 1428%Bart:  You're a machine, Homer!
 1428%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1429%Lisa: Did you hear that, Maggie?  Another baby in the house.
 1429%Bart: Oh, cool!  We can race 'em!
 1429%-- Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
 1430%Homer: Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games.
 1430%       For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.
 1430%Lisa:  Doesn't Mom do that stuff?
 1430%Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.
 1430%-- The duties of fatherhood, ``I Married Marge''
 1431%It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the '80's.
 1431%Those were idealistic days...  The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of
 1431%Supertramp, it was an exciting time to be young...
 1431%-- Homer tells a story, ``I Married Marge''
 1432%Boss:  Keep this up, and someday <you> will be the guy who hands out
 1432%       the putters!
 1432%Homer: Yes, sir!
 1432%-- A young Homer works at the Merrie Olde Fun Centre, ``I Married Marge''
 1433%Lisa:  It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad.
 1433%       We watch an appalling amount of TV.
 1433%Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
 1433%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1434%Marge: I can't imagine that job of yours is very stimulating.
 1434%Homer: But it gives me time to think.
 1434%Marge: Oh.  What do you think about?
 1434%Homer: Oh, girls.  I mean, boys.  I, I mean, you.
 1434%-- Planning for the future, ``I Married Marge''
 1435%Homer: Wow, what an ending!  Who would have thought Darth Vader was
 1435%       Luke Skywalker's father!
 1435%Crowd: [waiting in line to see the movie]  Oh, thank you, Mister
 1435%       Blow-the-picture-for-me.  [etc]
 1435%-- The infamous Ctrl-L, ``I Married Marge''
 1436%Marge: [listening to `You Light Up My Life' on the radio]  Our song.
 1436%Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
 1436%Marge: Well, actually, she was singing about God.
 1436%Homer: Oh, well, He's always happy.  No, wait, He's always mad...
 1436%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1437%Homer: Someday, I'll buy you a <real> castle.
 1437%Marge: You don't have to do that.
 1437%Homer: Phew.  Good.
 1437%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1438%Marge: Maybe it's the champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy.
 1438%Homer: Really?  It <must> be the champale talking.
 1438%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1439%Dr.H:  Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
 1439%       I think we've found the reason why you've been
 1439%       throwing up in the morning.
 1439%       Congratulations.
 1439%Homer: D'oh!
 1439%-- The price of passion, ``I Married Marge''
 1440%Dr.H:  Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful. [hands over a pamphlet]
 1440%Marge: [reads] So you've ruined your life.
 1440%-- Marge learns she's pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
 1441%Grampa: Son, you've got to marry that girl!
 1441%Homer:  Because it's the honorable thing to do?
 1441%Grampa: [slams his hand on the table] No, because you'll never do any better.
 1441%        Ha ha, you lucky bum!  The fish jumped right in the boat, and
 1441%        all you gotta do is whack her with the oar!
 1441%-- Marge becomes pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
 1442%Marge, there's something I want to ask you.  But I'm afraid, because if
 1442%you say no, it'll destroy me and make me a criminal.
 1442%-- Homer tries to work up the nerve to propose to Marge, ``I Married Marge''
 1443%Lisa: Dad, if the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel?
 1443%Bart: Bzzzzt.  I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Cool Mo-Dee Simpson.
 1443%Lisa: Ariel!
 1443%Bart: Cool Mo-Dee!
 1443%Lisa: Ariel!
 1443%Bart: Cool Mo-Dee!
 1443%Lisa: Ariel!
 1443%Bart: Cool Mo-Dee!
 1443%-- The kids learn that Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
 1444%Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think
 1444%       of the name Larry?
 1444%Homer: Marge, we can't do that!  All the kids will call him `Larry Fairy'.
 1444%Marge: Well, how about Louie?
 1444%Homer: They'll call him `Screwy Louie'.
 1444%Marge: Bob?
 1444%Homer: `Flob'. [?]
 1444%Marge: Luke?
 1444%Homer: `Puke'.
 1444%Marge: Marcus?
 1444%Homer: `Mucus'.
 1444%Marge: What about Bart?
 1444%Homer: Let's see...  Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art...  Nope, can't see any problem
 1444%       with that!
 1444%-- Stopped in the nick of time, ``I Married Marge''
 1445%Homer: [spots a nice ring]  Wow.  I'll take <that> ring.
 1445%Clerk: Yes, sir, and how will you be paying for it?
 1445%Homer: I don't know.
 1445%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``I Married Marge''
 1446%Basic ceremony's twenty bucks.  Here's your license.
 1446%Be sure to get this punched every time.  The tenth wedding is on the house.
 1446%-- Clerk at `Shotgun Pete's' quickie marriage emporium, ``I Married Marge''
 1447%Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and
 1447%          this casino to join... [points at Homer]
 1447%Homer:    Homer.
 1447%Minister: ... and ... [points at Marge]
 1447%Marge:    Marge.
 1447%Minister: ... in holy matrimony.  Beautiful.
 1447%          [three minutes later]
 1447%          Do you, Marjorie Bouvier take Homer J. Simpson to be your
 1447%          lawful wedded husband?
 1447%Marge:    I do.
 1447%Minister: Homer, same question, names reversed.
 1447%Homer:    I do.
 1447%Minister: Then, by the power vested in my by the state gaming commission,
 1447%          I pronounce you man and wife.  Here's ten dollars worth of chips.
 1447%          You may kiss the bride.
 1447%-- How ``I Married Marge''
 1448%Homer: Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant?
 1448%       I hear they pay pretty well.
 1448%Marge: I don't know.  I heard radiation can make you sterile.
 1448%Homer: Pfft.  Now you tell me.
 1448%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1449%Smithers: What would each of you say is your worst quality?
 1449%Man 1:    Well, I <am> a workaholic.
 1449%Man 2:    I push myself too hard.
 1449%Homer:    Well, it takes me a long time to learn anything,
 1449%          I'm kind of a goof-off...
 1449%Smithers: Okay, that'll do.
 1449%Homer:    ... a little stuff starts disappearing from the workplace...
 1449%Smithers: That's enough!
 1449%-- Job interview, ``I Married Marge''
 1450%Smithers: There's a problem with the reactor.  What do you do?
 1450%Homer:    There's a problem with the reactor!?  We're all going to die!
 1450%          Aaaaaaaugh! [runs out in panic]
 1450%-- Homer's job interview, ``I Married Marge''
 1451%Homer: [to his unborn son]  Kid, I won't let you down.
 1451%       I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first
 1451%       thing you're gonna see is a man with a good job.
 1451%Patty: Yeah, a doctor!
 1451%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1452%Homer: Good evening, Madam.  You have been selected by the good people of
 1452%       Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Nev-R-Dull knife edge.
 1452%       Here, shake hands with the Slash-Co!  [hands her the knife]
 1452%Woman: [grabs the wrong end]  Aaaaaagh!
 1452%Homer: [to himself]  Handle first, handle first...
 1452%-- Homer's job experience, ``I Married Marge''
 1453%First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid
 1453%schemes you've been hearing about.  No sir.  Our model is the trapezoid!
 1453%-- Shady seminar speaker at `Million$ for Nothing', ``I Married Marge''
 1454%Fourth notice.  Ninety days overdue.  We break thumbs.
 1454%-- Marge reads the mail from bill collectors, ``I Married Marge''
 1455%Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.
 1455%-- Man from the Repo Depot, ``I Married Marge''
 1456%Lisa: [crying] That is so sad.
 1456%Homer: Oh, come on, honey.  You know how it turns out.
 1456%       After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the
 1456%       responsible head of a household.
 1456%Bart:  [poking his head into the room]
 1456%       Hey, Homer, can we have a can of frosting for lunch?
 1456%Homer: Okay.
 1456%-- Homer tells Lisa a story, ``I Married Marge''
 1457%Marge, I've got two-and-a-half words for you.  Gulp.  'N'.  Blow.
 1457%-- Patty tells Marge where she can find Homer, ``I Married Marge''
 1458%Homer: Yeah, whaddya want.
 1458%Marge: My husband by my side.
 1458%Homer: You want fries with that?
 1458%-- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge''
 1459%Look at me.  I'm a trainee.
 1459%They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce.
 1459%-- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge''
 1460%That's it... That's it... Come closer... [gobbles a power pellet]
 1460%Muhahaha!  Ironic isn't it.  The hunter has become the hunted!  Hahahaha!!
 1460%-- Monty Burns plays Ms. Pac-Man, ``I Married Marge''
 1461%Listen to me, Mister Big-Shot.  If you're looking for the kind of employee
 1461%that takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'M YOUR MAN!  You can
 1461%treat me like dirt, and I'll <still> kiss your butt and call it ice cream!
 1461%And if you don't like it, I can change!!
 1461%-- Homer demands a job from Monty Burns, ``I Married Marge''
 1462%I like your attitude.  Feisty, yet spineless.
 1462%-- Monty Burns hires Homer, ``I Married Marge''
 1463%Sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet
 1463%on his way out.
 1463%-- Smithers voices his objections to the hiring of Homer Simpson,
 1463%   ``I Married Marge''
 1464%Only in America could I get a job!
 1464%-- Homer celebrates being hired to work at SNPP, ``I Married Marge''
 1465%Burns:    Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
 1465%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
 1465%Burns:    Simpson, eh?  I'll remember that name...
 1465%-- The beginning of a tradition, ``I Married Marge''
 1466%Homer:       Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
 1466%Dr. Hibbert: Good God!
 1466%-- A professional opinion, ``I Married Marge''
 1467%Homer: And tomorrow, I'm going to buy your ring back, then I'm going
 1467%       house-hunting.
 1467%Marge: Doesn't your job start tomorrow?
 1467%Homer: Eh, somebody'll cover for me.
 1467%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1468%Marge: [goes into labor] Oh!
 1468%Homer: [rolls up his sleeves] Step aside.  I'll deliver this baby.
 1468%Dr. H: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
 1468%Homer: [confrontationally] Oh, a college boy, eh?
 1468%-- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge''
 1469%Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful?
 1469%Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine
 1469%       by me.
 1469%-- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge''
 1470%Homer: You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift
 1470%       a man could have.  As the years went by, your mother and I were
 1470%       blessed twice more.  And not a day goes by that we don't thank God
 1470%       for all three of you.
 1470%Marge: [comes home]  Homer, I'm not pregnant!
 1470%Homer: [gets up, the kids on his lap falling to the floor]
 1470%       Yeah!  Whoa!  Excellent, Marge!
 1470%Marge: Yes!  [exchanges a high five with Homer]
 1470%-- ``I Married Marge''
 1471%Lisa:  Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present?
 1471%Homer: [entranced by a TV show of pretty girls dancing provocatively]
 1471%       Mon-ney.  [hands over a huge wad of bills]
 1471%Lisa:  [riffles through it]  Dad, this is a hundred and ten dollars!
 1471%Homer: Oh, sorry.  [gives her the entire wallet]
 1471%-- Ask, and you shall receive, ``Radio Bart''
 1472%`Funky-See Funky-Do' will be right back to lip-sync another of their
 1472%hits, right after this...
 1472%-- Announcer on TV music dance show, ``Radio Bart''
 1473%Announcer: ... But order now.  Supply is limited.
 1473%Homer:     Gasp!  Limited!?!?  [frantically dials the phone]
 1473%           Do you have any of those microphones left?
 1473%Clerk:     [standing in a warehouse filled to the roof with boxes
 1473%           of microphones]  Yeah, a couple...
 1473%-- A couple thousand, perhaps... ``Radio Bart''
 1474%Bart:   [in the barber shop, getting a shave]
 1474%        Digital audio tape, my butt!  When <I> was a kid, we had compact
 1474%        disks, and <I> don't recall no one complaining.
 1474%Barber: Damn right.
 1474%-- Bart's free shave, ``Radio Bart''
 1475%Hey, good to see you.
 1475%Glad you could make it.
 1475%Toby, have you lost weight?
 1475%-- Bart, the perfect host at his birthday party, ``Radio Bart''
 1476%Oh, there's only one can of beer left, and it's Bart's.
 1476%-- Homer finds a `Property of Bart Simpson' sticker on a can of Duff,
 1476%   ``Radio Bart''
 1477%People of earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force.
 1477%Your planet is in our hands.  Resistance is useless.
 1477%-- The first broadcast of ``Radio Bart''
 1478%Bart: [over the radio] Rod!  Todd!  This is God!
 1478%Rod:  How did you get on the radio?
 1478%Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio?  I created the universe!
 1478%      Stupid kid.
 1478%Todd+Rod: [fall to their knees and clasp their hands]
 1478%Todd: Forgive my brother.  We believe you.
 1478%Bart: Talk is cheap.  Perhaps I'll test a guy's faith.  Walk through the
 1478%      wall!  I will remove it for you.
 1478%Rod:  [walks into the wall]  [thud]
 1478%Bart: Ha ha ha.
 1478%Todd+Rod: [return to their knees in prayer]
 1478%Todd: What do you want from us?
 1478%Bart: I got a job for you.  Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen
 1478%      and leave them on the Simpsons' porch.
 1478%Rod:  But those cookies belong to our parents.
 1478%Bart: Ugh!  Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?
 1478%Todd: [quickly]  Happy God.
 1478%Bart: Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies!
 1478%Todd+Rod: Yes, sir!
 1478%-- How to win friends and influence people, ``Radio Bart''
 1479%The circumference of the well is 34 inches, so, unfortunately, not
 1479%one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the
 1479%boy.
 1479%-- Kent Brockman's report, ``Radio Bart''
 1480%Although we can't reach the boy, we <can> freeze him with liquid
 1480%nitrogen, so that future generations can rescue him.
 1480%-- Dr. John Fink's plan to rescue poor Timmy O'Toole, ``Radio Bart''
 1481%Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from Your bounty...
 1481%-- Marge's TV dinner prayer, ``Radio Bart''
 1482%Homer: That Timmy is a real hero!
 1482%Lisa:  How do you mean, Dad?
 1482%Homer: Well, he fell down a well, and... he can't get out.
 1482%Lisa:  How does that make him a hero?
 1482%Homer: Well, that's more than you did!
 1482%-- ``Radio Bart''
 1483%Channel 6's own Krusty the Klown has gathered members of the entertainment
 1483%community, who normally steer clear of fashionable causes...
 1483%-- Kent Brockman's news report, ``Radio Bart''
 1484%I called my good friend Sting.  He said, ``Krusty, when do you need me?''
 1484%I said, ``Thursday.''  He said, ``I'm busy Thursday.''
 1484%I said, ``What about Friday?''  He said, ``Friday's worse than Thursday.''
 1484%Then <he> said, ``How about Saturday?''  I said, ``Fine.''  True story!
 1484%-- Krusty makes his music video, ``Radio Bart''
 1485%Sting:  There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well for that poor little boy,
 1485%        who's stuck halfway to Hell...
 1485%Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
 1485%McBane: We go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
 1485%All:    And we're sending our love down the well...
 1485%Krusty: All the way down!
 1485%All:    We're sending our love down the well...
 1485%Krusty: Down that well!
 1485%-- Krusty's music video, ``Radio Bart''
 1486%Don't worry, son.  Just 'cuz you're trapped in a hole doesn't mean you
 1486%can't live a rich and full life.
 1486%-- Homer's reassuring words, ``Radio Bart''
 1487%Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well.  If he'd done it
 1487%at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo.
 1487%-- Chief Wiggum tells Marge it's all in the timing, ``Radio Bart''
 1488%Kent:  The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are
 1488%       squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
 1488%Homer: It's not our fault!  We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
 1488%Marge: Homer!
 1488%Homer: Uh...  Could you edit that last part out?
 1488%Kent:  Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
 1488%Homer: D'oh!
 1488%-- `Radio Bart''
 1489%And our <new> number one hit, ``I Do Believe We're Naked'', by
 1489%Funky-See Funky-Do, replaces ``We're Sending Our Love Down the Well'',
 1489%which plunges all the way down to number 97.
 1489%-- Casey Kasem's countdown, ``Radio Bart''
 1490%Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken a lot
 1490%of heat.  So, I am flip-flopping!  I say, let him stay down there!
 1490%-- Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby, bending ever so gently, ``Radio Bart''
 1491%Marge: Bart honey, I made you an extra-warm sweater you can wear while you're
 1491%       down in the well.  [tosses it]
 1491%Bart:  Mom, it's too big.
 1491%Homer: Don't worry, you'll grow into it.
 1491%-- Bart is trapped in a well, ``Radio Bart''
 1492%You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years.
 1492%I guess now I'm paying the price.  But there's so many things
 1492%I'll never get a chance to do.  Smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID,
 1492%shave a swear word in my hair... [sobs]
 1492%-- Bart's remorse, ``Radio Bart''
 1493%Marge: Sting, you look tired.  Maybe you should take a rest.
 1493%Sting: Not while one of my fans needs me.
 1493%Marge: Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play one of your albums.
 1493%Homer: Shhhh.  Marge, he's a good digger!
 1493%-- Digging Bart out of a well, ``Radio Bart''
 1494%And now, with his picks for today's games, the man who's right 52% of
 1494%the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo!
 1494%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts a football pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1495%Moe's Tavern, where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.
 1495%-- Moe answers the phone, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1496%At the end of thirteen seconds of play,
 1496%it's New England seven, Denver nothing.
 1496%-- The football report, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1497%Look Dad, I made a modern studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll.
 1497%[shows a neatly furnished shoebox]
 1497%This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist
 1497%newsletter...
 1497%-- Lisa's latest triumph, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1498%Lisa:  Why isn't Dad ever interested in anything I do?
 1498%Marge: Well, um, do you ever take an interest in anything <he> does?
 1498%Lisa:  No. ... Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.
 1498%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1499%Well, if you want to get closer to him, then maybe <you> should bridge the
 1499%gap.  I do it all the time.  I pretend I'm interested in looking at power
 1499%tools, going to those silly car-chase movies, and ... some things I'll tell
 1499%you about when you're older.
 1499%-- Marge's advice to Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1500%Smooth Jimmy Apollo:  [explaining his poor prediction]
 1500%       Well, folks, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48%
 1500%       of the time.
 1500%Homer: Why didn't you say that before!!
 1500%-- Watching a TV football post-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1501%TV:    So call me now!  $5 for the first minute, $2 for each additional minute!
 1501%Homer: [dials the number]
 1501%Voice: You... have reached... the Coach's...  Hot-...
 1501%Homer: Line.
 1501%Voice: Line.
 1501%Homer: Yeah, lay it on me, Coach.
 1501%Voice: In the game... of... Mi... am... i...
 1501%Homer: Mm hm.
 1501%Voice: Versus Cin...
 1501%Homer: Cincinnati.
 1501%Voice: cin...
 1501%Homer: Cincinnati.
 1501%Voice: nat...
 1501%Homer: Cincinnati.
 1501%Voice: i...
 1501%Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money!
 1501%-- Dial 1-909-WIN-BIGG for football picks, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1502%Mom, I'm tired.  I want to go home.  Can't I just lie down for a minute?
 1502%-- Bart whines about being forced to shop for clothes, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1503%Bart:  You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom?
 1503%       Because the people who wear them get beaten up.
 1503%Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.
 1503%-- More words of wisdom from Marge, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1504%What could be more exciting that the savage ballet that is pro football?
 1504%-- Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1505%Homer: You like ice cream, don't you?
 1505%Lisa:  Uh huh.
 1505%Homer: And don't you like ice cream better when it's covered with hot fudge?
 1505%       And mounds of whipped cream?  [getting carried away]  And chopped nuts?
 1505%       And, ooh, those crumbled-up cookie things they mash up?
 1505%       Mmm...  Crumbled-up cookie things...
 1505%-- Homer's train of thought gets derailed yet again, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1506%Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
 1506%       Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
 1506%Lisa:  Really?  Where?
 1506%Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.
 1506%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1507%Lisa:  Can I watch football with you again next Sunday?
 1507%Homer: Sure!  You'll find it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.
 1507%-- Sundays of thunder?  ``Lisa the Greek''
 1508%Football player:  [being interviewed]
 1508%       This team is fired up.  We came here to play!
 1508%Homer: Aw right!  [picks up the phone to place his bet]
 1508%Lisa:  [scoffing]  He'll lose.
 1508%Homer: What?  Didn't you hear what he said?
 1508%Lisa:  Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice.
 1508%       [poetically] He's a little boy lost in a game of men.
 1508%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1509%Homer: You think we should bet against them?
 1509%Lisa:  I'd bet my entire college fund on it.
 1509%Homer: You got it.  [to phone]  Moe, twenty-three dollars on New York!
 1509%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1510%Homer: [tossing Lisa in the air in celebration]  Yaay!
 1510%Lisa:  Yaay!
 1510%Homer: [continues tossing]
 1510%Lisa:  Whoa!
 1510%Homer: [continues tossing]
 1510%Lisa:  Dad, I hate to break the mood, but I'm getting nauseous.
 1510%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1511%Homer: Who do you like in the afternoon games?
 1511%Lisa:  Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart,
 1511%       Seattle because they've got something to prove,
 1511%       and the Raiders because they always cheat.
 1511%       [later]
 1511%Brent: And on an extreeeeeemely suspicious play, the Raiders win!
 1511%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1512%[Under the banner ``The Library / The Hip Place To Be'' sits a lone reader]
 1512%Lisa: Hey, the new sign's really working!
 1512%Mrs. Norton:  Oh, it's been a madhouse, Lisa!
 1512%-- Give a hoot, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1513%[Lisa flips through the card catalog]
 1513%Let's see... Football... Football... `Homoeroticism in'...
 1513%`Oddball Canadian rules'... `Phyllis George and'...
 1513%-- Let your fingers do the walking, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1514%Homer: Lisa, you picked the winner every time.  You must have some
 1514%       kind of special gift!
 1514%Lisa:  Come on, Dad.  It doesn't take a genius to realize that Houston's
 1514%       failed to cover their last ten outings on away turf the week after
 1514%       scoring more than three touchdowns in a conference game.
 1514%Homer: Oh, my little girls says the cutest things.
 1514%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1515%Gasp!  Look at these prices!  We could finally get rid of those termites
 1515%for the cost of this meal!
 1515%-- Marge reads the menu for The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1516%Waiter: Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter.
 1516%Homer:  Hello, I'm Homer, I'll be your customer.
 1516%        [Homer, Bart, and Lisa chuckle]
 1516%Waiter: Never heard that one before...
 1516%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1517%Waiter: Would you care to select the wine?
 1517%Bart:   I'll do the honors.  [takes the wine list, reads it]
 1517%        No, no, no, no!  My God!  What passes for a wine list these days?
 1517%        Marco, just bring us your freshest bottle of wine, chop-chop.
 1517%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1518%Homer: Oh, violin guy! [strolling violinist approaches]
 1518%       [tucks some money in the violinist's pocket]
 1518%       [to Lisa] What's your favorite song?
 1518%Lisa:  The Broken Neck Blues.
 1518%Homer: [to violinist] Play on.
 1518%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1519%Brent:  It is the playoffs. It's five below, and there's one loyal fan
 1519%        wearing nothing but a G-string, and the team colors painted on
 1519%        his body!
 1519%        [camera shows the fan in question, shivering, teeth chattering]
 1519%Johnny: He doesn't look too happy!
 1519%Brent:  Heh heh.  Well, maybe the paint has shut off his pores, and
 1519%        he's slowly suffocating.  Still, <that> is a <real> fan.
 1519%-- Football pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1520%Homer: Well, Lisa, it's daddy-daughter day, and Daddy needs daughter's picks.
 1520%Lisa:  Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my five-star silver bullet special.
 1520%       And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus
 1520%       five at Chicago.
 1521%Barney: Hey, Homer, you wanna go bowling next Sunday?
 1521%Homer:  Barney, are you nuts?  That's the Super Bowl!
 1521%        How about the Sunday after that?
 1521%Barney: Well, my Ma's coming in from Norway, but uh, what the hell. [belch]
 1521%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1522%Ralph: ... and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that
 1522%       was the happiest day of my life.
 1522%Mrs. Hoover:  Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
 1522%-- Reading essays in front of the class, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1523%The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago.  I was sitting on my
 1523%daddy's knee when the Saints, who were four-and-a-half point favorites,
 1523%but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second
 1523%to cover the spread.
 1523%-- Lisa's essay, The Happiest Day of My Life, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1524%Lisa:  Oh, Dad!  You must have bought me every Malibu Stacy accessory there
 1524%       is!
 1524%Homer: Not quite.  They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.
 1524%-- Homer's surprise gift, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1525%Ooh, perfume!  Meryl Streep's Versatility!
 1525%-- Marge's gift from Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1526%Homer: Boy, I know you're going to like your present.
 1526%Bart:  [it's a hand-held gizmo with three buttons]
 1526%       [Bart presses each button a few times]
 1526%Toy:   Shut up!  Shut up!
 1526%       Kiss my butt!
 1526%       Shut up!
 1526%       Go to hell!  Go to hell!
 1526%Bart:  Dad, I promise you, I will <never> get tired of this.
 1526%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1527%Marge: Homer, those were very thoughtful presents, but you have to tell
 1527%       me where you got the money from.
 1527%Homer: All right, Marge, I'll tell you, but first you have to promise you
 1527%       will not get mad.
 1527%Marge: I promise I <will> get mad, because I always do when you make me
 1527%       promise I won't.
 1527%Homer: All right, if you must know.  Lisa and I have been gambling on pro
 1527%       football.
 1527%Marge: Homer!!
 1527%Homer: You promised you wouldn't get mad!
 1527%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1528%Homer: Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids whenever they show
 1528%       talent?
 1528%Marge: But gambling is illegal!
 1528%Homer: Oh, only in 48 states.  Besides, it's a victimless crime.
 1528%       The only victim is Moe!  Heh heh heh.
 1528%-- Homer has been using Lisa to help him make bets on football,
 1528%  ``Lisa the Greek''
 1529%You know, Dad, we've been watching a lot of TV lately.  Maybe the Sunday
 1529%after the Super Bowl we could hike up to the top of Mount Springfield.
 1529%The fires in the tire yards really make for some beautiful sunsets!
 1529%-- Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1530%Adult Lisa: My third husband bought me this.  [takes off her ring]
 1530%            Gimme some [casino] chips for it!
 1530%Clerk:      Are you sure, ma'am?
 1530%Adult Lisa: Don't tell me what to do, sonny.  I've been gambling since I
 1530%            was eight, and I've been hocking jewelry since I was twelve!
 1530%            Now gimme some chips!
 1530%-- Lisa's nightmare, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1531%Look around you, Malibu Stacy.  All this was bought with dirty money.
 1531%Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen injection clinic...
 1531%-- Lisa talks to her doll, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1532%Lisa:  Look, Dad.  I'll tell you who's going to win the Super Bowl if you
 1532%       want me to, but it'll just validate my theory that you cared more
 1532%       about winning money than you did about me.
 1532%Homer: Okay.
 1532%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1533%Brent:   We're live from the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, and Super Bowl XXVI.
 1533%         Today, we're going to be seen by people in one hundred and fifty
 1533%         countries, all over the world!
 1533%         [shot of some Pacific island natives watching a TV set]
 1533%         Including our newest affiliate, W Gimel Aleph Nun in Tel Aviv!
 1533%         [cut to Caesar and Ugoland (the evil French winemakers) watching
 1533%         the show]
 1533%Caesar:  Stupid!
 1533%Ugoland: [changes the channel with the remote]
 1533%TV:      [Jerry Lewis]  Wauugh!  [crash]  Sorry, Mrs. [mumble]
 1533%Ugoland: [smacks his lips] Formidable!
 1533%-- Fifty million Frenchmen might be wrong, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1534%Moe:    [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern, home of the Super Sunday Brunch
 1534%        Spectacular!
 1534%Barney: [surveying the buffet table]  Whoa!  Baloney!  Bread!
 1534%Moe:    [jotting in his notebook]  I've got you down for forty bucks.
 1534%        Good luck, Your Eminence.
 1534%-- Super Bowl Sunday, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1535%I had the greatest gift of all.  A little girl who could pick football.
 1535%-- Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1536%Well, sir, we're two hours and 45 minutes into the pre-game show...
 1536%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1537%Brent: We've got ourselvs a special guest, actor Troy McClure, whose new
 1537%       sitcom is premiering tonight, coincidentally enough, right after
 1537%       the game!
 1537%Troy:  Thanks, Brent.  My new show is called `Handle with Care'.
 1537%       I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a
 1537%       retired criminal.  We're the original Odd Couple!
 1537%Brent: What made you want to do a situation comedy?
 1537%Troy:  Well, I fell in love with the script, Brent.  And my recent
 1537%       trouble with the IRS sealed the deal!
 1537%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1538%Homer: Buffalo is going to win.  Lisa hates me. [sobs]
 1538%Man:   Whatcha got riding on this game?
 1538%Homer: My daughter.
 1538%Man:   [whistles]  What a gambler!
 1538%-- Watching the Super Bowl, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1539%This sucks.  Come on, snipers, where are you!
 1539%-- Bart watches a feeble football halftime show, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1540%It's a touchdown for halfback Dan Beer-dorf!  Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl!
 1540%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1541%Barney: Hey Homer, didn't you say that if Duff Dry wins [the Duff Bowl],
 1541%        your daughter loves you?
 1541%Homer:  Not Duff Dry.  Washington!
 1541%Barney: Okay, okay.  They're <both> great teams.
 1541%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
 1542%Rev. Lovejoy:  [surveys his congregation, one man and two old ladies]
 1542%     Well, I'm glad <some> people could resist the lures of the big game.
 1542%Man: Oh, my God!  I forgot the game!  [rushes out]
 1542%-- Super Bowl Sunday, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1543%So, with three ticks left on the clock, it all comes down to this one play.
 1543%If Washington scores here, happy fans will be looting and turning over cars
 1543%in nation's capital tonight!
 1543%-- The closing seconds of the Super Bowl, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1544%Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on
 1544%for eight more years!
 1544%-- Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
 1545%Homer: [scarfing down donuts]
 1545%Lenny: Hey, Homer, slow down.  You're going to choke or something.
 1545%Homer: Don't tell me how to eat donuts!  [starts choking]
 1545%Karl:  Hey, Homer's choking again.
 1545%Lenny: Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere?
 1545%Karl:  Somebody scare him.
 1545%Charlie: That's for the hiccups!
 1545%-- Remain calm, dough-nut panic, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1546%Lenny: Homer, last year, we were 2 and 28.
 1546%Homer: Look, I know it wasn't our best season...
 1546%Lenny: Actually, it was.
 1546%-- Room for improvement, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1547%Homer: Come here, boy, I want to show you something.
 1547%Bart:  What's that, a homemade bat?
 1547%Homer: It's something very special.  A homemade bat.
 1547%-- A Homer-made bat, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1548%It all started last year during a terrible thunderstorm, when I locked
 1548%myself out of the house.  Shelving myself with a large piece of sheet metal,
 1548%I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find!
 1548%-- Homer Simpson, Safety Inspector, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1549%Homer: [working to build a baseball bat in the garage]
 1549%Marge: Homey, come to bed.
 1549%       [scene change:  Marge is in bed, as wood shavings flick onto her
 1549%        from Homer's woodwork]
 1549%       Homer, go back to the garage.
 1549%-- Yessss, master, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1550%Bart:  [sees Homer's homemade bat]  Wow!  How many home runs you gonna
 1550%       hit with that?
 1550%Homer: Let's see.  We play thirty games.  Ten at-bats a game.  Mmm...
 1550%       Three thousand.
 1550%-- Back-of-the-envelope calculations, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1551%Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules.
 1551%        You can't leave first until you chug a beer.
 1551%        Any man scoring has to chug a beer.
 1551%        You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings.
 1551%        Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
 1551%Chief Wiggum:  [in baseball uniform]  Hey, we know how to play softball.
 1551%-- The canonical softball drinking game, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1552%Umpire: Play ball!
 1552%Chief Wiggum: [steps to the plate]
 1552%Police radio: Attention all units!  Attention all units!
 1552%        Armored car being robbed at 59th and...
 1552%Chief Wiggum: Turn off that damn radio!
 1552%-- Please arrange to have your car robbed only during normal business hours,
 1552%   ``Homer at the Bat''
 1553%And the man wants to hit the ball, too.  [crack!]  And he does.
 1553%And there he goes, off in that direction.  And everyone is happy.
 1553%-- Marge Simpson does the play-by-play, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1554%Lisa:  Wow, Dad!
 1554%Bart:  Homer, can I get you a beer?
 1554%Lisa:  No, <I> want to get him a beer.
 1554%Homer: Kids, kids, kids!  You can <each> get me a beer.
 1554%-- Beer and beer alike, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1555%Ari:   Would you care to bet a million dollars on that?
 1555%Burns: Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting!
 1555%Ari:   What, a million dollars isn't interesting to you?
 1555%Burns: Oh, did you say a million?  I'm, I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere.
 1555%       I thought you would start with a small amount, then we would
 1555%       bait each other, and, well, you know how it goes.
 1555%       Yes, certainly, a million would be fine.  [handshake]
 1555%-- But gambling is illegal in 48 states... ``Homer at the Bat''
 1556%Burns:    Smithers, I've been thinking.  Is it wrong to cheat to win
 1556%          a million-dollar bet?
 1556%Smithers: Yes, sir.
 1556%Burns:    Let me rephrase that.  Is it wrong if <I> cheat to win a
 1556%          million-dollar bet?
 1556%Smithers: No, sir.  Who would you like killed?
 1556%-- Burns remembers to phrase it as an ethical question, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1557%Smithers: [whispers in Jose Canseco's ear]
 1557%Jose:     I get $50,000 to play one game?
 1557%Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.
 1557%Jose:     Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey.  It sounds like fun.
 1557%-- For love of money, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1558%Smithers: [in the woods, a bullet grazes his shoulder]
 1558%Hunter:   Hey, sorry.  I thought you were a deer.
 1558%Smithers: Heh heh, that's okay.  Happens all the time.
 1558%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
 1559%Homer:  You're Darryl Strawberry.
 1559%Darryl: Yes?
 1559%Homer:  You play right field.
 1559%Darryl: Yes?
 1559%Homer:  I play right field, too.
 1559%Darryl: So?
 1559%Homer:  Well, are you better than me?
 1559%Darryl: Well, I never met you... but... Yes.
 1559%-- Any questions? ``Homer at the Bat''
 1560%Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better
 1560%       than you?
 1560%Maggie: [feeds SLH peas from her bowl]
 1560%Homer: Marge, forget it.  He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger
 1560%       than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.
 1560%Bart:  You make me sick, Homer.  You're the one who told me I could do
 1560%       anything if I just put my mind to it!
 1560%Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's
 1560%       a crock!  No matter how good you are at something, there's always
 1560%       about a million people better than you.
 1560%Bart:  Gotcha.  Can't win, don't try.
 1560%-- Lesson for the day, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1561%Smithers: What are you going to do with the million dollars, sir?
 1561%Burns:    Oh, I dunno.  Throw it on the pile, I suppose.
 1561%-- Burns has bet $1 million on the softball team, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1562%Hynpotist: You are all very good players...
 1562%Team:      We are all very good players...
 1562%Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville...
 1562%Team:      We will beat Shelbyville...
 1562%Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent...
 1562%Team:      That's impossible.  No one can give more than one hundred percent.
 1562%           By definition that is the most anyone can give...
 1562%-- You own a mansion and a yacht...  ``Homer at the Bat''
 1563%Mike Scoscia: [pushing a wheelbarrow of glowing green goop]
 1563%Karl:  [pulls up beside him with his own wheelbarrow of glowing green goop]
 1563%       Hey, Scoscia.  I don't get it.  You're a ringer, but you're here every
 1563%       night in the core, busting your butt hauling radioactive waste.
 1563%Mike Scoscia: Well, Karl, it's such a relief from the pressures of playing
 1563%       big-league ball.  I mean, there, you make any kind of mistake, and
 1563%       boom, the press is all over you.  [accidentally spills his goop]
 1563%       Uh oh...
 1563%Karl:  Ah, don't worry about it.
 1563%Mike Scoscia: Oh man, is this ever sweet...
 1563%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
 1564%Now, before I post the starting line-up, I want to assure those of you
 1564%whose names are not on the list... that I'm very disappointed in you.
 1564%-- Monty Burns, softball team manager, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1565%Homer: Please please please, I want to make the team.  [catches Roger Clemens]
 1565%       Clemens, did I make the team?
 1565%Roger: You sure did!
 1565%Homer: I did!  Woo-hoo!  Woo-hoo!  In your face, Strawberry!
 1565%Roger: Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey, Jr.?
 1565%Homer: No.
 1565%Roger: Sorry.  Didn't mean to get your hopes up.
 1565%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
 1566%Dr. Hibbert:  Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.
 1566%Mike Scoscia: Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate...
 1566%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
 1567%Homer: Oh, one thing I'm good at and I can't do it any more.
 1567%Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things.
 1567%Homer: Like what?
 1567%Marge: Like snuggling?  [snuggles up to him]
 1567%Homer: Yeah.  but none of my friends can watch me.
 1567%-- It's an indoor sport, ``Homer at the Bat''
 1568%Barney: And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
 1568%Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!
 1568%Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!
 1568%Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!!!
 1568%Barney: Okay, you asked for it, bud!  [punches him out]
 1568%Moe:    Yeah, that's showing him, Barney!  [scoffing]  Pitt the Elder...
 1568%Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!! [punches Moe]
 1568%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
 1569%Homer: Where do you think you're going?
 1569%Lisa:  To the game.
 1569%Homer: No no no.  I don't want you to see me sit on my worthless butt.
 1569%Bart:  We've seen it, Dad.
 1569%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
 1570%BART (Brat'us Don'thaveacow'us)
 1570%HOMER (Homo Neanderthal'us)
 1570%-- The Simpsons meet the Road Runner, ``Homer Alone''
 1571%I am <not> cleaning that!  ...  Oh, who am I kidding.
 1571%-- Marge cleans up another mess, ``Homer Alone''
 1572%When you grow up, you can suck your pacifier all you want.
 1572%-- Marge tries to reason with Maggie, ``Homer Alone''
 1573%Marge: [making lunch]  Extra mustard for Bart, sliced diagonally, not
 1573%       lengthwise.  Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust.  Double
 1573%       baloney for Homer...
 1573%Lisa:  [simultaneously] Mom, can you sign this permission slip for my
 1573%Bart:  [simultaneously] Mom, have you seen my lucky red cap?  Mom,
 1573%Lisa:  [simultaneously] field trip?  Mom, I <hate> those pimentos, they
 1573%Bart:  [simultaneously] where's my lucky red cap?  Mom, aren't you listening
 1573%Lisa:  [simultaneously] make me gag.
 1573%Bart:  [simultaneously] to me?  I told...
 1573%Homer: [comes in]
 1573%Lisa:  [simultaneously] Mom, please sign the permission slip.  [etc]
 1573%Bart:  [simultaneously] Mom, I'm talking to you.  Hello?  Hello!  I'm going to
 1573%Homer: [simultaneously] Marge, I split my pants again.  Ooooh!  Can I have two
 1573%Lisa:  [simultaneously] [etc] without lunch.
 1573%Bart:  [simultaneously] be crushed today if I don't wear my lucky red
 1573%Homer: [simultaneously] sandwiches today?  Make them baloney sandwiches, too,
 1573%Lisa:  [simultaneously] Mommm!  I can't eat those pimentos...
 1573%Bart:  [simultaneously] cap!  Mommmm!  Wheeeere's my caaaaap!
 1573%Homer: [simultaneously] can I have two slices of baloney and...
 1573%Marge: ONE AT A TIME!   ONE AT A TIME!
 1573%       [pause]
 1573%Lisa:  [simultaneously] So when you make the sandwich, no pimentos <please!>
 1573%Bart:  [simultaneously] [etc]
 1573%Homer: [simultaneously] Double baloney!  Double baloney!  Don't forget to
 1573%Lisa:  [simultaneously] Because you know how much they...
 1573%Bart:  [simultaneously] Mommm!  Where's my lucky red cap!
 1573%Homer: [simultaneously] make it <double> baloney because...
 1573%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1574%Lisa: Mom, Bart's making faces at me.
 1574%Bart: It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive about it,
 1574%      if you don't mind.
 1574%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1575%This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky.  We've got big problems on the
 1575%Springfield Memorial Bridge, people.  Traffic going waaaay back in both
 1575%directions.  And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just
 1575%dropped my bagel.
 1575%-- Helicopter traffic report, ``Homer Alone''
 1576%Eddie:  She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
 1576%Wiggum: Did you flash your lights?
 1576%Eddie:  Yes.
 1576%Wiggum: [thinks]  Well, <I'm> fresh out of ideas.
 1576%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1577%Wiggum: Try to talk her out of there.
 1577%        [hands Homer a megaphone]
 1577%        But don't put your lips on it or anything.
 1577%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1578%Homer: [through a megaphone] Hello?  Hello?  Is this thing on?  Hello?
 1578%Marge: Homer, is that you?
 1578%Homer: [aside] What should I say?
 1578%Wiggum: Well, how about, ``Yes, it's me.''
 1578%Homer: [through a megaphone] Yes, it's me.
 1578%-- I own a mansion and a yacht, ``Homer Alone''
 1579%I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson Day in the city of Springfield!
 1579%-- Mayor Quimby goes after the chick vote, ``Homer Alone''
 1580%Swim, play tennis, or just sit and stare at the walls.
 1580%-- Advertisement for Rancho Relaxo, ``Homer Alone''
 1581%Marge: I need to unwind.
 1581%Homer: I knw you do, Marge, but come on, you know what our vacations are
 1581%       like.  Those three monsters in the back seat.  ``Are we there yet?
 1581%       Are we there yet?''  And let's face it, I'm no day at the beach
 1581%       either.  ``Marge, can I have another sandwich?  Marge, can I have
 1581%       another sandwich?''
 1581%-- In the comfort of your own home, ``Homer Alone''
 1582%For your information, I can take care of my...
 1582%[Maggie loses her grip and falls]  Auugh!
 1582%[picks up Maggie]  See?  Got her on the first bounce.
 1582%-- A bouncing baby girl, ``Homer Alone''
 1583%This is KOMA, WKOMA, restful easy listening.  Coming up next, a super
 1583%set of songs about clouds...
 1583%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1584%Selma: Kids, you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches.
 1584%       You need something to drink?
 1584%Patty: We've got clamato, Mr. Pibb and soy milk.
 1584%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1585%Lisa:  [yawns]  I think I'll just hit the hay.
 1585%Selma: It's 12:30 in the afternoon!
 1585%Lisa:  [quietly]  I'm aware of the time.
 1585%-- Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, ``Homer Alone''
 1586%Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
 1586%Lisa: You think <you> know fear?  Well, <I've> seen 'em naked!
 1586%Bart: Waaaaauuuugh!
 1586%-- Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, ``Homer Alone''
 1587%I'm Troy McClure.  You might remember me from such movies as ``Today
 1587%We Kill, Tomorrow We Die'' and ``Gladys the Groovy Mule''!
 1587%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1588%Troy: Our tour starts in your very own room, where Relaxo-Vision offers you
 1588%      the latest Hollywood hits.  And after midnight, the finest R-rated
 1588%      movies Europe has to offer!  [smacks his lips]  Today's selections are...
 1588%Some other announcer:
 1588%      Thelma and Louise,
 1588%      The Happy Little Elves Meet Fuzzy Snuggleduck, and
 1588%      The Erotic Awakening of S.
 1588%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1589%Homer:  Come on, Maggie.  Nummy-nummy-num!
 1589%Maggie: [refuses to eat her baby food]
 1589%Homer:  Aaaaahhh...  [eats some to demonstrate]
 1589%        Mmm...  [digging in]  Mmm...!
 1589%        [tries another jar]
 1589%        Mmm... strained peas.
 1589%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1590%Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.
 1590%-- Gregory, the masseuse at Rancho Relaxo, ``Homer Alone''
 1591%[picks up Maggie] Whoa!  Someone smells stinky!
 1591%[sniffs himself]  Oh, it's me.
 1591%-- Barney, bastion of cleanliness, ``Homer Alone''
 1592%[sung to Brahms' Lullaby]
 1592%Go to sleep...
 1592%And good night...
 1592%La-la la la la la la...
 1592%Dee-dee-dee...
 1592%Dee-dee-dee...
 1592%May your Christmas Days be bright!
 1592%-- Homer sings Maggie to sleep, ``Homer Alone''
 1593%Hairdresser:  So, what's the verdict?
 1593%Woman:        [realizes she's been given a Marge Simpson hairdo]
 1593%              Oh, dear God!  I can't even put a bag over my head!
 1593%Hairdresser:  Yes you can.
 1593%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1594%As I said to Dolores Montenergo in ``Calling All Quakers''...
 1594%``Have it <your> way, Baby!''
 1594%-- Troy McClure, ``Homer Alone''
 1595%Marge, Maggie was very young.  It's not like we got so attached to her...
 1595%-- Homer practices his excuse for losing Maggie, ``Homer Alone''
 1596%Wiggum: You the man who reported the lost baby?
 1596%Homer:  Yes.
 1596%Wiggum: Can you describe her?
 1596%Homer:  Uh, she's small...  She's a girl...
 1596%Wiggum: Bingo!  [produces Maggie]
 1596%-- ``Homer Alone''
 1597%Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never even imagined.
 1597%Others may find out that life isn't fair... [turning bitter] in spite
 1597%of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter
 1597%to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth-graders while your husband runs naked
 1597%on a beach with your marriage counselor!!  [stares from the students]
 1597%Ahem.
 1597%-- Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
 1597%   ``Separate Vocations''
 1598%First question.  If I could be any animal, I would be (a) a carpenter ant,
 1598%(b) a nurse shark, or (c) a lawyer bird.
 1598%-- Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
 1598%   ``Separate Vocations''
 1599%Question sixty.  I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or
 1599%(c) bank customers.
 1599%-- Miss Hoover administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
 1599%   ``Separate Vocations''
 1600%Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
 1600%Lisa:  Janey, school is <never> a waste of time.
 1600%Ms.H:  Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your
 1600%       pencils and stare at the front of the room.
 1600%-- Time well-spent, ``Separate Vocations''
 1601%Bart: Police officer!?  Well I'll be jiggered!
 1601%Dr.J: Heh heh heh.  If you'd like to learn more, I could arrange for
 1601%      you to ride along in a police car for a night.
 1601%Bart: Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.
 1601%-- Bart reads his scientifically-selected career, ``Separate Vocations''
 1602%Homer: So what are <you> going to be, boy?
 1602%Bart:  Policeman.
 1602%Homer: [gags on his food]
 1602%-- Bart's scientifically-selected career, ``Separate Vocations''
 1603%Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while,
 1603%       but they said he was too heavy.
 1603%Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy.  The police said I was too dumb.
 1603%-- ``Separate Vocations''
 1604%Lisa:  Well, <I'm> going to be a famous jazz musician.  I've got it all
 1604%       figured out.  I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my
 1604%       gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French.  I'll avoid the
 1604%       horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love
 1604%       affairs, and I may or may not die young.  I haven't decided.
 1604%Marge: Honey, if that's what you want, we'll do anything we can to help.
 1604%-- Is she accepting applications for torrid love affairs?
 1604%   ``Separate Vocations''
 1605%I'll be frank with you Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean,
 1605%you know, devastating.
 1605%-- Instructor at music school, ``Separate Vocations''
 1606%Bart:  Wow!  Can I see your club?
 1606%Cop:   It's called a baton, son.
 1606%Bart:  Oh.  What's it for?
 1606%Cop:   We club people with it.
 1606%-- Just conduct yourself properly and nobody gets hurt, ``Separate Vocations''
 1607%Bart: So, you guys like being cops?
 1607%Cop:  Oh, it's great.  You get to run red lights, park wherever you please,
 1607%      hot and cold running chicks...
 1607%-- The perquisites of power, ``Separate Vocations''
 1608%Bart: Do you need straight A's to be a cop?
 1608%The Two Cops:  [laugh uproariously]
 1608%-- Just checking, ``Separate Vocations''
 1609%Ooh, they used nylon rope this time.  It feels so smooth against my skin.
 1609%Almost sensuous...
 1609%-- Apu, tied up after being robbed at gunpoint, ``Separate Vocations''
 1610%Wiggum: Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket.  To jail!
 1610%Eddie:  He's unconscious, sir.
 1610%Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.
 1610%-- Subliminal messages, ``Separate Vocations''
 1611%I saw some awful things in Nam, but you really have to wonder at the
 1611%mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma!
 1611%-- Principal Skinner, ``Separate Vocations''
 1612%Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?  Has the world gone
 1612%         topsy-turvey?
 1612%Bart:    That's right, man.  I got my first taste of authority...
 1612%         [rubs his hands]  And I liked it!
 1612%-- ``Separate Vocations''
 1613%Look, let's can the euphemisms.  No more bullspit.
 1613%-- Principal Skinner, ``Separate Vocations''
 1614%Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term.
 1614%       But Lisa's are way down.
 1614%Homer: Oh... We always have one good kid and one lousy kid.
 1614%       Why can't <both> our kids be good?
 1614%Marge: We have <three> kids, Homer.
 1614%Homer: Maaarge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
 1614%Marge: No!  Maggie!
 1614%Homer: Oh, yeah!
 1614%-- ``Separate Vocations''
 1615%Bart:    Seymour, this is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother.
 1615%         And this is Nelson's English homework.  Notice the
 1615%         identical elongated loops on the `d's.
 1615%Skinner: Forgery!  So he <didn't> have leprosy!
 1615%-- The alibi falls apart, ``Separate Vocations''
 1616%Teacher: This is a great day for me.  I thought I could never teach again!
 1616%Skinner: Oh, things have changed.  There will be no mockery of your name,
 1616%         Mr.  Glascock.
 1616%-- I'm not touching this one, ``Separate Vocations''
 1617%Ms.H: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named `Old Hickory'?
 1617%Lisa: I don't know.  You?  [snickers from the class]
 1617%Ms.H: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the
 1617%      answer is... [flips to answer key]  The Battle of New Orleans.
 1617%      I mean... Andrew Jackson.
 1617%Lisa: Well, you're earning <your> eighteen grand a year. [more snickers]
 1617%-- ``Separate Vocations''
 1618%Skinner: Um, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened.
 1618%         Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition
 1618%         in this school.
 1618%Teacher: What'll we do!?
 1618%Ms. K:   Declare a snow day!
 1618%Teacher: Does anyone know the multiplication table?
 1618%Skinner: No, please, don't panic.  [peers out the window]  They can smell fear.
 1618%-- Make no sudden movements, ``Separate Vocations''
 1619%Ms. K:  Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh
 1619%        day, Martin will be teaching this class.
 1619%Martin: I will?  But I wouldn't know where to begin.
 1619%Ms. K:  Just do it, Braniac!
 1619%-- Somebody stole all the teachers' editions of the school textbooks,
 1619%   ``Separate Vocations''
 1620%Bart:    Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here.
 1620%         All we have to do is search ever locker.
 1620%Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by
 1620%         the Supreme Court.
 1620%Bart:    Pfffffft.  Supreme Court.  What have <they> done for us lately?
 1620%Skinner: Let's move.
 1620%-- Annoyed any Republicans today?  ``Separate Vocations''
 1621%[on the phone]  Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast!
 1621%How old are you? ...  [jots it down]  Uh huh.
 1621%And what's your birthday? ...  [jots it down]  No kidding.
 1621%And what's Lisa's birthday? ...   What?  You don't know your
 1621%sister's birthday??  What kind of brother are you!
 1621%-- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
 1622%Apu:    Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run.
 1622%Sanjay: All right.  But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with
 1622%        my wife.
 1622%Apu:    I promise nothing.
 1622%-- ``Dog of Death''
 1623%Homer: You'll never guess what happened, Marge.  Are you ready?
 1623%       I have a feeling that we may win... the lottery!!
 1623%Marge: But we never, ever...
 1623%Homer: I know you're excited, so just calm down and listen to me carefully...
 1623%-- Brimming with excitement, ``Dog of Death''
 1624%Marge: Homer, we're on a tight budget, here.  Promise me you won't get
 1624%       carried away.
 1624%Homer: Yes, money.  ...  I mean, honey.
 1624%-- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
 1625%Kent:    But there's already one big winner:  Our state school system,
 1625%         which gets fully half the profits from the library.
 1625%Skinner: [talking with his teachers]
 1625%         Just think what we can buy with that money...
 1625%         History books that know how the Korean War came out.
 1625%         Math books that don't have that base six crap in them!
 1625%         And a state-of-the-art detention hall [holds up a scale model]
 1625%         where children are held in place with magnets.
 1625%Teacher: [to no one in particular]  Magnets.  Always with the magnets...
 1625%-- ``Dog of Death''
 1626%Kent: We now take you to the [lottery] drawing, live.  I hope you've got
 1626%      <your> tickets.  I've got mine.
 1626%[at the police station, everyone's watching.  The phone rings.]
 1626%Eddie:  They're about to start, Chief.
 1626%Wiggum: [answers the phone]  No, you got the wrong number.
 1626%        This is nine-one....two.
 1626%-- Lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
 1627%If you were seventeen, we'd be rich!
 1627%But nooooooooooo...  You had to be ten.
 1627%-- Homer scolds Bart, whose age he used to select his losing lottery numbers,
 1627%   ``Dog of Death''
 1628%I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world:  Doggie heaven.
 1628%In doggie heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around
 1628%without sniffing another dog's butt!
 1628%-- Homer talks to Bart, ``Dog of Death''
 1629%Marge: Honey, $750 is a lot of money.  We really can't afford this operation.
 1629%Bart:  You're gonna just let him [SLH] die?
 1629%Marge: I know you're upset...
 1629%Bart:  Darn right, I'm upset!
 1629%Marge: Bart, watch your language! ... Oh, you did.
 1629%-- Save it for later, ``Dog of Death''
 1630%Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
 1630%Burns:    Nonsense.  Dogs are idiots!  Think about it, Smithers.
 1630%          If I came into your house and started sniffing at your
 1630%          crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would
 1630%          you say?
 1630%Smithers: ...  If <you> did it, sir?
 1630%-- A tough question, ``Dog of Death''
 1631%Marge: I found a way to stretch the food budget.
 1631%       Fried chicken night will now be organ meat night.
 1631%       Ham night will be Spam night.
 1631%       And pork chop night...
 1631%Homer: [whining, fearing the worst] Oh...
 1631%Marge: ... will not be chub night.
 1631%Homer: Chub!?  I don't even know what that is!
 1631%-- Neither do I, ``Dog of Death''
 1632%Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer.
 1632%Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats!
 1632%-- Homer's budget-saving plan, ``Dog of Death''
 1633%It's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of dental school.
 1633%-- Veterinarian, ``Dog of Death''
 1634%Homer: Hey, how come he [SLH] gets meat and we don't?
 1634%Marge: You wouldn't want what he's eating.  It's mostly just snouts and
 1634%       entrails.
 1634%Homer: Mmmmmm....  snouts.....
 1634%-- ``Dog of Death''
 1635%Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing
 1635%       he can't buy.
 1635%Marge: What's that?
 1635%Homer: [thinks]  A dinosaur!
 1635%-- ``Dog of Death''
 1636%If that were a real girl scout, I'd have been bothered by now!
 1636%-- Burns scolds SLH, his new attack dog, ``Dog of Death''
 1637%I know how you feel.  I lost my dog, too.  He's in here somewhere...
 1637%[a muffled whimper emerges from somewhere in his apartment]
 1637%-- Barney can't help find SLH, ``Dog of Death''
 1638%That was his dish...  And that was his leash...  And that's where he took
 1638%a wizz on the rug... [sobs]
 1638%-- Homer looks back on the days with Santa's Little Helper, ``Dog of Death''
 1639%Marge: Homer, get a hold of yourself.  Even if he [SLH] <has> passed on,
 1639%       there's no reason to cry.  Remember, doggie heaven?
 1639%Homer: Oh, Marge, there is no such place!
 1639%Marge: Ahem.
 1639%Homer: [spots the kids]  Or...  To put it another way...  There <is>...
 1639%-- ``Dog of Death''
 1640%Bart:  I'm not giving up.  I don't care if I have to knock on every door
 1640%       in this two-bit town.  I'm going to find my dog!
 1640%Homer: And I'll be right here watching TV.
 1640%-- Moral support, ``Dog of Death''
 1641%Kent: [answering the door]  Hello, I'm Kent Brockman.
 1641%Bart: Um, excuse me, sir.  I lost my dog.
 1641%Kent: Mm hm.  And I suppose you want me to buy you a new one, mm?
 1641%      You know, ever since I won the lottery, everybody wants a
 1641%      piece of Kent Brockman.  Homeless this and hungry that...
 1641%-- ``Dog of Death''
 1642%Smithers: Um, I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir,
 1642%          but there's a sweet little boy at the door.
 1642%Burns:    Release the hounds.
 1642%-- ``Dog of Death''
 1643%NO DOGS WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE.
 1643%A CAT GOT SICK AND SOMEBODY SHOT A DUCK, BUT THAT'S IT.
 1643%-- Watching cartoons is also dolphin-safe, ``Dog of Death''
 1644%Bart: If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.
 1644%Lisa: [covering her eyes] Please tell me when the scary part's over.
 1644%Bart: [pause]  It's over.
 1644%Lisa: [uncovers her eyes]
 1644%      [the movie theater is bathed in red as we hear blood spurting]
 1644%      Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
 1644%-- Watching `Space Mutant IV', ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1645%Man 1:  Hey you, let's fight.
 1645%Man 2:  Them's fightin' words!
 1645%-- Say what you mean, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1646%Okay, Fudd me.
 1646%-- Homer orders a beer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1647%Lurleen: So what's your name, stranger?
 1647%Homer:   Homer J. Simpson.
 1647%Lurleen: My name's Lurleen Lumpkin.
 1647%Homer:   That's a pretty name.
 1647%Lurleen: Oh, you think so?
 1647%Homer:   Maybe.  I'm not sure.  I forgot it.
 1647%-- Persistence of memory, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1648%        [in the operating room, the power flickers]
 1648%Nurse:  Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder.
 1648%Doctor: Put it back!  Put it back!
 1648%-- It was like that when I got here!  ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1649%Lurleen, I can't get your song out of my mind.
 1649%I haven't felt this way since Funky Town!
 1649%-- Homer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1650%Moe:    [listening to a song on the radio]  For the next half hour,
 1650%        beer is on the house.
 1650%Barney: [bursts out of the men's room]  What'd you say, Moe?
 1650%        [pull back to see that the bar is otherwise empty]
 1650%Moe:    Nuthin'.
 1650%-- Trees falling in the forest, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1651%Krusty: [slapping Sideshow Mel]  I thought I told you to stay away from
 1651%        my sister!!
 1651%        [a song comes on the radio]
 1651%        [softens]  Oh, here's 50 bucks.  Take her to the Copa.
 1651%-- Calms the savage breast, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1652%I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit.
 1652%-- Lisa, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1653%Country music sucks.  All it does is take precious air space away from
 1653%shock DJ's, whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.
 1653%-- Bart the Critic, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1654%Marge: Who is this woman?
 1654%Homer: Well, right now, she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress,
 1654%       but she's going to be a country music superstar like...
 1654%       uh... that jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady.
 1654%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1655%Marge, you make it sound so seamy.
 1655%All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on
 1655%some outfits.
 1655%-- Homer tries to reassure Marge, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1656%Lurleen: Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know...
 1656%         wantin' sum'in' in return.
 1656%Homer:   Well, now, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now
 1656%         I feel kinda guilty about it.
 1656%-- Ask and you shall receive, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1657%Lurleen: [chuckles] Oh Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
 1657%Homer:   Hey!  [thinks on it]  You <did> say sugar, right?
 1657%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1658%Lurleen: Homer, I want you to be my manager.
 1658%Homer:   Really?!  Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
 1658%Lurleen: That's okay.
 1658%Homer:   I make a lot of stupid decisions.
 1658%Lurleen: Nobody's perfect.
 1658%Homer:   I did bad in school.
 1658%Lurleen: I didn't even go.
 1658%Homer:   My personal hygeine has been described as...
 1658%-- Is that a fair recital of my deficiencies?  ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1659%Now this is made from a space-age fabric specially designed for Elvis.
 1659%Sweat actually cleans this suit!
 1659%-- Clerk at the Corpulent Cowboy, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1660%Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of
 1660%       managing a beautiful country singer!
 1660%Marge: Your boyhood dream is to eat the world's biggest hoagie!
 1660%       And you did it at the county fair last year, remember!?
 1660%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1661%Marge: Homer, how much did you just give that man!?
 1661%Homer: Calm down, Marge, it's just our life savings.  I'm not going into hock
 1661%       for this.
 1661%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1662%Marge: Hm...  I thought you said she was overweight.
 1662%Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen.
 1662%-- Tangoing optional, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1663%Homer:   Guess what, Lurleen.  I got you a gig on TV!
 1663%Lurleen: [squeals with delight]  Oh, Homer!  You're as smart as you
 1663%         are handsome!
 1663%Homer:   [angry] Hey!  [softens]  Oh, you meant that as a compliment.
 1663%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1664%Marge: All our money's tied up in this woman.  If she fails, we're broke.
 1664%       If she succeeds, I have no husband.  I don't know what to root for.
 1664%Patty: You don't?
 1664%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1665%Much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit.
 1665%-- Bart on Homer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1666%I'm from Rebel Yell Records, a division of the Tokasagi Corporation.
 1666%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1667%Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen,
 1667%and I'll take any offer.
 1667%-- Homer Simpson, Master Bargainer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
 1668%Dad Dinosaur:  Would you turn off that rock-and-rock music?
 1668%Boy Dinosaur:  Hey, don't have a stegasaurus, man!
 1668%-- Television on television, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1669%These talking dinosaurs are more real than most <real> families on TV.
 1669%-- Lisa watches `Dinosaurs', ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1670%It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen!
 1670%-- Bart watches `Dinosaurs', ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1671%Patty: Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone.
 1671%       So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program.
 1671%       Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
 1671%Bart:  Coooool!  He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunchtray!
 1671%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1672%Homer: Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent <me> to prison,
 1672%       the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and...
 1672%       [vigorously mimes with his steak knife] tear him a new belly button!
 1672%       Ungh!  Ungh!  Lousy snitch!  Yaargh!
 1672%Bart:  [laughs nervously, loosens his collar]
 1672%-- Don't give him any ideas, dear.  ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1673%Sideshow Bob:  Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble
 1673%       truths of the Buddha.
 1673%Homer: I am not!
 1673%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1674%Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
 1674%-- Krusty's bitter remarks towards an imprisoned Sideshow Bob upon the
 1674%   latter's winning of a Daytime Emmy, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1675%Now for the highlight of the evening, Best Film-to-Video Transfer.
 1675%-- Krusty hosts the Daytime Emmys, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1676%Sideshow Bob:  [menacingly] Bart, if I wanted to kill you, I'd have choked
 1676%        you like a chicken the moment I walked in that door.
 1676%Family: Gasp!
 1676%Sideshow Bob:  [cheerily]  But then, what kind of guest would I have been?
 1676%Family: [chuckle, except for Bart]
 1676%-- On the other hand, if he'd brought a gift first...
 1676%   ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1677%Sideshow Bob:  You can't take my Emmy!
 1677%Prison Guard:  Hey, you know the rules.  Awards for excellence in entertainment
 1677%               are contraband.  No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe.
 1677%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1678%Dear No 24601...
 1678%    I need a man, and I cannot find one among the law-abiding.
 1678%    I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby filing nuisance lawsuits.
 1678%I share an apartment with my twin sister.  Enclosed is a photo of us on
 1678%a tandem bike.  I forget which one I am.
 1678%-- Selma's letter to Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1679%You're living proof that our revolving door prison system works.
 1679%-- Lisa to Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1680%Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking
 1680%       in front of your family?
 1680%Selma: All right.  But no tongues. [removes her cigarette and puckers up]
 1680%Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine
 1680%       ashtray, that's not what I had in mind.
 1680%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1681%Kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray.
 1681%-- Sideshow Bob to his new love Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1682%Sideshow Bob:  Selma, will you marry me?
 1682%Bart:  Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma!  That man is scum!
 1682%Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum!
 1682%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1683%We now return to the 27th Annual Krusty the Clown Telethon for Motion Sickness.
 1683%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1684%I love you people!  I love my kids!  [indicates]
 1684%Poor little guys.  So tragic.  So nauseous.  You should see the bus they
 1684%came to the studio in!
 1684%-- Krusty hosts his Telethon for Motion Sickness,
 1684%  ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1685%Sideshow Bob: Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you and putting
 1685%        you in jail?
 1685%Krusty: Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon, I'm right back
 1685%        in there!
 1685%-- Telethon for Motion Sickness, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1686%Marge: Now, about your wedding dress.  Mmm, I'm not sure how to put this...
 1686%Selma: White!
 1686%Marge: [writing] White.
 1686%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1687%Homer: You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies!  They taste as good as
 1687%       they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce.  It
 1687%       looks like ketchup.  It tastes like ketchup.  But brother, it
 1687%       ain't ketchup!
 1687%Sideshow Bob: Well, Selma, he makes a good case.
 1687%-- Catering the wedding, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1688%This wedding is spinning out of control.  Can we really afford it?
 1688%I've already run through eight of the ten dollars they gave me when
 1688%I left prison.
 1688%-- Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1689%Hey, relax.  I told you, I got money.
 1689%I bought stock in a mace company just before society crumbled.
 1689%-- Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1690%I just hope people don't think I'm marrying you for your money.
 1690%Instead of your... less tangible qualities.
 1690%-- Sideshow Bob to Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1691%Selma: Driver, here's a fin.  Get me home and don't spare the whip!
 1691%Barney: [the carriage driver]  Whatever you say, Mum! [belch]
 1691%-- For that added romantic touch, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1692%Man:     Thank you, Senor McGyver.  You've saved our village.
 1692%McGyver: Don't thank me.  Thank the moon's gravitational pull.
 1692%-- Watching television, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1693%Selma: That McGyver's a genius.
 1693%Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius.  He's an actor.
 1693%       And second, he's not <much> of an actor.
 1693%Selma: [refusing to believe]  You're lying!  You're lying!
 1693%Sideshow Bob: No, Selma.  <This> is lying.
 1693%       [puts on an absurd smile]
 1693%       That was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never
 1693%       made me want to retch.
 1693%-- Telling it like it is, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1694%Sideshow Bob: Selma, I don't know what to say...
 1694%Selma: Just tell me you like McGyver.
 1694%Sideshow Bob: Very well, I... I... [breaks down]
 1694%       I can't do it!  Even that car chase seemed tacked-on!
 1694%-- A critical eye, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1695%Homer: I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal.
 1695%       You know why?
 1695%Selma: No.
 1695%Sideshow Bob: Go on.
 1695%Homer: Whenever Marge turns on one of her ``non-violent'' programs,
 1695%       I take a walk.  I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble
 1695%       home in the mood for looooove. [puts his hand on Marge's lap]
 1695%Marge: [smiles, takes his hand]
 1695%-- Meeting halfway, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1696%Bart no like.  Bad medicine.
 1696%-- Bart expresses his disapproval, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1697%Lisa: [bitterly] <I> could've been the flower girl.  And I wouldn't keep
 1697%      falling down, either.
 1697%Bart: Hey, they chose Maggie, okay?
 1697%Lisa: Yeah, well, if you want to go for cutesiness instead of competence, fine.
 1697%-- Selma's wedding, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1698%Marge:  [wielding a camcorder at Selma's wedding reception]
 1698%        Ooh, there's Krusty the Clown.  Krusty, Krusty, say something funny!
 1698%Krusty: Oh, gee, a joke.  Um... Um... Uh, funny, uh, okay.  Uh,
 1698%        this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a
 1698%        twelve-inch pianist.  Oh hoho, no, wait!  I can't tell <that> one!
 1698%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1699%Ah, fire!  Scourge of Prometheus!  Toaster of marshmallows!
 1699%[evilly] Eradicator of deadwood...
 1699%-- Sideshow Bob lights the fireplace, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1700%Sideshow Bob: [rubbing Selma's feet] [quietly]  Soon I will kill you...
 1700%Selma:  What?
 1700%Sideshow Bob: Son pied sont il beau. [?]
 1700%        French for ``Her foot smells lovely.''
 1700%Selma:  [calms down]  Oh...
 1700%Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Prepare to be murdered...
 1700%Selma:  Huh?
 1700%Sideshow Bob: /eh pah dee meh moo-doo/.
 1700%        That's Sanskrit for ``Your toes are like perfume.''
 1700%Selma:  [calms down]  Oh...
 1700%Sideshow Bob: [quietly] /voia matara/ usted.
 1700%Selma:  Wha?
 1700%Sideshow Bob: That's Spanish for... [quietly] I'm going to kill you...
 1700%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1701%You tried to kill me.  I want a separation.
 1701%-- Selma to her husband of nary a few days Sideshow Bob,
 1701%   ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1702%My best-laid plans have gang agley!
 1702%-- Sideshow Bob, poetic to the end, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1703%Bart:   Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser?
 1703%Wiggum: Well, no, frankly.  But that never stopped us before.
 1703%-- Sideshow Bob, foiled again, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1704%Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know.  How did you untangle my web?
 1704%Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in!
 1704%Bart:         Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do
 1704%              his job...
 1704%Chief Wiggum: No no, please.  It's the only way I'll learn.
 1704%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1705%Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.
 1705%-- Bart the Hero, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1706%To the Simpson-Mobile!
 1706%-- Homer, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1707%I'll be back.  You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever.
 1707%And when they get in, I'm back on the street!  With all of my criminal buddies!
 1707%Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
 1707%-- Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1708%There was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
 1708%-- Marge, on Bart's unraveling of Sideshow Bob's murderous plan,
 1708%   ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
 1709%Bart:     Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket!
 1709%Milhouse: It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics!
 1709%-- ``Otto Show''
 1710%Homer: Now just meet me back here after the show.
 1710%Bart:  Thanks, Dad.  Sure you're not going to be bored?
 1710%Homer: [chuckles] Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the
 1710%       back seat of a car!  Heh, heh, heh, heh...
 1710%       [flashback.  Inspiration Point.  Homer in the back seat, his car
 1710%        springing up and down]
 1710%Young Homer:  [lustfully]  Ohhhhhhh....  Oh, baby...
 1710%       [Young Homer eats pizza, hot dogs, chips...]
 1710%-- ``Otto Show''
 1711%Check it out, Spinal Tap kicking Mohammar Qadaffi in the butt.
 1711%A timeless classic.  Now two for a dollar.
 1711%-- Hawking t-shirts, ``Otto Show''
 1712%Fellas, I'm going to hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout
 1712%your career.   ``Washed-up.''
 1712%-- Interviewing Spinal Tap, ``Otto Show''
 1713%Here you are, among the top one hundred and five concert acts today.
 1713%What's your secret, guys?
 1713%-- Interviewing Spinal Tap, ``Otto Show''
 1714%We're very big in Bulgaria.  And what-his-name, the other -garia...
 1714%-- Spinal Tap speaks, ``Otto Show''
 1715%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...  Duff Beer, in association with
 1715%Laramie Cigarettes, is proud to welcome... Spinal Tap!
 1715%-- Rock concert, ``Otto Show''
 1716%Tonight, the city weeps, as for the first time ever, a hockey arena
 1716%becomes then scene of violence.
 1716%-- Kent Brockman reports on a concert riot, ``Otto Show''
 1717%Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with
 1717%rock-and-roll.  After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's
 1717%``The Magic Flute''.  So, what's the answer?  Ban all music?  In this
 1717%reporters opinion, the answer, sadly, is `yes'.
 1717%-- Kent Brockman's two cents, ``Otto Show''
 1718%Homer: Now, boy, we spent a lot of money, so you'd better get real good
 1718%       real fast, or <POW>!
 1718%Marge: Homer!
 1718%Homer: Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him.
 1718%-- Feedback of all types, ``Otto Show''
 1719%I'd loik to play me latest chart-toppah.  It's called,
 1719%``Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs''.
 1719%-- Bart the heavy-metal rock star, ``Otto Show''
 1720%Bart: I didn't know you played the guitar, Otto-Man!
 1720%Otto: Hey, that's all I <did> in high school!
 1720%-- ``Otto Show''
 1721%My old man said I was wasting my time, and I'd never amount to anything.
 1721%He-hah-hah-hah!  He-hah-hah-hah-heh-heh!   [realizes]  Oh...
 1721%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
 1722%Otto: Uh-oh.  Better fasten your seat belts, little dudes!
 1722%Lisa: We don't have seat belts.
 1722%Otto: Well, then, uh... Just try to go limp.
 1722%-- ``Otto Show''
 1723%I stand on my record.  Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.
 1723%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
 1724%Well, that tears it.  Until you get a [drivers] license and wear your own
 1724%underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay!
 1724%-- Principal Skinner to Otto, ``Otto Show''
 1725%Patty: [laughs spontaneously]
 1725%Selma: What's so funny?
 1725%Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the
 1725%       toaster.
 1725%Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight.
 1725%-- ``Otto Show''
 1726%You failed every segment, and misspelled `bus' on your application.
 1726%-- Patty administers Otto's driving test, ``Otto Show''
 1727%Hey, landlord!  Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door, and
 1727%put on an eviction notice!
 1727%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
 1728%Otto:     Can I at least get my stuff?
 1728%Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old
 1728%          `Psycho' magazines.
 1728%Otto:     Wow!  I have mustard?
 1728%-- Otto gets evicted, ``Otto Show''
 1729%Bart: Otto-Man?  You're living in a dumpster?
 1729%Otto: Ho, man, I wish.  Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line.
 1729%      This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit.
 1729%-- His summer home is the aluminum recycle bin down the street, ``Otto Show''
 1730%Marge: What's going on?
 1730%Bart:  Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this
 1730%       afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
 1730%Marge: What conversation?
 1730%Bart:  [turns on a tape recorder]
 1730%Tape:  [Bart]  ``Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?''
 1730%       [bad imitation of Marge]  ``He sure can!''
 1730%Homer: Marge, what were you thinking!
 1730%Marge: That's not my voice!
 1730%Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.
 1730%-- ``Otto Show''
 1731%Otto:  Please let me stay here.  I've got nowhere else to go!
 1731%Homer: Forget it!  That lie didn't work for my dad, and it's not
 1731%       going to work for you!
 1731%-- ``Otto Show''
 1732%Marge: Doesn't the Bible say, ``Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers,
 1732%       that you do unto me''?
 1732%Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say ``Thou shalt not take... moochers
 1732%       into thy... hut''?
 1732%-- ``Otto Show''
 1733%Bart:  Please, Dad?  If you let Otto stay, he'll help around the house and
 1733%       chip in a few bucks whenever he can.
 1733%Homer: All right, he can stay.  But I get to treat him like garbage.
 1733%Otto:  Wow!  What's the catch?
 1733%-- The catch is, you have to stay with the Simpsons, ``Otto Show''
 1734%Homer: Will you knock it off, I can't hear myself think!
 1734%       [the music stops]
 1734%       [thinks]  I want some peanuts.
 1734%       [aloud]  That's better!
 1734%-- ``Otto Show''
 1735%Homer: Hey, how come you never play your guitar any more?
 1735%Bart:  I'll tell ya the truth, Dad.  I wasn't goot at it right away, so
 1735%       I quit.  I hope you're not mad.
 1735%Homer: [sweetly]  Son, come here!  Heh heh heh...
 1735%       [Bart sits on Homer's knee]
 1735%       Of course I'm not mad.  If something's hard to do, then it's not
 1735%       worth doing!  You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your
 1735%       short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll
 1735%       go inside and watch TV.
 1735%-- ``Otto Show''
 1736%Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?
 1736%Otto: Oh, don't worry.  There's plenty of money out there for a guy who
 1736%      knows how to fake his own death.
 1736%-- ``Otto Show''
 1737%I can't pass that thing.  I got a zero last time.  This time, I'm hung over!
 1737%-- Otto dreads his driving test, ``Otto Show''
 1738%Bart: You can do it, Otto!  You're the coolest adult I ever met!
 1738%Otto: Wow!  I've never been called an adult before. ...
 1738%      I've been tried as one, but...
 1738%-- ``Otto Show''
 1739%``Alcohol imcreases your ability to drive.''  [looks up the answer]
 1739%``False''!?  Oh, man!
 1739%-- Otto studies for his driving test, ``Otto Show''
 1740%Bart:     Cool!  An oversized novelty billiard ball!
 1740%Milhouse: Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future!
 1740%Bart:     Really?
 1740%Milhouse: Uh huh.
 1740%Bart:     [takes it]  Will I pass my English test?  [shakes it]
 1740%          [reads]  ``Outlook not so good''.
 1740%          Wow, it <does> work!
 1740%-- Ask me no questions, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1741%Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students.
 1741%Other principals try to unload problem cases that way.
 1741%Lord knows <I> do...
 1741%-- Principal Skinner welcomes a new student, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1742%Ms.K:     I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear.
 1742%Samantha: Uh huh.
 1742%Ms.K:     So, why don't you stand in front of the class and tell us about
 1742%          yourself.  I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
 1742%-- Introducing a new student, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1743%Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy
 1743%target for [turning bitter] every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car
 1743%and tight jeans... [calms down] I will now show a short sex-education film.
 1743%-- Ms. Krabappel, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1744%Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step
 1744%out into the hall and pray for our souls.
 1744%-- Ms. Krabappel shows a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1745%Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure.  You kids might remember me from such
 1745%educational films as ``Lead Paint, Delicious But Deadly'' and ``Here
 1745%Comes the Metric System!''
 1745%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1746%I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner.
 1746%And now, here's... ``Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What''...
 1746%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1747%This is Fuzzy Bunny.  About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing,
 1747%he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before.
 1747%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1748%She's faking it.
 1748%-- Ms. Krabappel shows the class a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1749%Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful little bunnies.
 1749%Eight survived.
 1749%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1750%And now that you know how it's done...  Don't do it.
 1750%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1751%Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love?
 1751%Ms.K:     Oh, don't you worry.  Most of you will never fall in love and
 1751%          marry out of fear of dying alone.  [chuckles]
 1751%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1752%Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
 1752%Ms.K: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
 1752%Bart: God shmod!  I want my monkey-man!
 1752%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1753%Milhouse: Uh... That's a nice dress.
 1753%Samantha: My Dad makes me wear it.  I hate it.
 1753%Milhouse: Uh, I hate it, too!
 1753%-- Flexibility in crisis, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1754%Everybody on!  No shoving!  Hee, just kidding.  You can shove all you want!
 1754%-- Otto, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1755%My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar.  4:15 to 4:20!
 1755%-- Otto, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1756%Samantha: Hi.
 1756%Bart:     Hey, what's with the skirt?
 1756%Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before.
 1756%Bart:     Yeah, but never a girl.  What if I want to strut around nude?
 1756%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1757%Good evening.  Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese?
 1757%Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two
 1757%fifths of the way up.  That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind
 1757%it is a very big canyon.
 1757%-- Kent Brockman's report, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1758%I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
 1758%-- Marge cries at Homer's funeral (in Lisa's dream), ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1759%We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich,
 1759%creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg.
 1759%We call it the Good Morning Burger.
 1759%-- Homer watches a television advertisement, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1760%Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties.  I can't believe the risk
 1760%you're running.
 1760%-- Bart, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1761%We start with pure milk chocolate...
 1761%Add a layer of farm-fresh honey...
 1761%Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar...
 1761%And dip it in rich, creamery butter...
 1761%-- The candy bar from hell, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1762%Lisa:  Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting
 1762%       or lifting a finger?
 1762%Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag!
 1762%-- You did ask, after all, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1763%Lisa:  They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep.
 1763%       As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your
 1763%       brain telling you to eat less.
 1763%Homer: Lose weight <and> listen to New Age music?  Wow!
 1763%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1764%Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
 1764%Homer: Ah, lamentably no.  My gastronomic repacity knows no satieties.
 1764%-- Marge buys vocabulary building subliminal tapes by mistake,
 1764%   ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1765%Bart:  All they do is kiss.
 1765%Marge: How cute!  [turns to leave, then catches herself]
 1765%       They don't open their mouths, do they?
 1765%Bart:  No.
 1765%Marge: How cute!
 1765%-- Both feet on the ground, please.  ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1766%This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully
 1766%lobbied to have the school day extended by twenty minutes!
 1766%-- Martin, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1767%Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants.
 1767%-- Man to woman in bed, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1768%Mr.Stanky: Samantha, you're my little girl, and sometimes my imagination
 1768%           runs away with me.  Just, just tell me what happened.
 1768%Samantha:  Well, Milhouse and I...
 1768%Mr.Stanky: That's enough!
 1768%-- Guilt by association, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1769%How could this happen?
 1769%We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
 1769%-- Milhouse, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1770%Lisa: Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years,
 1770%      man will have another finger.  [shows an artist's conception
 1770%      of a five-fingered hand]
 1770%Bart: Five fingers?  Ewwww!  Freak show!
 1770%-- Only for some, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1771%Homer: Marge, where's that...  metal deely... you use to... dig... food...
 1771%Marge: You mean, a spoon?
 1771%Homer: Yeah, yeah!
 1771%-- It was on the tip of my tongue, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1772%Bart:     How are we going to find her?
 1772%Milhouse: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.
 1772%-- Paying a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls,
 1772%   ``(Milhouse in Love)''
 1773%Bart:     Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the
 1773%          penguin house.
 1773%Samantha: That's all right, Bart.  I love Saint Sebastian [School].
 1773%          It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns.
 1773%          They're very nice, except they never let me ewt.
 1773%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''